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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29002335">For what it's worth</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FinnParker/pseuds/FinnParker'>FinnParker</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanditon (TV 2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, F/M, Falling In Love, Forced Marriage, Love, Psychological Trauma, Regency, Sidlotte - Freeform, Slow Burn, True Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:28:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>103,834</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29002335</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FinnParker/pseuds/FinnParker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>AU-Sanditon: Sidney is an annoyed business man who is looking for investors for his brother Tom. But he has also his own problems, for a terrible event in his past. </p>
<p>Will there ever be salvation for him?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Charlotte Heywood &amp; Sidney Parker, Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1444</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>474</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. dirty business</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Those of you who have read my last story know that I have had this in my head for quite some time and now post the first chapter.</p>
<p>It's a bit different to my others; the characters are a little changed and it's not rated  yet, because we need some time to get there... but then it will be as you know me. ;-)</p>
<p>Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I looked at my cards and groaned. I was going to win again and to keep the crowd happy we would have to change the place after the poker game and go to Mrs Harris's. I didn't feel like it. The sweet smell of the perfumed ladies - although of course you couldn't call them that - the alcohol and the talk of my so-called friends. I raised my eyes and looked around. If the wives or sisters of these gentlemen knew what their husbands and brothers were up to at night, they would probably faint or move to their respective country estates and hide there for the rest of their lives. We uncovered and everyone groaned when they saw my cards and shoved the money at me as if it was just paper and not a few hundred pounds.<br/></p>
<p>"Parker, you scoundrel!" shouted one of Crowe's friends, I had already forgotten his name because the rum was slowly clouding my mind. "I hope you make it up to me!" shouted his neighbour, a fat guy with saliva running down the side of his mouth. "Of course, gentlemen!" I cried out to the group and put on my business smile. After all, I wanted to get them to promise to do business in the future. So I had to keep them happy, even though they were all getting on my nerves.<br/></p>
<p>"What did you say your brother was doing a seaside hotel?" the fat guy laughed as if it was a ridiculous idea, but at least my brother, or rather our whole family, had worked for their money. The disgusting man was just a fat heir from some count. I told him about it in my casual manner, shrugged my shoulders and handed out the cards again. I thought I’d rather play another game than go to the brothel. Otherwise all the money I’d won would be gone again immediately and I could invest it better than in that way. I told him about how much money Tom had made in the last year, even though only the hotel and a small part of the terraces were habitable. The desired effect was not to be missed and the guy leaned closer to me. He stank terribly of onions, sweat and something sweet and rotten, I already felt sorry for every woman who had to serve him tonight. He put his sweaty hand on the cards and put the other one on my shoulder. My inner urge to shake them off was huge but I clenched my teeth and waited for him to talk.<br/>"Parker, I think we need to talk about this in more detail."<br/></p>
<p>"We can do that," I said, trying to hand out the cards and leaning towards the table, but he pushed me back into the chair.<br/>"Come see me on Sunday." he looked deep into my eyes and nodded slowly, as if we already had an agreement, and I nodded. "I need your address." I hoped he would give me his card so I would finally know his name; I hated not knowing people's names. Finally he sat up and searched his pockets. He threw a card to me and said, "at noon. Be on time." "Of course." I answered and pocketed the card; I would read it later so he wouldn't know I had forgotten his name. I ordered another round of drinks but I couldn't convince the men to stay here.</p>
<p>We stumbled out into the rainy London streets and climbed into the waiting carriages. Sometimes I wondered why Babington and Crowe, who owned seven carriages in all, always rode with me in the Parker's family carriage, which I had to talk Tom out of every time as if it were out of pure gold. Tom was never present at such evenings, I could do the dirty work, but he didn't miss out on the praise for the successful conclusion of an investment and celebrated every new investor as if he had had to spend his nights with these bored dandies. When we arrived at Mrs Harris', I realised again how much I hated this part of my job. Of course, every young man needed a bit of variety in his life and should also learn in an establishment like this, how to pleasure his wife in the future, but most of the men here were married. I couldn't imagine coming here if I had a wife. Like Tom, he loved his wife and had always been faithful to her, apart from the fact that his town on the coast, which he was trying to build up, was his secret, or rather not so secret, lover. Mary was the only thing I envied him for. Not Mary herself, she was like a sister to me, no, but the support he got from her, she was the only one who could talk sense into him and was always there for him. She knew everything about him, all his secrets. What I would give to have someone who took me as I was. But who would want me?<br/>
</p>
<p>While we were being received by Mrs Harris and her servants like the rich fine gentlemen most of us were, or much more thought they were. I thought about what the men who plopped down on the plush sofas were really like.<br/>Millbury, Crowe's friend an elderly gentleman with already greying sleeps, married for the third time, yet no children was an impeccable businessman, yet he always took the most. The rumour was that he had two mistresses and at Mrs Harris' he also went to one of the rooms with two of her girls. Crowe never pretended he was always himself, drunk and unintentionally funny with often precocious and accurate remarks. He did let everyone believe that he was just a Mr and always wanted to be addressed as such, as he hated his father, who had declared him his heir but whom he had never met in person. He was quick to please. The only attribute he demanded in one of the women here was that she should be bold or even dominant. I think it had something to do with his mother, who was a weak, sick woman. He always wished she was stronger and would have stood up more for her own wishes and his. But I didn't know exactly, I just wondered. Just like I wondered about my mate Algernon Babington. A lord, but a loyal friend, he knew what he wanted and he always tried to get it. He had developed a very slight or rather a medium obsession with a lady here at Mrs Harris'. He always wanted only her, was jealous of every other client and often paid twice as much for her not to accompany anyone else to a room. If she had been younger or newer, as he said, he would have made her his concubine, but so he had no choice but to share her from time to time. She always had to wash herself afterwards until her skin was almost bloody, I only knew that because I had to pay the bill afterwards and damaged goods, as Mrs Harris called and treated the women, was bad for business. When Babington disappeared with her in one of the adjoining rooms, I had often heard him punish her for not being his alone. Not with beatings or other physical punishment, of course not! No, she had to beg him for forgiveness, which he eventually did.</p>
<p>"Can I get you anything?" <br/>
</p>
<p>Mrs Harris asked, smiling at me, but I waved her off, annoyed. I’d been celibate for quite a while, at least in terms of physical pleasure. I still drank, gambled and betted, but my urges to bed a woman hadn't crossed my mind for a long time. About since I was back in London, living with my family in Bedford Place and doing my business. I don't know what it was, but it didn't feel right somehow and none of the women here caught my attention, but neither did any of the ladies I met at the balls. They wanted to dance and I did, they wanted a drink and I got them their wine, but the conversations we had were boring or one-sided. Some were interested in my work and my travels, but after a short while I realised that most of them were only interested in negotiating cheaper prices, because we knew each other now. Most of them wanted to stock up their parents' wine cellar or to make their fiancé happy with expensive rum. Most of them, however, wanted to talk me into a discount for the fabric I bought from overseas and actually sold directly to the tailors. So I avoided the subject and just told everyone that I was a wholesaler of alcohol and tobacco, and if I did get into a conversation with one of the fathers or husbands, I preferred to mention Sanditon to get Tom new investors or visitors. Often I would be called to a certain address by one of the tailors I dealt with, to present the latest and most precious fabrics to the ladies and gentlemen there. Because of course the rich and beautiful wanted one thing above all: to be unique. So of course it was not conducive when one or even more ladies at a ball had similar clothes. I liked this part of my work the most. I wasn't forced to drink hard liquor at noon to sell a dozen bottles of it to my customer, or to spend hours in smoky rooms sampling different tobaccos. It was also more interesting than going to the tailors to negotiate package prices and getting a new waistcoat in return, which I never felt like wearing anyway. I was more the plain type and stuck to my neutral shades. I had another appointment with one of these clients the day after tomorrow. Although I didn't know what the gentleman needed exactly this time, I was looking forward to the appointment with him, as he was a pleasant person to talk to and treated me like an equal, although I knew I wasn't of course.</p>
<p>"Don’t you want to show one of the girls how to do it right?" the disgusting guy shouted at me and toasted me, tipping his cheap booze over my hand. He was drunk as a skunk and I hoped he was too drunk to book any of the ladies. But I was thinking of their welfare not the price. I shook my head silently and tried as hard as I could to wipe the sticky alcohol off me. <br/>
</p><p>"You think you're better than me, huh?" he yelled with a laugh and I shook my head again. 
</p><p>I knew who I was and how much I was worth, far less than all those present. But I didn't say that out loud, I didn't want to alienate him with my problems, but I wanted to get an investment out of him. I knew from Crowe that he was involved in some business and investments here in London, allegedly also in one or the other hotel, which I would hopefully find out the next day. I poured him a drink and I saw that the prostitute he had pulled onto his lap was looking at me gratefully. I didn't nod at her but encouraged him to drink until, after another half hour, he slumped down snoring at the woman's bosom. She got up and grabbed my hand, which I immediately pulled away from her. "I want to thank you.” she murmured, but it didn't work on me and I waved it off. "I guess your heart is taken?" She asked, leaning down and stroking my face, but I shoved her from me, because that was one of the things I really hated. No one was allowed to stroke my face! To touch this part of me was not allowed, not even my nieces or nephews! Whatever she had in mind, it didn't work, neither her physical assets nor her ingratiating voice. Oh, how I hated all that fake, hypocritical posturing! I got up, gave her a few pounds and went to see Mrs Harris to pay for the little party. She took my hand, which she had never done before, and said gratefully, "thank you for getting him drunk." I made a face but said nothing. After all, I didn't trust her than I trusted anyone else in this society and I would hardly speak ill of a potential investor.<br/>
"He’s a disgusting guy, hits and bites." I frowned in disgust and hoped he wouldn't wake up. "He has his fingers in everything, be careful when you get involved with him, he's not to be trifled with," she warned me in a whisper, which now took me aback. "What do you mean?" I asked her. "Mr Howard doesn't like to be deceived." I immediately defended myself; I was an honest businessman, even if the methods and the look in my face sometimes suggested the opposite. "I only know that he has his people to settle things with men who have angered him in some way." She looked away and mumbled “Be careful.”</p>
<p>A few hours later I was still thinking about her words before slipping into a restless sleep and back to my dream I dreamed every night. The repetitive dream of the night, the storm and the endless pain. The sounds of the bursting wood and the waves that engulfed me. The screams of the sailors who were swallowed up around me and with me by the monstrous waves. The howling wind and the cruel coldness. This unbelievable coldness that surrounds you when you die.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. work</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney has a lot to do...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys, thanks for the response on the first chapter! Here we go again and I hope you like it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The waves swallowed me, threw me around and beat my body to a pulp with unknown power. I no longer felt the pain. I should actually be dead. Only the salt on my lips, in my eyes and in the burning wounds showed me that it probably wasn't time yet. The bright light came closer. Or I walked towards it. It came closer very fast or I ran towards the light. I had no idea if I was moving at all, but it felt like it. The light burned in my eyes. My body was numb with pain. Voices. Warmth surrounded me and suddenly I was awake. Lying in my room in Bedford, sweating and hungry. Groaning, I got up, went to the washbasin and took off my sleeping shirt. I washed off the fear of the memories and cleaned away the stench of the night. Then I went downstairs for breakfast; the screaming of the children was to loud. I loved my niece and nephews, but after a night full of alcohol it was hard to bear the noise. Mary nodded to me and ordered the medicine for a hangover and I nodded gratefully to her. Tom, however, had no understanding.<br/>
"What do you think? Drinking the whole night and god knows what else?" he shouted indignantly and watched me.<br/>
"This is how I get people to talk and when I talk, I tell them about Sanditon and they feel like investing." I explained to him without much vigour in my voice.<br/>
"You're doing it only for your own business!" he ranted and I took a deep breath. I was so tired of these constant discussions.<br/>
"You know that my business is linked to yours." Finally the breakfast came and I eat it very fast in order to be able to disappear again as quickly as possible.</p>
<p>"Will you play with us later?" Alicia asked and of course I said yes. Even if I always found it exhausting to play the bad pirate but I also knew that it was their way of dealing with my terrifying appearance. I remembered well what had happened when I came back after all these years. The servant didn't recognize me until a second glance; after all, I hadn't shaved the weeks on the high seas, I was tanned from the sun in Antigua and pretty emaciated from the seasickness that had overtaken half of the crew. The servant had then forewarned the rest of my family, but my sister Diana gave a shrill scream before she fainted theatrically when she saw me. I was used to these or similar reactions, even if she later claimed it was because of the pain she felt for me at that moment, as if she had been there. After all, I would have reported about it in detail in my letters. Of course she was exaggerating again, because on the one hand I hadn't been able to write for the first few months and after that I had no desire to report everything to them in detail.</p>
<p>"Are you listening?" Tom asked in his harsh tone he came towards me, standing by my side. I grimaced because it was just all too loud for my battered head.<br/> 
"Sure."<br/>
"All this drinking and gambling has to end." I looked at him and raised my eyebrows, he really couldn't be serious. <br/>
"Sidney, you have to finally become respectable." I laughed out loud! I know I wasn’t respectable, because I looked like a pirate and drunk with potential investors. "I'm serious, you are at an age where you should get married and start a family." I gritted my teeth and drank some of that horrible brew our cook always made for me when I was hangover.<br/>
"As we both know there is no woman on earth who would ever agree to marry me!" My look was disgusting, but also before that I wasn’t worth it, as my family and all of London knew. <br/>
"Woman sometimes needs help from their fathers." Mary and me looked at Tom. He shrugged and said smiling at his wife "Not everyone can be happy to marry for love." He was of course, and I would never marry without affection and love either. Never. Marriage was a lifelong commitment, how could anybody agree to marry without any kind of affection? How could someone marry just for the money?<br/> "You need to marry into a respectable family and no one would say something about your scars ever again."<br/>
"You mean I have to become respectable so that people don't think badly of you!!"<br/>
"That too. Sanditon will be a respectable seaside resort." I found it very interesting that he equates himself with this town by the sea, which I remembered only with pain. "That includes our whole family." He put his hand on my left shoulder to underline his opinion, he squeezed, even though or because he knew the pain it caused. "So Sanditon will be a success."<br/>
"But it will hardly be anything without visitors." Unfortunately, I did not notice that quietly enough and Tom hit the table hard. My head! Damn it, could he never be considerate? <br/>
"Visitors you invited to the brothel yesterday?" he screamed. I was really curious to know how he always got this information so quickly, but of course I never got any information out of him. <br/>
"Among them was Lord Babington and.."<br/>
"Lord Babington?" Suddenly Tom was all ears, sat down on the chair next to mine and wanted to know exactly who else was there and what I could negotiate for him or for this bloody town.<br/>
"I've heard bad things about Howard and have to think about how to get out of this meeting."<br/>
"Nonsense, money is money." shouted Tom, who was already dreaming up plans with money that he didn't even have.<br/>
"He hits and bites women." I explained and although Mary hissed, Tom replied:<br/>
"And? Most of them do." <br/>
"Tom!" Mary said alarmed but he shrugged and continued to ask me about the potential investors. </p>
<p>The rest of the day I was turn between extreme headache, conversations about what could be done in Sanditon and the children. Tom never played with them, he thought it was the thing uncles could do. I was glad as the night came, even when I didn’t like my dreams I was glad to sitting in my room alone. I was looking forward to the next morning, I could leave this house early to do my work.<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>I took my phaeton and went to the harbour to meet the captain of a ship that also brought my goods from overseas. I got on well with him, and sometimes we went to one of the many harbour bars, but not today. I always took random samples of the goods delivered directly on the spot so that I could immediately recognise broken bottles, rotten rice or badly woven fabrics and refuse to accept them. I much preferred the men on the docks to the high society, although as one of the traders I wasn't really one of them either. For them, I was one of the fine gentlemen, and it wasn't unusual for me to get into a fight or two because they held me responsible for the lousy pay. I always paid on time and more than was customary. I had befriended a few ordinary people, sailors and failed businessmen on the crossing from Antigua. I knew how they had fared and felt somehow indebted to them. They were kind to me, supporting me as much as they could against the rackets, but of course it was a bought friendship. So I could never be sure if they wouldn't turn against me at some point. Like the beau Mode I had once belonged to. Not because of my family or my former quite respectable appearance, no because of a person I was no longer allowed to think about and didn't even want to. I hook of the thought I didn’t want to think and met my drivers at the port, who brought the goods to our warehouse, where they were repacked for further transport. Some of them went to Sanditon, to private households and to the hotel. After that, I drove to our warehouse, checked everything again and then went on my tour to my friends, to whom I always delivered the goods personally. After I had brought my friends Lord Algernon Babington and also Lord, but please don’t call me that, Francis Crowe their supply of liquor, it was the turn of the tailors. And at the end of the day, I finally drove to the nice gentleman who was able to let the tailors come to him. As I already told you, I didn't know exactly what he was going to do with the fabric he had ordered. After all, all the furniture in the house had been reupholstered and as far as I knew, he didn't have a family. But what did I know? Two servants helped me to carry the heavy bales of cloth, wrapped in waxed paper, into the house and lay them on a large table which was similar to a dining table but a rather old one in the men salon where we always met. </p>
<p>"I'll let my master know, Mr Parker," the servant said and disappeared. I walked around the room, looking at the magnificent collection of books behind glass doors and carefully stroked the chessboard on a small table. It looked like the game had been interrupted and I wondered if it would be presumptuous to ask him if we could play a game sometime. My family had no sense for it. Arthur found it too exhausting, Diana too exciting, Tom had no peace for it and Mary no patience to have the rules explained to her. I sighed at the memory of my father, with whom I sometimes sat for weeks to end a game. Driven by the memory I stood at the window and looked into the spacious garden attached to the house. For the middle of London it was a more than generous spot and I would be happy if he would ask me for a walk again. Unfortunately I had not had time then, as I had to go to some event Tom had dragged me to. So I stood there at that window. The heavy velvet curtains were drawn aside with cranks, so it was impossible for me to see anything that wasn't really there. At the end of the garden I saw something white flowing in the wind. Maybe a cloth or maybe even the fabric of a dress. Then I saw one of my client's huge dogs run towards the house and a girl come running up behind him. Only it wasn't a girl, but a young woman, with dark brown curls hiding her face. Involuntarily I had to smile she was so carefree and joyful, I envied her for her happy laugh, even though I could only see her laughing with her head thrown in the neck and not hear her. She took the stick the dog gave her and threw it far away from her and then ran after it together with the dog. She disappeared between the thickly grown trees, she almost seemed like an apparition, as if I had imagined her.<br/>
</p>
<p>"Mr Parker!" My costumer greeted me and I smiled a true smile as we shook hands.<br/>
"How are you?" He asked me and I was sure he really wanted to hear.<br/>
"I’m fine, thank you." I asked him back and we talked a little. Shaking his head he turned to the window and pointed into the garden.<br/>
"Isn’t she a little rascal?" he asked but didn’t need an answer. "My aunt wouldn’t be happy to see it." Facing me he asked if I have seen the young woman in the garden.<br/>
"Yes, I think it’s enviable to be so…" I searched for words, I couldn’t say carefree, it seemed not right. I didn’t know if it was his wife or a relative, I was happy as he finished my sentence<br/>
"carefree?" he sighed "yes she is." He got a serious expression on his face but one second later he was back to business and let me show him the material he had ordered. Now the idea formed in my head that she was his wife and he had to make her new dresses. What I noticed so far was that she was very young, younger than me and he could be my father, but he was a nice man and I hoped she liked him.<br/>
"Mr Parker, I guess you forgot the lace." He remarked but unlike the customers I usually was dealing with, he remained friendly.<br/>
"Oh it’s maybe in the carriage or in the hallway, excused me." I went trough the corridor, but he followed me to the bench, were I left my hat and there was also the package with the lace. I took it turn around and…</p>
<p>"Hello?" she asked. She was the young woman from before and I bowed and didn’t know how to address her. <br/>
"Who are you?" She looked me straight in the eyes as if she didn’t saw the big red scar that ran over the left side of my face.<br/>
"Forgive me, I am Sidney Parker..."<br/>
"He is the trader I told you about, sweetie!" To call his wife sweetie in front of me was a little embarrassing, but he then put one arm around her shoulders and pushed her a step forward.<br/>
"Mr Parker, allow me to introduce you to Charlotte, my daughter." So that was it.<br/>
"Miss Heywood." I nodded to her and smiled my friendly smile. I also wanted her to continue to buy the fabric for her dresses from me and not to refrain from doing so because of my appearance.<br/>
"You can come with us and look at the material." Mr Heywood said and I watched her look at her father, almost startled.<br/>
"Papa, I think it can wait."<br/> 
She looked as if she had just received terrible news, but her father just shook his head and pulled her into the room with him. She than looked at the fabric for her future dresses and seemed as if she had just fallen ill with seasickness. Pale, almost white like the dress she wore, even when it was full of dirt at the hem. I had to smile at the sight of it and looked at her. Miss Heywood was apparently not eager for new dresses, not like other young ladies I knew from my appointments with the dressmakers and from my past. Mr Heywood went to the small bar at the other end of the room and we were alone for a moment. I spread the fabrics out in front of her and told her where they came from and the name of the weaving technique used to make them. She didn’t response and I looked at her again.<br/>
"I’m sorry," she whispered looking to her father across the room, "please don't take it personally, it's not because of the fabrics. They are really beautiful, it's just that I... well I don't feel ready yet."<br/>
I guessed that she would soon be attending her first ball in the London society and I knew from the past how terrible it could be and tried to encourage her with a nod and another friendly smile. A moment later she lifted her gaze and looked at me and smiled back, a bit shy but friendly.<br/>
Even if it was simply due to the fact that she told me a secret, I caught myself thinking it quite adorable and one of the iron chains around my cold dead heart came a little loose. For it had been a very long time since a young woman had blushed near me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. appointment</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>His visit by Mr Heywood makes Sidney aware of something, before he has an important appointment that he doesn't like.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey thanks for the great talk! I'm looking forward to it, after this chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I came home in the evening. Tired and yet somehow satisfied. I didn't understand why exactly, everything had been as usual. Except that I had stayed a little longer at the Heywood’s' than it was common and had been late for dinner with my family. I had been happily surprised when Mr Heywood asked me to have a port with him and even invited me to borrow a book or two from his library. I was a big reader. Since I had to spend the first months of my injuries in bed and was so restless, one of the nurses had brought me a book and made me read it. I had even kept some of those first books and brought them back from Antigua. And here I was trying to stock up our rather modest library in Bedford. Some books were still lying in suitcases in my room since my arrival, as there was no more room for them on Tom's bookshelf and he had said in all seriousness that I would try to make it my house with all this books. As the second-born son, I knew of course that it was his prerogative to live there, that was drilled into me early on, but as long as I wasn't married, it was also my home. And the way I saw it, it would remain that way forever. I used to dream of having a big library, but I knew I would never have one, and even though I hadn't even read all the books in my suitcases, I liked the idea to borrow one from Mr Heywood and bring it back to him at some point.</p>
<p>"Or would you prefer chess?" Mr Heywood had asked, pointing to the board. <br/>
"I'd love to!" I said, genuinely pleased, as I longed to play chess again, since my family didn't and even my friend Babington played only moderately. "But it looks like you haven't finished your last game." I remarked, waiting for him to tell me what his colour had been. <br/>"How do you see it, who is loosing?" He asked instead and I took a closer look. After a moment's thought, I said it looked rather bad for black and grimaced as he nodded and tapped his chest. "Yes, she played me against the wall." I smiled and looked back at his daughter who was neatly tying up the parcels. She really didn't seem to be interested in the material at all. <br/>
"Then you two will have to finish the game." I said kindly, because I didn't want her to be offended, girls were quick to be. <br/>
"We will!" She called from the other end of the room and I had to smile because she had been following the whole conversation, even though she seemed completely disinterested. <br/>
"She hears everything." her father murmured jokingly to me but then turned to her, "you can finish the game with Mr Parker!" <br/>
"No way!" she shouted and came closer. For the second time in our short acquaintance she apologised to me. "No offence, Mr Parker, but Papa is always trying to get out of the responsibility." She smiled first at me, then at her father. He looked at her with that look that only fathers could give their daughters and then he got that serious expression on his face again and the two of them suddenly seemed to be having a silent conversation of which I was not a part. <br/>
"Not this time." He said gravely and nodded at her, and then he turned back to me.<br/>
"Next time then, Mr Parker." <br/>
"I'd be honoured." <br/>
"Well, don't get too excited, because I'll just be watching." <br/>
He laughed, but it seemed a little unnatural. I glanced at his daughter, whose face had momentarily lost its youthful carefreeness, before she regained her composure and gave her father a kiss on the cheek. <br/>
"Stay a little longer," he asked his daughter, though I had the feeling that she would have preferred to leave us, she stayed and gave me a few helpful hints on the books, it seemed she had read them all.<br/>
It had been a nice early evening and when I realised how late it was, I wanted to say goodbye, but Mr Heywood asked me to stay for dinner. But I was not dressed formally enough, nor had I shaved my beard since the visit to the brothel, and that was not at all in demand in high society, although I was sure that Mr Heywood did not mind. <br/>
"I'm afraid I can't accept your invitation." I thought he understood my concerns and did not press me further. <br/>
"Some other time, then." He said, emphasising his words with a nod and a friendly handshake. The two of them escorted me out, Miss Heywood curtsied and I bowed, while looking in each other’s eyes. I didn't feel offended by her gaze, she really looked me in the eye and as far as I could tell, she wasn't frightened by my appearance.</p>
<p>"Where have you been so long?" asked Tom, annoyed and brought me back to the present. He was talking to me like I was a child or if I were hanging around somewhere instead of working. <br/>
"Work." I shrugged, but he didn't stop asking further. To avoid an argument, I gave information about my daily routine and ended with the appointment at the Heywood’s. <br/>
"Heywood. That’s nobody from the beau monde!" cried Tom, as if this were a crime. <br/>
"I have delivered several bales of the most expensive material and he always pays in advance, I assure you he is an honourable man."<br/> 
"Sure, money is money." I had to clench my teeth not to make an inappropriate remark, Mr Heywood was probably, apart from our father and Lord B., the only real gentleman I ever met, not like this entire fake people Tom liked so much.<br/>
"Then maybe the young lady will be introduced to society." Mary remarked sympathetically and also to smooth the waters. She hated it when we argued, but it went back and forth for a while anyway, until I went to my room instead of sitting in the salon to talk about Tom’s plans for Sanditon for the millionth time.<br/></p>
<p>First I sat in my room and read in Mr Heywood’s book, till I got too tired and I got rid of my clothes. I washed the work dirt off my skin. A warm flannel on the back of my neck did wonder, even against Tom's constant nagging. I closed my eyes and what I saw in front of me made the evening all the more enjoyable. Miss Heywood, looking me straight in the eye, smiling and reddening. Not a quick glance at my still swollen scar, crescent-shaped from my left temple to my jaw. Why could she miss it when everyone else I met stared at it openly?<br/>I opened my eyes and looked at me in the mirror. I was not ashamed of myself but no one except the monk in the hospital of the abbey, who rescued the few survivors from our ship, had ever seen me like that. The nuns and nurses only knew what could not be permanently covered. My face, my neck and my left hand and sometimes parts of my forearm. When I was a customer in the brothel I only bared the lower half of my body. Even though the prostitutes always wanted to undress me, I was never there to get their pity and sympathy. Mostly I just had to get rid of this tension inside me otherwise I would have burst, I was never nearly as obsessed, greedy or hard to please, as the people I visited the brothel with a few days ago, and by now I had no desire to do so ever again. It disgusted me. Everyone who worked there reminded me of HER in some way. The woman who had been responsible for me making that trip to Antigua in the first place, where I learned about much more pain. The woman who had willingly sold herself to a rich, horse manure-smelling old fart who was more than twice her age. I would have understood if she had done it on her father's orders, but that's not what had happened.<br/></p>
<p>To get rid of the thoughts of her I pressed my right finger on the start of my temple and traced it to the jaw. It no longer felt quite so thick and it also seemed much paler than it did a few months ago. At the neck it was quite thin, the rest of my body had prevented the force of the mast from fatally slitting my neck. My fingers followed the odd line over my shoulder, where it was briefly interrupted and then continued along the middle of my upper arm, in the form of a knotty branch, to the middle of my hand. As I was standing barefoot in front of the washbasin I could even see in the dim light of the candles, the small round scar on my foot, which had even grown together without being sewn. It was strange, just this morning I had found my scars extremely ugly. That was partly due to the morning light, but now I didn't find it quite so bad. Like something had settled inside me. Maybe it was the realisation that no one would ever see it but me. I always tried hard not to roll up my sleeves in front of others, not even my family, but maybe I would just do it from now on. I wondered why I felt like this. Accepted my scars and me somehow better, I wondered where it suddenly came from. But if I was completely honest, I knew. She had done that, with a single gaze.<br/></p>
<p>I smiled and closed my eyes, to remember her face when I lay down, but of course I dreamt of the storm again that night. The house-high waves, the hissing as every fire died out under the water. The all-consuming darkness, the bursting of the wood. The screams, the tumult and the deafening howling of the wind. The creaking of the mast. The indescribable pain as it crushed my left side. The silence. Ooh yes, that deathly silence. Those damn ear-splitting silence!!!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When I drove up to Mr Howard's house, I was shocked. Not because his home had been shabby like himself, but because it was huge and stately elegant. With one look at his almost palatial home, I knew I wasn't being told any lies about his wealth. Luckily I had a good suit on, but I still hadn't shaved and felt a bit shabby entering this fine house. But Howard was as vulgar as I remembered him. He was sitting behind his desk, legs wide and sweating, when I was entering his office behind a frightened maid. She wanted to turn back right at the door, but was called back by him. <br/>
"Move the chair straight for my guest!" He hissed, but didn’t stand up to greet me. The maid moved the chair that was meant for me a little to the right. "More to the left!" He shouted and she did as she was told, though Howard wouldn't let her go. After the third correction, I sat down and nodded my thanks to her. But she remained standing where she was. <br/>
"What else do you want? Get out!" Howard yelled and she flinched so hard I could feel it on the back of my chair. The chair was too low. I sank in, but I didn't let it upset me, I already knew this from some bankers who used this little but very effective trick when they talked about loans. It was to demonstrate that you were nobody and they were so much more. I sat up straight, crossed my legs and waited until the girl was out of the room.<br/>
"Mr How-" <br/>
"Parker, I'm so glad you're here. A drink?" He poured me a whiskey, even though it was far too early for hard liquor. <br/>
"Thank you." I took it, but kept it in my hand for now. <br/>
"I hope the chair is comfortable." <br/>
"Of course." <br/>
"I can see you're not a man of big words, so we might as well get right down to business." <br/>
"As you wish." I wasn't quite sure how to talk to him yet, of course I would like his money to be an investor in Sanditon, but what I knew about him made me wish it just couldn't work. My gut feeling told me that it wouldn't be good if I got him on board and was in some way at his mercy. He made me feel uncomfortable, but I explained to him what Tom's business model was. <br/>
"It's very simple, you invest a certain amount of money in the construction of the Seaside Resort and after a certain period of time, depending on your investment, you get it back with interest rate. <br/></p>
<p>"That also means that the longer you use my money to make your shabby town beautiful, the higher the interest rate?"<br/>"Yes."<br/>"Interesting." He laughed and made a few notes, then talked through a few sums he was willing to pay if he was willing to invest in our doomed business. But he had an even better idea and told me he wanted to enter into a long-term partnership, just like a tourism expert, but he quickly realised that I didn't like the idea.<br/>"In broad terms, it's just an investment, Mr Howard. No partnership or say in the matter. My brother is a visionary and the architect of the place. But if we get into business-"<br/>"If?" he shouted and stood up abruptly, he came waltzing around the desk and I straightened up too. "You mean when!" then he patted my face amicably "Well, my boy, now run home to your big brother," another little pat, "and tell him what business awaits him." Clap, clap, clap. "And if he has bigger balls than you, which I'm quite willing to believe, then maybe we can do business." Slap, slap. The last one was harder. "Oo ha, sorry, must have been a bit too hard for your soft cheeks." Howard knew I knew he'd done it on purpose, but I grinned,<br/>"Not at all, Mr Howard." Slowly he pushed me towards the door, telling me again to convince Tom of the partnership idea,<br/>"A win-win."</p>
<p>I played along with his game for the moment, but I knew I would never, never never, ever do business with him under any circumstances! Never!!</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope the description of his scars were precise enough, but not too exact - I would like to leave something for your own imagination...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. deals</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tom is angry because Sidney doesn't want to make the deal with Howard and the two argue again, but then an invitation arrives that forces Sidney to make another deal...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am really taken with your response, thank you for that! And I look forward to more conversations with you all.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Sidney you're not supposed to turn down good deals!" Tom shouted at me, sometimes I really thought he was too stupid to understand the business he was running, let's start again. <br/>
"Tom! I had a bad feeling. He’s not like the other investors who just want a few pounds profit. He doesn't want shares for no reason!" <br/>"Feeling, feeling!" he cried, "who gives a damn about your feelings? This is nonsense!" I shook my head and tried to find words to make Tom understand what I meant exactly. <br/>
"I thought at the beginning Howard was like everyone else, put a little money into a project and after a few months collect money without doing anything in return." <br/>
"That's the plan, and I can build Sanditon a little bit nicer." <br/>
"Howard doesn't give a damn about Sanditon!" I shouted, knowing that Tom would be personally offended and shut up for three seconds so I could explain to him, like a silly child, what my fears were. "Tom, he wants shares." <br/>
"That I will give him a few." Tom answered and I was shocked and couldn't believe my ears. Was he serious? He never even offered our brother Arthur shares or me; for fear that we would somehow take away HIS Sanditon, his inheritance. Even though none of us would do that! I spared a word, we had argued about it often enough. I calmly explained, <br/>
"It won't stop there, he'll always want more." <br/>
"Sidney, you're always so negative." Tom shook his head and took a sip of his port. I wanted to let Tom do what he wanted, he was just too stubborn to listen to me, but I knew that if I didn't look over his shoulder at least a little, he would lose all the land in Sanditon that our father had left him to some random people. I couldn't let that happen, even though Sanditon meant nothing to me, it had meant everything to our parents. How could he even think of such a thing?<br/>
"Tom, think about it, Howard is a hotelier, he's probably been wanting to build on the coast for years, but since the land is privately owned he has no chance of getting there." It was obvious that that had to be the reason. Tom groaned in annoyance and came towards me. <br/>
"Dear brother, you know your rum and the stuff you sell to fine ladies, but you don't know anything about big business and hotels." He wanted to hurt me, but that didn't work for a long time, he was the stupid one in that area, not without reason I had more money in my account than he did. "If I give him a few shares and he teaches me a bit more of the hotel business in return, it's a win-win situation."<br/> Those were the same words as Howard's, yet my stomach tightened at the thought Tom would work together with this disgusting man. I groaned and stood up,<br/> 
"I will not do business with him and I strongly advise you not to get involved with him!" I said firmly. Tom sighed theatrically. <br/>
"Since you've already turned him down, I don't think it's going to happen." His voice turned into that annoying whiny tone. "Sometimes I think you don't want Sanditon to succeed.” Here it came again, I braced myself inwardly for the recounting of my failures of the last twenty years, but as Mary came into the salon I struggled to cut Tom off and try to smooth the waters. <br/>
"Me and Arthur can borrow you some more money...I mean invest, just say how much you need."<br/>
"Ahh." Tom made an offended face and threw his hand away, as if it was too late for everything anyway. He went to Mary and gave her a kiss on the cheek and asked if there was any mail.<br/>
"Yes two messages for Sidney." <br/>
Tom puffed and sat down next to his wife on the sofa. Mary handed me the thin letters and smiled as if she knew something I didn't yet. I put my glass down and opened the first one; it was from my friend Algernon Babington with the information that he would be coming the next morning to bring us the invitations to the last ball of the winter season.<br/>
This was the last chance to steer people away from a short trip to the charming but still unfinished Sanditon, although I thought this venture would be pointless anyway. Most people had already planned their summer trips and Sanditon didn't have half as much to offer as Bath or Brighton. But of course I remained silent. Tom's mood lifted and the unpleasant part of our conversation was forgotten. My mood was down. I was annoyed, tense and full of anger. But he was changed, jumped up, tapped me on the shoulder and was already drawing up a list of possible guests at the ball who could be convinced of Sanditon's beauty.</p>
<p>Sometimes I wished I had lost my hearing during the disastrous crossing to Antigua, then I wouldn't have had to listen to all this nonsense any longer. But even so, it happened that I could suddenly tune Tom out. I looked at the second message and for whatever reason my heart did a strange little flutter, I couldn't describe it any other way. I didn't know why, but when I read Mr Heywood's words this whole nagging conversation was like a distant memory. Between a short speech and an even shorter ending, Mr Heywood wrote full twenty-three words, but they strangely carried more weight than anything that had gone through my mind before.<br/>
"... We would be delighted if you would do us the honour to join us on Thursday for dinner and a game of chess." I noticed that I smiled and tried to supress it immediately, I didn’t like to share the news with Tom, maybe he would demand I should try to force Mr Heywood to invest in Sanditon as well. Though I knew Mr Heywood was a agreeable man to work with, I didn’t like the idea Tom would try to exploit him. I felt somehow responsible to protect this nice gentleman, which was a ridiculous thought, but yeah it was what I felt in this moment and so I tucked the letter into my waistcoat pocket. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next few days were quite normal. I went to the port in the morning, then to my warehouse, talked to my employees, suppliers and checked the stock. Later I did the accounts and looked through the books, which I did once a week, unlike my brother. I liked having everything under control, which had not been the case before.<br/> </p>
<p>I was living in the moment, not looking back, not planning for the future. I had been a foolish young man when I left for Antigua, heartbroken and suffering, but knowing that it was my own entire fault. I hadn't thought, hadn't considered carefully and above all I had been blind, otherwise I would have seen that my feelings had not been returned. I had sworn then that I would never let myself be fooled again. I was a passionate angry guy after my almost death, I had fought and whored, but as I said, I hadn't done that for a long time yet. I had the feeling that I was numb inside like a blown out candle, my fire was gone somehow. The joy I felt when I played with my nieces and nephew, had profound conversations with Algernon were comparable to the feeling I had when I got ready for my appointment with the Heywood’s on Thursday. I had shaved in the morning so that my skin wasn't too roughened and thought I looked much fresher and a little tidier, even if the first shadow of my beard was already showing again, before I left the house. I have to admit I was a little nervous, it was a long time ago I was invited for a private dinner without any other people I knew, I hoped that I would not fail in the usual conversations that were held, but my concerns were unfounded. Mr Heywood greeted me like an old friend and led me into the room I already knew and offered me something to drink. We talked casually about some things and then he led me to the adjoining room, which turned out to be the largest private library I had ever seen. "I knew you'd look like that." He laughed and I was completely speechless. The room was not as big as the one we had come from, but the shelves that lined the walls were stocked to the rafters with books. There were even two man-sized shelves that extended into the room, dividing the space into small alcoves. Mr Heywood let me wander around in silence and I must say I felt so much at once at that moment that I couldn’t really describe it. Amazement and gratitude that he showed it to me. The desire to sit in one of the corners and read, envy because I knew I would never be able to call something so wonderful my own.<br/> </p>
<p>"Mr Parker." Awoke me the the sweet voice of Miss Heywood and only after I had greeted her did I realise that I used attributes to everything that concerned her, which was a rather strange habit because I didn't normally do that.</p>
<p>After we had a pleasant meal with interesting conversations, in which Miss Heywood was just as lively and asking questions as her father, it was time for tea that the lady of the house prepared for us while her father spoke to me about politics. Then suddenly he changed the subject.<br/>
"Mr Parker, would you do me a favour?" he asked and I answered honestly. <br/>
"Of course." <br/>
"At the ball on Sunday, would you do me the pleasure of dancing with Charlotte?" again I had this strange feeling in my stomach that was so foreign I couldn't place it, but what was the same like as I had read the letter. <br/>
"It would be my honour." and I meant it, she was a nice person and there were worse things than dancing with a beautiful girl like her.<br/> 
"It’s her first ball in society, she's always been more into books and country than the beau mode,” Mr Heywood explained with a smile on his face as if he remembered some special moments “but well... she can't avoid it." <br/>
Again there was this serious undertone that I didn't like, but before I could find the right words to ask about it, he said <br/>
"you could ask her for the first two dances, then she wouldn't have to worry about standing in the corner all evening." <br/>
That would never happen I was sure and that was what I told him. I smiled at him as his gaze shifted past me and I suddenly had a warm feeling on my back. I turned around and Miss Heywood came towards us with two cups of tea. She handed them to us and was astonished when her father took a small sip and frowned. <br/>
"You forgot the sugar." Then he left us and we both stood together for a moment in awkward silence. <br/>
"He never takes sugar." She said softly and looked at me. I saw her blush again and when the moment lasted almost a moment too long, she lowered her eyes. I didn't know what to say and drank. Miss Heywood took a long breath and closed her eyes, as if bracing herself for something. <br/>
"What did he promise you if you dance with me?" I almost choked at the question and looked at her, what was I about to tell her? “You don’t need to dance with me.” Her voice had a strange tone that I liked even less than the serious tone from her father. <br/>
"But I would love to." I answered before I could think about it a second time. <br/>
</p>
<p>She lifted her face and HEAVENS! Her smile hit me straight in the guts! It felt like I was falling in warm water.<br/>“When that is true, I’m grateful to you and look forward to it.” I would have liked to say that her look alone would always make me tell the truth, but that was a very confusing thought and on the other hand it was completely inappropriate to talk like that. “Honestly I would rather stay at home, but what has to be that must be.” She said but I preferred to take another sip of the tea to avoid answering. Again there was an awkward little pause between us, but Miss Heywood knew the etiquette, nodded at me and then left.<br/></p>
<p>Only my eyes moved as I watched her leaving, but the strange feeling in my guts stayed the rest of the night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. favour</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney has feelings..strange feelings, especially at the ball....</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys! I'm very flashed at your response and interest in this story. I tried to answer some questions, but as you know we are like Sidney and don't get all information at once.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I must admit I felt very much at home with the Heywood’s. They had such an unaffected kindness. It was as if we had known each other longer than we actually had. Mr Heywood was a well-read man who not only had a superficial knowledge of politics and what was fashionable to discuss, like his peers, but also an understanding of other cultures, for the needs of the different groups of people in our society. He gave me the feeling that we were equals. We were, in a way, because my father had owned the land that Tom was so eager to build residences and hotels on. My grandfather's father had been the first in a line of middle-class businessmen who became landowners through clever business deals, which they passed on to their sons, who then bought more land. The Heywood’s, on the other hand, belonged to the landed gentry, but as far as I could tell from was Mr Heywood told me so far and his behaviour, he didn't make a big fuss about it. After tea he had asked me for a game of chess and although I was really happy to finally be able to play again, the joy did not really set in. I blamed it on the hard days I'd had at work and that maybe I was just tired. I even made a few gross mistakes and Mr Heywood said more than once in a joking tone<br/>
"Look at that, someone's playing worse than me!" I apologised and tried to concentrate, but somehow I didn't quite manage it. I was annoyed with myself and thought about my next move, as Miss Heywood came back to us, after she was reading in the library. We both got up to wish her a good night.<br/>
"Look Charlotte, there's someone else who plays worse than me." he teased, pointing proudly at the board.<br/>
"I really can't imagine that." Miss Heywood said in a serious voice but with a cheeky smile around her eyes and then looked at the board, her father answered,<br/>
"I think Mr Parker is deliberately trying to make me win so as not to anger me."<br/>
"Since Mr Parker already knows you, " she said casually "he will know that hardly anything angers you."<br/>
At last she looked up to me and my guts remembered her smile, I was glad that this time there wasn't such an awkward silence.<br/>
"I remember having played better once," I admitted, "but maybe I just imagined it, or maybe I'm just not that practiced anymore."<br/>
"Well then, you'll have to practise until we get back to the game." Mr Heywood replied and I was grateful to him for ending the game for the evening.<br/>
"Well then, good night Mr Parker." Miss Heywood curtsied and I bowed,<br/>
"Good night Miss Heywood." a small pang of regret spread through me, I wasn't sure why, perhaps because a very pleasant evening was coming to an end.<br/>
"Good night Papa." She gave her father a kiss on the cheek, nodded to him and we both watched her leave the room. At the door, she shortly turned to us again, and then she was gone.<br/>
"Then maybe a whiskey?" her father asked me and I accepted the offer and said<br/>
"It's been a long time since I played my last game".<br/>
"Oh, that's all right, we'll have time to do it again another day." I agreed, though inside I was wondering why he liked spending time with me. Maybe he wanted something from me, or maybe he was just a nice man. I was not used to someone wanting time spending with me without any ulterior motives.<br/>
</p><p>Later, as I lay awake in my bed, staring into the pale grey night, I thought about the evening and why I had played so strangely unfocused, almost bored, even though I had been so looking forward to it. But nothing came to mind. Never mind! It didn't matter. I only regretted a little that I hadn't had the opportunity to play with Miss Heywood, because that's how it had sounded to me at the time of the invitation. While I was already dozing off to sleep, forgetting my strange mood I had the intangible thought that this was exactly the reason.</p><p>The rest of the week dragged on terribly long and although there were only two more days of work before the last ball of the season, I felt it was twice as many days. I was glad when Babington came by and brought the invitations, so I had a chance to chat with him a little.<br/>"Algernon, do you know a family Heywood?"<br/>He thought about it for a moment and then confirmed to me that there was a family with that name, as they had also been invited to the ball, but he didn't know any more. The fact that they had come directly and didn't need Lord Babington to get an invitation led me to conclude that they were definitely among the desired guests unlike my family.<br/></p><p>
On Sunday, as I retired to my room to get ready for the ball, I felt a strange restlessness. I didn't know why, because I had been to many balls before. Maybe it was because I had promised Mr Heywood and his daughter that I would dance with her and I hadn't done that for a while, as I usually tried to stay unseen. Of course I knew that people would talk about me one way or another. I was one of the very few who attended such noble events with an obvious facial disfigurement, who was not a war hero. Quiet whispers and louder whispers accompanied me all evening. I was used to the wild speculations I overheard here and there. I used to get upset when people thought it was a duel, until I once turned to someone in annoyance and told him<br/>
"Yes I had a duel with a 40 metre high ship's mast and equally high waves!"<br/>
After that, I tried to ignore the talk of the people or at least not to listen. It was also good when my friends were with me, because then there was usually speculation about which lady would win the heart of the lords. And I was basically out of these considerations, cause there was no one who wanted someone like me. To distract myself, I thought about why Mr Heywood had actually asked me to dance with his daughter. If her origins didn't convince those present, surely her beauty could entice enough admirers wanting to dance with her. It was probably just her father's kindness that she was doing her first dances on an unknown floor with someone she had at least exchanged a few words with before. It didn't have any deeper meaning; Mr Heywood was just very concerned about his daughter.<br/>
</p><p>
When we arrived and I met Babington with Tom and Mary, that feeling of unease became a little more eager. Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to attend this ball after all, ma last dance on such a noble occasion had been before my crossing to Antigua, and maybe I didn't remember the steps. As Tom immediately engaged my friend in conversation about the illustrious guests, Mary took my arm and we sauntered into the room. My eyes wandered around and strangely enough it was as if I was standing on a ship again. I felt the solid ground beneath me and yet there were these subliminal movements of the waves. Suddenly my body remembered the feeling when the ship was lifted by a larger wave and then for a brief moment the free fall made my guts lift. That was when I saw Miss Heywood.
</p><p>
WHAT was that? Why? I just… I couldn’t find the words in my head to describe my confusion. She seemed to have seen me too, for a moment I had the feeling that she was looking into my eyes, although she was standing much too far away for me to say for sure. She lowered her eyes and rubbed her hands. I recognised the fabric of her gloves, it was the same silk as the rest of her ivory dress, and I saw that at one look. The lace I had left in the hallway as we had our first meeting was draped over it like a delicate cloak. A ribbon of this lace was worked into her hairstyle. She was enchanting, even more as she and her father approached after he had recognised me. Miss Heywood didn't seem so pleased when we met, she didn't look at me until I could answer the greeting of her father.<br/>
"Mr Heywood, Miss Heywood, may I introduce you to Mrs Mary Parker, my sister-in-law."<br/>
Mary, friendly as always, started talking to Miss Heywood about the decoration in the room and I tried to engage Mr Heywood in casual conversation but he didn't seem quite in the mood. I did hear Mary regretfully remark to Miss Heywood that she had not met her before, and the young lady answered that she had lived on the estate in the country and enjoyed her education. The first dances were already done as the four of us approached the ballroom and I watched the couples, so elegant and aloof as I remembered them.<br/>
"You really don't have to dance with me." Her quiet voice and the seriousness in it put a smile on my face without me being able to do anything about it. It was the first time I had heard her this evening and it felt like… I don’t know it felt like it was a long overdue promise.<br/>
"If you don’t like to dance we don’t need to." I said, I felt her nervousness and was about to say some more as her father interrupted our small conversation.<br/>
"I think the next will do." He pointed to the dance floor with his chin and his eyes moved to the entrance where a rich-looking older lady entered the room with a few companions. Miss Heywood seemed to pale a little more and I decided to find out what was going on.<br/>
"Shall we go, then?" I asked, holding out my arm to her. The way she clung to it, you'd think I was leading her to the slaughterhouse instead of the pleasure many young ladies are so eager for. "It will be all right." I assured her, hoping to take away the fear of failure that I always felt when exposed to the critical gaze of others and smiled down at her as we lined up.<br/>
</p><p>
Then she looked up at me and smiled mischievously and I must say, although I had tried to bring a smile on her blushing face, it had somehow caught me cold. Damn it! I was glad that I had to concentrate on the steps, otherwise I would probably have wondered all the time why I felt so strange, but I pushed the thought away and counted along. One step to the left, one to the right, wait, let her come towards me, let her pull away, give her my hand. Her slender fingers slid into mine and the sight was somehow disturbing. I didn't know why and didn't want to waste a thought on it, I avoided looking at her face and concentrated on the rest of the movements. Turning sideways, then walking side by side down the row, following the other couples. Then turning towards each other, taking hands and holding them above us like a trellis. She was so close. I could sense her light scent of roses. Another step back, letting go of her hands and I felt something like... regret? Why? I couldn’t think about this strange feeling either, as the dance was far from over. We went back down the row and when I looked at her again, she didn't look at my face but seemed to be staring at a point or a button on my waistcoat. I should say something but I couldn't think of what. To not look at the very beautiful cleavage she had tried to hide under the lace cloak I raised my head and noticed Mr Heywood talking to the richly dressed older woman and Mary standing beside him, looking around as if she would like to get out of there.<br/>
"I'm sorry." Once again Miss Heywood apologised and I asked in honest surprise,<br/>
"For what, pray?"<br/>
"My father's aunt, she is neither friendly nor particularly sociable," she explained, but continued to avoid looking at my face, maybe she finally found it so ugly like anyone else. "At best she will have ignored your sister-in-law, I hope nothing worse." this statement worried me.<br/>
"What do you mean?" I squeezed her hand a little tighter as we arrived back at this point in the dance.<br/>
"She can be quite brash and mean and often..." she explained and finally Miss Heywood looked up at me and for a moment she seemed to be lost or searching for words but perhaps they had slipped her mind.<br/>
</p><p>
Nothing seemed important enough to be said at that moment, anyway and I liked the calm that suddenly settled over me, although I couldn't say why. In silence we ended the dance and stood there a little lost till the music started for the second dance. It was a quadrille and while the other group danced we stood facing each other and tried to have a conversation. I showed her my brother who was at the other end of the room, now reunited with Mary and talking to other guests and although Sanditon didn't give me anything personally, there was plenty to talk about. Miss Heywood was very interested and I had the feeling her initial tense attitude eased and it became a pleasant conversation that we almost forgot our mission. Only with great effort were we both able to hold back a laugh and I suddenly found myself enjoying the dance I had never liked before. We looked into each other's eyes most of the time and her lovely smile made her beautiful face even prettier. While I was thinking about why I needed so many words just to look at her face, I saw some interested men nearby staring at her and I had the same feeling as I had with her father regarding Tom. This strange feeling to protect her. Why did I think that? It confused me even more and honestly I was quite glad as the dance ended and I could accompany her back to her father. The aunt wasn't there anymore and Mr Heywood seemed much more relaxed than before, but no sooner had I offered to get the young lady a drink than a man was there asking her for the next dance. I caught a glimpse of disappointment on her face and a shy glance in my direction but I shook the thought away; she probably just didn't feel like dancing anymore, it certainly had nothing to do with me.<br/>
</p><p>
"The start has been made, thank you Mr Parker," said Mr Heywood and I replied as before,<br/>
"I'm sure you had no need of me." I could feel myself gritting my teeth, feeling a little exploited.<br/>
"I wanted her first dance to be with someone she knew at least a little," he smiled at me, "and I have to admit, I preferred that too." This confirmed what I had already thought and I wanted to know so much more, but then Tom came to us and I had to introduce the two.<br/>
Since I was able to pull myself out of the conversation, as Tom was doing the talking as usual, I let my gaze wander and found my way to her. Miss Heywood seemed tense again and it took another minute for her to turn her elfin neck in my direction and look at me. It was as if I needed her nod to make sure she was all right and only then could I turn my attention back to the conversation next to me. Unfortunately Tom then saw potential investors and I embarrassingly pulled me along by the arm, so unfortunately I couldn't help myself and had to go with him, although I would much rather have stayed with Mr Heywood. It was quite a while before I could tear myself away from Tom and his laudatory praise of the unfinished town by the sea and say goodbye to him with words to seek lord Babington. I met Mary on my way and we chatted briefly, I wanted to know if this aunt of Mr Heywood's was as horrible to her as Miss Heywood had feared and I asked her about this lady .<br/>
"No, she ignored me and when Mr Heywood tried to introduce me she cut him off." Then Mary looked at me and I knew that look, she was worried.<br/>
"Mary what's wrong?"<br/>
"I don't know how well you know these people, of course," she waited, but as I didn't answer, she went on "I just heard the lady asking about Miss Heywood and Mr Heywood said that you both were dancing." That was true, what else? "It sounded more serious to me than what I know from you and I just hope it's not a big misunderstanding." I didn't know what she was referring to.<br/>
"I was just doing a favour for a friend." I admitted frowning and Mary looked relieved,<br/>
"So there's nothing you want to tell us?"<br/>
"No, what makes you think that?" What was that nonsense about?<br/>
"Fine, then I misunderstood or they must have been talking about someone else."<br/>
"What do you mean?" Why was everyone talking in riddles?<br/>
"It had sounded to me like Miss Heywood is promised to someone." </p><p>BOOM, damn shit! What? My heart, it went... kind of crack... but what the hell? Then why would Mr Heywood ask me to dance the first two dances with her? Was he just using me? Why had she agreed to all this, did she know she was promised to someone? What if she doesn’t know?<br/>
"Don't look so shocked, at twenty-one she's the right age." Mary said but I just thought that no one ever had the right age for an arranged marriage. No that can’t be Mr Heywood loved his daughter!! He would never do such a thing! What did Miss Heywood think about such kind of arrangement?<br/>
And WHY for hells sake WHY did I even care?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. quotation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney is a little unsettled and doesn't quite know what's going on with him and then he has an even more disturbing dream....</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi, so after some people asked me to separate the paragraphs to make it easier to read, it's a bit different visually. I still hope you like it and it doesn't take away from the dynamic. It was a bit difficult for me to do it this way to be honest, but hope you don't mind. </p>
<p>It didn't work in the last dialogue and the dream frequency.<br/>Which is a small hint of things to come in the future (at some point it will be the rating of my other stories, but we need some time to get there....) </p>
<p>In this chapter I clarify a few things as some of you have already guessed a few chapters ago, this was always the plan and I hope to surprise you again in the future.</p>
<p>Though I try to be as accurate as possible, I do not claim that it is historically correct!<br/>And hope you enjoy anyway.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>To be honest I felt strange again. Disappointed and suddenly it was quite stuffy and I was glad when Mary met someone she knew. I was looking for Babington anyway, but then found myself in one of the side rooms and was glad when I saw that the open door led out into the garden. I needed air and first had to come to terms with mine strange reaction. I think it was mainly because I didn't think Mr Heywood would promise his daughter to someone she didn't want and I didn't think Miss Heywood would put up with it either. I knew didn't know their reasons or the arrangements one had to make in the aristocracy. Besides, I didn't give a damn about her either. Yeah. It was just kind of hard to shake it off. I took out my cigars and tried to light the match on a stone, when it didn't work the third time, I almost exploded, I was so angry about this damn light! Finally a small flame arose and it flickered dangerously in the wind, before I could bend down and light my cigar, I noticed someone next to me and was surprised to see that it was Miss Heywood. She put her hands protectively around the small flame until I could light my cigar on it, we looked at each other silently while I sucked on the cigar and her hands hovered in front of my face. I was only able to nod, so many strange things went through my mind that I couldn't say anything, she irritated me, but of course I noticed something was wrong with her. What was she doing out here alone? </p>
<p>"Miss Heywood." She pulled her hands back and took a few steps away from me; it was very unseemly for a young lady to be outside on her own and especially to be standing in a dark garden with a man. "It was too warm for me in there."<br/>
"I understand that." I kind of needed more information, but I wasn't sure what I was allowed to ask and what was none of my business. We were silent again and she seemed to be searching for words, started once, moaned but then seemed to decide against it. She looked at me with those large dark eyes, her face contorted as if something was hurting and I took a step towards her, to ask her. These eyes got even bigger and this time I was the one who apologised.<br/>
"I should go." Her voice was quite low and something else, but maybe I was imagining things again.<br/>
"Of course." I said and watched her as she looked up at me, nodded and walked back in. I didn't know what to make of all this and didn't want to think about it for a moment longer. I really should go and find Babington and raid the bar with him. I went back inside after I finished my cigar and looked for my friend. </p>
<p>"Mr Parker." it was Mr Heywood and I couldn't bring myself to see him differently as the nice gentleman I saw in him. "I'd like to talk to you about some… business."<br/>
I looked around, because I didn't really feel like talking business in a place like this. "Not here, of course." he said and came a few steps closer.<br/>
"When would it be convenient for you then, Mr Heywood?"<br/>
"Tomorrow would be fine, maybe four o'clock?"<br/>
"I can arrange that." Of course I could. I really hoped I would have a chance to find out what was it all about.<br/>
</p>
<p>That night I dreamt as always of the ship and the deadly storm. The sea that dragged me into the depths and spat me out as if it was no longer interested in my body. The pain of the cold ran through me and I heard the shouts of the sailors. I lifted my head and saw them running around, I didn't know what they were doing but something else demanded my attention. Something white, I looked and felt even colder. What was SHE doing here? I called her name, but I couldn't shout against the storm. She was clinging desperately to the railing and I knew she wouldn't make it much longer. Her dress was already soaked through and I could hear her pain-distorted voice. I pulled myself up and ran to her. Again the rain splashed into my face and before I could reach her, we hit the next wave and the ship tipped backwards. I slid along the breaking ground, but I couldn't leave her to her fate. I held on tightly, I don't know where, and then I shimmied back to her, the ship lifted again and I flew through the air against the wall, it hurt. I opened my eyes and saw that I was hurtling towards her. She held on tightly and wanted to move away before I would crush into her, but she had no chance. The next moment I slammed into her with such force that she lay motionless in my arms. NO! Nonononono! It couldn't be! I tugged desperately at her; she had to open her eyes! I pressed my face against her body. I felt the horrible pain of loss and then suddenly I felt her hand resting against my cheek as if holding the gaping wound close, I knew it was already there. Blood dripped down on her white dress. Then I looked up into her beautiful eyes, lit up by the stars above us. Big and dark and again that smile that made my guts fly. "I got you." I heard her say, she came towards me, pulled away, gave me her hand. I saw our hands slid into each other, holding them above her head. She was so close, I could smell her fear but also something lighter. I floated back, came closer, back and I looked at her face, she whispered my name and I let my hand run over her face. She was blushing under my touch and I knew I had to touch her, only once before the storm will kill us both. My hands grazed over her neck and her bosom, her nipples became hard under my touch, or maybe she was just freezing. I was surprised and searched her face, she smiled shyly I looked at her lips and the need to kiss her consumed me. I needed to feel her lips before I dye. I leaned closer, but before I could kiss her, I was hit by the next wave and my eyes tore open in fear.</p>
<p>After that, of course, I couldn't go back to sleep. I felt ashamed. Why did I have such a dream about her? Obviously she was a pretty girl and I hadn't felt any attraction to any woman for a long time, yet it wasn't right! Not only because she was a decent young woman, but also because she had no business here. Neither in my dreams nor on MY ship. I had never taken any stranger faces onto the ship in my dreams, why her? Why now? Why had all those who were fighting for their lives on the ship with me in reality lost their faces by now but I could recognise her as clearly as if she had really been there? With me, under me. Damn!<br/>
I sat up and cursed. How could I ever get to see her again if I had dreamt something like that about her? Well, actually, it wasn't my fault or something I could not do anything about it. It was something in my head, I was probably confused by our dance and all that strange fuss. Heaven those eyes! I closed mine and shit, there she was again! Not like in the ballroom or the way I had met her before, but exactly like in my dream. Fear in her face. Her hand holding my gaping wound close. I imagined myself leaning closer and her closing her eyes, but not out of disgust... like from delight. Ooo Shit!</p>
<p>Since I didn't want to stay in bed any longer and run the risk of dreaming about her, I got up and had breakfast in the kitchen. Our old cook almost fainted from joy of greeting me in the kitchen. With old Fanny, I really always had the feeling that she was genuinely happy to see me. She was like Tom's children. Just real with her feelings or dislikes. I wasn't so sure what her feelings towards Tom were, because every now and then I had at least the suspicion that she was deliberately burning his food.</p>
<p>"What's the matter, young lord?" that had been a joke between us since I was a little boy, though I knew she meant it in a sweet way and not snidely, as how Tom would understand it if he knew.</p>
<p>"Nothing just couldn't sleep any more." I answered with a grin and shovelled the food into my mouth, so I wouldn't have to talk. Fanny somehow had a sixth sense and she would probably notice immediately if I said anything. "Your ship or a girl?" - Or even without me saying anything. </p>
<p>I just shook my head and asked her about her relatives, and as I knew she had quite a few, so there was plenty to talk about until she had to make breakfast for the rest of the family and I had to leave. I retired to my room till it was time to go downstairs and live up to the image Tom had of me. I hurried into the breakfast room, quickly drank a cup of much too strong coffee and hoped that Mary had not confided her speculations to Tom; otherwise he would probably order the posse tomorrow. I had to laugh briefly at the thought, but buried it as Mary's intrigued look met my eyes. I said goodbye and ran back to my room, took the book Mr Heywood had gave me to bring it back to him later. I'd been reading it every night and I'd already finished it, and I didn't want to owe him something, that was something I never did. As I went back downstairs, I heard Tom whistling happily in the lounge, which was always a bad sign. Not because something shitty had happened, but because he was about to do something he was totally excited about and which would later turn out to be the biggest crap. As I neither felt like listening to his ramblings nor had time to deal with him and Sanditon, I walked past the room and went to work.</p>
<p>My day went completely as usual and I was through with everything a little early before I went to the Heywood’s. Why I was strangely nervous I didn't know and I forgot quite quickly as I entered the house and was led down the hall. Miss Heywood came out of the library and when she noticed me she stopped and greeted me with the same shy smile I had seen in my dream. Damn!</p>
<p>“Mr Parker.” She curtsied and I bowed, but couldn’t look her in the eyes for too long, pictures of her in a white wet dress and lying under me flashed my mind. I was really embarrassed and asked her if she could bring me to her father. We went into the library where he sat in one of the chairs and greeted me friendly as I went to him.<br/>
"Do you want to borrow a new book?" she asked kindly and I felt sorry for brushing her off like that but I gave her the terse answer that her father and me needed to talk about some business. I felt even worse as her face stiffened.<br/>
"Of course, excuse me." Then she turned and put the book she had been holding down on one of the tables and left the room.</p>
<p>"Don’t be angry with her." Her father said.<br/>
"I am not." I answered but it was evidently he had a different opinion.<br/>
"I don't know where to start," Heywood said, and I felt bad for snapping at his daughter.<br/>
"Maybe you could just tell me what business it is you wanted to talk about." I smiled down at him.<br/>
"That's not so easy." He pointed towards the open garden door and although it was quite chilly, I found the cold air pleasantly soothing. We went for a walk in the garden and I didn't push him to talk. Only after quite a while did he start, but in a completely different way than I had expected.<br/>
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the reason why I wanted you to dance with Charlotte."<br/>
"It was my pleasure," I assured him, and it was true.<br/>
"You're a good man, almost a friend and I felt like I could ask you to do it without getting in trouble."<br/>
"There won't be." there was a short pause in which he turned his head away a few times, but then he began his story.</p>
<p>"Five years ago, my wife Lorraine died."<br/>
"I'm very sorry to hear that." He nodded silently and then continued.<br/>
"I only have Charlotte, she's an angel." I was on the verge of agreeing with him, even though I didn't know it.<br/>
"I don't have a son and I will leave everything to Charlotte when I die." it sounded more serious, more final and it bothered me that he was telling me something so intimate. Why was he doing that?<br/>
"Mr Heywood, I don't know if..."<br/>
"On her deathbed I had to promise my wife something," he stopped and looked at the house and then back at me, I wasn't sure I wanted to know what family secrets this family had.<br/>
"She wanted Charlotte to be free to decide where and how to live." I was reassured. Thank God she wasn't promised to anyone against her will! "She loves our home in the country, never wished to be in London." Mr Heywood told me with a smile on his face. "Lorraine gave me a letter for Charlotte, to open on her twenty-first birthday and we did." Why I suddenly felt sick I wasn't sure, but it got worse as he continued.<br/>
"In it, my wife described an arrangement she had made with our aunt, who you saw at the ball yesterday, when she was pregnant with Charlotte." I frowned, hadn't he been talking about his aunt? Apparently seeing my confusion, he explained;<br/>
"She's both our aunts. She is Lorraine's father's sister and was married to one of my mother's brothers." He pointed the way and we walked slowly back to the house as he explained the rest. "Actually, they were going to marry their children off to each other, if they don’t find a partner on their own till the age of twenty-two." he shrugged. "Well, I thought we were off the hook, as we got our girl, and our aunt has no children." He breathed a few times as if it was hard to tell the rest. "But she recently adopted her nephew, I think in order to somehow still get Charlotte's inheritance."<br/>
"But can't you fight it?" I asked.<br/>
"No." I wondered why he was telling me all this and stroked my forehead.<br/>
"You're wondering why I brought you into this, I understand that." I waited and as we stood at the stairs leading back into the house he said "I lied to my aunt and claimed Charlotte had an admirer, simply because I hoped she would then leave her alone."<br/>
"But she doesn't?"<br/>
"No, she doesn't believe me."<br/>
"But Mr Heywood, I don't understand why you let this influence you. I mean, you decide what happens to your daughter, not your aunt." He smiled at me and dragged himself up the stairs as if he had suddenly aged by years.<br/>
"When I die, she'll be Charlotte's only living relative," he said. "She'll force her to marry that creep." My heart was hammering in my chest, this couldn't be true! It sounded like something out of a bad book!<br/>
"So you are trying to find a husband for your daughter now?"<br/>
"Yes."<br/>
"Does she know?" I gritted my teeth, I didn't want the image of her in my head to change.<br/>
"Not everything."<br/>
"Why not, she must know about it..." he stared at me and I reined myself. "Forgive me, it's none of my business."<br/>
"But maybe it will." Shocked, I looked at him, I really wouldn't know how! "Now we come to the part I want to talk to you about." I didn't quite understand what that meant. "I wanted to make a business agreement with you."<br/>
"What kind?"<br/>
"You will marry my daughter."<br/>
"Excuse me?" I was shocked and he seemed a bit hurt and his voice became a stern tone.<br/>
"Only on paper, until my aunt leaves her alone and in due course you release her." WHAAAT?? "But Mr Heywood!" What was he THINKING?<br/>
"Please! You're the only man I know who's her age and I need you to protect her..."<br/>
"No!" I cried, why in god's name would I do that?<br/>
"I'll excuse you, we'll draw up a document and..."<br/>
"No!" I almost shouted, I couldn’t believe it!<br/>
"But listen to me, you will be compensated!"<br/>
"Mr Heywood, you'll be able to sort it out somehow, even after her birthday you'll be there for her and make sure she marries for love!" He held on to the door frame that led inside. He looked extremely tired.<br/>
"You can protect her yourself." I assured him.<br/>
"But no, I won't be there!" I got cold all over.<br/>
“What, why?”<br/>
“Mr Parker, I’m dying.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. rejection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney has to deal with the news and makes a decision...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry guys for the delay but I was stressed and occupied with real life... but  I changed the paragraphs of the previous chapters. ;-)</p>
<p>Thanks y'all for your commitment of this story. It's marvelous!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I couldn't believe it and stared at him wordlessly until a dark shadow came over his face and he slowly nodded.<br/>
"I'm sorry, Mr Parker." he apologised to me, what could I say?<br/>
"No, please."<br/>
He pointed with his head inside and went in, I thought I heard a noise, like a window would be closed but dismissed it as an acoustic illusion of the wind. I followed Mr Heywood into his library, not knowing what to say or what he expected me to say. I was confused, too surprised and above all shocked that I couldn't think of what to do. He went into the room with the chess set and poured whiskey into two glasses. So I guess he wanted me to drink it with him. But was it to wash down the shock or to seal something I wasn't up for? I followed him and he turned to me, handing me the glass wordlessly.<br/>
"Please forgive me for bothering you with this." He apologised again and I felt incredibly bad.<br/>
"No, please... I'm just..." I took a deep breath "shocked, to be honest."<br/>
"That I'm offering you my daughter or that I'm dying?" he asked chuckling as if he'd made a bad joke.<br/>
"Both." I admitted honestly and took a sip of my whiskey.<br/>
"You know, she's a lovely girl."<br/>
His voice only told me that he really meant it, not that he wanted to make her particularly palatable to me. He nodded and got this sad expression in his eyes, but I couldn't bear it and turned away from him a little. I was sure she was like he said. The way I had got to know her so far, she was also extremely intelligent and well-read, interested in the world and her wit had flashed through a time or two. The saying about her father's chess game came to my mind and I had to smile a little. I saw her face in front of me, the way she had looked at her father, I felt terribly sorry for her. Losing one parent or both is bad enough, but the whole thing leading to the aforementioned circumstances and she was forced to get married. It was just terrible. No one should have to get married, only be allowed to. I shook my head at the thought. There had to be another solution. Probably he had just been to the wrong doctors, not the new innovative ones. Tom had hired one for Sanditon, from what I had heard of him, he should have new medical methods. I cleared my throat.</p>
<p>"How sure are you?" I almost didn't get it out. Mr Heywood knew what I meant and just barely admitted with a soft sigh,<br/>
"Too sure."<br/>
"But maybe..."<br/>
"I've been to several different doctors, even in France and Prussia."<br/>
"But..." there had to be something.<br/>
"Thanks, but no." he was pale. "That's just it." He looked out the window "they gave me until summer. So I need to know Charlotte is save..."<br/>
"Mr Heywood." I had to tell him, rather than stall him somehow, but how should I put it? Definitely a bit more sensitive than on the terrace. I searched for words as he interrupted my thoughts.<br/>
"It's alright, I understand Mr Parker." he smiled gently at me, I had to explain but he was restless and wandered back into his library looking up at the shelves.<br/>
"Let me explain." I tried again and he looked at me.<br/>
"You don't have to, you don't really know each other. It was probably a bit rash, but I'm panicking that she's at the mercy of that old witch and there's nothing I can do about it." He drove his hands through his hair. I was so sorry for Mr Heywood and of course for his daughter, but what should I do?<br/>
“I can’t marry your daughter.” I said and it hurt me to hurt him, kind of.<br/>
“Of course.”<br/>
“I… have my reasons.” I couldn't marry without love, not even a woman like her. No question she would be a good match. A rich heiress, beautiful, intelligent and kind. But as I knew from my past, I was a man not worth loving. So even if I loved her, which of course I didn't, she would never be able to love me.<br/>
“It wouldn’t be forever, you can annul…”<br/>
“Mr Heywood, we both know that would be the worst.”<br/>
The idea alone was horrible, the scandal and her life afterwards. I could never do that to her, and she would be forever bound to me. No, matrimony was not my fate. Even though I had wished often enough I would find one day someone who loved me too, I have long since given up on that. I was sure I would never marry or become a father. I tried to explain it to him and quietly he nodded and took all my words in.<br/>
“I understand.” he said breathing heavy and looked at me and than on the floor. I knew I had to go, though it was hard, I felt like I was leaving a good friend.<br/>
“I think, for me it’s time to leave.” I said walking slowly to the door besides him.<br/>
“I hope you can forgive me my frankness.” What was that he and his daughter always apologised? I was the one who should apologise. I nodded of course I did, I was just so sorry for them.<br/>
“And I would be glad if you would come to end the chess game someday.”<br/>
I was stunned, how could he be so nice after I rejected his daughter? But maybe it was the plan to persuade me, and he seemed do know what was on my mind.<br/>
"Don't be afraid, I won't repeat my offer, you can be sure of that. I'm not angry with you either, really. I do understand."<br/>
I was really moved and told him I would be glad to come back, but I forbade myself to make an appointment, I needed time to process all this news. At the door he stopped and touched my arm.<br/>
“Charlotte doesn’t know, that I asked you or had you in mind. She doesn’t know about all this marriage plans. Charlotte only knew it was important that my aunt thinks she is well introduced, Charlotte…” he shrugged “it doesn’t matter. I have to tell her and as soon as she has an admirer…” he let the sentence unfinished and opened the door. We went two steps into the hall as Mr Heywood stopped and said<br/>
“O, I forget the candles!” and went back in the library. </p>
<p>I walked a few steps further and looked up the stairs for a moment. Somewhere up there Charlotte was sitting innocent and unknowing in her room, thinking of nothing bad, and down here her father had just offered her to me, as if we had been talking about fabric for one of her dresses. Well, it hadn't been quite like that, but just the thought that Charlotte didn't know about it, even though it was her life that was at stake, almost made me sick. Charlotte felt safe sure that one day she would marry the man of her dreams. Again I shook my head, it was such a different situation from back then.<br/>
SHE was never concerned with love, feelings or what she pejoratively called these morbid weaknesses. After I had seen her more clearly I did understand she was only interested in money and prestige. She hadn't care that the old sack she had chosen stank and was just disgusting. She hadn't mind selling herself to him because he owned the bank, had connections with the nobility and half of Beau Mode was his client. He had half the town and its inhabitants in his hands, a house in Italy and estates in France, where they had moved at some point, as I learned a few years ago. Mr Campion was able to give her everything that she thought I, as the second-born son, could never have given her.<br/>
Well, ten years later, I was good enough for a gentleman of the landed gentry to offer me his daughter and even would me pay for it, although nothing could offset her worth. Any man would be lucky to have Charlotte as his wife. I was sure of that and puffed out a sarcastically little chuckle and got caught.</p>
<p>"In such a good mood, Mr Parker?"<br/>
I turned back to the stairs and was a little speechless for a moment. Not only had I not heard Charlotte came down the stairs, nor had I expected Charlotte to look like that. I must have been really harsh in my greeting before, because Charlotte looked at me as if I had hurt her. I bowed.<br/>
"Miss Heywood."<br/>
Her name suddenly felt so foreign on my tongue, irritated I thought about the fact that I had been calling her by her first name in my head all along. It was probably due to the fact that her father had been saying her name all the time. I raised my eyes and looked at her. It probably didn't do any good to smile at her, but I did it anyway. She twitched her pale face, whatever that meant, and turned towards the library.<br/>
"Where is my father?" a small wrinkle appeared between her eyebrows on her perfectly smooth forehead and I saw panic flash in her stormy eyes, it seemed as if she was angry.<br/>
"He wanted to put out the candles." I told her.<br/>
Charlotte’s nod was very small and then she walked slowly down the stairs, stopped, curtsied and wished me a good evening. She didn't look at me and I had to admit to myself that I didn't like that at all. I watched her for a moment as she disappeared into the library, then I turned to go. The servant opened the door for me and I stepped out into the cool evening air. I had no idea what time it was, I somehow had no feeling any more. The emotions were raging inside me. How cruel fate was. I would love to help them and the question was forming in my mind whether I could introduce them to someone good enough to be her husband. Maybe I should tell Mary about it, she knew about such things and maybe she would come up with an idea.</p>
<p>I drove back home, but wasn’t in the mood to stay with Tom and Mary for too long. His plans to give a dinner party and visit the opera to meet new people to get more visitors to Sanditon was so tiring, that I went into my room. After I didn’t manage to read, I tried to sleep but it was a hard night. Full of confusing dreams, though it was one of the few nights in which did not all occur continuously on the ship. </p>
<p>I was back in the parlour of HER house, waiting for her to release the last visitor to get my final answer. I didn’t liked the game she played, the days I had waited for an answer, but in this moment I was so happy, because I was sure. Finally I was able to speak to her. Everything was like ten years ago, the sun that shone through the window, made her appear in the golden light in which she liked to show herself, a golden trophy. Her laugh clear as a bell, almost shrill after I asked if she had an answer for my proposal. She laughed as if I had made the greatest joke of all time, yet I had been so sure. I had been courting her for months. It was obvious for a lot of people that we were about to marry. She said “no.” and couldn't leave it at that. She had to tell me how much she loathed me, that I wasn't worth her time, I was after all only second born, worth nothing, certainly not of her. That I was a distraction, a plaything to get others, better offers. I felt the pain as I had then, although it was somehow duller. I felt myself standing there and she asked me to leave, but she couldn't even wait. When I looked up, she was gone and only the curtain was still moving in the suddenly dark room. It had come loose and was swinging back and forth in the wind. Suddenly I stood in front of the window and looked out into the garden. I saw Charlotte frolicking with her dog and had to smile at the sight of her. Her dark shining hair with the small red-brown strands swayed as she moved with joy and her dress glowed as if the sun were shining directly on her. Her laughter also lit up the room. Then she turned to me and we looked at each other, but the curtain blew in front of my face and I lost sight of her for a moment. I tried to push the fabric away and felt it was wet and heavy. I heard the wind howling and I was back on the ship, crashing against the waves. Charlotte called my name and I ran around the deck but couldn't find her. It wasn't until the mast came crashing down that I saw her face in front of me. I reached for her and got hold of her hand - it was ice-cold and strangely heavy, she was about to slip out of my hand as I convulsively tried to hold on to it. I felt the wood of the railing pressing into my belly as I suddenly realised she had gone overboard, I tried to pull her up.<br/>
Charlotte’s eyes told me so much, the sadness and pain joined mine and I felt warm for one little moment. I felt the smile on my face, but the expression on her face didn’t change.<br/>
It was full of angst, resigned to her fate as the next wave came and ripped her out of my hand.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. concessions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After this dream Sidney slowly realizes that there is something about Miss Heywood...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So a few questions answered I hope...</p>
<p>I'm looking forward to the conversation with y'all!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I toppled forward and woke up with a shriek on my lips. I hit the floor with my hand and just managed to avoid falling out of bed. What a darn mess! Why was I dreaming like this? I sat on my bed and rubbed my face. First I had to think clearly, which wasn't so easy, because the dream was still hanging over me somehow. As if it had driven into my bones and was paralysing me with pain, as it did then. All right, I needed some fresh air! I went to the window and opened it, took a few breaths and then tried to bring clarity into my dreams. Of course, the conversation with Mr Heywood was to blame for my dream. It had reminded me of that time, although SHE had not been forced into marriage, but it had been her decision. Yes, the dream had shown me the differences and my innermost desire to help Charlotte, I mean Miss Heywood. In any case, I would try. She shouldn't end up in a loveless marriage with a disgusting guy, she deserved better. Exactly! I thought about what I could do, and came to the decision, if Tom should think about a dinner party again I would support him in his plans or ask Babington to make sure that the Heywood’s were also invited to his sister's house when she would do her gathering, if they weren't already. <br/>These dreams came to me just because I felt so connected to them, for whatever reason. Maybe because Mr Heywood had been so nice and treated me like a friend rather than a stranger and Charlotte had been the only person who had made me feel like my scar didn't disfigure my face, like she didn't see it at all. Suddenly I had to think of her cold attitude when I said goodbye this evening. She didn't really strike me as someone who was easily offended, yet I must have offended her quite a bit with my brusque greeting. Well, I should definitely apologise for that the next time I saw her again. IF I saw her again…this thought brought a dark shadow up. What IF I didn't see her again? I shook off the thought, that was no big deal, no; I didn’t care… but I HAD to apologise to her. I certainly didn't want her to think I was a jerk who had no manners! But... but why did I even care what she thought? She was just an acquaintance, not even a friend, nothing more. <br/>I was a little surprised at my confusion and closed my eyes as I dropped into my chair. I saw her and her fearful face from the dream and the pain ran through me, I didn't want anything bad happen to her. Then I thought of her cold face, I regretted not being nicer to her. Then I remembered her smile that made my guts dance. The tentative looks when we had danced on the ball, her flushed cheeks. How her body had felt leaning against mine and how she had felt under me when I had first dreamt of her. What? Ooh, shit, that wasn't... no. NO! That’s nonsense! I stood up and shook myself to get rid of this thought. It was quite clear that I only felt this way because I was a man and had needs that I had not fulfilled for a long time. Yes! She was a beautiful woman, desirable and for sure she was very lovely, nothing more. Right, nothing more. No, there was nothing more and I would not waste another thought on it! On her. But in the next second her smile flashed in my mind once again and I was even more confused as my guts did the same strange dance, as if she would stand here with me. No, no, no, don’t think at her like that! No, nonono under any circumstances!</p>
<p>At least that was the plan.</p>
<p>But as so often in life, the plans I had did not go the way I had intended though it was often better this way. Well, that was the way it was but I didn't give up, suppressed all thoughts of her and her fate and what it might mean that I dreamt of her - almost every night. <br/>Every morning I woke up with a bad conscience, but I blocked out any thoughts of her while awake, immersed myself in my work, went out with my friends and continued to try to find investors for Tom. Of course I didn't tell anyone about my dreams, I never did. I also avoided to admit to myself that maybe - just maybe, there had to be a deeper meaning for this woman who I didn’t know and shouldn't care about, playing a role in my dreams. Sometimes she had gone overboard, sometimes I saw her just as a shadow in a white dress wandering around the ship, and sometimes I dreamed of her smiling with joy, lying under me while I tried to kiss her. This dreams were the most persistent to get rid off the whole day. Over and over again a piece of this dream or the feeling it had left stole into my thoughts and I tried to overdraw it with other thoughts.</p>
<p>For the first time I was grateful when Tom talked hours and hours about his plans for Sanditon especially for this summer. He was still in this annoying good mood, whistling and beaming as if he had been able to win the Prince Regent himself as an investor. Tom was much more enthusiastic than he had been a few weeks ago and his many plans suddenly had more substance, as if he had really given them more serious thoughts. Although I didn't feel like arguing with him, I asked him if he had an investor I didn't know about and thought briefly of the horrible Mr Howard, who fortunately never got in touch again, at least not with me.<br/>"Sidney, you think you're the only one with a knack for business?" I was almost willing to take that as something akin to a compliment, but kept my thoughts to myself. <br/>"I just found a cheaper wood supplier. It completely replaced the old one and saved me a lot of money!" Tom explained.<br/>I asked him where he had suddenly found this man, but he didn't explain, instead showing me the latest plans he had drawn. They showed the terraces that were to extend the promenade above the beach. I was quite impressed by how detailed he had worked them out, otherwise his drawings, like all his work, were characterised by enthusiasm and a wealth of ideas, but less by precision. These hour-long conversations led to me staying in the salon long after Mary had gone to bed and Tom convincing me to share my thoughts as well. It was tiring and I hoped it would help me sleep faster and more peacefully and depending on how much we drank during the conversations, I couldn't remember my dreams very well the next morning at least. Although of course I KNEW I had been dreaming about her again.</p>
<p>When the invitation to Babington's sisters was coming up, I had repressed whether I had asked him if the Heywood’s were invited and if they would be there, too. I wanted her to live a happy life, but I had to stay out of her affairs, it wasn't my business and I didn't want my sense of duty to push me into something I didn't want or would eventually regret.<br/>Anyway, in retrospect, I regretted not asking Babington, because it hit me like a solid, unexpected blow with the left, when I'd expected one with the right. I was so... I don't know the word... surprised, yes surprised, to see her again that I had to swallow before I could control myself enough to face her and her father. I remembered her as a natural beauty but at Bab's sister’s house... GOODNESS! I could really hardly think for a moment. Her dress was of pale yellow silk covered with gossamer flower-embroidered muslin. Her skin pale and shining like fragile porcelain, her hair shone in four or five different shades of brown, as if the sun, rather than the luminous candles, was shining its light on it through a shade giving tree. Charlotte looked like a meadow of delicate flowers in the early morning, when the first dew was slowly disappearing. She was stunning. When our eyes met for a blink of an eye, I could not avoid greeting them and went over. Her father greeted me warmly as always and as if the last conversation between us had never taken place, but from the moment I first laid my eyes on her for more than a second, I knew. I just knew. Bloody hell!<br/>"Miss Heywood." <br/>I looked into her eyes, which were looking at me as if she was still very sad about my behaviour, but she lowered her gaze immediately and curtsied, modest and well bred as she was.<br/>"Good evening, Mr Parker." <br/>I saw with a small touch of joy that her cheeks turned slightly pink under my gaze, but maybe it was just because I was quite obviously attracted to her at that moment. What? NO! No, of course not, I mean it was obvious that I was a bit taken aback by her appearance at that moment. Yeah. Exactly. Shit, whom was I kidding? An awkward little silence occurred between us, but her father seemed not to notice and asked about my business and talked about politics, as if we never had this conversation about marrying his daughter and get paid for it. <br/>Tom and Mary joined us a few moments later and as the ladies had met before Mary involved Charlotte, no! for me Miss Heywood, yes Miss Heywood! In a conversation and they walked away to met the other ladies Babington’s sister had invited. <br/>The evening went quite normally. Really quite normally, as usual, almost boring. Except for the card games and the short billiard match we men indulged in. At some point there was some music and I alternated between hoping and worrying whether there would be dancing. I watched with satisfaction as Charlotte, I mean Miss Heywood, chatted with one or two of Babington's acquaintances and seemed quite at ease. I was happy for her. But I must admit I was even happier when she assumed a rather stiff posture as this bachelors held a conversation with her. Not infrequently I observed a slightly annoyed smile on her face or that she let her gaze wander. And I saw with a bigger satisfaction and a dangerous feeling in my stomach that she paid no attention to the man standing with her and the other ladies, although he was generally considered very attractive. I saw her move her face slightly to the side, only to lift her gaze accidentally, which hit me as hard and unexpectedly as that enchanting smile she had given me once. While I was still thinking about the feeling that suddenly spread through me and reminded me of something from the past, she had already turned her gaze back to the guy in front of her and was even smiling at him! I clenched my jaw and remembered that she was none of my business and that she could and should do whatever helped her to find a husband. But I didn't like it, no darn shit; I didn't like it at all!</p>
<p>When I was suddenly standing in a circle, however I had got there, where Tom had more or less persuaded Mr Heywood to hold a little party like this as well, I didn’t know what to answer. Of course I knew that Tom was doing this because he hoped to increase the attention for Sanditon and Mr Heywood was much too friendly to refuse him. But I felt bad. Knowing what I knew about Mr Heywood, I could imagine that he had little desire to do this, maybe it was also incredibly exhausting. I watched him and noticed that he seemed very tired.<br/>I didn't have any excuse, because I was completely confused by these strange feelings his daughter caused, so I repeated the usual platitudes of Tom, when Mr Heywood had more or less extended the invitation. I would so much like to ask him how he was, but there was no opportunity to do so among so many people. He looked up at me at some point, leaning a little closer.</p>
<p>"Could you get Charlotte?"</p>
<p>His voice was a barely audible whisper and I was sure that no one had understood it except me, as I had somehow expected it. I nodded silently and walked across the room as if I were on my way to the tables with the small refreshments. Charlotte immediately raised her eyes as I walked towards her, as if she had sensed my intention. Our eyes met and honestly my heart leapt. But of course, it was only because she understood what I wanted to say before I was even close enough to open my mouth. She seemed to be saying goodbye to the ladies around her, pretending to be tired, because she put her hand in front of her mouth as if she could hardly suppress a yawn. Charlotte ignored my look and I condemned me for not behaving better, but just as she walked past me, she smiled thankfully.<br/>I let a moment pass and then followed her, I still had to apologise to her, and I kind of owed her that. I noticed that she thanked the Babington’s for inviting them and took her father’s arm, as if she was really very tired, although I knew of course that she was supporting him, not him her.<br/>I said goodbye to her father and fortunately, in a few passing seconds, we were standing almost alone in the hall as he was helped into his coat.</p>
<p>"Miss Heywood." <br/>"Thank you for coming to me," she said softly, but her gaze immediately dropped again.<br/>"Please forgive me for my rude behaviour last time at your house." that was the quickest I could say and I hoped that would be the end of it, she couldn't stay angry with me forever for a slightly too harsh greeting.<br/>"It was nothing." she shrugged and looked to the side. I was relieved, but only until her face took on a certain expression and she continued.<br/>"I told my father something very similar. What was he thinking to ask you that?" <br/>I suddenly felt cold. I knew she didn’t mean my greeting, she had heard our conversation! It couldn't be true! Oh shit! I had to explain that to her.<br/>"I didn't mean..." I tried, but was left of words.<br/>"No further words are necessary on this subject," she whispered and turned around to make sure no one had heard her. <br/>"Besides, you've made your dislike for me abundantly clear." she hissed quietly, before curtsying without looking at me and pushing past me. <br/>"Mr Parker."</p>
<p>But, what, no… I mean no! It was not… Just… Was she really thinking that I… but why? I mean, Ooh yes, I remembered the night. I had almost shouted “no” and “never” several times, as if it was the worst thing in the world. If it was that what she had heard, I would be offended as well. I shook my head, I had to fix it and I had to do it fast.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. verification</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney thinks a lot and comes to a realisation that blows his mind, but it doesn't really surprise him.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm really touched by your sympathy for this story and hope you enjoy the new chapter, in which hopefully a few things will be cleared up.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>But it wasn't fast enough. I would have liked to follow them right away, but that would have caused unnecessary questions and whispering, which I didn't want at all. I had to get my thoughts together first and went back to the others as if nothing had happened. I was good at suppressing my true feelings and put on the face I always wore at poker when I had a good hand. I joined Babington and Crowe this time because I knew they wouldn't question my silence or force me into a conversation I didn't want to have like Tom. My thoughts were still swirling around in my head. I kind of felt like I was going to be sick there was a pressure in my stomach, like I’d had too much to drink and my bile was about to erupt. I shook my head, because it annoyed me that she alone could cause this. No! Not her, of course, but this misunderstanding. Although it wasn't really a misunderstanding, I had said "no", but not because I didn't like her, that was what I had to explain to her, she had to understand that it had nothing to do with her. But of course I understood that she was offended. Hearing someone loudly fight tooth and nail against marrying you is… hard. Her words that she had said something very similar to her father finally got to me, too, only a little of course, but still. And for her, who had only just found out what her father had planned, it must have been doubly hard and a breach of trust that he spoke to me first instead of her. I wiped my mouth and thought about what words to choose. After all, it was a delicate matter. </p>
<p>"You can't get that her out of your head, can you?" Babington asked, and my head shot up because he couldn't have meant me. But he did.<br/>"What do you mean?" asking stupidly bought me a little time to think of what to say.<br/>"Well, Miss Heywood." Babington grinned, how did he know… why did he say that?<br/>"I know her father." as if that answer was enough for him.<br/>"She's very pretty." Babs continued, taking a sip.<br/>"I don't know,” I said as if that were not obvious even to a blind man. <br/>“She’s just the daughter of an acquaintance." I tried to end the subject, but Crowe wouldn't let it go.<br/>"Honestly, have you taken a good look at her?" Crowe raised an eyebrow and chuckling added another bummer. <br/>"I wouldn't be able to get her out of my head either." <br/>He grinning that ambiguous grin that definitely suggested no proper thoughts. A small spot in my chest began to burn unpleasantly, like I had heartburn and tried to tell him my thoughts with one look in his eyes.<br/>"Don’t even think about that, Crowe." <br/>I grunted and clenched my jaw. My head was some kind clouded and I had to admit, it was one thing that I was constantly busy suppressing thoughts of her, but that he was thinking about her in ANY way was an absolute no-go!<br/>"Well, that's what I meant." <br/>His grin told me that he was just trying to provoke me to amuse himself, but my hand twitched and I wanted to grab him by the collar and shake him. Another laugh but then Algernon asked him something, and they talked suddenly something serious but I didn’t care. I would not allow him to make his ambiguous remarks, not about her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Later, as I lay sleepless in my bed, I thought about what it meant. I wanted to protect Charlotte from Crowe's lewd thoughts, as if I had some right to her, which I didn't. I basically knew what it meant, but I didn't want it to be true. I didn't know Charlotte. The few times I had seen her and spoken to her couldn't have led me to feel that way. But I did. I put my hand on my heart to make sure it was really beating so fast when I thought of her. It was slamming against my chest like I was running. I imagined her face and those eyes that made me feel like she could strip me to the bone with one look. It seemed to me as if she was looking into my soul, which was absolute nonsense, but that's how it was. The few times we had really looked into each other's eyes, it had been like that and my guts had danced. A very tiny glimmer of something like, I don't know, maybe hope? Made me think for an even smaller moment, that that was why she always lowered her gaze so quickly, because she felt the same way. Hahaha, I laughed briefly. If that was the case, it was probably because she didn't like what she saw in my soul. She didn't want to see who I was and I couldn’t blame her, but just the thought of it made my heart rumble. <br/>This feeling was so different from the past. I couldn't be... no. It was something else, a friendly connection and sympathy for her fate, because I knew how bad it was to lose one's parents. Nothing more, no. It couldn't be that I was falling for her. NO, that... no... I mean with Eliza it had been so different. Our families had known each other since we were children. I had been so taken by her beauty, but somehow I couldn't remember what had made her so special. I sat up in my bed and pondered, trying to remember the feeling I had for her, but I couldn't. It was strange, but I had closed myself off so much and, as I liked to imagine, had put iron chains around my heart, that I never had to let anyone get close to me again who would hurt me. I had armed myself against all beauties and attempts to adorn myself, against all weapons of women. All of them were somehow indifferent to me, that I paid attention to every woman with boredom. They didn't interest me. I didn't want to hear what they said, what they felt or whether they were considered beauties. I knew for one thing that they would only see me as a dangerous pirate, but I also didn't care what they wanted or thought.<br/>It was the opposite with Charlotte. I wanted to know how she was doing, what was on her mind. I didn't want her to have bad thoughts because of me. I didn't want her to think badly of me either. I wanted her to be fine, even if it wasn't because of me, of course. I wouldn't be worthy at all. She had to get married, but she had to marry someone who made her happy, that was all that mattered. I wanted her to be happy, no matter with whom, yes. This realisation hurt me. It stung my heart. What a stupid shit! Shit, what a mess! How did this happen? Why, why? <br/>I rubbed my face and moaned into the night. The realisation I finally admitted to myself at that moment burned through my body. It made my heart twitch. I had to do something about it, banish her from my life… of course only after I apologised but still. Even if I wanted her to be all right, I couldn't bear to see her fall in love with someone and take someone else as her husband… </p>
<p>Who wasn't me.</p>
<p>This, of course, was quite intense. I was possibly falling in love with her, after I had not only ruled out marrying her, but also announced it loudly, which she knew about! Which, of course, lowered me in her choice as far as possible, if I was ever to be considered by her at all. <br/>I got up, as I couldn't sleep any more anyway, and paced around my room while I thought about what I should do now. I decided that as soon as it was decent to go to the Heywood's, I could use it as an excuse to ask about her father, and then I would have to take the opportunity to apologise to her somehow. If I wasn't the man of her heart, she should at least know that I could be a friend.</p>
<p>I was quite absent-minded at breakfast, although I tried to be distracted by Tom, who seemed to be having a promising conversation with Babington's sister, who wanted to enjoy the sea air with some friends and had signed up to, come to Sanditon for the summer. He was talking about the terraced flats being ready, and although I wondered how he was going to do it, I didn't ask. At that moment I didn't care. But as I was about to say goodbye, he asked me to join him for a moment.<br/>"Sidney, you're coming, aren't you?"<br/>"What do you mean?" <br/>I really didn't have a clue at the moment, but as is often the case with Tom, he assumed that his project was just as important to me as it was to him and so he snapped a little indignantly.<br/>"Well, you're finally interested in Sanditon," ah, that was his concern, what else.<br/>"That's why I'd like you to come with me." <br/>Well, I had to admit that for the first time in weeks it sounded quite good, a little distance from London would do me good and I wouldn't have to think about the young lady all the time, who was unwantedly spreading in my mind and tugging at my heart muscle. <br/>“When did you want to go?"<br/>Tom was obviously pleased and I was pleased when he gave me a few days, because I had to sort out a few things before I just disappeared for several days. That was a good excuse to leave the house soon after. </p>
<p>Showing up unannounced at someone's house was always an unpleasant thing to do. It wasn't good manners and I almost hoped they weren't at home, but when I was let into the house and led into the parlour so that the servant could announce me, I strangely felt suddenly at ease. As if it was already all right. I looked through the window into the garden, which seemed particularly fresh and inviting in this strangely sunny day. I was sure that Charlotte was again romping around in the garden with the dogs and I looked out for her. Unfortunately, I didn't see her and was already pulled out of my thoughts when the servant came back and asked me to follow him to the terrace. We walked through the library again, whose smell of leather-bound books had a calming effect on me, and then I stepped out onto the terrace. It was bigger than I remembered it from the evening of the fateful conversation and Mr Heywood, was sitting there, looking so much better than he had the night before and I was happy for him. At that moment it seemed like an untenable lie that he was seriously ill.</p>
<p>"What a pleasure to see you." He pointed to the second chair and we sat down.<br/>"I wanted to ask how you were," I really wanted to, even though I had shamefully been thinking only of his daughter the whole time.<br/>"Better, thank you." he took a small sip of his tea and offered me one too. "The evenings are exhausting me more and more and I would like to just stay at home, but I can't do that any longer."<br/>I nodded in understanding, though I couldn't begin to imagine how hard this must be for him.<br/>"I have claimed Charlotte for myself long enough," he smiled "she has always been a good companion on my travels. With her knowledge of the country and its history, she distracted me from the real purpose of our visit. She never complained and yet I feel I have robbed her of her opportunities."<br/>I wasn't quite sure if he was saying that more to himself or if he needed to get it off his chest. Nevertheless, it fit the image I already had of her in my head and it made her even more lovable...lovely I meant. I shook my head slightly, which he misunderstood.<br/>"Sorry, I didn't mean to rave about her or anything. It’s just... well. I guess at the end of life, missed opportunities seem heavier than they actually were."<br/>He tried to make it sound less painful with a soft laugh, but he couldn't. What could I say to that? It was horrible to have a conversation like that, although I was also flattered that he spoke so openly to me. <br/>"I think Miss Heywood was happy to accompany you," was the only thing I could say and my words made him smile. <br/>"Is Miss Heywood here too? I'd like to pay my respects." I asked a little nervously, because no matter how many times I had played the conversation over in my head, I wasn't sure how I should really talk about the delicate subject.<br/>"Yes, of course." he looked at me for a moment, as if assessing what I was about to do, but then slowly stood up. <br/>"She’s in the back of the garden, I'll take you there."</p>
<p>We walked side by side in silence for a few minutes, as if we had all the time in the world. </p>
<p>"She knows." he said then, his gaze fixed ahead.<br/>"I know," I searched for the right words, but he continued speaking.<br/>"You should have seen her," he chuckled briefly and his face took on an almost proud expression. I tried to imagine Charlotte, upset and seething with anger, but I couldn't. <br/>"I'm afraid she might have taken something... hmm yes, maybe too personally, although I never meant it that way." <br/>So it was out and I was afraid he would stop and scold me for not having such a conversation with her, but he just nodded silently.<br/>"There she is," he pointed between the trees, but I couldn't see her. "I'll talk to her for a minute and then you follow, all right?" he waited for me to agree and then walked on with more energetic steps.</p>
<p>I thought that minute was the longest of my life. I kept looking at my watch and yet the hand showed no change, however minimal. I listened and heard it ticking softly, so it was still working. I replayed the conversation in my head, a short greeting and then just out with it, was probably the best thing. When I looked at the watch again, more than a minute had passed and I continued on the same path as Mr Heywood. But apparently I had been a bit too hasty.</p>
<p>"Don't worry, Papa, I won't be unkind. I don't blame him for his decision. Why should I?" I stopped and didn't know what to do for a moment.<br/>"But you were rather abrupt last night."<br/>"Did he say that?" I couldn't see her, but I imagined her eyes widening at the words.<br/>"No, of course not, but I saw it," her father said and I tried to slip away quietly, not wanting to be caught eavesdropping.<br/>"It just slipped out." <br/>It hadn't felt like that, but she was just the good soul I thought she was. She didn't want her father to worry. I kept walking, but apparently so did they, because I kept hearing their talk.<br/>"But you're disappointed, after all, I made you like him before you even met him." <br/>My heart trembled at these words and I just had to stop walking.<br/>"You have to admit that was pretty stupid." she giggled briefly and then continued, "I should always form my own opinion and now I did." <br/>She sounded in a good mood, but I knew she must be very worried. Then I heard nothing for a moment and was glad to be back at the spot where I was before. I took a few breaths and then walked down the path again, careful to crack branches under my steps so they knew I was coming. I heard her father's voice murmur something, and then her clear voice as I stepped out of the shadows of the trees.<br/>"Papa, it's going to be fine." <br/>She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes, but mine, because she was enchanting. The sun shone on her and the breeze whirled her hair in her face and as she stroked the strand behind her ear she looked up at me and took a deep breath.<br/>"Good day Mr Parker." <br/>She curtsied and I bowed. Then her father asked to take a little walk through the spacious garden. I walked to his left and she was to his right. So it was impossible to say what I had to say. But as I was taller than Mr Heywood I could see over him to her. She seemed to be deep in thoughts because she looked ahead at the path and on her forehead were a few little wrinkles, it was like watching her think. How I would like to know what was going on in her head.</p>
<p>Once again we could rely on Mr Heywood, who seemed to sense that I wanted a short moment alone with her. After a while we passed a small bench on which he sat down and asked us to go a little further, as he needed to rest. We walked a few steps, and then Charlotte stopped. Apparently she also knew I wanted to say something, I started with <br/>"Miss Heywood," at the exact moment she said<br/>"Mr Parker." <br/>And I smiled down at her. We looked at each other for a moment and I noticed tiny little freckles on her nose, which I'd never noticed before and I don't know, I was kind of... I liked it. Yes I liked it very much, and then she continued.<br/>"I'm sorry if I made you feel obligated to come by today, but I assure you it has nothing to do with you."<br/>I didn't expect that at all and had to gather myself.<br/>"Miss Heywood, please you don't have to apologise for anything. I'm here because I thought I owed it to you to say it had nothing to do with you." <br/>Oooh well that was probably more confusing than it sounded in my head. I felt like laughing for a moment, after all we had both said almost the same thing.<br/>"I was shocked at what my father had said to you." she admitted openly and then went on to explain, "after all, you can choose any woman you want." What did she just said? Where does she get that idea?<br/>"Well, and the aversion I had heard from you doesn't mean anything, it's more like..." she thought about it for a moment "like when you're the only one who doesn't get asked to dance, you know?"<br/>No, I didn't know anything anymore. <br/>"I hope that's the end of It." she looked up at me smiling and that smile didn't reach her eyes either. <br/>"Let's pretend to be friends… for Papa." <br/>What? Pretending friends? Well, sure… better as nothing… friends.<br/>"Yes, of course." </p>
<p>Why I did, what I did then I don’t know but I reached out my hand as if to sealing the deal with a… friend and she looked shocked, of course. But what was more shocking to me was, that she took it. And no one can convince me otherwise, then that we both stilled for a moment as our hands slid into each other. We knew it was improper. We both felt our skin touch for the very first time and we both gasped almost silently but I was sure we both knew the other felt IT, too, the same thing in the moment. </p>
<p>I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not, but for me it felt absolutely right.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. handshake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So there was this improper handshake... what Sidney must be thinking and feeling??</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I swear it was almost like time was standing still. Just a brief moment, but I became aware of everything, it was just much more, somehow. I can't explain it any better. <br/>I noticed that her fingertips were cooler than the rest of her hand. The skin was dry but smooth and Charlotte’s hand was so much smaller than mine. It literally disappeared into mine and honestly I don't know what that was, but it was… I don't want to say it but yes... it was arousing. But not in a naughty way, which I was not allowed even to think in my darkest hours, with her on my mind, but in a way it was... it's so hard to put into words... it was like a kind of knowledge, which only became clear to me at that moment and yet I had the feeling it had always been there. I know it's stupid, but so it was. It felt good, like it was right, just right that her hand was in mine. That's it. <br/>But I noticed more. It wasn't a feather-light grip, like I was leading her to a dance. Not like an inanimate accessory that lay bored in my hand. No! It was a firm grip, a serious handshake, and an agreement, maybe even a promise. We lingered for a second, if at all, but it seemed so much longer. I felt a minimal twitch, her thumb sliding over my knuckles. Our fingers brushing against each other as we let go. There was something forbidden about it and yet it was just so innocent. I felt like there was a sizzling, the moment our fingertips touched for the last time, but maybe it was just her breath. It was definitely the most depraved thing she had ever done and I felt ashamed and at the same time I felt like I was winning. Something like pride filled my chest that I was the one with whom she has had this experience and god, I felt like I was a rake! I needed to apologise but I couldn’t speak.<br/>As soon as our hands were no longer joined, I wanted to reach for hers again, it was as if we weren't finished yet, but instead I clasped my hands behind my back and pinched my hand to prevent myself from doing so. I saw that she had clenched her right hand into a fist and I hoped it was to hold on to the memory of our touch and not because she disliked it. Her gaze caught me again off guard, I had to swallow, then she turned to go, but it didn't seem like she wanted to run away, but waited for me to walk back to her father with her.<br/>I must say I felt strange, like I had been spinning with Tom's kids for too long. Not exactly dizzy, no of course not, that would be embarrassing! Ha! No. More like just shortly before that. How can that be? <br/>It was clear to me why I felt it that way, because like I said, she was a field just blooming flowers in the morning dew. Untouched. But I wasn't, and yet I felt as if I had never touched another person's skin before, as if I had - as strange as it may sound - become pure again through her. I knew it was nonsense; it was just what I felt at that moment. I had already touched women everywhere and done things that, if I remembered them even shortly in Charlotte's presence, made me feel dirty.<br/>For the small moment it took us to get back to her father, I felt the wind tickle through my hair, the sun touched the skin on my face, warming my cheeks and my heart stuttered in rhythm with my steps as I caught her looking at me briefly trough her lashes.</p>
<p>"So we're going back?" <br/>Her father asked, his watchful gaze darting back and forth between the two of us as if trying to figure out what had happened. He didn't ask and I couldn't read his expression for the life of me, I was too distracted by my feelings and was honestly glad when we reached the terrace shortly afterwards and could take my hat - not only literally but also in a figurative sense.<br/>"Don't you want to stay?" asked Mr Heywood, but luckily I had an excuse.<br/>"I'm very sorry, but I have to prepare for my departure to Sanditon.” and I need distance from this girl that robbed me of my senses! I added in my head and dared to look at her, but she stood there lost in thought and I turned my attention back to her father.<br/>"Oh, you're going to the coast, isn't it too rough there in the moment?"<br/>"Yes it is, but I like it and we have to keep an eye on the construction work and prepare a few things."<br/>"Your brother invited us, and I have to say I was wondering if it would do me good." He looked to Charlotte, who smiled to him, I was sure she would accompany him there, and my heart skipped a beat by the thought.<br/>"Let me know if you like to go and I will book you the best house or apartment."<br/>Mr Heywood nodded in agreement and I said goodbye. I didn't want him to go to the trouble of escorting me out again, he suddenly seemed a little distracted and I felt bad about keeping him so long. I bowed to Charlotte but she signalled me to go ahead.<br/>"I wanted to give you that one more book," she said loudly so that her father could hear, and I played along, wanting to know what she had to talk about in private and felt my heart beat faster.<br/>"Mr Parker, is there a doctor in Sanditon?" her voice was full of concern and it tugged at my heart.<br/>"Yes there is, a very innovative one, if my brother is to be believed." I thought I could reassure her, but she asked back curiously,<br/>"Don't you usually do that?" <br/>My goodness, she tilted her head and what a sight that was! Her neck seemed even longer and my fingers twitched as I imagined for a millisecond, really no longer! that I could run my fingertips over the pale skin. I cleared my throat. <br/>"Of course I do," I laughed, "I just wanted to say that I haven't met the doctor personally yet." Our eyes met and she nodded with a slight smile, then she looked past me through the window to her father, sucked her lower lip between her teeth, which I found utterly charming, and then asked...<br/>"Could you then be so kind to book a place for us near him?"<br/>Suddenly I realised that her father's condition must be her constant worry and that it filled her whole being, after what her father had implied she had been living in isolation for years. I wished I could change it and take away her worry.<br/>"Of course." I assured her and smiled at her in understanding.<br/>"If I knew a little more, I might be able to prepare the doctor for your visit." <br/>I didn't want to seem curious, but I wanted to help her somehow. Charlotte looked at me as if she had to think about whether she could trust me and although she didn't tell me anything, I found the reason so stunning that I liked her even more for it.<br/>"I think if he wants you to know, Papa should tell you." We looked at each other for a moment and she smiled a little.<br/>"Thank you for being such a good friend to him." <br/>I nodded and then the most incredible thing happened. It wasn't her words, but the fact that she seemed to reach for me and although she stopped in the middle of doing so, I felt the closeness of her right hand over my left. Maybe I was just imagining it, but if I did not? <br/>I didn't realise I’d been holding my breath until I caught my breath outside the house. I really wondered, how could an almost touch of this young girl I hardly know trigger something like that?</p>
<p>But I tried not to think about it, because I really had a lot to do to hand over everything to the right people and reorganise deliveries before I left for Sanditon with Tom. I went to the harbour and talked to my people there, went to my warehouse and looked after things, even paid bills that could have been left lying around, but I wanted to avoid any people waiting for their money, I couldn't stand that at all. Who knew when I would really return? I knew how it was with Tom, he always found something to stay a day or a week longer in Sanditon, what of course was necessary for him, less for me, but he would ask me to stay and would always come back with the old thing that he had helped me back then, although that was quite different. <br/>Eliza had caught me so cold with her rejection that I was as stupid as I was, drowning my heartbreak in alcohol, gambling, winning money to drink even more, losing money and trying to numb the pain of my debts and my broken heart with opium. I just did not want to feel anything anymore.<br/>It had worked until Tom saved me, he and Mary took me away from alcohol and gambling, put me on that damn ship and then sent me away, sometimes I rather felt he wanted me out of the way so I couldn't cast shadows on him and of course Sanditon. But I had continued to drink and made a name for myself as a gambler on the ship until the damn storm came. <br/>Or should I say luckily? <br/>It was only because I almost drowned or later almost died of the wound fever that I got my shit together. The cold withdrawal in the monastery, the quiet, contemplative life there as I recovered from my severe injuries and this monk and the one nun who supplied me with books had saved me. Of course that was only a small part of the story for Tom, for him he had decided that he had saved me and therefore had an eternal claim on me to do things for him or lend him money.</p>
<p>Since I had thought about this time so much, I dreamt about the storm again this night, as usual, or no wait… actually I had been dreaming of other things lately, too… anyway, this dream was strange, but I liked it very much. It gave me such a good feeling, that I woke up with a smile on my face the next morning! What didn’t happened since I had fought for my life in reality and since then every night in my dreams. I didn't want to think about WHY I had dreamed it and what it might MEAN, I pushed that away, I just wanted to enjoy what it did to me…and yes of course, what SHE did to me.<br/>I was on the ship, the storm was in full play as I recognised her hand in mine. First I held it strongly, so she would not slip away, while the waves tore the ship around. Then suddenly her hand was in mine like we were strolling around in… how could it be otherwise? Yes exactly! - In a flower meadow! The sun was rising, the cold damp of the night was still in the air and the colourful blossoms were just coming to life. I saw her walking in front of me, looking over her shoulder back to me a few times, as if to make sure I was still there, following her on the path through this lush garden, or whatever it was. I could feel the flowers under my palms as I let my hands flow over them. I watched her speed up and then run away in a playful, almost childlike manner. She stopped a few feet away, smiled cheeky as she walked backwards, turned around and ran off, and I knew I had to follow her no matter what and started running.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Sanditon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In Sanditon we get to know something we suspected all along, but it hits Sidney like with a sledgehammer</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry you had to wait... it sucks that I can't update faster</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The drive to Sanditon was exhausting. Not the ride itself, but the fact that Tom was spouting his latest plans at me the whole time and therefore my brain was more or less in sleep mode, but I also had to be at least halfway attentive, because Tom had the habit of asking questions to check that he was being listened to. I asked my obligatory questions about how large, how much it should cost and when it should be finished, the typical and he answered enthusiastically, but not in detail. Everything was only half addressed, then he jumped with his attention to something else, then back to the first ball he wanted to hold, the new bathing machines, the musicians for the ball, the healthy sea breeze and his new innovative doctor, who normally wouldn't interest me, but whom I desperately wanted to meet on this visit. Tom was thrilled when I told him, but fortunately didn't ask why I wanted to see him. </p>
<p>As we got closer to the Sanditon, I wondered how Charlotte would like it here. Something inside me told me that she would rather liked such a small former fisher village than the beau mode, that she would prefer to go on holiday here than to Bath. As far as I knew from Mr Heywood, she had accompanied him on his travels, I assumed after her mother's death, but I wasn't sure about that either. I would like to talk about her travels when she would come to Sanditon, I was sure they would if I could assure her the doctor would be near by. If she would like to walk on the beach, I could imagine the wind blowing her hair around her head and maybe she would even laugh. I realised I never heard her laugh, how would it sound? Certainly not like the pretentiousness of some of the other ladies. I could imagine, as there was sometimes a teasing glint in her eyes that she could really laugh. You know laugh for real, from the inside, with heart and soul. I thought about what would make her laugh? Would I be able to make her laugh? There was so much I wanted to know from her, I had a thousand questions and much more.</p>
<p>Later, as I lay in my bed, it was a constant alternation between waking and drifting off into a nameless dream. I was briefly on the ship, but awoke again before the storm broke. I kept turning over and over, thinking about what I could tell the doctor about Mr Heywood. I didn’t know much, the only thing I knew was that he was far too young to die.<br/>
I closed my eyes a moment to chase away the burgeoning pain. It must be painful to know this but not be able to do anything about it. How awful must it be for him to be on the hurry to manage all his affairs as he hoped? Briefly I felt a strange pang of regret, but I shook it off. I wasn't the right one! No, not for her! I wanted to suppress the thought of his daughter, but tired as I was I couldn’t defend myself from the images and honestly I didn’t really wanted to. Thinking of her calmed me, even when I couldn’t stop thinking in circles.<br/>
Charlotte had a good relationship with her father, she loved him that was quite obvious, she had already lost her mother, as far as I knew no closer relationship with her relatives and because of her father's illness she was not only in constant worry but also a little isolated.<br/>
I felt so sorry for her. The images of her came and hit me with full force. I saw her standing in the garden, lit up by the sun, smiling at me, playing with the dog and running around in the garden, the life-full energy she radiated, the natural curiosity with which she had asked me questions also my opinion of Tom. How she had put her head to one side. My fingers twitched at the memory of how the skin of her hand had felt in mine. I tried to open my eyes but sleep overcame me, while I kept telling me in my head that I was not the right one, I felt how I drifted away as if I was on the ship but the sea was silent… the blur of a dream was about to catch me and I allowed myself a small moment, just a very small moment… only just one…</p>
<p>And in my dream I let my finger run over the smooth skin of her neck. How wonderful it felt! I saw her big eyes silently asking me questions, her full pink bottom lip drawn between her teeth. My imagination swallowed me and sucked me deeper and deeper into her spell. Her slightly open lips waiting for me to press mine on them. The images from my other dreams added to this and suddenly she lay smiling beneath me, warm and fragile in my rough hands. I saw her face blushing, her breath went fast, her nipples pushing through the thin chemise she wore, my thumbs gently stroking them so as not to overwhelm her with my desire, and I desired her, oh yes.. I wanted… I wanted.. I wanted her, oh yes I wanted her... I kissed her everywhere and felt her soft body under mine. Ooh yes, I wanted her, yes, yes I freaking wanted her! But most of all I wanted to hear her laugh. And she did, in my dream she laughed and I with her, we were happy and we kissed and she touched my face and I felt her hands all over my body, everywhere, really everywhere and she stroked me and I loved it and I told her that I loved it, and that I loved how she felt in my hands and her hair on my face and her lips on mine, and I laughed into her skin and she in my mouth and I loved it! Oooh damn I loved it as we joined and I told how much and how freaking much I loved her and she smiled and I…</p>
<p>WHAAAT??!!? </p>
<p>I jumped up, shocked, and not only because I had dreamt THAT but my physical reaction to this dream. God I was so ashamed and hid my face in my hands! How could I dream such a thing about her? Why just why? No, I couldn't allow myself to do that, no, no! I couldn't! She was too pure to have such a dream about her! I had never had such a dream! I let myself fall back on my pillow but I didn't dare close my eyes I knew what I would see. Her, her and what it had been like with her, how it had felt. In my dream, it was just a dream. Oooh shit! Bloody hell! It had felt so real and I… no I couldn't think about it. I was not allowed to think about it! Don’t think about it! Don’t think about it! I needed to cool down. Yes.<br/>
I jumped out of bed and looked out the window, luckily it was already morning and the town had come to life, I got dressed and ran out of the house. I tried to count my steps so I wouldn't have to think about her and THIS dream. No!<br/>
Barely half an hour later the ice-cold water cooled my heated body. It prickled on my skin, like thousands little needle sticks, but it was good, I needed the pain. I should be in much more pain for dreaming such a thing! Yes for sure… but the dream did not vanish, I could still see her outline despite open eyes... but luckily only her beautiful face. Her eyes and the smile yes the smile and my heart was doing strange things. It was beating slowly and faster and damn it. Damn it! Just a moment ago I thought I was MAYBE slowly falling a bit in love… slowly! Shit this wasn't falling slowly! This was rapidly falling into unknown depths and I was already in the middle of it!</p>
<p>While I was getting dressed and making my way across the beach back to town, the most absurd thoughts came to me. That I could agree to marry her after all, but that wouldn't work because her father wouldn't bring up the subject again. And it would also be extremely selfish! The most important thing was that she became happy. That was all that mattered and she would never be happy with someone like me. I was not worth her, I was an ugly man with a cold heart, and I couldn't bear it if she hated me. But maybe it was true what her father had said in the garden, that she liked me. No, no, that can't be. She insisted that she had made up her own mind and she had suggested that we be friends… well, not really. She had suggested that we PRETEND to be friends for her father's sake. So I was not more to her than a friend of her father, an acquaintance… nothing more.</p>
<p>After I repeated this in my mind about hundred times I was overcome by a strange sluggishness. It was probably because I had slept so badly, I was dragging myself up the path and walking in the sand had never taken so much of my strength as it did at that moment. I walked across the unfinished promenade and wondered why the workers weren't there to complete it. It was probably the easiest work and would benefit the visitors and also the residents. They could pull their handcarts more easily, take a little break on one of the benches and look at the sea without having to go down to the beach and then knock the sand out of their shoes afterwards. I tried to remember if Tom had said anything about it in the carriage. If there was a reason for the delay, but I couldn't think of anything, I should probably ask him about it. Ha, or James Stringer, the construction manager's son. Who was just coming towards me, this would be a good distraction. </p>
<p>"Good morning, Mr Stringer!" I greeted him and he raised his head and nodded silently at me, almost as if he wanted to say something, but it didn't come from his lips.<br/>
"Mr Stringer?" I asked, until now I had only known him as an extremely friendly man who remained friendly despite his hard work on the construction site. He stopped and greeted me a little friendlier, but he seemed to want to move on.<br/>
"Are you on your way to the promenade?"<br/>
"No, sir."  I looked at him questioningly; he was usually not only friendlier but more talkative.<br/>
"What's the matter Mr Stringer, you seem a bit...un-relaxed."<br/>
That was an understatement, he seemed as if he wanted to break something. I thought I knew what, or rather who, the reason was. Surely Tom had asked for some changes again that were neither impossible nor meant that they would have to destroy the work that had been done and start all over again.<br/>
"What did he do?" I asked in an amused tone so as not to show him that I also found working with Tom terribly exhausting, not everyone needed to know.<br/>
"Then you don't know?" he asked with a distant look, as if he couldn't trust me, and I told him that he should just tell me what was going on.<br/>
"We've been replaced." he looked me firmly in the eye.<br/>
"What do you mean?" I couldn't make sense of it.<br/>
"Like I said. Mr Parker has relieved us of our work and new people are working on his project." he puffed sarcastically, "first the evil stuff and then this!" I was taken aback, what did that mean? The Stringers and the rest of the workers had been working for Tom for years.<br/>
"Yes but...?" I began but he interrupted me it seemed as if he needed to get it out of his chest.<br/>
"Do you know how difficult it is to get new work at this time? Everyone has the teams together. Our group has to break up and look for work individually. My father is too old!" he slowly got a bit louder "he has been working for you for almost ten years and now he can just leave."<br/>
"I'll talk to my brother." was the only thing I could offer him. I didn't want him to speak any louder - it didn't have to be the talk of the town again - nor could I think of any reason why Tom should do that.<br/>
"That's very nice of you, but he's already hired the new ones, they are working." he took off his hat and fiddled with the brim.<br/>
"But they're not working, I just came from the promenade."<br/>
"They're working on the terraces, Mr Parker said that was more important so the visitors would have somewhere to stay." I ran my hand through my hair and wondered what it all meant.<br/>
"Did you just come from Tom?" I wanted to know how fresh this information was and then consider how and whether it was possible to change anything.<br/>
"I came from Trafalgar House, he wasn't there apparently." he didn't seem to believe it.<br/>
"He told us by letter last week and when we saw the carriage coming into town yesterday we thought he would talk to us again, but he hasn't yet."<br/>
I really didn't know what to say to any of it, apart from lending Tom money and trying to get people to invest in his Sanditon, I just didn't have any insight.<br/>
"There had to be a reason.” I said of course there must be for dismissing such capable people. Mr Stringer raised his eyebrows and shook his head in disbelief, probably not realising that I didn't know.<br/>
"He changed timber suppliers."<br/>
"I know that." I didn't understand why he did it in the middle of the construction phase, but Tom had to watch the costs, of course I understood that.<br/>
"We complained about the quality."<br/>
Ooh, well, complaining to Tom was always a bit tricky. If it was a complaint that played into his hands, then he could move heaven and hell to turn the whole thing around in his favour, but if it was a complaint that could be taken as criticism, that was usually the death blow.</p>
<p>After talking to Mr Stringer for a few more sentences, I ran home and found Tom in his study. He was bent over a huge sketch of a tower, the function of which I still didn't understand, and was drawing on it. I immediately spoke to him about the matter with the workers, but Tom wouldn't be Tom if he wouldn’t try to play it down.<br/>
"Tom, I've just met Mr Stringer, you can't just sack these people, they've worked for you for ages and done a good job."<br/>
"I can do what I want, I'm the boss." Of course he was and needed it to say it as often as possible, I rolled my eyes.<br/>
“Tom, they are good people you can’t let them down!”<br/>
I tried to appeal to his common sense; it was better to have good workers that you had known for years than new ones that you couldn't assess. I also mentioned to him what Stringer had said about the quality of the wood and he suddenly became indignant.<br/>
"Stringer, Stringer! If it were up to him we'd build everything out of stone and marble to make it more solid!" He emphasised the last word as if it were something bad.<br/>
"Tom, it should also be in your interest to build solid, so that the constructions don't collapse at the slightest gust of wind," I said but of course Tom knew better.<br/>
"You have no idea! At the slightest gust of wind, pff! Did Stringer say that? Of course he did, he always wants the best and most expensive material, and of course he doesn't have to pay for it."<br/>
"Stringer is a reasonable man and simply wants to do a good job," I had no doubt about that. "And you have responsibility for them."<br/>
"I know that, little brother," he shook his head as if I were too dim to understand. "But I also have to keep an eye on the costs."<br/>
"Tom, I realise that, but you also have a responsibility to your workers, not only to pay them well and make sure everything is running smoothly, but also to keep them safe. These people have families, you can't just kick them out!" I argued, wishing Mary were here, she would be able to talk to him better.<br/>
"I'm not a charity!" he shouted at me and I thought his outburst was a bit exaggerated "the new ones are working already!"<br/>
"On the terraces, I know, but the promenade would be even better, the residents could benefit from that too, things might go easier and faster."<br/>
"What do you want from me?" he cried annoyed.<br/>
"Maybe you can let Stringer and his people finish their work as planned and the new workers support them, let them do the promenade." I tried to find a compromise.<br/>
"And who is going to pay for that?"<br/>
"The costs should remain the same as if they did it one after the other, so you can even save time and get more done by the summer." and then we could rethink how Stringer and his people could keep their jobs in the future.<br/>
"When you put it like that." Tom considered and I relaxed for the first time since my dream, but at his next words I tensed so hard it burned in the back of my neck.<br/>
"That would be a win-win situation."<br/>
"Why do you say that?" I asked and a very bad feeling crept up my spine, I had the feeling I already knew the answer. I was sure he worked with Howard and he was responsible for the cheaper labour and the cheap wood.<br/>
"Say what? That's a good idea Sidney I'll... I'll think about it."<br/>
"Are you working with Howard?" I asked straight out, he couldn't be serious!<br/>
"Oh Sidney don't look like it's a crime!" he seemed completely calm and I asked him why he hadn't listened to me and why he was working with such a man.<br/>
"Do you expect me to believe the words of a bawd? Besides, I honestly don't care what he does with the women, that's his business."<br/>
"Tom!" I couldn't believe what he was saying and I was sure Mary would go crazy if she heard it.<br/>
"Sidney, he's a nice man. Really knows his stuff and has a big pile of money invested."<br/>
"But..."<br/>
"I invited him to the ball, maybe he can convince you then." he described him as if he was a nice gentleman and I really wondered if we were talking about the same man, but at some point Tom was tired of the conversation and my bickering.<br/>
"Sidney, I don't want to justify myself to you. I know more about this than you do."<br/>
"But you don't let Arthur and I take shares and give some to this stranger, maybe he's ripping you off and just wants to..."<br/>
"Just wants to what? To make a profit, I know that!"<br/>
"But Tom, there must be more to it, he's never been here before and didn't know either of us..."<br/>
"He always wanted a hotel on the coast, but since the land is in private hands..."<br/>
"There you go!" I exclaimed, "He wants get land to build it for his own business!"<br/>
"You are always so negative and never believe in the good!” he laughed hysterically as if I had gone completely mad and then changed the subject so abruptly that I almost felt dizzy.<br/>
"So where do you want to book a apartment for your friends? On the promenade?"<br/>
"Tom, we have to talk about it, I don't trust Howard!" and for a moment I wondered why I was even bothering, because after all it wasn't my disaster.<br/>
"Don't get aggravated!" Tom laughed, "or you'll need one of those relaxing baths Dr Fuchs is talking about." </p>
<p>I was glad that he reminded me of the doctor and of much more important things, Mr Heywood's health. I said goodbye in the next moment and walked quickly to Dr Fuchs' house, thinking about how to describe Mr Heywood’s health and where exactly he and his daughter might live, which was close enough to the doctor and yet gave them the feeling of being on holiday. And of course, how could it be otherwise I immediately had images of her in my head. Not this of my dream, fortunately but of her walking across the beach, her whirling hair and smiling at me over her shoulder and I realised I was calming down and grinning stupidly as I knocked at the doctor’s house.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. conversations</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney has many conversations, learns some things and somehow knows nothing and yet he knows...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm looking forward to talk to you about this chapter!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dr Fuchs was a somewhat short man with friendly eyes behind small glasses, a firm handshake and a strong Prussian accent. While we were still greeting each other, he looked me over from head to toe, probably to get a first impression of my state of health.<br/>
"What brings you to me Herr Parker?"<br/>
"I have a friend..."<br/>
"Oh, yes." the doctor nods as if he understands and I was sure he thought the friend in question was me, but I immediately set him straight.<br/>
"He will be on holiday here soon with his daughter and it is very important to her that they live near you."<br/>
"Why, that? Is she seriously ill?"<br/>
"No, her father."<br/>
"Do you know anything about his disease?"<br/>
"No nothing."<br/>
"How old is he?"<br/>
"I don’t know for sure, but he seems not older than his early forties."<br/>
Verstehe.” he said in his language and nodded, so I took it as an agreement, that he might understand what I meant.<br/>
"What can you tell me about the symptoms or does he takes some medicine?"<br/>
"No I’m afraid." I didn’t know anything.<br/>
"Is he coughing or having trouble breathing?" and watched me as I was thinking about it.<br/>
"Not at the times we spent the evenings together."<br/>
"Is he in pain?"<br/>
"I can't tell you that either, Dr Fuchs."<br/>
"What have you noticed?" I could definitely answer that for him.<br/>
"He sometimes looks extremely exhausted, tired, he looks as if he has aged for years."<br/>
The memory of that really hurt me. His pale almost grey skin, and this distant look in his eyes as if he was thinking of something really sad.<br/>
"When does that happen?"<br/>
At first I didn't understand the question but then my mind was flashed with images of Mr Heywood.<br/>
"Well in the evenings, that's why he doesn't like to go out anymore."<br/>
"Hmm." said the doctor, writing something down in a little booklet.<br/>
"Think some more. Bitte."<br/>
I imagined our encounters and the hints Mr Heywood had made.<br/>
"He says the evenings exhaust him more and more, but he is also tired after little walks in the garden." I remembered our first walk in the garden and added more to myself than to the doctor "and after strenuous conversations." My heart clenched.<br/>
"Is that all?" asked Dr Fuchs and I shrugged and he started a second wave of questions.<br/>
"Is he then pale, is he breathing heavily, changed in his behaviour?" I nodded but hardly had a chance to answer because the doctor listed some more things.<br/>
"Is he often depressed or stressed?"<br/>
"Oh, well..." I should be honest, "I think so."<br/>
"Work-related or emotional?"<br/>
"I think the latter." I didn't know what exactly the doctor was writing in his book, but apparently he wasn't satisfied with the answers I gave him.<br/>
"Can you tell me more about that?" I was a bit shocked, I couldn't tell him what wasn't my secret to tell, who knew if the doctor could really be trusted? And I didn’t want Mr Heywood be exposed to anyone.<br/>
"You don't have to say anything." he smiled in understanding, but still I wanted to tell him something.<br/>
"His wife died five years ago." I didn't know if this was the information Dr Fuchs needed, but I thought Mr Heywood had seemed so sad and what her death had done to his and Charlotte's lives.<br/>
"If he's here, I should talk to him myself." Dr Fuchs nodded again in a friendly manner, he did it quite often, and once again my mouth worked before my brain.<br/>
“What do you think? Will he really die?"<br/>
He looked at me seriously for a moment, then thought about it and asked me:<br/>
"Will we not all die at some point?”<br/>
He knew this wasn’t the answer I was looking for and asked then.<br/>
“What is your connection with him or his family?"<br/>
An answer formed in my head that I was not allowed to give, because it was not true, it could have been true if I had not been such an idiot and had accepted his offer to marry his daughter.<br/>
"I'm just a friend," one for him as well as for her.<br/>
"Then I'm very sorry, but I can't talk to you about it."<br/>
I was surprised, but really very pleased.<br/>
"I can only make assumptions anyway, as long as I haven't made up my own mind about him." he explained, but I waved him off.<br/>
"I understand Dr Fuchs, it's none of my business, I just wanted to make sure that you were there and that you would take care of him in any case."<br/>
"Of course. I'm here and I'm staying."<br/>
His friendly smile reassured me a bit, because I was firmly convinced that he had already formed an opinion, but refrained from making assumptions and spreading rumours, that was something I really appreciated in people.</p>
<p>Too bad they weren't all like that. I went back home, I should try to talk to Tom again and find out more about his collaboration with Mr Howard, I just hoped that everything was on track. But he blocked out all questions and just said placating.<br/>
"I know what I'm doing."<br/>
"Tom, you should trust your brothers rather than a stranger, if you need money let us take shares and not this... this man."<br/>
"You know my opinion on this and I'm not going to change my mind. I have everything under control."<br/>
I couldn't force him to listen to me and gave up; I also had other questions on my mind.<br/>
"What decision did you come about the workers?"<br/>
"I think you had a pretty good idea." What was he up to; he never made me a compliment.<br/>
"When are you going to tell them?" I asked instead of the questions in my head.<br/>
"Me? No, no, you do it."<br/>
I gasped, knowing that Tom wasn't doing it because it was my idea, but rather he didn't want to face the workers after treating them so badly. I was sure he couldn't avoid them forever, but just this one time I wanted to give him what he wanted, so I agreed. But before I left for the workers, I asked my brother what the bookings for the apartments looked like, and he showed me the booking book. I wondered how he could read anything in it at all, his handwriting was large and squiggly and quite a few bookings were crossed out or had notes in the margin. With much arrogance in his voice he announced that the apartments on the terraces were all booked out, which made me look up in surprise after all, they weren't even finished. He understood my gaze and told me in his typical enthusiastic tone<br/>
"Don't worry, little brother, we'll make it."<br/>
"I'm sure." I agreed and then explained that I was looking for something quieter for my friends in the second street.<br/>
"Why, they're rich, they should get one of the best apartments."<br/>
I didn't even respond to his comment, because he had just said that they were all booked up, I just kept talking as if I hadn't heard.<br/>
"When I went that way earlier, I found it very pleasant. It’s quieter there and that is what they like."<br/>
"That’s right you went to the doctor." Tom looked at me for a moment and his question annoyed me so much that I clenched my jaw.<br/>
"Is Miss Heywood ill?" but he didn't wait for an answer and made assumptions.<br/>
"I'm sure she's ill, she's been very pale and quiet, he's very much alive, like life in full bloom. I'm sure I can convince him to invest..." he went on but I didn't listen to him, it annoyed me that he was so blind and talking nonsense.<br/>
"Ha, maybe you should court her!" he ended his speech.<br/>
"Pray what?"<br/>
"Well, I saw the way you were looking at her," he nudged my shoulder as if we had some kind of secret understanding.<br/>
"She's quite pretty, rich and if you like her." he grinned and I had to admit I envied him for making it sound like I had a chance with her.<br/>
"She's a good match Sidney." he looked me in the eye, nodded and put his hand on my shoulder and as so often he squeezed, but I had stopped flinching a long time ago and didn’t gave him the satisfaction of hurting me.<br/>
"But she's not..." but why did I even try? Tom interrupted me in his all-knowing way and made the barrel overflow.<br/>
"And though it's not the great love, it's not so bad."<br/>
I groaned, as if he knew, but it got worse.<br/>
"If she's that sick she might..."<br/>
"Tom!"<br/>
"What? I only mean..." he looked at me quite innocently.<br/>
"She's not sick, you understand?"<br/>
"All right." he admitted in this tone, as if he fully understood that I would freak out if he said another word about her.<br/>
"But maybe her father...?" there was no way I was going to say anything about Mr Heywood, Tom would screw it up somehow and the rumours would spread.<br/>
"They just like it a bit quieter that's all and now go and see if there's anything free in the street." I mumbled and he always the poor boy, who had been put down for no reason, raised his hands in defence and I was already boiling inside.<br/>
"All right, all right."<br/>
He took out the other book with the bookings for the hotel and holiday apartments on the street parallel to the promenade and told me that there were three apartments available. I said I wanted to look at them and he gave me the name of the caretaker and without any further word I was out of Trafalgar House, faster than he could react. </p>
<p>I was so angry I could have smashed something. I stomped into the street with long strides, so annoyed I was about to burst, and I grumbled at the poor caretaker, but he didn’t show if he was annoyed, but showed me the apartments. I imagined Charlotte and as soon as I saw her face in my mind, I calmed down. The fact made me chuckle. She wasn't even near me and she had such an effect on me. I remembered the effect she had on me this morning but I immediately shook it off. There was no way, I was thinking about THAT ever again. No… maybe later. I cleared by throat and I imagined how she would live here and pictured in my mind that I would have fresh flowers delivered to her every day and that I would get a few books and of course chess set. I hoped I could somehow make her happy and chose the flat where the bedroom, which in my mind was hers, faced the sea. In my mind’s eye I saw her standing at the window and hoped that it might make her forget, at least for a brief moment, what was going on in her life.<br/>
"This apartment is it and I will give you the details as soon as I know when they will arrive." I was much friendlier now and the caretaker even smiled, apparently he had already forgiven me for being so rude.<br/>
"This guests are my friends and everything concerned them you talk to me." I gave him a small tip, which I hoped would make him keep this little secret for himself.<br/>
“Of course, Mr Parker.”</p>
<p>I didn't want to miss the stagecoach, so I went to the hotel, asked when it was expected and then hurried home to write a letter to Mr Heywood. There was no hurry, but I wanted them to know as soon as possible. I thought about how I could mention in the letter that they would be staying near the doctor without offending Mr Heywood. After all, it was a secret deal between his daughter and me and I remembered that she had used the secret code to lend me a book and I knew she would understand if I answered this way.<br/>
“Please tell Miss Heywood that I have already started the book and that it is exactly as she described it."<br/>
I wrote and hoped she would understand the hint and was happy that we already had a secret code. I smiled, maybe we could communicate like this in the future until she would allow me to talk to her directly - what? Ooh, I should really come to my senses! It was irresponsible what I was getting myself into, all this feelings and… dreams. I shouldn't do that! No, no I really shouldn’t do that. She wasn't mine and most likely never would be. I should stop imagining things and painting a future with her, she would come here and make an acquaintance, meet her future husband, yes, and I should help her as a good friend!!! Yes, yes, sure. At this thought I was almost supressing a sob, no of course not that would be ridiculous! By this thought I was supressing a sigh, yes a sigh for what would never be. For a moment I lost sight of everything and stared into the air until my eyes itched and then I finished the letter and left the house again. </p>
<p>After I brought the letter to the post office I went to find Mr Stringer in his cabin.<br/>
"Mr Parker." He looked at me in amazement and invited me into his humble home. As soon as the door was closed, I began to explain to him what would happen next.<br/>
"Thank you, Mr Parker, we will never forget what you have done for us..."<br/>
"No, it was Tom, I just ..." I began, but I just couldn't finish the lie and we both looked at each other with understanding. He knew exactly how it was with Tom, always gave the praise to him too.<br/>
"Have you already spoken to the other workers?"<br/>
"You mean the other team? No, you are the first."<br/>
We talked for a moment more and then I left to meet these men I never met before and tell them that they had to build the promenade from now on. When I found them and asked for their master, I gave him the new information. And although his workers seemed happy to leave the more tedious work on the terraces, their master asked.<br/>
"Are you sure this is right?"<br/>
"Of course, my brother decided so."<br/>
I knew they wouldn't take me seriously and was already forming the words in my mind to send Tom over soon, when the man in front of me said.<br/>
"What your brother says doesn't count, I mean, did the boss order this?"<br/>
I looked at him with a lack of understanding, but this bad feeling was slightly back in my neck.<br/>
"My brother is the boss."<br/>
The fact that the man in front of me did not even try to suppress a grin while shaking his head, should have made me angry or sceptical, but I already had this knowledge of what he was going to say next. And I couldn't suppress the cold shiver that ran down my spine when I finally heard the words. </p>
<p>“NO! Mr Howard is.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. back and forth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney needs to deal with the new informations, has a LONG conversation with his stupid brother, a short travel back to London and one of the most important questions...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the delay.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I ignored the greetings from our servant and rumbled into Trafalgar House, calling Tom from the door.<br/>
"What have you got yourself into?" I yelled at him as I came in his room and Tom, as usual, looked at me as if he didn't know what I was talking about. I enlightened him but he just waved it off as if it was nothing.<br/>
"He has his team and I have mine, it's quicker that way."<br/>
"That’s nonsense!" I shouted, "Why would Howard do that? You’re the boss, it's your project and I think he's invested money?" I really needed to know now, because after all, it was all very strange.<br/>
"He did!" Tom shouted annoyed, he groaned loudly as if he was bored with the whole thing and explained, "he sent me his people, who he pays himself and..."<br/>
"He pays this workers out of his own pocket to build YOUR seaside resort?" I asked incredulously, this was becoming more and more ridiculous.<br/>
"Yes." Tom looked at me and I really wondered if he still knew what he told me before, I thought it would be better to remind him.<br/>
"But you said they are cheaper and you would take them instead of ours, have you forgotten already?"<br/>
"No, of course not. They are cheaper because Mr Howard is paying them."<br/>
"But you were going to sack Stringer and the others, or rather you already had!"<br/>
"Yes, just to.. uhmmm.. to save money."<br/>
"Tom, what is that all about? Do you need money?" It couldn't be anything else, could it?<br/>
"No, I’m fine!" He laughed but I didn’t believe him. "Don't read anything into it, Sidney. It's nothing!"<br/>
"Why would a businessman who is only looking for his own interest, do such a thing?"<br/>
"He's just a..." whatever Tom was about to say, I cut him off.<br/>
"TOM! He’s not a good person. He's not doing this because he likes Sanditon so much or whatever you want to believe! He’s not your friend either!"<br/>
Tom looked as if I had truly hurt him with those words.<br/>
"I know that!"<br/>
"What did you negotiate?"<br/>
"Nothing more..."<br/>
"Tom, his team doesn't take you serious and they’re waiting for an order from him."<br/>
"That's fine, I've already written a letter, I’ll send tomorrow."<br/>
"But until an answer will come, his workers will just sit around and refuse to work!" I noticed.<br/>
"Yes, but that's his problem, not mine." Tom shrugged as if it was no big deal.<br/>
"Tom, no businessman likes to lose money!"<br/>
"I know that too!" he shouted so loudly that my ears rang but I shouted back.<br/>
"If his workers get paid even though they don't work, he will make YOU pay for it!"<br/>
"Oh Sidney you and your strange theories."<br/>
I ignored this remark, and I really would like to beat him, but just let out a long snort and then asked more quietly.<br/>
"What exactly did you agree on?"<br/>
Tom looked at me as if I were speaking in a foreign language that he had trouble understanding.<br/>
"TOM! You must have a contract or something in writing!"<br/>
Then he laughed. Tom laughed out loud, as if I had made the best joke ever, and laughing, he told me, after several tries.<br/>
"You might do that, but gentleman don't need that."<br/>
"What do you mean?"<br/>
I hoped he wasn't saying they had agreed on a handshake, but that's exactly what he wanted me to believe and I nearly collapsed at this nonsense.<br/>
"Tom, are you kidding or lying to me? I know Howard wouldn't do that. He's the kind of man who likes to remind people what they owe him."<br/>
Tom kept silent and his eyes twitched as if he was chasing a zigzag-flying fly in the room with his gaze.<br/>
"Tom, what was the deal?" I asked calmly, I wanted to show him that I was on his side.<br/>
"Nothing, Sidney. We did the normal deal, like with anyone else. He gave me money, we agreed on the date of repayment."<br/>
"And the workers?" Tom kept silent for a moment longer, I saw in his face that he was thinking about if he should tell me and finally he did.<br/>
"The workers help with the construction, and in return he gets one of the finished apartments."<br/>
WHAT? Was he still right in the head? I had to process this entire first. Tom had said it like it was a good thing and then just turned around and continued working on some drawings.<br/>
"Tom," I tried again, but he didn't even turn to me. "Tom you do realise that if you let him have an apartment you won't earn anything from it, don't you?"<br/>
"I know that, but I think it's a fair deal."<br/>
"What's fair about it?" I jumped up and was about to shake him. "He’s going to rent out this apartment and make more money as what the labourers cost to build it!"<br/>
Tom looked at me. I could tell by his reaction that he was aware of that, too. I waited for an answer and asked again, until he answered in a tone as if I was a small child.<br/>
"He also gets us the wood!"<br/>
"So he earns twice!" I scolded.<br/>
"Sidney, really, you think I'm completely stupid!"<br/>
Now he had his authoritarian I-am-the-older-one-voice and he stood in front of me like when we were kids and he weighed more than twice as much as I did.<br/>
"He just told me the name, it's a friend of him, but not Howard himself!"<br/>
Now he laughed again as if it was the most absurd thing he had ever heard. I didn't know anything anymore and sat down again. I sorted through my thoughts and then tried to summarise everything again in a reasonable tone.<br/>
"So you took his investment and made the normal deal with him to pay him back?"<br/>
"Yeah, how many times do I have to tell you?" Tom was really pissed by now.<br/>
"And his workers help you finish the terraces, and as payment, he will get one of them later?"<br/>
"Yes, Sidney! What don't you understand about that?" it was just a rhetorical question, because he didn't expect an answer and bent down to his drawing.<br/>
"And for getting you the cheaper wood supplier he gets what?"<br/>
"An invitation to the ball."<br/>
"None of this makes any sense," I muttered, my brain was going into overdrive. </p><p>Was my brother really that stupid or blind or did Howard somehow have him over a barrel? Because the deal was only good for Howard, he would only need to pay his workers for a few more weeks until the terraces were finished, then he would own an apartment that he could rent out for the rest of his life for however much money. The timber supplier was only a friend, whom he had made just another customer in Tom's eyes - which would be nice if it wasn't Howard. Because the way I had come to know Howard, he was not someone who was simply nice to others. He was someone who did nothing without taking advantage of it. But what advantage would Howard have in building his apartment with bad material? There was not the slightest doubt in my mind that it was bad material, Stringer was an honest man! I should talk to him again and have him explain the dilemma to me in detail.<br/>
So there were only two possibilities. Howard knew nothing about it, was innocent in this matter. But would this supplier dare to make Howard angry? Probably not, if, as Mrs Harris had said, he would make people who let him down pay for it. So Howard knew about the material? What did Howard gain from having bad wood processed? It didn't make sense if he was just a simple investor, much less if he wanted to take over one of the flats and make money from it. Had I lost myself in this? I made one last attempt and gave in.</p><p>"Tom, let me take the letter to London. It will be quicker and I have to go back anyway."<br/>
Not only to confront Howard personally, but also to ask Crowe about him and any other sources I could tap. I needed to know more about him! Tom finally turned to me with a huge grin.<br/>
"My dear brother!" now I was the dear brother again, inwardly I was rolling my eyes.<br/>
"You would do that? Oh that's nice. When would you leave?"<br/>
"Tomorrow morning on horseback," I said, which was even quicker and if I could leave at dawn, I would be in London by afternoon.<br/>
"Thank you, Sidney!" Tom seemed genuinely relieved that it would go a little quicker like that. And in his face, there was no trace of displeasure or anger he was transformed. As if we hadn't just argued to death.</p><p> </p><p>That night I tossed and turned and thought about what Mr Stringer had said. He said all the timber had been defective. Brittle and even rotten in places. They only used the best of it and refused to use the rest, but of course he couldn't tell me what Howard's people had done. I was so tired and exhausted from the whole day that I couldn't sleep and even with a second brandy I couldn't get my brain to calm down. I had no idea what I should do to finally fall asleep and although my inner voice kept calling me a name, I refused to conjure up images of her on purpose. But yes, what can I say; I was too weak and couldn't resist imagining her face. Charlotte’s smile as if she wanted to cheer me up and then she stroked my cheek. No kiss or some other things I wasn’t allowed to think about, only her face and I felt myself smiling as I did this morning and in my head a made a more enjoyable list of questions.<br/>
What flowers did she like best? What games did she play other than chess? Would they bring their cook or should I get them one? How often could we invite them to Trafalgar’s house? What excuse could I invent to look for her tomorrow or the next day? Would it be too obvious? Should I slow down? Should I take it slow? Should I talk to her father first or just to her? Would she tell me in my face if she loathed me? Or how would she express herself? Would she continue to smile at me even if she rejected me? Would she even do it in her current situation? What words should I use to tell her that I did not want to take advantage of her situation?</p><p>And even though I fell asleep over these questions, I didn't know any more the next morning than I had the day before. All this information about the work at Sanditon, Howard and Mr Heywood was in my head and threatening to burst it. I knew I had to talk to someone and hoped that Crowe had time for me and maybe Babington too. I had briefly thought of going to Mr Heywood and asking him for advice, but on reflection it was not something you should talk to just anyone. Even though I trusted him, he was a client and her father. Not that the mess Tom was in would make him rule me out as a potential husband. Oooh! Did I really just think that? Oh damn. Husband? In meaning of getting married? Getting married. Getting married to Charlotte. Good lord! My heart was jumping as if it was already happen. Well, I shouldn't be so hasty! I should find out if she likes me at least a little, I really couldn't bear it if she didn't like me at all. God no, never! But would she say yes? This question weighed a million times heavier than all the others in my mind, but I really should take care of the other things first. </p><p>When I arrived in London, I rode straight to Howard's house to give him the letter, but a very old-looking servant, whom I had not met last time, took the letter tacitly and said only that Mr Howard was not in the house. After that I went to see Crowe, but he wasn't at home either, but I left a message asking him to get back to me. I didn't want to leave a message saying what it was about, just that it was important.<br/>
I rode to Bedford Place and hoped Mary didn't have any visitors, because I was so tired and worn out, physically and mentally, that I couldn't get through any more disturbances that would keep me away from a cup of tea in silence and a hot bath. I had to get fit again quickly and then go and see what I would find in Tom’s office about this whole mess and I had absolute no interest in dealing with some nice old acquaintance form my sister-in-law. As soon as I arrived, I asked the servant if Mary had a visitor and he said yes and asked if he should announce me, but I refused and asked him to let prepare a bath for me. I waited until he had left and then crept quietly up the stairs to see if Mary had locked the door and I could get into my room unseen. But luck was not on my side, because I could clearly hear Mary speaking, so I had at least to greet the visitor and only hoped that Mary would take pity on me or that she would exchange some secrets with one of her friends and let me go again soon.</p><p>I stopped at the top of the stairs, took a deep breath, listened to find out whom she was having tea with and froze when I recognised the voice.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. unexpected visitor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney is completely taken by the unexpected visitor...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>some of you guessed right.....</p>
<p>There is a lot of conversation, so I have separated it into several paragraphs</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Like a will-less moth to a flame, I was drawn to this voice and became aware that I was suddenly standing in the drawing room and had brazenly interrupted them.<br/>
"Oh, Sidney!" Mary exclaimed, smiling as far as I could see out of the corner of my eye, because I only had eyes for her visitor.<br/>
"Did you come on the horse?"<br/>
"Yes." I had found my voice again but it seemed hoarse and I tried to swallow the lump in my throat.<br/>
I pressed out her name, bowed slightly and realised that my heart was pounding so loud in my throat that I couldn't hear her answer but could only guess at the movement of her lips. What was she doing here? And why did she have to see me like this, worn out, sweaty and tired after the long ride?<br/>
"We didn't expect to see you." I heard Mary say and I just didn't want to believe that my girl was really sitting in front of me and suddenly the images from my dream flooded my mind and I shook my head, this was completely inappropriate! The heat rushed into my face and this was really the first time in many, many years! Surely she would see through me!<br/>
"I thought you were in Sanditon."<br/>
Man, her eyes were so beautiful I had to force myself to look away. As my gaze fell, I noticed her flushed cheeks and the hope rose in me that I was also making her a little nervous.<br/>
"Come and sit down and have a cup of tea with us," Mary asked and she pushed the chair and was already preparing a cup of tea for me.<br/>
"But no, I didn't want to disturb you." Sitting next to her, unwashed and ruffled from my journey, was something I didn't want to do, but on the other hand I couldn't just let the opportunity to talk to her slip away. I ran my hand over my chin and embarrassed I felt the stubble sprouting again. Shit, now I was sure I looked like a wild pirate.<br/>
"You don't." Mary said and I nodded to her as I took it as the answer to my last thought as well, and then sat down between the two of them and like an automatism, my eyes found their way back to Charlotte’s face. God, she was even more beautiful than I remembered, her gentle smile made me do the same, but as if something suddenly occurred to her, it faded and then she looked away.<br/>
"I wanted to leave soon anyway." Her voice was as clear and sweet as I remembered, but I didn't want her to leave.<br/>
"But no, please." I sought her gaze "I have news for you, for your father."<br/>
"Ah, well, that's just fine," Mary remarked cheerfully, suddenly standing up and looking back and forth between us for a moment before saying in a serious tone,<br/>
"I really need to check something, will you excuse me for a moment?" She looked at Charlotte and I saw her nod, so she had no problem being alone with me and damn it, I was glad about it, though I had forgotten everything I wanted to say or ask her.<br/>
Tea. Oh yes, tea. I took a sip. The silence stretched out and honestly my heart was hammering like crazy in my chest, I wondered if she noticed, I looked at her face and it was like when I was thinking of her, it calmed me.<br/>
"How is your father?" I asked and she said that he was fine when she left him but that he had insisted that she accepted Mary's invitation to tea.<br/>
"Good." I said and as she looked me I felt caught.<br/>
"What news do you have for me?"<br/>
"I've found an apartment for you right across the street from the doctor's house."<br/>
"Oh!" she exclaimed delighted and her hand brushed my right forearm for about half a second before she pulled it away, startled.<br/>
"I'm sorry..."<br/>
"No, it's all right."</p>
<p>Ha! Well, if she knew what that brief touch did to me, she would probably run away, but I felt better for a moment than I had in a long time. She was adorable, her face flushed and I saw her fingers trembling as she picked up her cup and nibbled on her tea. How exciting must it be for her to be alone with a man? I was supposed to cover it up and help us both get through this situation.<br/>
"I've told him what I know about your father, which isn't much, but the most important thing is that he knows you're coming and he'll take care of him."<br/>
"Thank you." our eyes lingered on each other for a moment until she looked away.<br/>
"He wants to see for himself."<br/>
"Oh, that's rare." she said and I had the feeling that she relaxed a little too.<br/>
"What do you mean?"<br/>
"Well, on our trips it was often the case that the doctors read the doctor's report beforehand and then made their diagnosis. Only one in France looked at Papa with an open mind," she waited a moment and then went on, "but he also made the same diagnosis."<br/>
Her face took on a terribly sad expression, and I would have liked to take her in my arms.<br/>
"Papa didn't want to admit it at first, but I know how to nag him with questions until he answers." a small sarcastic sigh escaped her and the urge to embrace her became stronger with every moment. I hoped that Mary would come back soon, because it had been almost two minutes.<br/>
"Why did you come back?" she asked, and did I hear a little tremor in her voice? I looked at her, but she seemed composed and had a neutral expression back on her face.<br/>
"Work." I gritted my teeth and stared at the table, at the moment the thoughts about Howard were only pulsating in the back of my mind, but in the front were all the questions I didn't dare ask her. I sighed I was a lost cause!<br/>
"Are you well, Mr Parker?"<br/>
Her voice was like a tender touch. What? How long had it been since someone had asked me that question? And as far as I could tell, with seriousness that I had no doubt she really wanted to know. Maybe she sensed my nervousness, my restlessness? My gaze snapped back to her.<br/>
"I barely know." I chuckled. What else could I say? That I was crazy for her and that I wanted to hold her in my arms, that I wanted to marry her but didn't know if she liked me even a little bit and that I was completely lost in my thoughts and all the crap with Tom.<br/>
"What is it?" She asked and I imagined she leaned a bit closer.<br/>
"Forgive me, I didn't mean to pry." She said and ran her tongue over her lips, but kept looking me in the eye. I was sure, she wasn't aware of what she was doing to me, I was about… no I was going crazy. She was so cute when she was embarrassed like that, but in this moment I would have like to just grab and kiss her. I clenched my jaw.<br/>
"It’s fine." I cleared my throat.<br/>
"I mean, after what you've done for me, I can do something for you by listening to you." she smiled again and I would have loved to shout, MARRY ME! But I was put down when she said with a wry smile.<br/>
"After all, that's what friends do."<br/>
I clenched my fists, it hurt… only a bit of course, but yes yes, just a bit… damn! That was my own fault, after all I had rejected her and she stuck to our agreement. Friends. If she knew that I was dreaming of her, that I wanted to be so much more...<br/>
"Right." I smiled and tried to not lose myself in my thoughts about how I could show her in the future that I didn’t want to be friends, but also I wanted the conversation to keep going.<br/>
"It’s about work." I looked at the door, where was Mary?<br/>
"I see," she grinned, "you can tell me. I can keep a secret."<br/>
And really, at that moment, I would have told her everything; all she had to do was ask what was going on in my heart and head. But I closed my eyes, took a breath and just gave her the facts.<br/>
"I think my brother is betrayed by a business partner, an investor but I have no proof."<br/>
"How?"<br/>
I considered my words carefully, then she did that thing with her head again, tilted it to the side and I stared at her neck and before I could get the wrong idea, I looked away explained it to her.<br/>
"I think he manipulated the construction, or more his team of workers."<br/>
"Maybe he wants the construction to be delayed," she said, her mouth slightly open, seeming to think about what she was saying.<br/>
"But that doesn't make sense, of course, since he's also profiting from his investment by getting it done." she said and I was impressed that she understood my dilemma.<br/>
"I also think that."<br/>
"Hmm, but maybe that's it.” her eyes flashed with an idea, but I had no idea what she meant.<br/>
"He’ll do anything so the work delayed, so they need more people who need to be paid and he's making money out of it somehow."<br/>
She shrugged and I didn't have the slightest clue what she was talking about, the pale freckles on her nose changed their shape as she curled her nose while she speculated, it distracted me from really listening to her. I had lost track of what we were talking about, because I could only watch her, fascinated as she came up with this theories. I was so glad that she could forget her worries about her father for a brief moment and became completely absorbed in the here and now.<br/>
"My aunt is like that.,” she suddenly declared. I nodded, on the one hand to tell her that I knew a bit about this woman and on the other hand to tell her that she could tell me more as well.<br/>
"She manipulates." she shook her head "it's not comparable, of course, but..." she paused, glanced at me, but probably decided to avoid the subject of marriage and explained it in other words.<br/>
"She drags things out on purpose, so that you don't have time to react and things turn out exactly as she had planned."<br/>
Her face got an impression as if she did not want to surrender so easily to her fate, even if it seemed so inevitable. And I wanted to grab her hand and tell her I had a solution, but just then Mary came back and I cursed her shitty timing, but Charlotte’s gaze on me brought my mouth to speak before I could think twice.<br/>
"Not this time."</p>
<p>She frowned, but then Mary seized her attention and gave her a small book.<br/>
"Here the book I told you from."<br/>
"Thank you Mary."<br/>
I looked at Mary, but she avoided my gaze. She had picked up a book from somewhere in the house, a small booklet about Sanditon and its history to be exact. But she didn't have to walk that far, for there were countless copies in the cupboard next to the door. Tom had been persuaded by a printer a few years ago to give such a book to the visitors of Sanditon, but since only a few had shown interest, the books lay unread in the cupboard, and Mary knew about it, she complained about the space they took away at least once a month.<br/>
What did that mean? Had she noticed something? I looked at Charlotte, who was excitedly flipping through the booklet, and then asked Mary when she was going to Sanditon with the children.<br/>
"When are you coming to Sanditon?" I asked, as the women were about to bring Charlotte's visit to an end. My heart began to beat louder again.<br/>
"I need to know the date because of the booking," I explained unnecessarily.<br/>
"I'll ask Papa and I'm sure he'll let you know."<br/>
"Of course."<br/>
"How long will you be here?"<br/>
"I think two days." I knew I had to talk to Crowe and Babs and maybe Mrs Harris again.<br/>
"All right, goodbye Mr Parker." She curtsied.<br/>
"Give my regards to Mr Heywood, please." I bowed and looked after her as she and Mary left the room and I had to sit down for a moment to reflect on her unexpected visit.</p>
<p>"She's such a lovely young lady." Mary explained as she came back into the room, an expression on her face that I couldn't quite interpret and didn't want to, in my head I was already analysing every single one of Charlotte’s.<br/>
"She is very well read, interested and extremely nice." Yes that's my girl! And I grinned at the thought.<br/>
"Sidney?"<br/>
"Yes, Mary?" I put on my poker face immediately, but I knew Mary knew something.<br/>
"You like her, don't you?"<br/>
Damn. I didn’t say anything, didn’t smile just looked at my cup of tea.<br/>
"You seemed very familiar," she remarked cautiously.<br/>
"We are friends." I smiled my business smile because those were Charlotte's words that brought me back down to earth.<br/>
"Sidney..." Mary's look appeared worried, but I pretended nothing was wrong.<br/>
Then our servant came in and told me my bath was ready, but I stayed and finished my tea. I wondered if I should tell Mary, but even though I trusted her, I didn't know if she would tell Tom before there was anything to tell, and he would make it worse and keep telling me what a good catch Charlotte was, although I couldn't care less. I would love her even if she were a farmer's daughter who only had her knowledge out of books. My thoughts whirled around like crazy when Mary went to the door; there she turned back to me and said.<br/>
"Don’t wait to long."<br/>
And I had no idea whether she meant my bath or Charlotte.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. back in Sanditon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney is back in Sanditon and is preparing for the arrival of Charlotte and her father....</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys, looking forward to hear from you and your thoughts.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two days later, as I was riding my horse back to Sanditon, I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't pay attention to a dip as I should have and my horse stumbled and I almost fell off. I must admit, I deserved to be thrown down, as inattentive as I was. I climbed down and let him graze for a while and leaned against a tree to recover from the small shock and also to continue thinking about how everything was more confusing than before.</p>
<p>So, after my bath in the cooled bathwater after Charlotte's visit, I met up with Crowe and we had dinner in one of the clubs. The interesting thing was that he found Howard, although a little unkempt, to be a rather inconspicuous man. Francis knew him from a few years earlier when he had stayed at one of his hotels while his house was being renovated. Of course I remembered that, I had been in Antigua and only found out about it much later, but I was surprised that Crowe was staying in a hotel instead with friends. But it was also his way of getting on his unloved father's nerves. Anyway, he described Howard very differently from how I had met him and it seemed to me that we were talking about two completely different people, he seemed to him reserved and what was even more surprising, friendly. I wondered if it was because Francis was a lord, but I remembered that Tom seemed also to have a different impression than I did. I wondered if it was me, I mean not my looks, he didn't seem to care, otherwise he would have said something to me about it. I was also aware that if he had been even minimally informed about us Parkers, and every business man would do it before he was getting involved with one – except Tom of course, Howard would have known that I was superior to my brothers in terms of money. My warehouse and my customers spoke for me, even my employees, for I paid them well and treated them fairly. So it had to be something else… since Babington, who had joined us later, had a similar image of Howard, even though he knew him even less, it was clear to me that there had to be a system behind it. <br/>I had spent half the night thinking about it, also to block out thoughts of Charlotte, I knew what I had to do in her case and I wanted to avoid having naughty dreams about her again, but desperate not thinking about her and thinking about Howard dragged me into a restless sleep and the first time in, I don’t know weeks? I had an awful nightmare about the ship and the storm that had almost killed me, and it was even more horrible than I had experienced before. </p>
<p>I had sought Charlotte across the ship but couldn't find her, I shouted her name as I ran over the deck in the roar of the storm and was crazy with worry. I couldn't believe she had gone overboard because I felt her presence as if she was very close to me, but every time I turned around there was nothing but black emptiness or a house-sized wave that threw me to the ground and tried to pull me into the sea. Then it was as if I felt her hand on my arm just as short as in the afternoon, but before I could reach for it she had disappeared. I kept calling her name and shouting other things, like that she should come towards me, that I needed her help to save her. Then finally she answered in a low voice and I was so relieved that I ran blinded by the rain and the gloomy night towards her voice. A solid blow to the chest that forced all the air out of my lungs sent me crashing to the ground, it was not a wave but something solid. I opened my eyes and saw Howard towering over me with a nasty grin, behind him and around us the storm was raging and I could only make out the shouts of the sailors and the breaking of the mast as I desperately shouted my feelings to Charlotte. The mast came crashing down on me, but instead of pain, I only felt a light pressure on my body, a little heavier on my chest, but it was a pleasant weight. I opened my eyes and was so happy to see Charlotte's face, she was smiling down at me, I realised that the weight was her lying on top of me and I embraced her with both arms. One of her hands was stroking my head and ruffling my hair, while caressing my face with the other.<br/>"I'm so glad you came with me." She told me and I wanted to ask where we were, but I had lost my voice. <br/>"At last I can show you my home, my land." she had leaned down and kissed me, first slowly almost careful and then she became more and more confident, almost wild and demanding, I grabbed her hair and pressed her harder on me and she pushed her hips to me, until I was so aroused and desperate for her that I rolled us over and lay on top of her, or should have, because she had disappeared.<br/>Honestly, this was so much more horrible than any vivid dream of the storm and the fear of death. The loss I felt at that moment distorted me and made me miserably desperate. I had slowly woken up and knew what this dream meant, I had to do something or I would lose her before we even had a chance to find each other… I mean before I had a chance to find her, to explain me to her… Ah you know what I mean!</p>
<p>I had been sitting at breakfast in a bad mood and grumpy and Mary had ordered me the hangover brew, even though I hadn't had one. I hadn't drunk too much or eaten too much, I was just unrested. Mary asked me if I was in pain and her worried voice made me ask her about Howard to change the topic, I didn't want to show her that I was thinking about Charlotte. But Mary didn't know Howard personally or by name, but that wasn't unusual because Tom didn't talk to her about it unless it was an extraordinary sum that an investor entrusted to him, that wasn't the case here or Tom hadn't told her for another reason. After that we had been silent until she casually remarked.<br/>"I've invited the Heywood’s to dinner."<br/>"When?" my heart, which had been lethargic a moment ago, almost jumped out of my chest, and I sat up abruptly.<br/>"Well, when we're all in Sanditon." she sipped her tea, but I saw the slight grin. <br/>"The first or second day, depending on how her father feels."<br/>"You know about that?" I was a little surprised.<br/>"Only that he's not quite well." I knew she knew I knew more about it, but of course she was too polite to ask further, besides she seemed desperate to tell me something else.<br/>"Sidney..."<br/>"Hmm?" I tried to put a neutral expression on my face, she put down her cup and looked at me but I tried do not look up.<br/>"I don't know what it is, but Charlotte also seems like she has some heartache and… deserves some happiness."<br/>Now I looked at Mary, but I was determined not to tell her what Charlotte's troubles were, I didn't want Tom to know that her father was ill... wait, what? Heartache? Heart... In terms of love?<br/>"What did she tell you?" What had she told Mary? What, what? Was she lovesick? Who was she lovesick for? Did I know this guy? Who was he? Why didn't I know about him? Where did she meet him? My heart clenched.<br/>"Nothing at all," Mary admitted, shrugging "I can tell by the look on her face... well, anyway, I think if you want to be a very good friend, maybe you should be a little more… open with her."<br/>Why did she say that? What did she know? More open? Explaining myself to her without me knowing how she might feel about me? If she felt anything at all… Yes I knew but I needed some proof only a little sign.<br/>"What do you mean?" I felt my pulse quicken, did it mean... did she know something? Could I dare to hope? Mary seemed to be searching for the right words, and then she told me her suspicions.<br/>"The way she reacted, I think she might like someone, but... I don't know, maybe it's something else."<br/>"Mary, just say it!" I demanded I hated these half-answers. <br/>"I don't know she got this special look when I asked her if she was looking forward to the Sanditon balls and she said she likes to dance.... Anyway, I said something like, I'm sure there will be lots of young men vying for her attention to dance with her, and Charlotte said..." Mary looked at me piercingly, only then she continued, "I would love to dance with just the one."<br/>Ooh damn shit, what? Did she mean… me? No, that… couldn’t be! What was I supposed to do with this information? Maybe she meant the one she would marry, the one she could love, and the one she didn’t know yet. She didn’t mean me, no way.. Or perhaps she did? I was dazed.<br/>"Sidney," I could hear in her voice that Mary was worried. "If you like her, you have to show her somehow."<br/>I looked at her and her face turned into an encouraging smile. <br/>"When the right one comes along..." first she left the sentence unfinished and I gritted my teeth at her words, nodded and asked.<br/>"When the right one… what?" My voice sounded so strange.<br/>"Then you just want to dance with him." She nodded as if she wanted to be sure I got it.<br/>"Maybe she is just looking forward to met him there." I doubted she meant me, she couldn't mean me, did she mean me? I wanted to know! My heart jumped and clenched on a rotating basis.<br/>"To me it seemed more like she already knew him and how it felt to dance with him."<br/>"Mary!" <br/>I didn't want to get my hopes up too high, in case she had misunderstood something, or Charlotte was just hoping to meet HIM there, her future husband, so that the spook about the planned marriage with her cousin, who wasn't really her cousin, her adopted great cousin… whatever, would end.<br/>"I know, Sidney." lightly she patted my shoulder, which her husband liked to squeeze. "I know you’re trying to protect yourself from being hurt again." <br/>Why did she know me so good? Mary was more my sister as Tom my brother.<br/>"But I know two things for sure." I looked Mary in the eyes "First Charlotte is not Eliza," <br/>I took a deep breath I knew that! Of course I knew that!<br/>"Second, sometimes you have to take a risk to find happiness."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Well, as soon as I had replayed the whole thing in my head, I had to smile, what am I saying, grin, that was pretty stupid, but I know... If Mary were right, then I wouldn't have to worry, everything would be fine. I got back on my horse and spurred him on, and since we had both rested a bit and gathered new strength, we made the rest of the way without an accident and faster than expected. And as soon as I had arrived in Sanditon and handed in my horse, I went straight to the doctor and told him that the Heywood’s would be arriving the day after tomorrow and that he should definitely keep the evening free, even if he might not see him after all. <br/>"It is very nice that you are so concerned about your friend," he told me and assured me he would not leave his house. I was really grateful and hoped that he could help Mr Heywood, whom I unfortunately had not met in London, but whose short message was in my chest pocket as if it were a letter from his daughter. He hadn't mentioned her by name, but just the idea that I would soon be walking with her in the streets I had just been walking alone made me almost exuberantly happy. I then went to the Heywood’s' caretaker, told him when everything should be ready and that the Heywood’s were bringing their cook and the master's servant. So he knew what to do and we arranged to meet on the morning of the day of their arrival to check that everything was in order, and so I could bring the flowers I had planned to bring her everyday. <br/>With a smile on my face I went to Trafalgar House and was looking forward to an almost silent evening, though I had to share it with Tom and his plans and his nonsense, but was pleasantly surprised as I was greeted by my brother Arthur and our sister Diana. They embraced me as if we haven’t seen each other for years before I realised that it was more than two months. <br/>"How was Bath?" I asked, because that was their last stop on their annual health tour, which Tom didn't like at all, of course, because he would have preferred to see the two of them only in Sanditon all the time. Diana always told him in a slightly accusatory tone that he could hardly ask her to stay in Sanditon the whole year with her delicate constitution in times of autumn and winter storms, instead of enjoying the more pleasant and warmer country air with friends, far away from the cold coast. The best part, however, was Arthur's comment whenever Tom reacted with jealousy to Bath. He would then say in his typical childish naïve tone: <br/>"Tom, if you suddenly find natural hot springs in Sanditon or the surrounding area, I'll only treat my rheumatism here." <br/>And when Tom had a good or successful day, instead of an unkind reply he would say something like:<br/>"I've been looking for it for years, I'll find one for you one day, my dear brother."<br/>Performed in a serious way, even though everyone knew that this statement was just as much nonsense as the rheumatism story. Apparently Tom had been particularly cheerful or successful that day, because he went on and announced with an extravagant gesture: <br/>"If I don't find one, I'll build one for you!"<br/>Everyone laughed, but when my eyes met Tom's, I saw those little wheels in his head start to turn at this incredible speed and I knew an idea began to form. He ran to his drawing table, took out a huge sketchbook, why take a small one when you can take a huge one? And scribbled all over it. In those moments, you should never speak to him and pull him out of his frenzy of creativity, as he called it, and if you cared about your life, you wouldn’t. Nothing was worse than an angry Tom who, in a matter of seconds, forgot everything that had just appeared like a detailed painting in his head. This was completely alien to me, when I imagined something in all its details; I still knew it days later, even if I hadn't thought about it in the meantime. That's why I knew exactly how many little wrinkles formed around Charlotte's eyes when she smiled and how the sparkles of the sun created a special glimmer on her skin. <br/>But back to Tom, after all these years, the rest of us knew that we had to continue talking quietly so as not to disturb him, and at some point we got into the habit of simply moving into the dining room, because as adults we didn't want to be told by him that we had to be quiet, like little children. It was a pleasant distraction to be filled with my two siblings' imagined diseases and aches and pains. I didn't even think a single thought about Howard during the whole time, but I did think about Charlotte, who was always on my mind, and of course about her father, who was really ill, unlike my hypochondriac siblings. But I tried to stay positive and looked forward to their arrival and even though I had no knowledge of medicine, I had a very good feeling about Dr Fuchs. I also made up my mind that the next day I would only take care of the important things and only visit the workers for a short time. I wanted to prepare everything for my courtship, so that I would become the ONE Charlotte had spoken of to Mary. I really hoped she was right. Maybe I should talk to her again when she and the children arrived, not what she thought about Charlotte, but whether she could find out what Charlotte likes so that I could surprise her with it. <br/>I was really hopeful and my mood stayed that way the whole next day. I visited Stringer and his men at the terraces' construction site, they had done a lot in the few days I was away and were already installing the windows in some places. Howard's workers were also almost finished with the promenade and their foreman even greeted me silently with tapping the brim of his hat. Howard seemed to agree with the decision and had answered faster than I had thought. Maybe I had got carried away with my suspicions? Charlotte's theory that he was deliberately dragging out the construction didn't seem to fit either and yet I couldn't quite shake the feeling off that I was missing something. It was like the gathering clouds on the horizon that were far away and unseen and yet, if you grew up on the coast, you knew that the weather could change within a few seconds. <br/>I saved the thought for later and visited the florist to discuss what I wanted, hoping that everyone would not immediately see through my intentions. After Mary arrived in the afternoon, Arthur and Diana took care of the children and I took care of the reservations for the rooms for my friends at the hotel, while Mary spoke to the caretaker about her recommendations for the maid for Charlotte. Once again, Tom was oblivious to all of this, he was holed up in his study, frantically sketching a Roman bath, and inwardly I groaned at the wasted time, for it was a more expensive undertaking than the observation tower he had dreamed of for years. But I didn't care about that in this moment. </p>
<p>On the day of her arrival… I mean the arrival of the Heywood’s, I took the rest of the things to their residence, and everything was prepared to my complete satisfaction. The room I had imagined for Charlotte was decorated with a small bouquet of blue cornflowers. I didn't know if they had any meaning, I had chosen them because I thought they would suit Charlotte without revealing my feelings too obviously or seeming too intrusive. I put the small prospect of trips to the surrounding area in the living room, where I also put the chess set, put a few books on the almost empty bookshelf, which I had kept in the suitcase under my bed at home in London. I really hoped that she would read them and then ask me about it, so that we would have even more reasons to talk and get to know each other. When it was time for her arrival, I mean their arrival, I stood at the window of my room and looked at the street with a beating heart. I saw their carriage drive up and hurried out of the house, ignoring the questioning calls of my siblings and hurried into the street of her accommodation. My heart was hammering in my chest with excitement and I was so happy when I was allowed to help her out of the carriage. Her hand was warm and fitted so perfectly in mine that I was reluctant to let go of it, but luckily I could rely on Charlotte and her knowledge of what was right. She probably hadn't even noticed my nervousness, I could tell she was worried about her father, even though Mr Heywood assured me he would only have to rest for half an hour before joining us for dinner later. I wanted to leave them alone so that they could settle and walked back home with a lively step.<br/>Nothing could change my good and hopeful mood and I was so happy to be able to introduce my whole family to them that I almost didn't notice the noble carriage coming down the hill. It was neither Babington's nor Crowe's carriage, who didn't want to come until the weekend anyway. I wondered briefly who else would be arriving today, and perhaps it would have been better to ask Tom, but I put off that task until the next day, convinced that I didn't have to worry about everything and everyone.</p>
<p>Later, I wished I had.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. recurrence</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney is finally about to say something, but... you know.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the delay, but weekends belong to my family... Sorry, sorry.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I almost couldn't take my eyes off her during dinner. Charlotte was just… so gorgeous. Not only was she looking lovely in her pale pink dress and her eyes sparkled in the glow of the candles on the table, but she also seemed more relaxed and that made her even more beautiful. She sat between my sister and Mary and talked to them, but also answered all the children's questions they asked her. I saw how my nieces and nephew immediately fell for her. Unfortunately I couldn't talk much to her because I was sitting at the other end of the table and it was mainly Tom who dominated the conversation with his plans for Sanditon. Mr Heywood was friendly and even asked questions about the project and talked to Arthur, he seemed to be doing well as he said he was and every now and then I caught him watching me. He had certainly noticed that I was staring at his daughter, but he didn't let me know whether he thought it was good or bad.<br/>By the end of the evening, no one thought it strange that I accompanied my friends to their home and I was glad to have them, and especially Charlotte, to myself for a moment. Her father even gave us a little moment alone, pretending to admire the roofs of the houses we passed.<br/>"Mr Parker." <br/>It was the first time she had addressed me directly and honestly people - my heart seemed to vibrate! I looked down at her and smiled, whatever she was going to say I would show her I liked her and definitely agree with her, but she didn't seem to want to say anything else or had forgotten at short notice, because when our eyes met, she didn't say anything. Then she frowned, looked away as if she tried to remember what she wanted to say. <br/>"Hmm, thank you for the accommodation, it’s really lovely." Then she nodded at me and walked ahead and I only recognised Mr Heywood was walking next to me as he spoke to me.<br/>"Why don't you come by tomorrow morning, maybe around nine o'clock, and you can show us around?" <br/>He didn't look at me but at his daughter, who went into the house, but I saw him smile a bit and my heart, ooh yes my heart jumped by the thought that he wanted to hep me. I thanked him and assured him to be there. I stopped at the door and looked at Charlotte, who had already taken off her coat and was looking back and forth between her father and me expectantly. <br/>"Have a good night, Miss Heywood." I bowed and maybe it was the sparse light in the hallway or my imagination running away with me, but I imagined she lost a little of the smile's radiance. Unfortunately she lowered her eyes as she curtsied, so I couldn’t be sure or take another look.<br/>"You, too, Mr Parker." <br/>After saying goodbye to her father, I went back to Trafalgar House, turning back more than once towards her house… I mean their house, though I knew that her room faced the other side, I imagined I was being watched and in my head I formed a few conversations I could have with her before I would tell her, what I wanted to do.</p>
<p>I slept better that night and even though I couldn't remember any details I knew it must have been quite a pleasant dream, not only did I feel my face turned into a grin as I woke up, but also... well, how shall I put it... the proof that I had a sensual dream was not to be missed, and I didn’t mean my pulsating heart more the… hmm äääh, yes the pulsating proof between my legs. I know, I know it's really inappropriate and shouldn't happen, but I couldn't control what happened in my dreams. I felt ashamed and embarrassed; well not so embarrassed, I mean she didn't know, but yeah anyway…</p>
<p>I got up for breakfast and got ready to be at their place at nine o'clock. I thought punctuality was a must, especially for important appointments and was a little surprised when Mr Heywood's servant looked at me as if he hadn't expected me. Without a word, he led me into the living room, where the things I had carried there were still lying in place, except for the book about Antigua, which was lying open on the table in front of the sofa.<br/>"Mr Parker."<br/>Charlotte's voice was breathless and, oh man THIS was embarrassing, it did something to me… really it tickled through my body and I could only bow silently and hope I didn't mess up.<br/>"I wasn't expecting you." She said then and although she seemed restless, the look into her beautiful fresh face somehow reassured me.<br/>"Your father told me to come at nine."<br/>She pursed her mouth, puffed and averted her eyes, then nodded, pointed to one of the chairs and asked me to sit down. I sat down and looked at her, there was a strange atmosphere between us. <br/>"Papa is with Dr Fuchs and the doctor said it will probably be about an hour before he comes back." All right, so Mr Heywood wanted me to meet her here alone? So he was on my side, could that really be? I pursed my mouth to keep from smiling, he knew and I was so glad he did! <br/>"I can come back later," I offered, "maybe he got the time wrong."<br/>"No." She answered in a stern tone. <br/>I looked at her and noticed tears in her eyes before she turned away and went to the window to look out at the street. Why, what was wrong?<br/>"He's been gone more than an hour and a half and he's not coming back." <br/>Now I got it! She wasn't mad because I was there, or as I thought her father had a little plan to leave us alone, she was upset full of worry about him. I stood up and took a few steps towards her, I saw her head twitch in my direction, but she didn't turn around.<br/>"We can go and ask." I offered.<br/>"The doctor told me not to come, he wants to talk to Papa alone, undisturbed." Her voice trembled "I was always there, always. And now I’m standing here a few feet away and don't know what's happening over there." <br/>Oh her voice did things to me, my heart ached for her. I didn't know what to say other than what I thought. <br/>"From what I know of Dr Fuchs, he wants to make up his own mind, he has new examination methods and maybe it will just take a bit longer as he thought. If anything had happened, you would know."<br/>She turned around and looked at me with those eyes. Big and dark. Damn, I wanted to hug her; I felt I had to do it right away, and took another step towards her.<br/>"You're probably right." she grinned shyly, "I’m sorry I..."<br/>"No, it's fine. Please, you can tell me how you feel anytime." <br/>I had said it without really thinking and yet I meant it and she smiled gratefully and pointed to the chair where I was sitting before and she sat down on an armchair furthest away from me; she still seemed tense but a little less stressed.<br/>"Thank you." She nodded and then seemed to think about what she should do with me now.<br/>"I'm so sorry for everything you're going through." I said and hoped she would take it as I meant it and was not hurt in some way about my words. Charlotte looked me in the face and seemed so vulnerable at that moment that I involuntarily slid forward in my seat, even though she was sitting too far away for me to touch her, I would have liked to squeeze her hand.<br/>"With your father... and your mother." <br/>Oh shit! Why did I say that? Oh crap, crap, that was not a topic to start with! That was not a good introduction to explain my feelings to her; I'm a complete idiot! I scolded myself for being so stupid that I reminded her of death and loss all the more! Shit, shit!<br/>"You know this grief too." Charlotte simply said and there was no complaint in her voice, it was just a statement. I nodded at her and our eyes locked for another moment until she lowered her gaze and I swallowed the lump in my throat. Now. Now do it, do it! I screamed in my head.<br/>"Miss Heywood...I wanted..." Just say it!<br/>"Tea, yes!" She shouted, jumped up and ran out of the room without seeming to hear me.<br/>I didn't blame her, the worry about her father and the subject I had foolishly brought up and this tension between us was almost unbearable. No, not tension like tension between us, I meant more her shyness about being alone with a man. It wasn't proper either and it was quite clear that made her react so strongly. It wasn't me, well I hoped it was me, but I was almost sure it wasn't me, or could it be she was nervous to be alone with me? Me? Was it good or...? I should go yes yes I should go. I got up to say goodbye before she would come back into the room, but instead I heard something at the door and her father's voice. A moment later he came into the living room, he looked tired, but seemed to be pleased to see me. I saw him put an envelope in the pocket of his coat as he greeted me.<br/>"Sorry to keep you waiting."<br/>I assured him it was all right and was pleased that he seemed to be doing well, I didn't know if I was allowed to ask what the doctor had said, so I tried to ask a harmless question.<br/>"Are you content with Dr Fuchs?"<br/>"Yes, very." He smiled but didn't look me in the eye. <br/>A cold shiver ran through me and I wanted to know right away what was going on, but Charlotte came back and greeted her father more cheerfully than she really was. She held it together as much as she could and I wanted so much to be by her side so she wouldn't have to carry the burden alone.<br/>"What did he say?"<br/>"Oh, we'll discuss the details later." Mr Heywood smiled.<br/>"I just ordered some tea..." She told him, but he interrupted her.<br/>"Oh what tea, let's go to the beach right now, I want to finally enjoy the fresh sea breeze." Mr Heywood indicated and although Charlotte frowned, she didn't insist on the tea but went to get her coat. He looked after her and then took a step towards me.<br/>"We should be indoors as little as possible."<br/>"Yes, the weather can change at any time." I remarked, I wondered about his restlessness, I had thought he would have been glad for the tea to rest a while after the long time at the doctor's and to tell Charlotte everything, I almost felt as if he was fleeing the house.<br/>"We should just go." He said and I saw him also put on a mask as Charlotte returned and the three of us left the house shortly afterwards.</p>
<p>On the way down over the almost completed promenade to the sea, I watched Mr Heywood who kept turning around as if he wanted to admire the facades of the houses or take a closer look at one of the shop windows. I looked worriedly at Charlotte, hoping that somehow she hadn't noticed the strange behaviour of her father, but of course she had. She then took her father’s arm and asked him something I didn't understand, but he just shook his head and then asked me about the bathing machines that lined the beach on the right-hand side. Luckily Tom's children came running towards us as they were on their morning walk on the beach with Mary and Mr Heywood sent Charlotte to greet Mary and the children. <br/>"Please forgive me if I'm a little strange," Mr Heywood said to me when Charlotte was out of earshot, "but there's so much new knowledge."<br/>"Only good I hope." I smiled down at him and he stopped for a moment to look at me. <br/>His gaze hurt my chest and froze all my bones. No, no, no! I screamed in my head. Please don't, why, what was wrong with him?<br/>"There is a few things I can change to prolong my life, but Dr Fuchs doesn't have a cure either." <br/>He looked at Charlotte taking my little nephew from Mary who had his arms outstretched towards her and I knew what Mr Heywood was thinking. He would never meet her children and I felt tears prick my eyes.<br/>"When are you going to tell her?" was all I asked, my voice choked.<br/>"When we've chased the vultures away."<br/>I looked at him and didn't know what to think by this statement.<br/>"I received a message that my aunt and her son arrived in Sanditon yesterday." He groaned.<br/>Oh no, the noble carriage!<br/>"I must say, it almost hit me when I read the message earlier." <br/>Oh damn! If I had asked Tom, I could have told him last night and he could have been prepared.<br/>"I'm sorry."<br/>"It's alright my son," he patted my arm, "I'll try to pretend everything is fine so Charlotte doesn't feel obligated to be nice to him or to anyone else, who doesn’t deserve her. I don't want that for her."<br/>These words were not meant for me, as he muttered them to himself as he walked towards her and my relatives. I looked after him and sought Charlotte's gaze, but she seemed a little distant, probably worried about her father, sensing that something was wrong.</p>
<p>We walked along the sea and I tried to catch up with her, but I almost felt like she was avoiding me, only when we took the sandy path back into town, did she walk beside me again.<br/>"Mr Parker, can I have a word?" she slowed her pace, looked at me briefly and then we walked after the others, this was my opportunity.<br/>"Miss Heywood, I was about to...."<br/>"Mary told me that the flowers this morning weren't from her, but from you." <br/>Ooh, I hadn't expected that, but well. <br/>"Yes they were." My heart began to thump.<br/>"Thanks for that." She smiled shyly and if the others hadn't been there I would have liked to move closer.<br/>"But you didn't have to." <br/>"I just wanted you to feel comfortable." My voice had taken on a rough undertone, damn I wanted to take her hand, honestly I wanted a lot more, but her hand would do for now.<br/>"I do." She let her eyes wander briefly to her father who had stopped and was talking to Mary. Charlotte’s cheeks were red and I thought this was my chance to announce it.<br/>"I'd like to bring you fresh flowers every day." I said so quickly that I was afraid she hadn't heard.<br/>"Please, Mr Parker," she looked me in the eye for a moment and then at an invisible spot next to me. <br/>"Please don't do that anymore."<br/>What? Oh shit. But why? Oh sure, she had rejected me! Yes, shit, shit. I knew it. She didn't want my flowers. She didn't want me! The air was squeezed out of my lungs, like in the dream when Howard had knocked me over. Helpless, I lay on the floor.<br/>"I... I don't want people talking or expecting something that doesn't happen."<br/>She stared at her father and I thought I understood, yes her father wanted our connection, but she, well she didn't want me. <br/>"I see." I clenched my jaw, it hurt so much I thought I was going to collapse, I could hardly breathe.<br/>"I know you're just trying to be nice, being a friend, and I really thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart." Her voice had the same sound as earlier in her salon.<br/>"But I think... since I have to find a husband, it would be better if no one else gave me flowers." Our eyes met for a very small moment and then she just walked away.<br/>I looked after her. Strange, it had almost sounded as if she was regretting her words. Slowly I went after her to the others and my niece Alicia pulled Charlotte along by the hand and the children and the women disappeared into Trafalgar house. <br/>"Your sister-in-law invited us to tea, but I'm afraid I had to cancel because someone else is waiting for us." Mr Heywood pointed down the street where his house was and I recognised the noble carriage from the day before.<br/>"Mr Heywood, I'd really like to talk to you about something." I said, having to get it off my chest, I really felt like I was suffocating under the weight pressing down on my ribcage, I needed his insight, I needed to know if I was imagining all this things or if Charlotte really didn’t like me.<br/>"About what?" he looked at me with a furrowed brow.<br/>My brain was screaming to tell him, right here and now, but I saw the aunt getting out of the carriage and waving impatiently at him.<br/>"About your daughter."<br/>I saw a little twitch in his eye and his brow wrinkled, I saw the question on his face. I couldn't tell him right away, because Charlotte came towards us. Even before she reached us, he stopped her and just said.<br/>"My aunt is here."<br/>I saw Charlotte freeze and I wasn’t about the chilly breeze which announced a change in the weather. She looked at her father, her gaze flitting briefly to me, then back to their house. <br/>"Is he there too?" <br/>"I'm sure he is." They both turned to the aunt and Mr Heywood signalled her they were on their way. <br/>"Mr Parker, I'll see you later then." He looked me seriously in the eyes and nodded. <br/>We said goodbye and then I saw the two of them go to his waiting aunt, who already seemed to be completely annoyed and let her eyes wander disapprovingly over Charlotte and then seemed to find fault with her hair, because she pushed it off her shoulder. Then she said something to the one who was still sitting in the carriage and I saw Charlotte got tense and stepped a step back. At the same moment as the carriage door opened and I saw the leg of the adopted son, a voice whispered in my ear from behind me.</p>
<p>"That's a really cute little thing."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. it wasn't planned that way</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Emotions are running high and Sidney? He will be happy and silly.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I really hope you like this chapter like I do!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I turned around in a flash.<br/>
"Don't talk about her like that."<br/>
"Oh, sorry, are you entitled to her?" he asked and I had to clench my fists to keep from grabbing him. I looked back at the Heywood's house, all four of them had disappeared inside and I was angry that I hadn't seen the bastard, who made Charlotte feel uncomfortable.<br/>
"What are you doing here, Howard?" I grumbled as I turned back to him.<br/>
"What do you think, I’m on holiday in the place invest my money in."<br/>
"And let your workers manipulate the construction?"<br/>
I was so in a rage from Charlotte's words, worries about her and yes, also jealousy and I couldn't stand this guy now. He looked at me surprised and raised his hands as if I had just pointed a gun at him.<br/>
"What are you talking about?" he grinned his nasty grin, then changed it into a sweet smile and greeted Mrs Smith, the greengrocer's wife, so charmingly that I couldn't believe my eyes, but the old woman was blushing!<br/>
"Tell me what you're up to." I grumbled.<br/>
"I was just about to visit your brother, he sent me a letter with a great suggestion that our two teams can join forces."<br/>
"They already do." I wanted to beat him, I just wanted to beat him or anyone, but most of all him, right now. He had called her little thing, for that alone I would like to slap him.<br/>
"Good, that's what we all want," he said, patting me on the back as if we were old friends, I shook his hand off.<br/>
"Work quickly, save money and then welcome lots of tourists in a few weeks."<br/>
I knew he wanted the exact opposite, I didn't know why or what he was up to, but I knew he would bring disaster, I just KNEW it! Those two faces of his definitely explained why Crowe and Babington saw him so differently from me. I clenched my jaw, I had to hold back, but I was about to burst, I had a bad feeling that he was in the near of Charlotte and my family. Before we stepped into Trafalgar House I told him.<br/>
"I’ll keep an eye on you." And my voice was dark and sounded dangerous, he looked back at me and narrowed his eyes.<br/>
"Now I’m scared.” He said as if I had talked about the weather, then he grinned slyly.<br/>
"Don’t get on my nerves, Parker." He stepped into the house, "I won’t let you ruin my business."<br/>
These words only confirmed that he was up to something, I just couldn't make sense of it and was also too upset by Charlotte's rejection, which perhaps wasn't a rejection at all. I urgently needed to talk to her and get permission from her father beforehand. I wanted to do everything right, she shouldn't doubt for a moment that I wanted her and not her money.<br/>
Tom greeted Howard as if they were old friends and to Mary Mr Howard was a charming guest who complimented her one by one without being too ingratiating. I watched him but it really was as if he was a completely different person. I wondered if I had misjudged him for some reason but remembered exactly his caustic manner, the little smacks in my face, the frightened maid. In this moment in Tom’s study Howard was full of enthusiasm for Tom's latest designs and wanted to be shown around. I was so tense that Mary even asked me to stay at home and relax, she had to go again anyway, as Jennifer had left her doll in one of the dunes. The fact that they all left was good on the one hand, but on the other hand it didn't help me to calm down. I paced back and forth in my room, staring out the window. I wanted to make sure I wouldn't miss the moment when that aunt and her son left and I could go to the Heywood’s. I had to get it out of my chest or I would burst!</p>
<p>After half an hour, I walked out of the house and stared down the street at Charlotte’s house. The carriage was gone and instead of being nervous to finally do it, I became quite calm. My heart was hammering loudly in my chest, though but it was a certainty that settled over me. I didn’t know how to explain it, but I knew I would learn the truth in a few moments. As I took the next step, I realised I had forgotten my hat. It wasn't necessary for the short walk, but as it had started to drizzle a little I suddenly had an image of myself standing in front of her, completely soaked and unable again to tell her what I felt. Oh, man, my imagination was playing tricks on me but I shook off the thought with a laugh as the door of the Heywood’s residence opened and Dr Fuchs stepped out of the house. Immediately my heart beat twice as fast and my steps quickened, too. What had happened? Apparently Dr Fuchs recognised my concern, because he stopped and made a placating gesture with his hand.<br/>
"What happened?"<br/>
"Don't worry Herr Parker, I just brought your friend something I mixed for him."<br/>
"Ok." I looked at him piercingly, I wanted him to tell me what was going on, not because I was curious but I just wanted to know, but he remained silent and looked at me waiting.<br/>
"Is there anything I can do?" I wanted to help.<br/>
The doctor looked back at the house, sought my gaze and took a step closer.<br/>
"You are a good friend, Herr Parker and that is exactly what they need." My heart pricked.<br/>
"But what can I do? Please tell me, I want to help as much as I can."<br/>
The doctor sighed, I appreciated his secrecy and yet I hoped there was something he could tell me.<br/>
"I would do everything, Dr Fuchs." I didn’t care that I sounded desperate and he smiled at me then.<br/>
"Make the young lady laugh, distract her." He rubbed his chin, nodded and then said, "and avoid any kind of stress for him."<br/>
Then he said goodbye and I was, yes people.. I was relaxed, because that was exactly what I wanted to do! I wanted to take the stress and worries about his daughter away from him and to bring a smile to her beautiful face was my greatest wish. And as if to confirm this thought, a brisk wind swept through the street, running through my clothes as if it wanted to take the worries and doubts with it. I walked on with a lively stride and knocked; while I waited I formulated various beginnings of a conversation in my head and hoped that it would end well. The servant greeted me in a friendly manner and led me into the living room where I had already sat with Charlotte in the morning and I was pleased when Mr Heywood greeted me with a smile and put aside the book he had been reading. He seemed to be in good spirits and that encouraged me in my intention.<br/>
</p>
<p>"Mr Parker, I'm glad you're here." he offered me a seat.<br/>
"Mr Heywood."<br/>
"I know you wanted to talk to me about something, but please let me apologise to you first."<br/>
"Why?" I asked and shook my head, there was nothing to apologise for. He frowned for a moment, looked to the side and then back to me.<br/>
"I used you." He apparently saw my surprised face because he leaned towards me and a waft of mustard rose from him, probably the medicine that Dr Fuchs had brought him.<br/>
"I got this message but I didn't want to meet them here, so we went to the beach. For one thing, I wanted to annoy the old witch by making her wait, but I also wanted her to... well." he pointed at me and I understood.<br/>
"For her to see me."<br/>
He nodded and seemed a little embarrassed.<br/>
"She had already seen you at the ball and even though she keeps saying that she has doubts, you really ruined her morning." he laughed "She was so mad, that alone made my day."<br/>
Even though I should be disappointed that he had used me, I wasn't, I was happy when he giggled like a schoolboy who had done something forbidden. I was already one step further with my thoughts and hoped that it would make him even happier.<br/>
"And it was unexpectedly convenient that your sister-in-law came to take Charlotte to the beach again."<br/>
Oh crap, Charlotte wasn't there? But ok, well, I had planned to talk to him first anyway, my face contorted into a grin on its own.<br/>
"One of the girls had left her doll," I explained and now, as I was about to tell him, my heart beat a little harder against my ribs.<br/>
"What did you want to talk to me about?" Mr Heywood looked at me with a smile, his gaze was penetrating but friendly and I had the feeling he knew exactly what it was about. I nodded at him before taking a deep breath, as he said.<br/>
"I hope it's nothing bad, the doctor said I shouldn't get stressed."<br/>
"It's about your daughter." So it was out.<br/>
"What about her?"<br/>
"Nothing, I mean..." I looked at him and then I said it, I just said it. "I want to marry her."<br/>
A moment of silence. He looked at his hands in his lap and the corner of his mouth twitched, he shook his head slightly, but I didn't take it as a refusal, more like astonishment.<br/>
"Mr Parker, I don't know what to say."<br/>
"Please Mr Heywood, believe me I have no ulterior motives."<br/>
"You so vehemently did not want to." He just looked at me.<br/>
"Yes," I gasped out laughing, "I had my reasons, a marriage without affection would be unthinkable for me. For both of us."<br/>
His face showed no movement, he was waiting for more.<br/>
"I thought I wasn't made for marriage, that I would stay alone or have to, because I'm... scarred."<br/>
He frowned as if he didn't know what I was talking about.<br/>
"Not only me," I pointed to my face, "my soul. I was once heartbroken and for years I felt I wasn't worth it."<br/>
And I could tell by the look on his face that he was waiting for me to explain.<br/>
"I refused to get involved, my heart was closed." I looked at him and it was such a relief to finally get it off my chest.<br/>
"I believed I wasn't worthy of having those kind of feelings, because no one would return them either."<br/>
"But..."<br/>
"I was convinced I would never fall in love again."<br/>
In this moment I could tell that he understood.<br/>
"You love my daughter?"<br/>
"Yes." fucking hell, yes yes yes!!!<br/>
"When?" he only asked and his voice was stern, just like his gaze, I shrugged.<br/>
"I don't know exactly," I wiped my forehead. "I mean she's just... she's just and yeah suddenly I knew."<br/>
He let out a deep sigh and then asked, "That's the reason for the flowers?"<br/>
"I want to court her properly, the way she should be courted."<br/>
Mr Heywood looked to the side and then stood up and wandered to the shelf at the front of the room behind the half-open door. I stood up too and noticed that I felt lighter somehow.<br/>
"I hope you will give me permission to do so."<br/>
Mr Heywood turned to me and smiled, saying the most encouraging words ever.<br/>
"You know I'm saying yes."<br/>
"But what about her?" I asked, my heart cheering and jumping in my chest, but he raised his eyebrows and shook his head slightly, he didn't know.<br/>
"I think she believes you are friends, if she feels more for you I can't tell you, I mean... I didn't encourage her after you rejected my proposal." but his lip twitched again as if he wanted to smile.<br/>
"That was before I knew her." I declared.<br/>
"Yes, yes." He now turned back to the shelf where the small bar was hidden that Tom had put in all the apartments; it was filled with brandy, whiskey and port. Mr Heywood had poured us two glasses and handed one of them to me.<br/>
"I can't tell you how relieved I am."<br/>
"I thank you."<br/>
I was sure he wouldn't encourage me if she didn't like me at all and as close as they were, I was sure he would know if she loathed me and that he only wanted the best for her and would never want her to get attached to me without any feelings.<br/>
"Maybe everything will work out for the best after all." He toasted me and I was pleased that he was so happy.<br/>
"Ha ha, the face of the old witch when we announce your engagement!" He exclaimed loudly and laughed so heart-warmingly hard that at that moment you wouldn't think he was seriously ill.<br/>
"I would favour a quick wedding, just to annoy her." He laughed and laughed, his face was red all over.<br/>
"And your brother would be happy too, you'd have enough money to pay his dream!" he wiped his eyes, he was laughing so hard, I was glad he'd seen through Tom and that he could be happy.<br/>
"I wouldn't give him a cent!" I laughed too, "Charlotte can do what she wants with her money, but I would forbid her to do THAT!"<br/>
It felt so good to be silly for once, I was so cocky, so happy.<br/>
"That's a noble attitude!" he exclaimed, "my son-in-law!"<br/>
Wow this sounded good, very good. Since Mr Heywood reacted so happily, it could only end well! I was about to burst with happiness! Yet I wanted to make something clear.<br/>
"I mean, I wouldn't advise it, but if she really wants to invest, of course she can." We both finished our glasses and he slapped me hard on the shoulder, but the good one.<br/>
"I allow her a hundred pounds max." He laughed.</p>
<p>"That's very generous."<br/>
Shocked, we turned around. In our silly frenzy, we hadn't noticed that Charlotte had come back and was now standing next to the open door in the room, glaring at us both as we stood there laughing in the corner of the room. God, she was gorgeous, so angry and breathing hard while she held her bonnet with both fists. The hem of her coat was drenched apparently it had started raining. Her wet hair stickled to her neck, her cheeks were red for the cold outside and the anger that bubbled up inside her.<br/>
"So I’m allowed to decide what my father and my..." she pointed at me with a snide look, "future husband have already planned for me!"<br/>
Husband. Wow, fucking shit, she said husband.<br/>
"Sweetie, I wasn't serious." whispered her father who was suddenly all white in the face.<br/>
"It was just a joke, if we..."<br/>
"Just stupid that I didn't say yes!" she shouted. "Since no one asks me!"<br/>
She turned around and ran out of the room and slammed the door so hard that I thought it was going to break out of the wall.</p>
<p>Oh fucking shit!</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. get her back!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So Charlotte is angry, Sidney is full of concern for her and her father, Mr Heywood is not doing well....</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Soon we'll get where we all want to go, but you know slow-burn, angst and drama...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I stared at the door, which seemed to vibrate like my heart, and yet I was immediately back in the moment when I felt Mr Heywood's hand on my arm. Ooh fucking hell! He was all pale and looked like he'd been aged for years. I held him with both hands and escorted him to the nearest chair while he dug his fingers into my arm.<br/>
"Get her back!" he suddenly looked much smaller.<br/>
"I will."<br/>
But he held me firmer and looked at me urgently. "She’s hurt."<br/>
"Yes."<br/>
"I promised her I would never do it again." he breathed heavily. "She hates me now."<br/>
"No, of course not." nothing would make Charlotte hate her father, I was sure of that and Mr Heywood had to calm down, he was breathing too fast.<br/>
"I had promised." he said again, he looked desperate but still wouldn't let go of me.<br/>
"I'll get Dr Fuchs." Panic rose in me as he suddenly grabbed his left arm as if he were in severe pain and his eyes glazed over.<br/>
"No, Charlotte, please get Charlotte." he had panic in his voice, which was not just concern for his daughter, he was scared of... dying.<br/>
"I'll get her." I nodded and called for the servant.<br/>
The servant came running into the room, he knew what was going on I could tell by his look, he called for the maid and ordered to fetch the doctor. He tried to talk to Mr Heywood who was about to collapse but still held my gaze.<br/>
"Bring her back." He whispered and looked at me a bit longer, as if he wanted to tell me something but couldn’t get the words out and I nodded, ran out the door and almost colliding with the doctor, who gave me a biting look.<br/>
"I said no stress!" he shook his head, pushed past me into the room, the maid followed and he ordered "hot water for the compresses!"<br/>
I stood in the hallway for two quick breaths while I heard the doctor say in a calm voice.<br/>
"Mr Heywood, just breathe calmly, in and out, in and out."<br/>
I shivered, for I had a small moment to reflect what had happened as he had clung to me, as he grew greyer and smaller under the pain he was in, I had felt the life was about to drain out of him. I’ve seen it before; there was no doubt that he was dying. NO! NO NO NO! Please, NO!<br/>
"Charlotte." I whispered and ran out the door, he needed her.</p><p>The rain had become heavier and smacked me in the face with full force, like a slap in the face, which of course I deserved. But it didn't matter I had to get her back. I looked down the path at the deserted main street, but as angry as she was, she probably wouldn't have run along there to avoid prying eyes. I felt a pull in the other direction and that's where I ran. It was the road that led further up to the cliffs and crossed a small sandy path that led down to the beach before, after another junction, the homes of the workers and the bathing machine operators could be seen lying in the shelter of the dunes. I was overcome by a queasy feeling and ran faster. Since there were no trees here, the green hill was easy to overlook and since I couldn't see her anywhere, I ran down the sandy path towards the beach. The wind became stronger and blew rain and sand into my eyes; I squinted and searched the horizon for her. I got a fright when her bonnet flew towards me at the height of the hut roofs and I searched the small place with my eyes to see if I could see her there. In the corner of my eye I noticed a small movement, it was a blowing yellow fabric down at the beach by the third bathing machine from the left and I ran even faster down. The stormy wind picked up the pace and I ran on blind. It was so loud that I didn't need to call her name; she wouldn't have heard it anyway in the uproar of the waves that made the tide even wilder than it already was. Soon the icy water would be lapping at the wheels of the bathing machines and it wouldn't be the first time it sucked one that wasn’t properly secured into the sea, but still I hoped Charlotte was in one of them as not to catch a bad cold. I ran to the other side and was already ankle-deep in the water and the sand was heavy around my boots, sucking me tight.<br/>
Huddled up, she sat on the top step of the stairs. Her back pressed against the closed door, her head resting on her knees, she seemed much smaller and she was shivering. I was sure that she was not only cold but also crying and tried to speak to her as lovingly as possible so that she wouldn't get scared.<br/>
"Miss Heywood."<br/>
Her head shot up, I saw astonishment and confusion on her face but no fear, her gaze slide for a short moment over my face and my body, before she turned away as if she couldn't bear to look at me.<br/>
"Please come back with me." I said slowly, I tried to supress the panic in my voice, I didn’t want her to know how serious it had seemed. She didn't move, though her trembling became more violent.<br/>
"Please come."<br/>
She nodded slowly, but said nothing and didn't move as I climbed onto the lowest step, which was already slippery from the water.<br/>
"You'll freeze to death."<br/>
Her head jerked and I would have loved to just pick her up and carry her home to keep her warm and safe, though I was drenched too. My clothes already stuck to me and it was an awful feeling and reminded me of the events on the ship.<br/>
"Your father needs you."<br/>
Charlotte gasped loudly as if she suddenly remembered and stood up so quick I feared she would fall, so I reached out for her, for a short moment she looked at my hand but ignored it and run down the stairs and the other way around the bathing machine, the water tugging at her clothes didn't seem to bother her and while she continued to trudge along, not really making much progress, I caught up with her.<br/>
"Please let me help you." But she wrapped her arms around her instead of taking my arm.<br/>
"How is he?" her voice was a scratchy plea and it hurt my heart, to hear her pain.<br/>
"The doctor is with him."<br/>
I couldn't say any more, I didn’t know how he was by now, and I didn’t want to hurt her. The wind was so strong that every word I shouted hurt my lungs and she didn't need any further explanation anyway, she knew how he was, she knew exactly and that's why she was getting faster, even though the mud hadn't released us yet. She slid, just like I did on the heavy sand, until we were out of the water and found better footing. I wanted to go back the way I had come, but blinded by the storm, she ran along a small path that led to the huts, I ran after her and called her back. But she was stubborn, she just wouldn't listen and kept going, even though she must surely have realised that she was on the wrong path.<br/>
"Miss Heywood!" I cried and brushed her arm a little. She turned to me and her red cheeks shone brightly on her pale face.<br/>
"What?" she shouted against the wind and I shook my head, pointed to the small houses, I leaned a bit closer and even though I could barely see through the rain that clouded my vision, I noticed the fluttering of her eyelids.<br/>
"We're not going that way!" I cried simply, every word was one too many, every delay only put her in more danger of getting sick and we need to get her to her father.<br/>
"Oh yes, that's right!" she shouted sarcastically "you decide about my life now!" It hurt me that she thought that, but I pushed it aside, she had to go home, we could talk later.<br/>
Charlotte turned around and kept running away from me and although I knew I had to explain myself and talk to her, it was completely out of place in this moment, we had to go home; she needed warm clothes and had to see her father! I prayed that he was all right. Please, please let him be all right! She ran through the small corridors between the huts and I ran after her, stomping in puddles, bumping into pieces of wood and ramming my head against one of the low roofs. She disappeared around a corner and I panicked that we were loosing too much time, that we would loose him… I ran around the corner and slammed into her back. She had stopped, disoriented among the always same-looking huts and I instinctive wrapped my arm around her so she wouldn't fall in the mud and I felt her head sink against my upper arm for a small moment, but before I could recognise the feelings this small touch had caused, she put her hands in front of her face and I moved away from her, although of course I would have preferred to do the opposite. She was crying, I could hear it in her choked sounds and in the shaking of her shoulders.<br/>
"What.. have I done?" I heard her voice broken and desperate and I only answered:<br/>
"We have to go on." I almost didn't dare, but I gently stroked her arm. "Your father needs you." What else could I say?<br/>
"That way." I pointed the way between two huts and though I was sure that people who live here had seen us, I didn't care. We had more important things to do right now and when we climbed over the side of the dune to get back on the right path, she let me grab her by the elbow and help her.<br/>
"Tha-ank yo-uu." we stumbled along the path.<br/>
"Come on now." running up the small hill was never as strenuous as it was at that moment and I saw it was even more difficult for her with the wet dress and coat wrapped around her legs. I was about to swoop her in my arms and carry her the rest of the way, but I wouldn’t dare and as soon as we were on the road, she lifted up her skirts and ran quickly home.<br/></p><p>We burst through the door and the maid called out "Oh Miss, Miss, you're all cold." she tugged the soaking wet coat off Charlotte while she just kept walking.<br/>"Papa?"<br/>"He's upstairs, Miss," the maid said, then she looked at me and I feared the worst. An icy sting ran through me, but before the girl could speak any further, Charlotte was already running up the stairs. I looked after her and also took off my heavy wet coat, I didn't know if they wanted me here. I felt useless and out of place, but I couldn’t leave, I wouldn’t.<br/>"The doctor is still with him." the maid said, I nodded and felt like running upstairs too, I wanted to comfort her, keep her warm. The maid pressed a blanket into my hand and murmured something about dry clothes as she ran up the stairs. Charlotte had to be warm, yes yes! Without wasting another moment, I too ran up the stairs. I saw her standing trembling in the doorway of her father’s room and before I could think about what I was doing, I placed the blanket on her shoulders. She sucked in a sharp breath and stretched her shoulders, but she didn't flinch or move away. She allowed me to cover her shoulders with the blanket and hold it there for a tiny moment before her ice-cold fingers brushed mine as she reached for it. I saw her shudder, I was sure from the cold and the fear for her father; I hoped it wasn't from disgust for me. I took a step back, but as her head jerked in my direction as if to stop me from leaving, I didn't dare move another step. The whole thing had lasted maybe three seconds, only then I could lift my eyes from her and looked at the bed where her father was lying. He was lying on a thick pillow, his face was turned away from us, but we could see that it was greyish pale. He seemed to be awake, but his eyes were closed.<br/>Dr Fuchs had a wooden tube with one end pressed to Mr Heywood’s chest and his ear to the other end, he seemed to be listening intently to something.<br/>"What is he doing?" I asked myself, not expecting an answer.<br/>"He listen to his heart." her voice quiet and choked with tears.<br/>"I am so sorry." I whispered back and would have liked to squeeze her hand. It hurt my heart to see him like this, when not so long ago he had been laughing out loud and was so happy. She turned to me and smiled slightly, and even though it was completely inappropriate, I would have liked to pull her against me so that she could lean on me and I could take all her sorrows. I could only imagine what she was going through and I wanted so much to take this pain away. I heard the maid come out of Charlotte's room and I moved away a little. She put a towel in my hand and said quietly to Charlotte that she had to take off her wet clothes, but she just shook her head.<br/>"Please," I said gently, "I'll stay here until you come back." Her face twitched and even though she didn't want to hear it and it was brutal, I said what was necessary so that she would go and dry herself so she wouldn't get sick.<br/>"If you're sick, you don’t help him."<br/>I expected her to stare angrily at me, but she closed her eyes and nodded, then hurried away and I watched after her, till the door closed and I turned back. Dr Fuchs stood in front of me, pushed me out of the room and told me to follow him down the stairs.<br/>"Good that the daughter is back," he said as soon as we were downstairs. "As soon as she stood in the doorway, his heart calmed down."<br/>"So it's his heart?" I asked, and mine contracted painfully, because from all the stories of illness my brother Arthur thought he had, I had a rough idea of what it meant. Dr Fuchs looked at me silently, even though he didn't admit it with one word, he didn't deny it either. I closed my eyes.<br/>"I need to talk to her." he looked me in the face, "please, as his friend, make sure he doesn't get any more stress. Stress is the worst." he looked up the stairs and said "he told me he wants to walk his daughter down the aisle." The doctor gave me a little smile "so." Then he climbed back up as we heard Charlotte’s door open and hurry steps over the hallway.</p><p>The servant offered me tea in the heated living room.<br/>
"If you don't mind, sir." he made a gesture with his hand and I understood, took off my waistcoat and shirt and he wordlessly handed me a towel, I rubbed myself dry. Then he handed me a shirt and apologised that it was his as he was sure one of Mr Heywood's would not fit me.<br/>
"Thank you." it was tight at my shoulders and I couldn't close the button on the collar, but what did it matter under the circumstances? After hanging my clothes by the fireplace, he left me alone and I wandered around the room, worried for her father and also for Charlotte. She had been so vulnerable, so desperate. Understandably and even though I wanted to tell her everything, I found it completely inappropriate to do so now. After a while Dr Fuchs came down the stairs and he nodded at me. After thanking him and saying goodbye, I went back upstairs, I needed to know how they doing and if there was anything I could do.<br/>
"He asked for permission, he's a gentleman." his voice was barely audible.<br/>
"I know." I heard Charlotte's soft voice, I stopped and turned to leave, I didn’t want eavesdrop on their conversation.<br/>
"I thought you like him, sweetie." I got two steps back to the stairs before she answered.<br/>
"You know I do."<br/></p><p>I went back into the living-room, not knowing what to do, I sat down on a chair and put my head on my hands. Even though her words made my heart happy, I didn't know if she meant it or if she just didn't want to cause her father more grief. It was a difficult time for her and I should better leave but not before I had said goodbye and at least hinted at something that explained the conversation earlier. At least that's what I had to do, I jumped up the moment she came in to the room. We stared at each other for a moment. She still had the blanket around her shoulders, but underneath I recognized a different dress and her damp hair curled on her shoulders. The sight of her made me forget everything for a moment and I took a step towards her, but I remained sensible. I saw her gaze linger on my uncovered neck and then move lower, before she frowned and closed her eyes. I knew I looked like I was as if I had just fallen out of bed, with my hair sticking out in all directions, in the servant's too-tight shirt, but with the storm still clapping against the window I couldn't have gone home to change and besides, I didn't want to leave.<br/>"How is he?" I asked the most important question.<br/>"Alright, it was only a mild attack this time." she was very calm.<br/>"Mild?" that meant it could be worse?? What the hell?<br/>"I know the first time is a very intense experience." Her eyes were shining with tears, "well, you never get used to it."<br/>How awful that she had already experienced this horrible situation several times, all alone, I didn't want her to be alone in this! Our eyes remained fixed on each other and for a while no one said a word.<br/>"What happens now?" I asked. Her father had looked so small and exhausted that I doubted he would get back on his feet so quickly.<br/>"He is sleeping.. and Dr Fuchs wants to take us for a walk tomorrow morning."<br/>"So soon?" I was amazed, thinking of my siblings' little aches and pains, lying in bed for days with a little snuff, crying as if they feared for their lives.<br/>"Dr Fuchs believes that action is better than waiting for improvement." I took her words as an advise for myself.<br/>"Will you allow me to accompany you?" Please say yes, please say yes!<br/>"Of course, Mr Parker."<br/>The way she spoke my name did that thing with my heart and her smile was small but god I loved her so much and it didn't make me nervous, it made me brave.<br/>"Will you also allow me to have a private conversation with you?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. private conversation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This private conversation is around the corner... Sidney will listen, be nervous, confused and... surprised.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry it took so long, but you will now be repaid for waiting with a longer chapter.<br/>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She said yes!!! </p>
<p>Well, not yes in the sense of the word. But she didn't say no either, which actually means yes in return, doesn't it? Ok I will tell from the start. So I asked this question:<br/>
"Will you also allow me to have a private conversation with you?"<br/>
And was surprised how clearly and distinctly I had brought it out, except for the you, which was more like an exhale, but anyway... I stared into her eyes so as not to miss the slightest movement. It was as if her eyes and mouth were gasping for air at the same time. Not extreme or loudly only very minimally her eyes widened and her lips opened a little more. Our gazes remained fixed on each other. My heart beat in my chest. One. Two. Three. Then she exhaled short and inhaled quickly, as if she had been holding her breath. Her eyes fluttered, her cheeks darkened a little, so maybe I imagined it, but well I think I really saw it. She exhaled and her sweet mouth twisted into a minimal smile. Then she took her gaze from my eyes and nodded. Not overdone, it was more as if her face wanted to move downwards but changed its mind and slid upwards again, it was a very small movement. Her eyes found mine and let me tell you, the sight of her made me almost forget everything. I would have liked to get on my knees, but… I didn't want to push her, not on this day. Calm down, calm down! I said to myself. Nevertheless, I couldn't stop myself from smiling. Just a little, but I was so glad that she hadn't sent me straight to hell and people - honestly, at that moment I knew one thing for sure: No matter what was to come, what would happen or if she finally rejected me, my heart was hers. That was a fact that would never change, it was a truth that was set in stone, and as sure as you need air to breath. In that moment, as I watched her face, her reaction to my smile, and her eyes shone a bit moist and her beautiful mouth changed from that slightly uncertain, astonished little smile to such a terribly sweet smirk, I knew.. I just knew it was forever.<br/>
</p>
<p>You can imagine that the night was a disaster. No bad dreams, no pleasant ones either, so actually none at all. I wasn’t sleeping, I was thinking about how I should start THIS conversation. My thoughts kept drifting off, I imagined myself pouring out my heart, telling her all my feelings, even the ones I should rather not tell her, you know… the physical ones. I imagined how I kissed her hand, how we lay in each other's arms and well… probably it went on a bit… alas, you know!<br/>
At some point I got up and wrote down what she meant to me, how I saw her and what I felt when she was near me and how I felt when she was not. I even wrote down, what I would like to do… Yeees, the naughty things, just to get it out of my head, so I could concentrate of the most important things. And it worked, after I wrote it all down, things got a little better and I got down to business. First, I had to explain to her that my intentions were sincere. That I didn't want to own her money or dictate her anything. That if it were up to me, we were equals, although I knew of course that we weren't. She was the fresh morning in a colourful field of flowers and I... I was the hour in the night when you tossed around in your dreams or fell drunk out of a sticky bar. I laughed at this comparison for I hadn't been to a bar in ages, let alone drunk, well drunken with Tom, but that didn’t count. I had a plan and it was a good one. And nothing would stop me from doing it exactly the way I had planned. I wouldn't let anything or more HER distract me, and I certainly wouldn't let myself be carried away and overwhelm her with my feelings and desires. It was about getting to know each other, getting closer, I wanted to court her as she should be and she should decide what she wanted, if she wanted me, a life with me. I felt obliged to follow her wishes, whatever they might be.</p>
<p>In this state, I went to the Heywood’s the next morning. I was confident, as I usually was, at least when it came to business and things that didn't have to do with matters of the heart. I kept remembering how she had breathed my name as I said goodbye the day before. How we had looked at each other as I walked past her. The pressing down of the need to touch her. Phew, man… I met doctor Fuchs at the door as he stepped out of their house and he greeted me in a friendly manner. I asked if there was anything we should watch out for, but he only told me that he had already visited Mr Heywood and that he was in good spirits, that he could manage a nice walk down the promenade and a short visit to the beach without being exhausted. He didn't say anything else, or maybe I wasn't really listening to what he was saying, because I was otherwise occupied. I peeked into the house and saw Mr Heywood coming down the stairs. I couldn't help smiling, I was glad he was feeling better, but of course you could see he had struggled to survive. He smiled at me and we greeted each other amicably with a handshake.<br/>
"How are you feeling?"<br/>
"Much better." He said nothing more, but nodded and pointed with his head behind him. I looked up and HELLO!?! Charlotte’s gaze hit me straight in my nervous heart, though I thought I wasn’t nervous but yeah, what should I say? Suddenly I was, ha.. Her as a whole didn't seem insecure or shy, just warm - I just couldn't explain it any other way. Her eyes were big, deep and full of... I don't know, maybe trust? Her flawless face was open and seemed receptive for me.. I mean for what I had to tell her… or that’s what I thought in this moment. Her lips slightly parted, her hair lay in luscious waves on her shoulders and I was sure that if I would touch it, it would be smooth as silk. For whatever reason I managed to catch myself and bowed to greet her. And she came towards me, or towards the door, and I was just lost, because she seemed so relaxed, but maybe I was just completely nuts. Charlotte was so... so... tender? I don't know, but that was the word that came to mind. Though her coarse woven coat seemed more rough than soft but she was, you know? You understand what I mean, yes?<br/>
"Come, Charlotte." Her father said and held out his arm to her. For a moment I was disappointed that I couldn't talk to her right away, but maybe that was what they had discussed, maybe we should go for a walk first, find our footing and then talk alone. Maybe we needed a moment to calm down. God, I loved to think that she felt like me, but of course I didn't want to imagine too much. It was probably the first time, that a man wanted to have a private conversation with her and she was just flustered like me, but could hide it better behind her beauty. Suddenly it come to mind, that this maybe wasn’t the first time, that’s why she not only seemed calm, she WAS. So this adopted son had talked to her alone? I would like to know what had happened and of course I would also like to know what he had said to her, if he had said anything, had he said anything? She had taken that one step back when he wanted to get out of the carriage, which to me was a sign of two things: firstly, it had not been their first meeting and that it had left her with a bad memory.<br/>
We walked to the promenade. Mr Heywood walked slowly, yet he was brave, trying not to let it show and after a while I noticed that there was a little more colour in his face, either from the walk or from the sea air. We walked along the finished section of the promenade and I wondered where Howard’s workers were, perhaps in the next row of houses and helped to finish the terraces there? I looked in the small path, which was a dead-end in the moment cause of the construction. As we walked past, I could hear the hammering and sawing and the bustle, but I saw no one. They all seemed to be working inside. I pushed the thought aside, I really had more important things to do. After a few more minutes, the wooden path changed into the sand of the dunes, which, after a small climb, led down to the sea. I particularly liked this part of the beach, the dunes were higher here and almost untouched. When we arrived at the bottom of the wide, firm beach, I saw that Charlotte had left her father and let him walk towards the waterline with Dr Fuchs, as if they were discussing something that Charlotte shouldn't or didn't want to hear. I came to stand next to her. </p>
<p>Apparently I seemed worried, because she explained without looking at me.<br/>
"They’re just talking about his diet."<br/>
All the way here we had only glanced at each other, but now she looked at me and smiled a sweet little smile.<br/>
"The night was good, Dr Fuchs says it looks quite good... for the moment." she looked at her father again. "He's feeling good." Her expression was not worried; it was determined and strong, which nevertheless made her delicacy and fragility all the more obvious.<br/>
"And how are you?" I asked in a soft voice, I was sure that she cared a lot, but that she was just missing out. I searched her gaze and tears glistened in her eyes, which she tried to blink away. Shit, had I made her cry? I’m such a fool!<br/>
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."<br/>
"No" she shook her head and smiled even a little more as she looked me in the eye. "It’s so kind of you to ask."<br/>
At that moment I couldn't help it, it was an independent act without me having thought about it before. I grabbed her hand. We both gasped, she more audibly than me, we stared at our hands for a brief moment before I let go of her and chided me for doing it. Now she might think I was a rake who did not know the rules.<br/>
"Forgive me."<br/>
She shook her head and I knew she had nothing to forgive, that it was fine and my heart made this strange move and then I just kept talking.<br/>
"There are many things for which I ask you to forgive me."<br/>
"Papa already explained it to me." she said placating and I was grateful to her for wanting to make it so easy for me or us, but I didn't leave it at that.<br/>
"It was really just a joke, we were talking about my brother and..."<br/>
"I overreacted, Mr Parker, and I assure you it had nothing to do with you."<br/>
I smiled, because she had said something similar before. Actually I wanted to explain more and especially tell her that her money was not what I wanted, but my mouth was doing the job.<br/>
"Then with whom?" Yes, I said that, and? Yes, yes I know. If she had listened carefully, she would have heard the little jealous tone, but maybe she was too busy with other things, you don't know! I had no idea, but I knew that three and a half seconds could feel DAMN long when you're waiting for an answer!<br/>
"With whom or with what… I mean," she stopped walking and only then did I realise we had started to walk again. "You know, it's this whole situation!" she pursed her lips. "It’s just everything… everything is..."<br/>
"Too much." I finished her sentence, Charlotte nodded and I saw her struggling with her emotions. God, I wished we were alone in her living room and I could take her hand again, but out here in the open for everyone to see, I couldn't do that… again.<br/>
"I don't want to complain, you know. I still have him." I wondered how long she had lived with this fear of losing him. "It's been a part of my life for so long, and even if you don't get used to it, it's kind of part of who I am, and I..." she looked at me as if she were suddenly uncomfortable talking about it. I gave her an encouraging nod; she needed to get it off her chest, if only a little.<br/>
"How long has he been sick?" I asked quietly to show her that I wasn't curious, but just wanted to know how long she had been coping with it. She looked after him, because by now he and Dr Fuchs were walking a little way ahead of us.<br/>
"I don't know, about ten years, maybe eleven." I closed my eyes; she was still a child then!<br/>
"I only know that he had received this letter and then all of a sudden..." she took a deep breath and then told me, "he was lying there and everyone was screaming in panic and my mother..."<br/>
She then sighed and closed her eyes. "I’m sorry to bother you with it, Mr Parker. I never do so."<br/>
I was sure about that, whom should she tell how she felt about the whole thing? Suddenly I realised that she must be terribly lonely, too.<br/>
"No, please. You can tell me. I will... you can trust me."<br/>
Our eyes lingered on each other and I wanted to tell her so much more, but first I wanted her to release some of the grief that was weighing heavily on her shoulders. I wanted to show her that she could lean on me. She then continued walking, not hurrying away, it was slowly, we walked side by side and were silent for eight breaths before she continued speaking.<br/>
"We lived with it as best we could, adapted to his disease, waiting for him for weeks when he was travelling to see doctors, scared that from somewhere a letter will arrive and tell us that..." she shook her head "My mother and I had a very good relationship, we were happy to have each other."<br/>
But? I was sure, there was a BUT coming.<br/>
"But now I feel.. I feel betrayed by her... you know, this arrangement... and so, well."<br/>
I could see she was uncomfortable talking about it, she got quieter and she looked more at the damp sand underneath our feet than at the landscape, like the other tourists. It was on the tip of my tongue to say that the arrangement with the aunt would be an old hat if she would chose me, but of course I didn't, it was just a stupid fleeting thought and then…<br/>
"I really hope it doesn't come to an arrangement." I know I know, a bit clumsy, but at least it was out. She blew out a nervous laugh. I had to keep talking, keep talking you idiot!<br/>
"I thank for your understanding and support." Charlotte answered and I saw her blush, she tried to say something more, but didn’t.<br/>
"Miss Heywood."<br/>
I heard how she took in a deep breath.<br/>
"I'm here for you." Oh damn! My heart was pounding and there was such a cold lump in my throat that I almost couldn't swallow.<br/>
"As my friend?" she asked almost inaudibly and in that moment I realised that she realised what I had realised for some time, and I said just as breathless.<br/>
"That as well."<br/>
</p>
<p>We walked in silence for a few more steps. Then, when I felt the solid ground of the wooden path of the promenade under my feet, I finally managed it, please be proud of me!<br/>
"Miss Heywood," I stopped and she walked another half step before turning to me. Her eyes were fixed on me expectantly, I saw her breath quicken.<br/>
"Would you give me permission to court you?" I said it, ha!<br/>
It was out and I was proud of me and relieved that I had done it and at the same moment I felt like I was back on the ship, at the mercy of the forces of the wild sea that wanted to devour me, exposed to its deadly gaze and mercy, nowhere to hide. My eyes sank deeper into Charlotte’s and at that moment a gust of wind came and whirled her curls around her head, they covered her face for a moment and, giggling softly she pushed the hair back out of her face, her gaze lifted and she looked at me, still smiling. My heart was jumping around from my stomach to my throat at such a speed that I didn't know how long it took until she finally answered breathless.<br/>
"Mr Parker,..."<br/>
I interrupted her, I hadn't told her everything yet!<br/>
"I really want it, not out of friendship to your father or because of your fortune, none of that interests me. Please believe me." Oooh shit I sounded really desperate, I felt ashamed and yet I thought it was totally fine that she knew and yeah… I wasn't finished.<br/>
"Only you and what you want is important." Ooohooh damn! Now she knew! She KNEEEW! And as she looked at me, I felt like I lay there wounded, immobile and naked. In my head I screamed take me, TAKE ME or destroy me with one blow! Her eyes shone, were there unshed tears? Charlotte’s face was again so soft and tender, her voice so fragile.<br/>
"Mr Parker,..."<br/>
I knew she would reject me, I knew she didn’t wanted to be court by someone like me, a man she barely knew, a man who had refused to be interested in her. A man she couldn't rely on, for her it must be like I decided this way today and that way tomorrow.<br/>
"Thank you." she exhaled and looked out to the ocean.<br/>
Wait, what? What? Was that her answer? What was that? Was that a yes? Was it thank you, but no? What? WHAAT? OOOH. Damn shit, for fucking sake! She nodded. She NODDED! She nodded and that meant yes, freaking yes, yes YES!!! The mood that settled on me was peaceful and finally I could move. I could take that one step towards her and we both looked away quickly. Overwhelmed and I couldn't believe that she wanted it too. I was so indescribably happy.<br/>
But wait!! Was she only doing it because of her father? No, right? I mean she was too sensible to commit herself to a man... well she wasn't, not yet but... did she want it for him or for herself? I looked at her and searched her face for answers and when I saw it, my mind was a mess and I wasn’t able to interpret. She nibbled her lip, her eyes fluttered, but that could also be because of the wind and the sun breaking through the clouds. Her cheeks were red, but that only meant the whole situation was exciting, not whether she was nervous because of me. Maybe she needed time, time to process, yes yes! I tried to calm down.<br/>
</p>
<p>We walked on in silence and were almost back in the main street when she stiffened and turned into the small path to the construction side, where her father had also gone with Dr Fuchs. But I wasn't surprised, I already recognised the lady who seemed to be strolling in our direction and I guessed the man next to her to be the adopted son. Who else could it be? He was tall, elegantly dressed, with blonde hair and a ridiculously large top hat. I couldn't notice anything more as it seemed they haven’t recognised us yet and I leaned a little closer to Charlotte as we walked towards her father, who had found a box in a shady niche, to sit on and have a rest. He looked a bit tired, but not in total panic about his aunt.<br/>
"We can't escape them, it's a dead end here."<br/>
Charlotte looked at me desperately, was it really so terrible? What had this guy done? Anger boiled up, I lead her to the other side to one of the entrances of the buildings, I wanted to know and I was sure she wouldn’t tell me with her father near by.<br/>
"What did he do?" I rumbled, and she wasn’t the only one looking surprised at the dangerous tone in my voice. I couldn't help it, but I had to protect her.<br/>
"He was... he was saying things." she admitted and she looked down, she seemed agitated and I explained, in the same tone as my question.<br/>
"I would like to punch him for what he said."<br/>
I expected a disapproving look or a disgusted turn away, but instead Charlotte just looked at me, I imagined there was a certain glint in her eyes, as if she would like to see that. But maybe it was just my imagination, after all the scent of her hair spilled over to me that was explanation enough for my fantasy running high, only then did I realise that I was standing a little too close and stepped back.</p>
<p>"If that isn't Sidney Parker!" a voice called out and I turned towards the front door a few steps away from us and a little in front of Charlotte. It couldn't be true that HE had just turned up.<br/>
"Howard." I greeted him grumpily and he came towards me, looking behind me at Charlotte with exaggerated concern.<br/>
"Is this guy bothering you?" he asked, taking a step towards her.<br/>
"No, of course not!"<br/>
I hoped she remembered Howard, I had told her his name when we had talked about him, or?<br/>
"But that's what it looked like." he looked at me and I clenched my fists, I wanted to hit him as much as I wanted to hit that other bastard.<br/>
"Thank you for your concern, sir but it's all good." She said and we turned to leave as he said.<br/>
"But people saw him grab you."<br/>
"Excuse me?" she asked surprised and looked at him.<br/>
I shook my head at her, she shouldn't say anything else, he wasn't worth getting angry about, and I took her arm.<br/>
"Come now." I said, we should go, just go.<br/>
"That brute knows no decency," said Howard, he had almost caught up with us.<br/>
"Wrong, he's one of the most decent people I know." she said emphatically and I stared at her in admiration that she was defending me.<br/>
I saw her father stand up in the niche and look over at us, even though he was too far away to hear what Howard was saying, he knew something was up. I couldn't think straight, I wanted to beat Howard, but of course I didn't. I knew he was trying to provoke me, probably his workers were watching from the windows as witnesses.<br/>
"When he came after you yesterday and hunted you down through the workers' barracks."<br/>
"What do you want, Howard?" I asked him in a sharp tone.<br/>
"Ahh, I understand, " he nodded "it was after you and this girl found a nice place in the bathing machines?"<br/>
Charlotte gasped.<br/>
"STOP talking like that." I pushed Charlotte behind me, because I wasn't so sure anymore that I wasn't going to punch him in the face. Howard grinned, and what happened next happened so quickly that I hope I don't confuse you… but here we go.<br/>
So... my fist shot up and I felt Charlotte's hand on my arm. Strong and with a lofty expression on her face she pulled me away from Howard, her father was coming in our direction I hoped he wouldn't get too stressed. Together we tried to take the few steps back to the promenade but there was suddenly this nasty old lady standing and the greasy man next to her asked angrily.<br/>
"What was that?"<br/>
"A misunderstanding." Charlotte explained and I was in awe that she was so calm and composed.<br/>
"Take your hand off that man!" shouted the aunt in anger, looking at me, but instead of taking her hand away, Charlotte wrapped her arm around mine and pressed herself so tightly against me that I could feel her hard breathing.<br/>
"Let me introduce you, Aunt."<br/>
She said in an almost arrogant tone, looked up at me and our eyes met and I know it was probably the anger, the tension or what happened here or earlier, but I felt like we were totally at peace with each other at that moment, I know it's bullshit, but that's how her gaze felt and we both smiled.<br/>
"Well who's this?" the old woman asked.<br/>
"This is Sidney Parker," Charlotte said in a strong voice "my fiancé."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Whaaat?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney's feelings after Charlotte's words... and IDK but I think, Mr Heywood is the best.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys, thank you for all your enthusiasm, I LIKE it, very much.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Boom. Whaaat? Not only was her closeness, her leaning against me thrilling enough, but also her words made my heart went crazy. Really. Poof, bang, it was down, up again and then dancing around excitedly in my chest. Had she really just said that? Ooh, yeah all right. I wasn't, but I was here for it!! I mean hello! who was I to complain? Still I wondered, of course, but said nothing. I was probably grinning like an idiot, but I managed to behave sensibly towards the old lady and bowed. She looked at me as if I was a disgusting insect she wanted to trample to death and the tall bloke next to her couldn't bring himself to greet me properly. He stared first at me, and then at Charlotte, as if he had some kind of right over her, and I have to admit, the rage inside me got a little worse. Well, not a little, more like a little more, MORE. I felt all my muscles tense up; like I was about to fight I wanted to jump him! He wasn't allowed to look at her like that! I pushed forward a little but Charlotte grabbed my arm tighter to stop me. I looked at her and she smiled at me as if we shared a secret but I couldn't remember if we did, my brain went blank... You need to understand, her eyes made this… They just.. what was I about to say? Oh yes, she was so damn beautiful and lovely and tender, sensual… I wanted to kiss her… what was going on? Oh yeah! She said I was her fiancé. Shit really! My mouth hurt from smiling.<br/>"How long have you known each other?" the old woman asked and Charlotte answered a little snippy<br/>"Long enough!" she gave us a nasty glare and I noticed Charlotte pressing closer to me, and people THAT was such a good feeling... I had to restrain myself from forgetting where I was.<br/>"He's the gentleman you saw her dancing with," Mr Heywood explained calmly and Mrs Denham made a noise as if she had already forgotten the triviality.<br/>"If you have known each other so long, when is the wedding?" she looked first at us, then at Mr Heywood, who spoke as if we had talked about it already.<br/>"We’ll have to find a date that works with Mr Parker's schedule." He made a sweeping hand gesture he'd probably copied from Tom, "that also depends on the bookings."<br/>"She want to get married here?" she asked annoyed as if Charlotte wasn’t standing a few feet away, but Mr Heywood had again an answer ready:<br/>"No, of course not. At home, but Sidney has to attend the balls here."<br/>The old woman puffed and turned to leave, I leaned my head towards Charlotte but before I could even ask my question she made a noise that gave me a little jolt.<br/>"Shhh." her face twitched and I understood I should keep my mouth shut as Denham stood there watching us. As we walked past him I felt Charlotte's grip on my arm tighten as if she was drawing all her strength out of me and I couldn't help it and put my hand on hers to reassure her. Of course I wanted to know what this Edward guy had said to her, but that would have to wait. At that moment I just wanted to show her that I was there and nothing would happen to her. Her hand was cold and mine covered it completely and this was a sight I couldn’t get off my mind. I wish we were already at that point where I could kiss her hand and maybe her cheek. Our eyes met and I must say I would have loved to not only give her a little kiss. I would have loved to pull her into the shadow of the balcony of the houses and kiss her so she would forget everything and everybody. Her strength and fragility, confidence and shyness seduced me. I felt my face start to tingle, the longing for her lips was so strong at that moment that I could only pull away from her with the greatest effort. I felt her fingers digging harder into the fabric of my jacket and yes - I imagined that she would have liked to be kissed by me, although of course I knew it was just the tension. <br/>"Mr Heywood!" my brother screeched towards us, as he came from the main street with two gentlemen, with certainty, any investors and I groaned. It couldn't be true, Tom too?! I would have liked to run away with Charlotte, for fear that the whole thing would now be exposed but he was ignoring us, had only eyes for the wealthy looking people next to Mr Heywood. I turned my head and watched Howard slowly following us out of the shadow of the houses. He looked like someone who had played poker but was then surprisingly beaten by someone else and I must say that it was Charlotte who had ruined the game for him filled me with immense pride. She was a hell of a woman!<br/>"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?" Tom asked cheerfully. For the first time, I was glad of his superficiality and ignorance of everyone and everything that was happening around him, for he didn't comment on Charlotte hanging on my arm as if we were a couple. Oh wait! We WERE!! At least according to her. Ha!! I noticed I was smiling again, or still? I don't know. Fortunately, Mr Heywood took over the introductions, probably noticing that I was too busy grinning like an idiot and… all right…  I don’t want to bother you with that.<br/>"Allow me to introduce my aunt, Mrs Denham."<br/>"Lady Denham." she said, but Mr Heywood only smiled, as if he enjoyed her reaction.<br/>"And her son," he expanded the word, "Mr Edward Denham."<br/>Tom greeted them both enthusiastically, didn't let Mr Heywood finish, bowed, introduced himself as the visionary of Sanditon than the gentleman at his side, pulled Howard to him and introduced him as a business partner and friend. I just shook my head at how incredibly stupid my brother was. Hadn’t I warned him about that man? On the other hand, I was really glad that Tom was here, because as soon as he heard the word lady, I could see the pound notes flashing in his eyes and he would annoy this lady so much that she hopefully would leave Charlotte alone. Tom offered her his arm, which she refused, but talked to her anyway, pointed to the terraces, the promenade, down to the sea and introduced her to the doctor, who, with an unreadable expression, told her what healing treatments he and my brother had planned for Sanditon to make it a similar place to Bath. Howard was again the friendliest gentleman with a charming smile, even though it got him nothing but a disapproving look from the old woman, but he got nice words from the gentleman who listened to him impressed. He seemed better suited for the task to win people over without annoying them, unlike the Tom with his overblown behaviour and talking so loud that people on the other side of the street would also hear the praise of his town, and his project and his ideas.<br/>But this was so… anyway, I had to think about this later, more important things were on my mind or on my arm. Charlotte and I stood rooted to the spot. Mr Heywood looked at us with a furrowed brow, but his look seemed more questioning than reproving and then he walked behind Tom and the others at a reasonable distance, his head bent forward in thought. We walked slowly behind as if we were just a group of people, interested in the things Tom was saying without being asked. I was happy, Charlotte on my arm felt so right, but I could still feel her tension. Her whole side pressed against mine and it felt just as good as I had imagined, but I still had this feeling in my neck, I didn't want to turn around, I knew Denham was walking behind us. I was aware, for him and the aunt Charlotte had introduced me as her fiancé. At this word my heart lifted and then swung back again. I know it wasn't the best reason to get engaged, but I really doubted she would have done it so spontaneously if it hadn't been in her head. After our conversation, she must have thought about what it would mean if I courted her, what it would lead to in the end, if we get along. So she must have thought about it, about us. On the other hand, she seemed so calm and self-confident at that moment as she said it, that it didn't indicate spontaneity. Could I dare to hope that she had thought about it BEFORE and had already come to terms with the fact that it would happen? Could it really be? I chuckled with joy, sorry but I couldn't suppress it. I looked at her and she had her gaze fixed forward on her father's back, she was thinking. I hoped she wasn't worried. I had a good feeling and wished she would really feel the same. I lowered my head so that she must have noticed I was looking at her, but I didn't get anything except a little intimidated look. She seemed as if she was… ashamed? Was she thinking it wasn’t fine with me? Oh, I would show her, that it was totally fine with me! In my head played a few scenarios where I showed her in this or another way how much I liked the idea to be engaged with her… but before it was getting too… you know.. I cleared my throat and tried to get her attention.<br/>"It's fine." I assured her and in response she loosened her grip on my jacket sleeve a little, but left her hand where it was and that alone made me incredibly happy and warm.</p>
<p>"I'm afraid I have to say goodbye." Howard seemed a bit in a hurry to get away, but Tom engaged him more in the conversation and Howard complied, went to the edge of the dune and pointed to the sea, the bathing machines and Tom meanwhile continued to talk to the people involved. I was probably so befuddled by my feelings for Charlotte that I somehow lost interest in what happened with Howard, why he had tried to provoke me and insulted Charlotte, why he was always looking back to the apartment building and that Tom had found in him a partner, but I didn't care at that moment, I would also think about that later. I hoped the Denham’s would just disappear, so Charlotte and I, WE could talk. I looked down at her and I felt that she would be happy about that, too. Her eyes were alive jumping from one face to the other, including mine and I watched her, her hands, her posture and her face. She had that look on her face that she had before when she introduced me to her aunt, as if she was proud to introduce me, proud to be my bride. OOHHH man! My bride. My BRIDE! She was my bride. Only now did it dawn on me what she had said. I was her fiancé, so she was my fiancée. We were engaged, even though we weren't really yet, I hadn't had a chance to ask her, but still. In front of the witnesses who were there, we were. If it was as she said, she was my bride, and a bride is what would walk down the aisle to marry me. Me. Yes ME! At least I would do everything I could to make it happen. My heart hammered in my chest and I opened my mouth to say something, but she interrupted again. <br/>"Later." it felt like a romantic promise and not as an inevitable serious conversation. I smirked by the thought that it sounded like a promise of a secret meeting in the dark, as if we were two lovers, desperate to meet each other unseen. but we weren’t we were an engaged couple! Ha, ha! I couldn’t believe my luck, I just hoped she wouldn’t take it back because she only said it to annoy the aunt. Suddenly worried I looked at her and our eyes met. Even if you call me crazy, I swear in this moment I had a little memory of one of my dreams, no not THIS dream, the dream in the flowers, where she looked at me exactly the same way like in this moment before she playfully ran off so I could follow her. I felt in my heart that this was some kind of truth, I know I know, you think I’m a silly smitten man, but so it was and her eyes seemed to glisten.</p>
<p>Then a crack. A loud crack, a deafening crackling sound and the next moment there was a thump and a squeak. It came from behind us and I threw myself protectively around Charlotte as the cloud of dust enveloped us. A dull feeling surrounded me. I felt her gasping for breath pressed against my chest. I held her in a tight grip around her shoulders one hand at her head, I noticed her hair felt like silk and she was shaking, but nothing would happen to her! <br/>I was back on the ship with her in my arms. It was suddenly cold and the storm was crashing over us, the waves craving our bodies, the cold tide would swallow us up and the cold sea would crush us, the ship around us burst into a thousand pieces, splinters of wood stabbed my skin. It was so cold! I would not let her go, never! NEVER! An unspeakable fear of losing her came over me and I pulled her tighter to me, I couldn't lose her! No, no, not on that damn ship! I had to take care of her, never let her go, never. NEVER!</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. thinking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What happened? Is anyone hurt, where are Tom and Howard, and what about the Heywood's?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Like I promised... here the next chapter, I really hope to find time on the weekend to write the next, but can't promise anything.</p>
<p>I'm not saying it's historically accurate, but I've read a lot about what was allowed in society and I imagined the situation at the beginning in Regency England 1820 and that led to the end...</p>
<p>Enjoy your weekend!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Hey." Charlotte looked me in the eye, her eyes huge and filled with mortal fear, but the look changed. It was soft, I felt warmth on my face and suddenly, I was back in reality. I felt the wooden panels of the promenade beneath me, the light breeze around us, her body pressed against mine. I heard people shouting, shrieking, in the corner of my eye I recognised people running around and the fiercest of all, her gentle fingers on my skin. Wait… what? Her FINGERS on my SKIN? I heard myself gasp and as if she was only aware of what she was doing after my outburst of emotions, she lowered her hand from my cheek. Slowly, it was more a caress than a quick pull away of the hand. Oh damn shit, I HAVE to kiss her. NOW. <br/>"Are you all right?" she asked and her voice was a little husky I nodded and asked her the same, her breath tickled my mouth as she answered with a small yes. Our eyes stayed locked for a moment longer, I wanted to kiss her so badly; I can’t tell you how much! Suddenly I realised, we weren’t alone, what we were doing or more what I almost did! I let go of her, reluctantly but still, I stepped back and felt the urge to apologise, even when I didn’t wanted to apologise because it was something I would do over and over again. I saw her eyes widen in shock and a bad feeling crept up inside, I thought she wanted me to apologise for this unseemly behaviour, but then I saw her gaze shifted to something behind me and I turned around. The balcony under which I would have liked to pull Charlotte earlier had crashed down. Above this disaster I saw Mr Stringer standing against the open wall of the house, staring down in shock. Wood was still creaking and people were coughing. Then suddenly I heard someone screaming for help and was about to run in that direction when I turned to Charlotte, not wanting to leave her alone with the Denham’s and Howard and the odd situation she had found me in. I needed to explain to her what had just happened to me, that this sound of wood shattering was the worst for me. Not only for what had happened on this ship, but deep down I also imagined it as the sound of breaking hearts, I hoped it wasn’t a bad omen.<br/>"Go on, someone needs help." Charlotte said and I felt her hand on my arm.<br/>"All right." I stayed where I was.<br/>"I'll take Papa home." We nodded and after another moment starring in each other’s eyes, she turned to her father who was staring in shock, like everyone else, at the house that had just buried the part we had been standing on a few minutes ago. I turned to run to the one who needed help as I slammed in someone, it was Edward, but he pushed me aside and run to the others, but Charlotte ignored him. She talked to her father and looked back over her shoulder to me, I recognised her small smile.</p>
<p>Then I concentrated on what I was going to do and blocked out everything that had happened, including the fact that Tom and Howard were nowhere to be seen. As I ran, I took off my coat and I could already see the workers from the construction site running out of the house. Without much talking, we lifted the metre-long beams that reminded me of the mast that had almost killed me, but I suppressed the memory. I heard the agonising crying of a man and Dr Fuchs standing there with his arms up, calling for a cart. We helped together and after a short time, we had freed the man, it was Mr Stringer senior, his leg did not look good. Some workers turned away at the sight. His son came running out of the house and cried I tried to help him to put his father on a handcart that came from somewhere. <br/>"We'll bring him to my house." Dr Fuchs called out, looking at me and nodding.<br/>"Is anyone else hurt?" I asked, my heart beating calmly, I took it all in and realised that it was probably just the one balcony that had fallen and taken part of the building's façade with it. <br/>"No!" someone cried. "Maybe inside!"<br/>I passed on the task of registering the damage so that we would know how much damage had been done and how long it needed to rebuild. The workers had quickly organised themselves and were clearing away the debris. I noticed that Howard's workers were also there and one of them was bleeding at his forehead, he shouted:<br/>"Where are the bosses? Why aren't they here, but you are, who has nothing to do with us?"<br/>I didn’t answer but told him to take care of himself and sent him to Dr Fuchs’ house. I remembered that Tom and Howard had disappeared as if it was none of their business what was happening here. I turned to the dune and saw that the investors and the Denham's had also left. I wanted to go to Charlotte, hoping that her father was fine, that the aunt would leave her alone, but of course I had to make sure that everything was all right and that no one else was hurt. She looked at me with a light smile and then went on with her father, I watched them leaving.<br/>"We should check if the rest is stable," said one of the workers and I instructed him to check with a partner. I helped clear the rubble away for a while so that it was safe to enter the apartments and I imagined the most horrible things that could have happened if we had stayed here just a little while longer. The thought of Charlotte being buried under all the wood and stone made me freeze. I was getting sick, by the thought that anything would happen to her, this was something I couldn’t get out of my head anymore. She needed to be safe nothing else mattered.<br/>"Go home, sir, we'll be fine." The second foreman told me and I nodded, thinking of Tom who had just left instead of helping his men. He was so selfish and the most insensitive person I knew, maybe except or Howard, but how could they leave? I said my goodbyes to the workers and told them they should come to us as soon as they knew anything. I grabbed my coat and walked quickly to Trafalgar House as I saw Howard talking to the greengrocer's wife, she had given her cart to transport Mr Stringer and now Howard was helping her with the vegetables. I thought I couldn’t believe my eyes, but I walked home, I would think about Howard, but just… later. I ran to Trafalgar house; found Tom sitting on the sofa in his room with his head buried in his hands, letting Mary comfort him. She asked me what had happened and I told her succinctly. <br/>"Tom, where did you go? You should have helped!" I yelled and angrily threw my coat at him. He only spoke after I had asked him three more times.<br/>"The investors, they said they wouldn't invest in that kind of shoddy, cobbled-together rubbish!" he shouted, crying at the top of his voice as if he was lamenting about someone’s dead.<br/>"Tom!"<br/>"They are at the hotel waiting for their carriage, they’ll leave, I couldn't stop them!" he cried and although I didn't feel sorry for him, I tried to calm him down.<br/>"You will find others."<br/>"But what's the cost! How much is it?" he asked me, clinging to my arm like he was drowning. This wasn't normal he was overreacting. Luckily only one man was hurt, that should be his main concern! Selfish bastard, only thinking about costs and investors!<br/>"How much?" he shrieked almost hysterically.<br/>"We don't know yet, let the people do their work, I think we'll know more tonight." I waited but he didn't even ask if anyone was hurt and although Mary asked me that, I didn't look at her.<br/>"TOM!" I shouted, he looked at me as if he had been startled out of a dream.<br/>"Mr Stringer is hurt!"<br/>"Oh." again it was Mary asking how hard and how horrible this was, but I wanted a reaction from Tom. What was wrong with him?<br/>"Don’t you have more to say than that?" I asked incredulously and Tom just buried his face in his hands and cried, I looked at Mary who jumped up.<br/>"I’m going to get him something." apparently not alcohol, because she ran out of the room, up the stairs.<br/>"Tom! What’s wrong with you?"<br/>"The costs!"<br/>"I told you, we don't know yet, and besides, the insurance will cover it."<br/>He stared at me and looked away and I knew it, I just KNEW it.<br/>"Tom! Don't you have insurance?"<br/>He shook his head mutely and it suddenly occurred to me that Howard must have talked him out of it; he must have been responsible for the whole incident. I told him so, but Tom whined, "But no, Howard kept telling me to do it, that it was important! But I didn’t."<br/>I didn't know what to think anymore and put it off until… later, I needed a clear head to think carefully, but first I had to find out what was going on with Mr Stringer. I asked Tom to come with me, but he just sat there and, as so often, felt sorry for himself.</p>
<p>I realized that helping cleaning up the scene of the accident and discussing with Tom had taken longer than I had expected, because when I got back on the street, I could feel the cool air and it must soon be afternoon. I hurried into the street and knocked on Dr Fuchs' door, but no one answered I let my gaze wander around and stopped at the Heywood’s' house and I hurried over, suddenly worried that Mr Heywood was unwell, but fortunately he was well, apart from his tired appearance and his worried looking face as we looked at each other as I entered the living room. Charlotte watched me with the same expression on her face but smiled a little.<br/>"Mr Stringer is doing well, Dr Fuchs came to check on me a while ago," Mr Heywood explained and asked me to sit down.<br/>"Thank God!" I sighed and dropped into a chair, only now realising how exhausted I was.<br/>"You're hurt!" Charlotte shouted and suddenly she stood next to me and grabbed my left arm. Her touch burned my skin and ran up to my shoulder. I must have forgotten to breathe for a moment, because suddenly my lungs constricted and I inhaled heavily. As I did so, I breathed in the scent she was emitting and I must have been a little clouded, because I leaned a bit closer, but she leaned away and lowered her gaze.<br/>"It’s not my blood." My voice was raspy voice and only then did I realise, she touched my skin! So at some point I had probably rolled up my sleeves so she could touch me and see my scar, but it didn't seem to frighten her, for her look was neither disgusted nor full of pity, it was just kind and curious. She touched my forearm and we both let out a breath as we realised what she was doing, she withdrew her hand as if she had burned her fingers and looked away. <br/>"It’s all right." I assured her and rolled down my sleeve and I had to swallow.<br/>"I know you have other things to worry about right now, but I'd like to talk to you two." Her father said quietly and only then did I remember that he was also in the room.<br/>"I would like to know..." he gestured back and forth between Charlotte and me.<br/>What could I say? It was her idea to call me her fiancé, yes, my heart lifted again at the word, yet I didn't want her father to think anything bad. I looked at Charlotte.<br/>"I don't mean why Charlotte introduced you as her fiancé," he laughed shortly, "I mean just the look on their faces alone was worth THAT, but it was the only way."<br/>"What do you mean with that?"<br/>"Charlotte will explain..." he stood up and pointed to Charlotte. <br/>"Mr Parker, I have to apologise." She began but I just shook my head, I was speechless at the look on her face and I hoped that she wouldn't continue to distract me with her long neck, which I wanted to stroke with my fingers every time I saw her tilted her head like that.<br/>"I was scared when I saw those two standing there." <br/>"I hate Denham for scaring you." I pressed out, "What has threatened to do to you?"<br/>"Us." She explained quietly and I could only think one word. Us. Us. US.<br/>"For one thing, they planned to ruin her reputation," Mr Heywood told me, "so no one wants her and she has to marry him." <br/>I was seething with anger and almost couldn't hold on any longer. <br/>"I wouldn't have let him do that!" I said quite loud, my voice was trembling "I would have hit him if he had said anything!" <br/>I couldn't sit there, I got up and wandered to the window, I had to try to control myself, I didn't want them to be scared of me because my anger got the upper hand.<br/>"I was afraid of that too," she muttered, I turned, was she afraid of me? That I was dangerous?<br/>"Because of me?" hell no, that was the last thing I wanted!<br/>"No, that he would use this to..." <br/>"To what?"<br/>"To challenge you to a duel." her father answered.<br/>"Duel?" That was ridiculous!<br/>"He did it many times before and had survived every time, and..." <br/>Charlotte stood up too, but as she didn't know where to go, she sat down again. I was too shocked to say something. A duel? Really?<br/>"I couldn't let that happen." she grumbled, her tone was kind of stubborn and passionate. "It made me sick just the thought I could lo..." she shook her head and in mine I finished her sentence… lose you....?! Oh really, did she felt this way, for me? I imagined it was her way to tell me that she cared for me, but maybe I was just too confused to think straight.<br/>"I thought he couldn't do it if we were engaged and well..." then she bit her lip and turned her face to the table in front of her, as if the answer lay there. <br/>"I'm sorry." she began again, but then improved, "No." she lifted her chin, "no, I'm not." The stubborn look on her face was back, a little wrinkle between her eyes and I was smiling; I liked that she didn’t regret what she had said.<br/>"I thank you for saving my life, Miss Heywood, I’m not good in shooting." I tried to make her smile, but she didn’t.<br/>"But I assure you, it won't change anything..." I wanted to say more, but I had suddenly forgotten everything, because I just realised what she had just confessed, I walked to her and sat down on the place next to her.<br/>"What do you mean?" her voice was just a breath, like the light wind blowing outside, but her eyes, damn, her eyes were doing things to me. I was about to say the words, yes that's right, THE WORDS, but I didn't. Maybe if she hadn't lowered her gaze... I dared to put my hand on hers to give her strength and me too. Charlotte stared at them as I assured her. <br/>"First we get to know each other and then you decide."<br/>I wanted her to want me, not because she was in any way forced to or because she wanted to protect me. I looked at her secretly; she didn't notice me watching her. As little as she shook her head, it could have been my imagination, but I just took it, as I understood it at that moment. Charlotte rejected that she had a way out of the engagement. At least I thought so; I was so happy that she wouldn’t take it back.<br/>"Thank you Mr Parker." <br/>I wasn't sure exactly what she was thanking me for, I just smiled. Again there was a silence and I felt light as suddenly her father cleared his throat, we were startled, we had probably both forgotten that he was in the room with us, at his face I saw that the hard part was coming. <br/>"I know you have other things to think about now and your intentions are honourable, but I’m worried."<br/>I looked at him and he continued.<br/>"I mean this display of affection... it is very serious." <br/>What? Oooh, shit, had he described her concern for me as an expression of affection? Apparently I made a pleased impression because he smiled kindly at me, but then explained:<br/>"I mean the hugging earlier." <br/>Oh yes, damn it! Not that I'd forgotten THAT, but well, I guess I'd forgotten that we hadn't been alone then.<br/>"I'm sorry," I began and stood up "I... I heard the crash and I was afraid something would happen to her." I looked at Charlotte sitting there and her eyes were so dark and full of… damn what was that with her eyes?<br/>"I realise that," Mr Heywood said, looking at his daughter then back at me, "but you know that tends to make people... talk."<br/>Silence. It stretched, what was he trying to say?<br/>"Forgive me." I turned to Charlotte and told her that I was really sorry, she shook her head and then tilted it again, which didn't help me at all to stay calm. I knew there was something more and I just couldn’t think about what, my head was full of so many things and what had happened and all the feelings, I couldn’t think straight. Mr Heywood sighed.<br/>"What is it?" I asked him, my heart slammed against my ribs.<br/>"You hugged very tight in front of all this people who ran to help… she touched your face." He watched his daughter, I followed his gaze and her cheeks were dark red. "And… it looked like you were about to…"<br/>My face flashed back to him. <br/>"What?"<br/>"It looked like you wanted to kiss her." <br/>Oooh shit!<br/>"No, of course not!" <br/>Yes, yes it was exactly the point, but I just had forgotten we weren’t alone… and not on the ship. Shit! But did people really look at us in that moment instead of trying to help others?<br/>"My aunt reminded me that Charlotte’s reputation would be ruined after an affair with you."<br/>"I would never let that happen!" Oh damn, that was the last thing I wanted, I looked at Mr Heywood and he had a very serious expression on his face. "Nothing is further from my mind." <br/>He nodded, sat down on his chair and watched me as if he tried to look inside my head.<br/>"My aunt said, that after displaying your feelings for each other so bluntly, she would advise me to let you marry quickly."<br/>Oooh oooh!<br/>"I'm not quite sure if she's trying to put pressure on us, if she doesn't believe the whole thing, or only wants Charlotte to break the engagement." <br/>Oooh nooo! Please noo, Charlotte no!<br/>"What are we doing now?" I dared to ask, but I knew what that meant, it hurt in my chest, I could hardly remember to breathe. <br/>"You two have to think about it." He said and his voice had a strange tone, I couldn’t interpret, I was tired out of the sudden and I watched him leaving the room and closing the door behind him.</p>
<p>"I did." Charlotte said and her small voice did not allow any conclusions how she really felt, if her heart was beating hurtful in her chest like mine, if she was indifferent or happy against all odds. I was unable to look at her; I couldn’t look into her eyes, when she would say the words, when she would break my heart, when my world would collapse like the balcony. <br/>I wasn’t sure if I should be devastated that I was the one that forced Charlotte to this fate I never wanted for her or the happiest man of the world as she said. "We will marry."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. more than three words</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney has many feelings and more then three words in his heart and mind....</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you like this chapter as much as I do! I was a wreck too...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The stormy night swallowed me. Tugged at my insides, the burning pain in my chest. The whirlpool of water that dragged me down became the images of the last twenty-four hours. Charlotte's sadness, her trembling and crying, her despair, guilt and loneliness. Her father slumped in my arms, threatening to die and calling for his daughter. The water that sucked me to the sandy beach. The wood bursting and kicking up debris and dust. The blood, screams, the nasty grin of Howard, the desperation of my brother, the threat of Denham. Images of debris mixed with memories of the deadly storm. Panic and fear of losing her. Charlotte’s head against my chest, the deep look in her eyes. Her smile as she gave me her permission as the sun broke through the clouds. The strength she radiated and passed on to me. The maelstrom sucked me deeper, my heart burned, my lungs gasped for air violently and yet gentleness lay down on me at the words she breathed. "We will marry."<br/>
And I broke through the surface.<br/>
"Charlotte."<br/>
She had given me so much and I? Yes, yes, all right I had asked her permission and made plans in jest with her father. This had perhaps only shown her an inadequate picture of what I really had in mind, but SHE? She gave me her trust when she had confessed her fears to me, her feelings about her parents. She had noticed that I had listened to her that made her come to the conclusion that she could marry me, even though it wasn't much that was enough. It was enough for her. Was she in love with me? Or just grateful, connected out of friendship? Was she doing it for her father, out of concern for his health or for... us? I had not wanted to crush her with my feelings, to force her with words of affection, but perhaps she needed exactly THIS assurance of my feelings so that she could open up to me completely and give me hers. Suddenly it became clear to me: her shy smiles, her blushing, every touch and every look flooded into my head. There was something from the beginning, from our first meeting and I didn't notice it, I didn't want to believe it! The signs were there, but I was blind, had closed myself off to the possibility. Her first smile, which had caught me immediately, cold and unexpectedly, HEAVENS it had burned straight to my heart. Her pressing against me, clinging to my arm and her hand on my cheek, on my skin! The truth I had already realised in my dreams, it was all true, she was true, her feelings for me! For fucking sake, SHE could imagine marrying me. ME! And for real and even before we knew each other better! Charlotte had told me through her gestures and her words, she wanted to protect me, no matter what the consequences! She had feelings for me, was maybe even in love with me! Good god! I thought my heart would burst. I had to tell her how I felt about her. That my heart was overflowing with love for her, that I had never felt this way before, had never expected it, had never waited for it or dared to hope for it, and that's why it had blown me away and left me speechless. I had to tell her that she had brought me back to life, that as little as we had met so far had already done that and that I never wanted to be without her again. Charlotte had to know what power she had over me, what faith I had in her. I trusted her with my heart, my love and also my life. She had to know what she meant to me, she owned my heart, my whole being. I didn't want to exist another day without her, I loved her so fiercely, it hurt so much in my chest, the words I had kept to myself until now. I had to tell her.<br/>
"Charlotte." I looked at her breathlessly.<br/>
Charlotte was my salvation, she didn't even know it, but through her I found my way back to life, back to reality, back to love! Not only before, when she had brought me back from my memories, but so often in my dreams she had saved me from the worst. Her words were a gift. To me, to our future. I didn't know it was possible, but I loved her even more.<br/>
A quick glance at me, then she jumped up.<br/>
"I know you need to think, but I've been thinking for the last three hours while you've been rescuing people and clearing the debris!"<br/>
Her words rushed out of her mouth, I had never seen her so flustered.<br/>
"Charlotte." Her name felt so right on my tongue, it was a truth. Suddenly I was safe again. It was like I was back on land after a storm on the ocean, I had my footing again. I walked towards her but she avoided my gaze, hurrying towards the window as if suddenly confronted with the consequences of her words.<br/>
"I thank you for not pushing me, for giving me the choice... for letting me decide!" I voice was low and yet shrill.<br/>
"I thank you for letting me choose, for giving me time for it to happen the way I want it to. It shows how much... what kind of man you are. But you also need to think about what YOU want."<br/>
She held onto the windowsill and turned her face away as I approached. I let her finish; she needed to get it off her chest before she was able to listen to me.<br/>
"YOU have to think about whether you really want to be tied to me, day in and day out and…"</p>
<p>"I don't have to think about it." My voice was clear and dark.<br/>
Charlotte fell silent, but was still looking away. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, but I was not afraid, I was no longer afraid, I was sure of it! I would offer her my heart, whatever she would do with it afterwards.<br/>
"Every day I wake up knowing that for the rest of my life I want to wake up next to you."<br/>
I heard her take a deep breath.<br/>
"I wish to hold you in my arms in the morning when the day awakens, when I go to bed with you in the evening."<br/>
Her cheek turned red.<br/>
"When we go to sleep." I explained and took another step closer.<br/>
"I want to hold you. I want you to tell me your dreams, your worries; I want you to share your pain with me. I want to hear your opinion, your thoughts, your wishes for the future, but most of all, I want to hear you laugh... and I want to see you smile."<br/>
She smiled, tentative and touched, but she smiled as she lowered her head.<br/>
"I want you to tell me everything if you want to and ask me everything you want to know. I want you to know me better than anyone else. To see who I am, I don't want to hide anything from you, I want you to see everything of me."<br/>
She turned her head a little to the side, so that her open hair fell in front of her face, like a curtain.<br/>
"I want you to trust me, to know that you can rely on me, that you can believe me, that you feel safe with me." I raised my hand to touch her, but lowered it again. Give her time. Give her time!<br/>
"I want to be your friend, your partner, your husband, in every way."<br/>
Here she gasped.<br/>
"I want to share my life with you."<br/>
She exhaled slowly.<br/>
"I wish that you too would want to grow old with me."<br/>
I took one step and stood right next to her.<br/>
"I want to give you everything you need and more."<br/>
I placed my hand on the windowsill next to hers, my finger tickled.<br/>
"I will give you as much time and freedom as you ask for, everything will happen at your pace, I will be happy if you allow me to hold your hand."<br/>
I took her right hand, it was cold and soft and it took the length of a breath for her to increase her pressure as well. I wished she would turn to me, but I wanted to prove to her that I meant what I said. All at her pace. I slowly stroked the back of her hand with my thumb. I heard her breath catch, saw a tear roll down her cheek as she slowly turned her face in my direction. My own disturbed my vision. When the hell did I turn into a crybaby?<br/>
"I want you to know that I respect you and your wishes."<br/>
She exhaled slowly.<br/>
"I want to be there for you, I want you to know that there is nothing more important to me than your happiness, than YOU." Oh man, why can’t she say anything? Well maybe she wasn’t able to do so, I saw another tear rolled down her cheek and I could hardly see straight, I starred at her hand that I held tightly with both of mine.<br/>
"I don't want you to feel obliged to do anything you don't really want to do. You are important to me."<br/>
I stroked her hand again and moved a little closer.<br/>
"I want to protect you, as you protect me."<br/>
Finally she smiled a little.<br/>
"Love you the way you deserve."<br/>
She breathed with her mouth open, but still did not look at me.<br/>
"The connection with you, to marry you is my deepest wish, the greatest would be when you call me yours."<br/>
Nothing. She didn't move.<br/>
"I wish you would love me back someday, but until then, I'm happy to be near you."<br/>
I loosened my grip on her hand; suddenly aware that I was holding it quite tightly, and the next moment it slipped out of the cage of my hands. A pain pierced me, a pleading pain in my chest. I looked at my empty hands to see if it was really true that she had withdrawn her hand from me. Then I felt warmth in front of my face, my head jerked up. Her hand that had just been in mine hovered in front of me and in the next moment was on my face. I closed my eyes as she touched me as tenderly as if I were made of fragile glass. I heard us both take a deep breath. I put my hand on hers to make sure it was really there on my scarred skin. With the other hand I blindly reached for hers, which was still lying on the windowsill. We both made a strange noise, a mixture of breathing and laughing. I put my hand on her cheek too. She took a shaky breath, she felt like me. She felt like me! Could it be true? Was it possible that she really felt the same? I could hardly believe my happiness. I wiped her tears away with my thumb. Then she smiled and I leaned closer. But then I knew it wasn't over yet. I moved away from Charlotte, she looked at me with her big eyes questioningly.<br/>
"Let me do it right." Oh man I was myself again. Confident and I felt strong, able to do anything I wanted. I thought I could own the world, I know it sounds arrogant but she MADE me feel so… I don’t know.. I was standing above all things. I was happy and proud to be the man she wanted to marry. I knelt down, grabbed her hands, she sucked in the air. I must say it was quite a sublime feeling that I was causing it… that she was so breathless because of me! I mean I AM man enough to admit that she has the same power over me. To make me breathless, I was sure she was happy to see me like that. All wrung out, nervous and off track. I didn't know where I got it from, but a knowledge came over me that she would get a kick out of what a nervous wreck I was, maybe not immediately, but eventually she would tease me about it. </p>
<p>"Miss Heywood… Charlotte," she beamed, it was the most beautiful smile I have ever seen and it tingled in my heart.<br/>
"YOU are everything to me."<br/>
She sucked her lips into her mouth. And my voice was strong and confident as I felt at the sight of her.<br/>
"Will you make me the honour to complete me and becoming my wife?"<br/>
Charlotte smiled and cried at the same moment.<br/>
"Yes."<br/>
So simple.<br/>
I stood up. Her eyes never left mine. I wanted to hug and kiss her, to press myself against her and immediately show her my love with gestures… with my lips and hands, but I held back. I could feel the heat between us as I leaned a bit closer, two overpowering forces collided - but like a ship entering a harbour, slowly and gently. Her breath tickled my face. I felt heavy and free at the same time, relieved and full of energy. My forehead was heavy, as if hers had sucked it in, and then I laid it down on hers. The touch of our skin was overwhelming, so close. I felt like the ship docked in the harbour, she was my harbour. I was home. At last.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. agreements</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A little sweet fluff before Sidney has to take care of everything that's going on...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I wish you all a great long weekend!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We stood there. For a while, I don't know exactly how long, but it felt like it was perfectly fine. Neither she nor I wanted to get away; it was more like we wanted to get even closer. Her hand slipped a little from my cheek, as slowly as before on the promenade, but this time she ran her finger gently over the stubble on my jaw. I heard the slight scratching and I felt her smile. My thumb gently stroked the corner of her mouth as if it were its own will. Charlotte gasped and I slid my hand into her silky hair. She breathed in short bursts and her fingers tickled the spot under my jaw, above my tie, and I can't tell you what that touch alone did to me! No, not what you think... but it tickled and the urge to kiss her grew stronger and stronger. And even though I assumed that she had never been kissed before, I had the vague feeling that she wanted to, because she moved… only minimal, but her little nose touched my cheek it was completely cold. I then also stroked her warm cheek with my nose. I would have loved to look at her, but then I would have had to move away and there was no way I was going to do that! Slowly, I pushed my temple against hers. Cheek to cheek, we stood there, trying to calm our breathing. I whispered her name and in response, she increased the pressure of her fingers on my neck. My lips tingled from the touch of her skin and I couldn't help pressing them against the soft skin of her cheek. In response she pressed her face harder against mine and honestly I’ve never been so nervous before a kiss, not even my very first. I felt my heart slamming against my chest in powerful thrusts. I slowly pulled away, I wanted to look at her before I did it, and I wanted to look into her eyes, because afterwards it would never be the same as it was at that moment. I wanted her to be aware of it, and also to give me permission to do it. Only I couldn't pull away completely, my lips stayed on her skin, as if they were urged never to leave her. I was so warm and her slender body a foot's length away seemed hot as a furnace, yet I wanted her closer. My hand reached for her waist and I heard her make a sighing sound. God, she was really like me! Only with effort I managed to move my head away from her face and I searched for her gaze. Those eyes, just amazing... I don't know, I could have looked into them for hours; it was like looking into her soul. For HEAVENS sake, when did I turn into a poet? Shit, really, I almost felt embarrassed... well, not really. Suddenly I could see everything. Her uncertainty, the tears glistening of overwhelming feelings. Very slowly, as if I wanted to trace her face with my eyes, I let my gaze drip onto her lips. She opened them slightly to catch her breath. Then I looked back into her eyes, tightened my grip on her waist and then began the journey again. Her breath quickened and I leaned closer as my eyes looked into hers. I felt the pressure of her fingers on my neck and I strengthened mine in her hair. Her breath tickled my lips it was intermittent. I closed my eyes when our lips almost touched, but Charlotte put her face on my cheek and breathed heavily. I bit my lip, shit! It was too soon; I’d better restrain myself. It was all so new to her! Idiot! I strengthened my hold on her anyway and pressed my face against hers, she should know that I could also just hold her.</p>
<p>"Please forgive me." I begged her in a soft voice and I heard her giggle. She pushed her fingers down my neck and only now did I feel her other hand on my chest. So she could have pushed me away, but instead she pressed herself against me.<br/>
"That’s what I wanted to say,” she whispered.<br/>
"No, no Charlotte, all in your own time."<br/>
I was convinced that she had heard and understood everything I said before and that I meant it, but I was so GGGRRR... I clawed my fingers into the fabric of her dress. I thought she was going to push me away this time, but she did not and a moment later she put her face to my shoulder and slid her arm around my back. I let her silky curls slide through my fingers and then I travel both my hands down her back.<br/>
"I’m not ready yet.,” she admitted and the way she said it... with such a crack in her voice. She was... I don't know how to explain it to you… I would have loved to get on my knees once more and at the same time I would have loved to grab her and kiss her senseless so she would knew how I felt about her. Holy shit, how was I supposed to survive this in the future? If an ALMOST kiss already triggered this physical reaction - no not THIS... but well I was already pretty warm... to be honest, I was on fire!!<br/>
"I meant what I said." I assured her.<br/>
Charlotte had to know I wouldn't push her into anything, although it was quite hard to control myself. She triggered something in me... it wasn't just desire, but a NEED… like breathing. Really, I don't know... I mean we had just found each other, we would have time for all the other things forever, but yes... patience was not a virtue of mine in this particular case.<br/>
"Thank you." it was just a soft whisper and I felt like I had to take the heaviness off us and confessed with a chuckle.<br/>
"Although it will be hard."<br/>
She said nothing, but stayed where she was... should I dare, should I reveal more to her? No better not... but my mouth took over.<br/>
"That’s something else... I wish… for quite some time." Whew, now it was out... SHIT!! should I not have said it? But she stayed where she was and if I noticed it right, she spread her fingers on my back. And I pressed my face into her hair. I couldn't think clearly when we were standing so close. I would probably tell her about my dreams soon and well; maybe I shouldn't really do that.<br/>
"Shall we tell your father?" I asked after a while and she nodded at my shoulder, but made no move to detach herself from me and so I had to take on this difficult task... oh man, GUYS, really what was going on? I was glued to her... not that I wanted to complain, but honestly... everything was tough and I didn't really manage it… but eventually I did and I looked at her beautiful face. She was still smiling so... sweet and excited, she was really some you would go down on your knees over and over again. I took both of her hands in mine and brought them to my mouth and kissed first the right, then the left. As I did so, I looked at her and her eyes somehow softened? I heard nothing but her breathing and…. the door.</p>
<p>"Oh." it was her father and I straightened up. We looked at him. I was grinning like a complete idiot but I didn't care. He knew anyway.<br/>
"Is that what I hope it is?" he asked, holding onto the back of a chair.<br/>
"Yes Papa." said Charlotte and I heard her joy in her voice and my heart lifted and danced around... shit this was really not a good state I was in, all oooh and wowowowowow! But man I never wanted to feel anything but exactly THIS!<br/>
Her father closed his eyes and pressed his right hand to his chest. For a moment I feared the worst, coupled with the loss of her hands, as she rushed to him. Without further ado, she hugged him and he hugged her back and I had to swallow for a moment, because I missed my father extremely at that moment, he would have been happy for me to have a woman like Charlotte at my side for the rest of my life I was sure of it.<br/>
"My dear son!" called me Mr Heywood and I went to him. I gave him my hand, which he took with both of his. He shook his head with a grin, as if he wanted to scold me - rightly - for the delay.<br/>
"I'm so glad." he looked me in the eye and then at Charlotte. "Let's sit down."<br/>
Charlotte looked at me for a moment and I followed her to the sofa. And even though we were now engaged, we both kept the appropriate distance, at least with our bodies. As if we had admitted to a secret sign, we both put our hands next to us on the sofa and our fingers almost touched. It was a strangely precious moment and it was delightful not to touch and yet to know that she wanted it just as much as I did.<br/>
"I know you have other things on your mind now, but of course we have to discuss the unromantic side of this connection."<br/>
I looked at Charlotte and her smile faded; I didn't want to think about it either.<br/>
"Can't we wait a little longer?" I asked.<br/>
"Well then, the simplest things first," Mr Heywood explained, "When do we announce it officially? Well I mean for one thing when do you tell your family?" He looked at me for a moment and then went on to talk about what we now had to think about "although I'm not a fan of it, but we should announce it in the papers and one question is, what facts or half-truths should we tell my aunt? When do you want the wedding to take place?"<br/>
Looking at his face, I knew he wasn't interested in a date in general, but wanted to be sure he was part of it. It brought me back from my high flight to the ground of facts at once. For all the feelings and promises to take it slow, not to let auntie force us to choose an early date, we couldn't forget one thing... that Mr Heywood's greatest wish was to be a part of it. I looked at Charlotte and she nodded, she knew as well as I did what her father was trying to tell us.<br/>
"But if we get married after only three weeks, won't she try to stir up rumours again?" she asked calmly. The idea that this aunt would do something like that made me incredibly angry.<br/>
"We really shouldn't let ourselves be influenced by what she wants or would do," I said. "I mean there are more important things to think about."<br/>
They both nodded. I looked at her father and continued to explain:<br/>
"I want you to have the wedding you want, Charlotte." her father smiled and nodded as if he was proud of me. "I think you should think about what you want and we'll calculate how much time we need to get it done."<br/>
We smiled at each other.<br/>
"That's a great idea," her father smiled contentedly and took two deep breaths. "Nevertheless, we also have to talk about the dowry and everything else that has to do with it," he looked me seriously in the eyes.<br/>
"As I have already told you, I don't want any of that, Charlotte should do what she wants with it."<br/>
Charlotte lowered her head and I just knew she was thinking about it when her father and I joked about it. I couldn't help it… I put my hand on hers and squeezed it.<br/>
"But you should know what it is and give her advice and support." he said as he stood up and prepared something to drink in the small bar. He handed the glasses to Charlotte and poured himself a glass too.<br/>
"Of course." I smiled at the two of them, completely clueless and somehow unprepared. Of course I had realised that they weren't poor, and I knew that Charlotte's inheritance also included a country estate, but I had no idea that he had already transferred everything to her and how much it really was. When Mr Heywood told me, I swallowed so hard that Charlotte could hardly keep from laughing and I stared at her and then at her father, completely shocked. When I had regained my composure, I had only one thought and I expressed it so seriously that neither of them doubted my words.<br/>
"Please don't tell my brother under any circumstances!"<br/>
"Well, luckily you're an adult, you have your own income, so he won't be part of the negotiations."<br/>
"No, and there's nothing to negotiate, Mr Heywood, please. I'm sure Charlotte can decide things for herself and…" now she turned her hand and our palms touched and HELLO?! what a feeling this was... she squeezed my hand and I lost the rest of what I wanted to say.<br/>
"All right. Nevertheless, we will go over this official marriage settlement and have your solicitor look it over."<br/>
"Hmm." I agreed, once again getting lost in Charlotte's eyes…. WHAT was that with these eyes? Damn really!<br/>
"Well then, I’d say you go home, get dressed properly and then come back for dinner?" he said amused and only now did I realize that I was sitting here disheveled, sweaty and dirty and above all without a jacket... and holding Charlotte’s hand. I stood up abruptly and agreed with him.<br/>
After Mr Heywood, my future father-in-law, YES YES !! had said goodbye to me with an incredible kind smile, Charlotte accompanied me to the hall and waited patiently until her father closed the door to the living room behind us. We said nothing, we just looked into our eyes and I took her hands and she took a step closer.<br/></p><p>
"Well, see you later, Miss Heywood." I kissed her left hand, then her right.<br/>
"Until later Mr Parker."<br/>
We smiled at each other and neither wanted to let go of the other. I stroked the backs of her hands with my thumbs and looked at those delicate little hands that lay in mine and looked as if they belonged right there. Then I felt her lean closer and I jerked in her direction as she pressed a little kiss to my cheek. We looked at each other, even though we were so close that our breaths tickled our cheeks, we didn't say anything. Our eyes stayed locked on each other and I leaned my head a little lower, she pulled a hand away from me, holding onto my upper arm. I felt her heat, she straightened up on her toes and then very light she pressed another kiss to my cheek…. right next to my mouth. She lingered with her face right next to mine and it took all the strength I had left after this day and I stroked her cheek with my lips as gently as I could. Slowly, slowly! I screamed in my head. We breathed each other in while my lips stroked her cheek… the corner of her mouth… then I felt her lips hovering in front of mine, but it wasn't a kiss, just a graze. And guys, honestly! A hot viscous mass exploded in my heart and slowly oozed all over. I couldn't move, I had never felt anything like THIS, I was almost dizzy and I was so warm all over. We stayed like that for ages but I didn’t put any pressure on her lips, I couldn’t.. it just… it was PERFECT like it was… I wouldn’t change it for nothing in the world. I thought I was going to... I don't know honestly, hell I don't know if I ever thought nothing, but at that moment I couldn't think, only FEEL. I know that's totally stupid, but that's exactly what it was like.<br/>
I waited for a moment, then I moved my lips, they touched hers very light, without any pressure, just a touch. She sank into this kiss and I felt like we became one. Charlotte sighed and I had the feeling that it was only at that moment that I REALLY understood what I was living for.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. future prospects</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney is still floating on clouds when reality slowly comes back after him, but he tries to think of only one thing....</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So enough romance... back to business. Ha ha!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Charlotte shouldn't have sighed, that was my downfall, really. A soft breathless sigh as I slowly pulled away. I didn't want to leave; I wanted to stay right where I was. Damn it and then we were supposed to wait at least three weeks before we could get married!?? I feared it would take longer, I didn't want to rush anything though, she was supposed to make all the preparations she needed, it was supposed to be an unforgettable event, but still I wanted it right away. NOW!!! Not her… I mean yes, but not in the naughty way – what do you think of me? People, you have to understand, just the thought that she would react like that every time made me crazy!!! Charlotte had sighed. It was as if it was the hardest thing for her to let me go. I couldn’t believe that someone, especially SHE would feel something like that for me. That we would feel the same for each other, it was such a special feeling like the best gift ever. I can’t find words to tell you how much this little sigh meant to me. I had never been so happy and upset at the same time. How could I keep it up for so long? <br/>At some point we were both able to let each other go or maybe it was the fact that the servant came down the stairs and I tried to be the stronger, more experienced one and said some bullshit about seeing you in a bit and she replied some nonsense about I should take my time, but we both knew we wouldn’t be able to do as we said. For a small moment I had believed I could go home, wash the dirt from the accident from my skin, get dressed walk back and dreaming of her in between, but there was no time left for that.</p>
<p>I had barely stepped out of the house when Mr Stringer came up to me, excitedly telling me about his father, the leg of his father had been fixed and if there were no gangrene he would be able to keep it, and both thanked me for pulling him out of the rubble. He tapped his hat to greet Charlotte, who then smiled at me again before closing the door. <br/>"Anyone would have done that," I said, a little embarrassed that he thanked me for that, for me it was natural to help.<br/>"We both know that's not the case," he said seriously, and of course I knew what he meant.<br/>"I'm sorry about my brother, I think he was too shocked to think straight." I lied, what else could I say? The truth, that the investors were more important to Tom? Stringer groaned, took off his hat and ran through his hair.<br/>"Mr Parker, can I speak frankly with you?" he asked, and of course I let him continue. I prepared myself for a rant about Tom and the damage they had discovered so far. <br/>"We sat down together earlier to make sure that no one else had been hurt."<br/>"And I hope that's the case?" thinking of the man with the head injuries.<br/>"A few bruises and scrapes. My father is the worst off, he was on the balcony plastering it when it happened."<br/>"I'm very sorry."<br/>"Thank you, but I didn't mean to say that..." he cleared his throat "we were sitting together talking and we all agreed that..." he looked a bit embarrassed, which wasn't usually his style, and I was scared for a moment, because I hoped they didn't want to give up their work or wanted more money, but what came next surprised me a lot.</p>
<p>When I got home I heard Tom calling for me but I didn't want to tell him anything, I wanted to keep my engagement a secret for a few hours before he would claim this news for him. I didn’t want to tell him about Mr Stringer. I had arranged to meet James the next day when he had checked all the damage his colleagues had found and could then estimate exactly how much it would cost to mend and rebuild. There would be additional costs, if they had to hire more workers to finish everything in time. Mr Stringer also had told me that Howard's workers were also pretty pissed off that both bosses had disappeared, though all Sanditon was talking about was that Tom had run away and Mr Howard had got the cart to help his injured father, who he had also visited in the meantime instead of my brother who knew him for YEARS!!! I was so pissed again, but NO! I would not get involve in THIS kind of discussion with Tom, but before I could reach the stairs he caught me. <br/>"Sidney, I need you! What took you so long?" but he didn't expect an answer and went on rambling. "What am I supposed to do now, even though I don't know what the costs are, nobody tells me HOW much!" he shouted and then he continued talking "it's going to cost something but I... what am I supposed to do?" <br/>"What do you mean Tom?" I closed my eyes for a moment and imagined Charlotte's face to keep calm; nothing would ruin my good mood, nothing!<br/>"But it's clear what I want, you have to go to London for me." What the heck? Certainly not! <br/>"Why?" I asked, even though I already knew what he wanted.<br/>"Well, I can't leave here," he explained, plopping down theatrically on the sofa as if a huge weight was resting on his shoulders.<br/>"I don't know what you mean, Tom!" I shouted a little louder, hoping Mary would come and just overhear Tom's crying.<br/>"I have to be here, the workers and the residents have to know I’m here, if I left they would think..."<br/>"That you are a coward?"<br/>"What?" he shouted upset "How can you say such a thing?" he was screeching so loud I was sure Mary was already at the door, but I didn't turn around, just said simply <br/>"That's what the town thinks, since you just ran away like you always do."<br/>He wanted to say something back but he just put his head in his hands and even though I knew his desperation was just an act, I felt sorry for him. Not because of what the town thought, but because Tom was simply incapable of facing conflicts.<br/>"What am I supposed to do now? The investors are gone and I can't raise the money!"<br/>"Tom, don't you have any reserves?" what had he done with all the money that other people had invested? <br/>"Yes, yes, of course I do, in the bank. That's why you'd have to go to the bank in London to get the money for me."<br/>"I think we should wait and see what Stringer says tomorrow."<br/>"Did you talk to him?" he asked nervously, but I just nodded silently, I didn't want to tell him what Stringer and his people had said, I wanted to get back to Charlotte.<br/>"What did he say, what do people think, are they talking bad about me?" I stared at him and really couldn't believe that was all he was thinking about.<br/>"Tom?" I asked with a shake of my head, he looked at me just as questioningly and then I asked, "Is that the only thing you can think about?"<br/>"What else, I have a reputation to lose!" he shouted and now I heard the floorboard creak and was sure Mary was now standing behind me.<br/>"Mr Stringer could have lost his life." embarrassed silence.<br/>"He can still lose his leg if it gets infected." I shouted and Tom swallowed. "But you only care what people think of you."<br/>"I know, but it's..."<br/>"The town and the workers are angry that you ran away!" I explained and he made a face. "Howard is a little better off." I remarked and he raised an eyebrow "he got the cart and has already visited Mr Stringer."<br/>Tom now slumped down and I was sure he was finally beginning to think that Howard might not be the right business partner.<br/>"He'll have taken care of it on behalf of both of us," he said, and all I could do was shake my head.<br/>"Well, I'm going to my room," I said, turning and exchanging a glance with Mary as Tom called after me, <br/>"You can't just leave now!"<br/>He ordered me as if I were a dog that should stay at heel. Anger boiled up and I turned to him so quickly that he flinched. I was about to open my mouth and… but no. NO NO NO!! Nothing would spoil my happy mood. I was the HAPPIEST man on earth; I was about to MARRY Charlotte!! MY future wife was waiting for me. MY Charlotte!! Did you get it?? I know, sorry you are not stupid like my brother, you KNOW what I was talking and thinking about. <br/>Now back to Tom. Tom was just.. I couldn't find any words to describe my stupid brother and I could only bring myself to tell him with gritted teeth.<br/>"I will now go and wash the dust and blood of YOUR workers off my body. I take a hot bath to relax my muscles, which hurt from dragging around rubble and metre-long beams that remind me of ship's masts."<br/>"All right," he gave his permission meekly, but then said again in that I-am-the-boss tone, "but after that we have to talk."<br/>"There’s nothing to talk about Tom. Stringer is coming tomorrow morning with the list of damages and a calculation of what it will cost. I would advise you to visit his father and write a letter to Dr Fuchs that you will cover the cost of his treatment."<br/>"What, but..."<br/>"You know, he needs to know who he's billing and since you didn't take out the insurance, you'll cover the costs, that's for sure." <br/>"But..."<br/>"But nothing, Tom!" cried Mary, turning to me she said, "of course it's going to be done exactly this way."<br/>"Still, we should discuss what we're going to say," Tom grumbled tearfully and I shook my head. <br/>"I'll be at the meetings tomorrow, of course, and Arthur should be there too."<br/>"Arthur?" he asked almost indignantly.<br/>"Yes, he's a sensible young man when he's not whining about imaginary sickness, and he's got a better hand."<br/>"What do you mean by that?"<br/>"I mean that you always underestimate Arthur." Of course, I wouldn't tell him about Arthur increasing his fortune by investing in another seaside resort, just the obvious <br/>"he's very good with people."<br/>I also told Mary that I wanted her to be there too. She needed to be there so that the hot-tempered people would behave, even if I would agree for yelling at Tom. She also should be here to see what Tom was up to and she needed to keep an eye on Howard if I was needed elsewhere. I grinned at the thought that I had a wedding to plan and that didn't allow any delay. I supressed it and didn't let Tom bug me any more and ran to my room. </p>
<p>While my bath was being prepared, I wrote down a few key points that I had to discuss with Charlotte and Mr Heywood. Even though I prayed and hoped that health would return to Mr Heywood now that this great burden of his daughter's uncertain future had been lifted from him, I still feared the worst. I so wished Dr Fuchs would find some cure and save him so that he could meet his grandchildren and.. grandchildren? Oh man, now I had images in my head that I tried to banish, because I shouldn't already see Charlotte as my wife, sharing my bed. I should enjoy the fact that I WOULD becomes her husband. And I should do everything gentle and never rushed, everything we would do and at the speed at which we would do it would only happen ONCE. For both of us and that we should enjoy everything as much as possible. So as hard as it was I needed to enjoy the fact what was about to happen in the future. What would once said or done would never happen again and I wanted her to want for nothing and to feel as infinitely loved every moment as I did and would do in the future... and again I had pictures in my head of how I would physically implement this... I tried to calm down and that worked best when I thought about other things. <br/>I really hoped Mr Stringer would get back on his feet quickly and that the costs of the destroyed balcony and house facade wouldn't be too high. My inner voice told me it wasn’t but on the other hand I also had a dull feeling in my stomach, as if this was just the beginning of some bigger problem. Also the talk that Tom had run away like a coward and Mr Howard was the good guy who got the cart... What was he up to? I knew he wasn’t a good, he was it only to get what he wanted but I was to blind to see what that was. For now the Stringer’s were thankful, cause he reacted so quickly and helped the doctor to save Mr Stringer, the workers were divided, but the people of Sanditon were taken by him and his helping hand in a crisis instead of Tom. I didn't like that and it not only reflected badly on Tom but on the whole family. We all had to take the blame for his stupidity and I hoped that this time Arthur would put in a bit of effort, because as I said... I had a wedding to plan. Ha! Yes, well, I knew I couldn't keep it to myself for that reason alone and I also knew it would affect the whole family. They would want to be at the wedding but Tom couldn't leave Sanditon in the high season, but we couldn't wait until after that. I was back at the most important thing, first I had to find out if Charlotte wanted to get married at her country home and what her father thought would be a good date. It was the most important thing that they both felt comfortable with it. <br/>I took the bath and was able to relax a little and wash the dirt off me. I dozed a little and reviewed what had happened, not the miracle of the last few hours, the dangerous moment. The way I had clutched Charlotte. She must have noticed that something was wrong with me, whether she suspected it? I was determined to tell her. Maybe only a little at first, but I wanted her to know what might be coming. I wanted her to know that once we shared a bed, I sometimes had very vivid dreams. Even though the dreams now often had a different kind of intensity... well, and that would be something I would have to explain to her at some point too. Yeah, I should probably start with my nightmares and not with the dreams in which I made love to her, I should save that until after the wedding, I chuckled for a moment. Would I really be able to tell her? Wouldn’t she be terribly frightened? How do you explain things to a young woman who has no idea about the things that married couples – yes and even other people - do in bed and not only there? While I thought about it and relaxed further I got out of the water, dried myself and then stood in front of the mirror. I would be the first and hopefully only man she would ever see naked. Would she like what she would see? I ran my hand over my chest, the few hairs there, over my muscles and my flat stomach. The hairs there became thicker and the idea that she would touch me there at some point immediately had its expected effect. I tried not to get carried away and looked down at myself, moving closer to the mirror and imagining how Charlotte would react. Would she open her eyes in horror? Or even slap her hands in front of her face? Would she curiously ask why I looked so different from her and what my physical reaction to her meant? Or did she already know it for she had read it in some medical book she had discovered during one of the many visits to the doctors with her father? However, these were also questions I would only be able to ask her when we were married and I tried to banish them from my thoughts. I should tell her about the ship and just wait and see what questions she had about it. If it came up I could tell her about the nightmares and then I would see how she reacted to the idea of sharing a bed with me. I just hoped that even if she didn't know what ELSE to do there besides sleeping, she was looking forward to being so close to me, in my arms.<br/>An hour later I took my small booklet with me to write down the most important things and walked down the stairs. I tried to sneak out of the house unseen, but Mary found me in the hall.<br/>"Are you leaving again?"<br/>"Yes." She just looked at me until I explained further, <br/>"I'm going to the Heywood's for dinner."<br/>She smiled, took me in her arms and whispered "I'm happy for you, she's wonderful." <br/>A few days ago I would have played dumb and denied what she was implying, but now I nodded and said. "I know."<br/>"Is it already...?" she turned around in the corridor as if to prevent anyone listening for whose ears it wasn't meant "official?" and although I trusted Mary I just said:<br/>"I'll tell you all about it tomorrow."</p>
<p>Three hours. We could only be together for three hours before I had to leave again and this time her father wasn't kind enough to let her accompany me to the hall. It was painful, really. This pulling in my stomach all evening long. It was like an anchor chain on tension, you know? When it was somehow wedged and you couldn't get it off the bottom of the sea. I couldn't imagine leaving without touching Charlotte at least once. At all times she was three feet away from me and there were always the three of us in the room. Mr Heywood was one of the most pleasant people and one of my favourites, but honestly, what was the point? Did he want to torture us or was he not even aware of what he was doing? Or did he do it on purpose so that we wouldn't do anything stupid? I mean, honestly, I’d be willing to do anything with Charlotte anytime, but nothing naughty... at least not until we were married and she was ready. Another thought in this direction... shit, I didn't mean to. <br/>So I try again... we were able to sort a lot of things out. Charlotte wanted to get married at the country estate because she felt her mother would be there, and she felt more at home there than in cold London. She assured me I would like it there too, even if it wasn't on the coast, her cheeks were red with excitement when she told me about it and her plans to ride out with me and show me around the estate. To get to know each other even better, we decided to stay there a little longer before making another trip to Sanditon at the end of the season. Just the thought that we would never be without each other again made me so incredibly happy, I can not tell you often enough. Our eyes were glued together and Mr Heywood had to clear his throat more than once to make sure we didn't forget him. We also discussed when I would tell my family, what the workers wanted me to do, which version we would tell his aunt and that Mr Heywood would get his lawyer to put an ad in the paper so that everyone in London knew as well. We also talked about my fortune and I told them of course what my job was like and that I was mainly in London. I assured Charlotte that I would try my best that we would be as often as possible at her country estate or even here in Sanditon and she was sure that she would feel comfortable in London too once she got to know it better.<br/>"She already owns the house," said Mr Heywood and Charlotte and I became serious again, just like her father. I would have liked to take her hand and squeeze it to show her that she was no longer alone with the pain, but we could only exchange a glance. <br/>"So it's your home too after the wedding." he smiled kindly and I didn't know what to say.<br/>"When we get back to London you can come and see if we can change some rooms or maybe I can move to another floor..."<br/>"No papa." Charlotte interrupted him, it seemed to physically hurt her that he wanted to change anything in his home for us and hesitantly she looked at me as if she wanted my approval. I smiled at her and told her silently it was everything fine with me.<br/>"But it's your home then..." began Mr Heywood, but this time I interrupted him.<br/>"And it’s always yours." <br/>And I don't know what it was, but Mr Heywood nodded immediately and no one said another word about it. <br/>To lighten the mood, I told them the good news about Mr Stringer and a lively discussion began about the possibilities of what might have caused the balcony to fall. We left out what might have happened if we had stood there a few minutes longer, but I told them my concerns about Howard. Mr Heywood was not shocked by my theory and Charlotte's knowledge of it, but seemed glad that I had asked for her opinion in the past. He suspected some kind of insurance fraud and seemed to remember something unpleasant in his past, or at least that's what his comments suggested, but he didn't elaborate after I mentioned Tom's mistake in not taking out insurance.<br/>"Why didn't he made one?" asked Charlotte.<br/>"Tom always tries to save at the wrong end instead of cutting back on his lifestyle or asking for help early on. He lets it go as if that will make it better and then it's usually too late to react other than Arthur and I stepping in." I shrugged.<br/>"Lend him money you mean?" Mr Heywood didn't seem to like that idea and I assured him that my import-export business was doing really well and that I would be happy to show him my accounts to make sure I didn't owe anyone anything.<br/>"I know that," he said, and I wondered a little and was about to ask him why, when he lowered his eyes and gave the answer himself. <br/>"I did some research on you... well, for Charlotte..." he left the sentence unfinished and we fell into a smirking silence for a moment.<br/>"What grief the three of us could have spared ourselves if only you had waited." Charlotte teased him and I was glad that after his heart attack the two of them could again talk to each other like that.<br/>"I know... too soon as usual, sweetie." he grinned at her, "I was just convinced that you would be good together and didn't have the patience to wait until it might happen." <br/>I wondered why he had been so convinced, but Charlotte had already asked the question, he shrugged.<br/>"I don't know." His expression told us nothing.<br/>"Papa, admit it..." Charlotte continued in a teasing tone "Sidney was the only man young enough not to be my father, that's the only reason." we laughed but my heart was going crazy. She had said my name and it had never felt so good as when it was accompanied by her soft voice.<br/>"Not the only one!" protested Mr Heywood with a giggle and Charlotte remarked cheeky "well it can't have been because of his chess skills." and my heart soared as she made us do the same with her hearty laugh.<br/>"You still owe me a game," I reminded her, and we agreed to make up for it one of the next evenings.</p>
<p>Soon afterwards I had to leave, and as I said, the farewell was not as intimate as in the afternoon, but it still made my heart jump with joy. After I shook her father's hand, I took hers and as we touched, we both paused for a moment and I saw her cheeks turn in that magical pink and as I pressed my lips to her knuckles as tenderly as I could, it was as if the circle was complete. She took a shaky breath when our eyes met and when I stroked the spot with my thumb, she sighed again. And this sound flowed trembling through my body and I knew I would dream about it this night. Which I did… and not only about that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. one of those days</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Poor Sidney has a lot on his mind... but finally a few things are being sorted out.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A longer chapter, but that had to be... the next one will be similar and then... ❤️</p>
<p>I apologize for all historical inaccuracies, I blame it on artistic freedom. 😃😉</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was one of those days you can hardly stand. You wanted to do, say or think one thing and something always gets in the way.<br/>
It started in the night. As you can imagine, I slept restless. Too much had happened in the last thirty-nine and a half hours to have been able to sleep peacefully. Of course I could direct thoughts and often I was able to do that, but this night it didn't work so well. Just as I was about to think about what the whole thing was about the balcony falling down, Howard and his attempt to provoke a fight, Charlotte popped up in my thoughts. I tried to save thoughts of her for later, first the bad things, then the pleasant things… I thought about what Mr Heywood had said about insurance fraud, whether that had been the plan, but now there might be even worse consequences for my stupid brother because he hadn't completed it. Poof, I saw Charlotte in my mind again. Her smile, her red cheeks, her snuggling against me, the fact that she touched my scarred face though she seemed not to care. The knowledge we were soon to be married. Her soft lips and oh damn our afternoon kiss! The eyes that reflected such genuine anticipation and emotion. I was sure she was in love with me. I AM sure!!<br/>
I surrendered and wanted to cherish the memory of how she had felt in my arms, her hand on my arm, her soft skin pressed against my cheek, when the thought was destroyed by the memory of her crying, her trembling, and the fear for her father. The mortal fear in HIS face, his shrinking body. Then the joy and confidence when he found out everything was going to be all right. His disgusted face when he talked about Denham. A fleeting thought that I should ask my friends about him maybe they knew him…. Then Stringer and his splintered leg. The crash of the ship's mast….. everything blurred into one confused ball of events from the past and the present. At some point I no longer knew whether I was still awake or had fallen asleep for a moment. I had to get my thoughts in order; otherwise I wouldn't be able to find any peace. Again I wrote down a few bullet points about everything I had to discuss with my family, what idea I had for the workers and what was in store for us, yes US, Charlotte and me. The season and the first ball in the middle of the chaos, that the apartments weren't ready, for which Tom had already taken bookings, if that was all true.<br/>
I wanted nothing more than to be with Charlotte every minute of the day, to walk, to talk, to get to know her. To hear all about her, her dreams, her ideas for the future. Maybe steal a little kiss now and then - or well, if I’m honest, I’d want to steal a REAL kiss too, of course. One that lasted longer and would give me a chance to show her that I desired her but of course without crossing any boundaries. I know it sounds perverse, but honestly I was looking forward to taking it one step at a time and savouring it as much as the pain of longing for more I or WE? Could bear. Don’t get me wrong, I desired her in all ways, do you need proof? Ha!! But the thrill of that desire and not giving in and then enjoying that state of being will-less, oooh really that was so damn good!! And really she was a woman worth waiting for. I mean what her sigh alone and that little tender kiss had triggered in me!! Damn it I’m all... well how should I put it... ah, what the hell.... I’m crazy for her, CRAZY!! Maybe a little kind of horny after dreaming of her… and yes I wish on the one hand we were already that far and on the other hand I wanted to give her time. As much time as she needed to come to terms with how much I loved her. I know I KNOW, it’s confusing but that's how it is when you are in love, as you all know. Don't fool me! Every little thought of her put a smile on my face and people honestly, that was the only thing that got me through the day that started late and whose hours I seemed to be chasing all day... although they were worth it, of course. I... so... well I have to admit I stayed in bed a little longer than I had planned because I had... uh yes quite... nice memories of my dream. Which was... probably a few months in the future - if you know what I mean...Yeah ok I’ll be clear: I dreamt about us. About Charlotte and me playing chess and fighting about it because I must have cheated and damn it was so damn hot how she got mad and pushed me and the next moment the chess pieces were on the ground and so was her dress. And even though we were just kissing and touching everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE it was so fucking good I just couldn't stop imagining it was her hand stroking me and... well you know.<br/>
Good, what was I about to tell? Uuuhh ah yes, I was late….</p>
<p>Late for breakfast. I had barely put a tiny bit in my mouth when Stringer arrived. He was a punctual man, always a little early, but not too outrageously early. This time, however, I wasn't really mentally present yet. I tried to concentrate on other things than my future wife - oh man, that was really the best thing ever to think about, my future wife... yes sorry, I go on. So I was really hungry and hadn't finished thinking about what I wanted to eat when he was there and Tom, totally unable to cope, asked him about thirty times if he wanted something to eat and how his father was - who of course he hadn't visited, even though I had told him!! Mary was luckily much cleverer than her husband and had visited the Stringers and even Arthur, ARTHUR!!! Had been there!!<br/>
Stringer exchanged a look with me and I thought I knew what he was asking with that look and I just shook my head; no I hadn't spoken to my brother yet. Well, anyway, we went into Tom's room, where Arthur was waiting for us and I forced Mary to be there too. The only one missing Parker was Diana, but since she was always telling Arthur that he couldn't do anything but being sick, that was fine. I mean, I understood Stringer's concern, but the only one who didn't have a real job was Arthur, even though he was trying out different cities and health treatments for Tom, it was more of a hobby than a real job. He should take care about something real, they could not only ever relate on me… as you know, I had a wedding to plan, a future wife I had to make happy (in any kind of way, as you know what I mean) and a future to choose other than cleaning up the mess my brother had left behind!! I was not here for this whole shit!! (Only the thing with the wedding and the wife) but I’m rambling… Focus! Now!!<br/>
Actually, as Tom's business partner, Mr Howard should have been present at this meeting as well, but after he had insulted my fiancée and provoked me - and not for the first time, of course I didn't invite him to the meeting. Neither did Stringer, who didn't think much of Howard or most of his workers. No matter... Tom seemed to be fine with that and I wondered if he tried to postpone the meeting with Howard anyway, he needed to tell him that he has no insurance and I just needed to be near when he would tell him, to be sure if it was all planed by him. Tom for now played the nice guy, was charming, as if we were at a stupid dinner party instead of a serious business meeting. I let him have a minute to finish chewing and swallow my breakfast before I said his name out loud once and he immediately fell silent. </p>
<p>"Mr Stringer, what is the property damage?" I asked without further ado, watching Tom rub his hands nervously.<br/>
"About three hundred pounds." Stringer explained and Tom breathed out of relief, but before he could go crazy with joy I asked Stringer further.<br/>
"How long will it take to rebuild?"<br/>
"With the current workforce?"<br/>
"Yes."<br/>
"One week."<br/>
"That's great!" exclaimed Arthur, who fell silent when Stringer explained that this would only be the case if ALL the workers only worked on this damaged apartment not the other unfinished buildings.<br/>
"What does that mean exactly?" he then asked.<br/>
"If we're going to get all the apartments done on schedule, the way it was originally intended, we need more men." Stringer looked at Tom who nodded with a cheerful expression and said nonchalantly<br/>
"We'll manage that."<br/>
"You mean Howard will get more workers?" I asked annoyed and Tom answered with a nod.<br/>
"But it must be clear under what leadership work will be done." I stressed in that firm tone that allowed no argument and Tom nodded eagerly, maybe he thought I meant him.<br/>
"And it's under Stringer's."<br/>
James looked surprised at me and almost couldn't help smiling. Tom saw it differently and wanted to protest, but luckily there were two other people in the room who were smarter.<br/>
"That's great!" exclaimed Arthur, "like father like son, that's how it has to be."<br/>
"You know Sanditon and Tom's idea as if it were your own!" Mary knew to say, and everyone in the room, even Arthur who always acted dumb, knew that it was the truth. Tom had ideas and drew them, but the architectural subtleties and feasible ideas all came from Stringer.<br/>
"What do you think the extra men cost, Stringer?"<br/>
He first handed me the piece of paper with the costs, which I showed first to Mary, then to my younger and then to my older brother. Tom gasped and plopped down on the sofa with a loud moan - why for god’s sake did he always have to be so theatrical?<br/>
"It looks like a lot, sir, but the insurance will cover the cost of the materials and the extra workers, and the rest of the calculated costs shouldn't change." Stringer explained but his smile faded.<br/>
Silence, uncomfortable muffled SILENCE and although I was sure Stringer knew exactly what was going on, he said nothing. He cleared his throat and then said in a timid tone.<br/>
"In this context, I would also like to ask to ensure in the future that… that we are paid in time."<br/>
The look on Mary's face was priceless, honest; I thought her eyes would fall out of her head.<br/>
"As you asked," I began, "I have been thinking about this."<br/>
Everyone looked at me and I saw Mary relax.<br/>
"Since my brother Tom," I looked at him and he flinched a little under my gaze, "has so much on his plate, someone else has to make sure that the suppliers and the most important people, the workers, get their money on time."<br/>
"And you think you can do that?" Tom asked in a cheerful tone, probably he was thinking about taking advantage of me and that I would pay everything - again.<br/>
"I thought you have so much on your plate in London and…."<br/>
"I have," I interrupted him, "I was thinking about Arthur."<br/>
But before I could rejoice with Arthur, who was clearly happy to have finally been given a task, I explained to Stringer that he was quite capable of handling money – without telling his secret of course - and would master the task conscientiously.<br/>
"But you can't take it away from me to give it to him!" said Tom, and again there was that awkward silence.<br/>
"As you said, I have enough on my plate and will have even less time to take care of Sanditon in the future."<br/>
"Why?" Tom asked, surprised, but I didn't answer and just kept talking.<br/>
"You have enough to do with your designs and investors, as we ALL know." I raised an eyebrow, hoping Tom hadn't forgotten about yesterday.<br/>
"Arthur gets permission to go to the bank in London to pay the workers every week instead of every fortnight."<br/>
He would also have to travel back and forth more, be on the move, be less tied to Diana and her mothering, and run less risk of being stuck in Bath and spending money useless.<br/>
"What?"<br/>
Tom was as white as the unpainted pages of his papers and Stringer thanked me profusely, I was sure not only for the weekly payment but also that we spoke in front of witnesses. I saw with joy that Mary was nodding and that she wrote down what we agreed to. I asked if Stringer had any further questions and apart from his request that we talk to all those responsible, that he was now the foreman for ALL the workers, he wanted nothing more. I assured him that he would get a written record of everything we had agreed and despite Tom's quiet objections and Mary's not so quiet reprimands, Tom agreed. Of course, I knew he was just waiting for Stringer to leave, but before I could give Tom the peace he craved I said<br/>
"Ah, Mr Stringer, one more question."<br/>
"Yes sir?"<br/>
"What do you think was the reason for the balcony crash?"<br/>
Stringer looked from one to the other, looked at the floor and then at Tom instead of me.<br/>
"Insufficient building material."<br/>
Silence, these time that uneasy one, like just before a thunderstorm.<br/>
"I don't think so, you're just saying that to emphasise that I had contracted another supplier." Tom jutted his chin as if he was right and Mary answered before anyone else could.<br/>
"But that's how it was Tom," I admired Mary immensely at that moment and I knew Charlotte would talk to me exactly like that if I ever did something so stupid. I could barely suppress a smirk as she continued.<br/>
"You can only be glad that Mr Stringer acted responsible here and used as little of it as possible."<br/>
Tom looked irritated then angry, after all she usually only spoke to him like that in private, I thought it was great that she made it clear in front of Stringer.<br/>
"I'm very glad you did," she said to Stringer, stood up and held out her hand to James, "we could never forgive us if anything worse had happened."<br/>
Nothing needed to be added to that statement and even Tom stood up and offered his hand to Stringer. He mumbled a quiet apology, which I couldn't say for sure because Arthur pulled me aside.<br/>
"You're actually the big brother." I looked at him and wanted to protest, but his smile and grateful nod stopped me.</p>
<p>Stringer left and I knew that Tom would be angry, I was prepared for that and Mary had probably also expected his little outburst, but Arthur was… how should I put it? Near fainting of shock.<br/>
"How can you just put Arthur in charge of the payment?" he shouted and not only the tone but also his words hurt Arthur I could see on his face.<br/>
"He can take care of it, I'm sure of it, and you - as we all know, CAN’T!"<br/>
Tom gasped and turned to me as if to intimidate me, but he couldn't do it any more.<br/>
"Be happy Tom," Mary exclaimed, "then you'll really have more time for your designs and maybe even for us."<br/>
"No way!" he shouted with a dismissive hand gesture and I saw Mary's mood changed too.<br/>
"That's what you always promise me! You always say you'd rather have more time for us."<br/>
"Yes, yes, of course, dearest." he said softly, patting Arthur's arm and sinking back onto the sofa. He bit his lower lip and I knew, I KNEW, there was something else.<br/>
"Tom, what's wrong?" I asked, and Arthur remarked, not entirely seriously.<br/>
"Don’t tell me there's no money left at the bank?"<br/>
Laughing Mary exclaimed, "That can't be, you just gave me this!" she stroked the new necklace around her neck and although it put a smile on all our faces, it froze at the same moment as the awkward silent was back, the bad one.<br/>
"TOM!!!" I shouted, "WHAT did you do?"<br/>
"Nothing." he shook his head.<br/>
"Tom, that you didn't take out the insurance is one thing, but is there money at the bank or not?" I asked, not even going so far as to ask what happened to the money Arthur and I had lent him not so long ago.<br/>
"We... are behind." he whined, burying his face in his hands.<br/>
After Mary had asked him, first gently and then frankly rather angry, to finally tell us everything, he began to explain the whole thing;<br/>
He had taken money from investors, who, as his politics went, were paid out including a percentage profit, after the agreed period of time. This went well until he had already spent the money, which had been promised, but he had not yet received, and this also went well until the first investor had NOT paid his promised money. As Tom said, that was why he had asked Howard for the cheaper timber and cheaper workers. He now needed three thousand pounds to pay the workers and one of the investors who wanted his investment back and maybe one thousand more so as not to own more debt at the bank.<br/>
"Go out." Mary said in a voice I had never heard her use before and as soon as Arthur and I left the room she slammed the door shut. The doors were solid so we couldn't hear her words but we could hear her scolding Tom. After a while she yanked the door open and walked past us saying no word. We walked back in and if I weren’t used to my brother's drama, I would have taken his attitude right away. He acted like he was really devastated about what Mary had said and I saw that she had thrown the necklace on the model of his beloved town. Honestly, I couldn't really feel sorry for him.</p>
<p>"What does Howard know?" I asked after a while and Arthur sat down next to our brother with wide eyes and stroked his arm sympathetically, but Tom jumped up, I thought he was going to run out and I would have been glad if he had, because I could have gone to Charlotte as soon as I was finished here. Instead, he just closed the door, turned to us, avoided my gaze and then paced up and down the room, almost making me woozy.<br/>
"Nothing, nothing."<br/>
Tom knew I didn't believe him, but I wasn't quite sure if he was trying to tell us another lie with his next explanation or if he was telling the truth.<br/>
"He told me more than once to take out the insurance, but I couldn't pay for it!" he shook his head.<br/>
"So you can't say he was up to any shady business!" Tom cried, and Arthur was taken aback by this statement and asked me about it, but before I answered him I suggested that Howard might have been planning an insurance fraud.<br/>
"What nonsense!" exclaimed Tom just as Mary came back into the room and sat down unmoved. Arthur and she looked at me in expectation until I told them what I believed.<br/>
"When we first spoke, he treated me like a silly little boy, he even patted my cheek, which wasn't as gentle as it might sound."<br/>
"Oh no, you're exaggerating!" cried Tom "you believe the madam too!"<br/>
"What’s all this talk?" Arthur asked and Mary turned away in disgust.<br/>
"According to Mrs Harris," I said and Arthur remembered the lady, because he blushed a little, "he bites and hits women."<br/>
"That's disgusting." said Arthur and Tom agreed with him, looking at Mary, although I wasn't quite sure if he wasn't just saying it because she was in the room.<br/>
"Still, it has nothing to do with his work. I don't know what problem YOU have with him, but he's friendly, everyone loves him!"<br/>
I gasped, suppressing everything I'd rather say, you know the thing about Howard insulting Charlotte - I didn't want to share that news with them just yet, not in this heated discussion.<br/>
"Tom, it's a tactic. I've seen it with my own eyes, he's friendly to the residents here, but that's just to make them like him, probably so they'll take him in."<br/>
"So what if they do, let them! It's no longer the time when sons inherit land and stays in the family for generations and no one from the outside can get in. What world do you live in?" He asked, although of course he didn't expect an answer. I didn't really want to know what he had promised or already given Howard and that’s why I didn’t asked. I stroked my face to keep calm and simply said.<br/>
"You must know, he's more popular than you at the moment."<br/>
Tom looked horrified, then shook his head and raised his eyebrows as if he was really wondering, but he couldn't be that stupid!<br/>
"He went for help for Stringer, he visited him, he didn't run away like a scared child."<br/>
I really tried to stay calm. Tom sucked in a sharp breath, but before he could answer, Mary stood up.<br/>
"Good, you have to tell him about the insurance anyway, send for him and then I'll invite him for dinner to get to know him better." she looked at me "maybe it was just a misunderstanding between you?"<br/>
"Certainly not" I grunted, there was NO WAY I was going to sit at the same table as him. But now Tom had found something to rant about. That I was now behaving like an insulted child, not showing any understanding or willingness to get on well with Howard.<br/>
"I don't have to, I'll never want to have anything to do with him".<br/>
My patience was slowly wearing thin and when Mary and Arthur started to nag me and I kept insisting that there was no basis for us behaving the way he had, but they just wouldn't accept my silence, I blurted out the news.<br/>
"He provoked me and even worse insulted Charlotte!"<br/>
General questioning.<br/>
"Charlotte, aha, why Charlotte?"<br/>
"Do you have something to tell us?"<br/>
"Who's Charlotte?" - yes sure that was what Tom asked, who else? He was just too blind and dim I could just completely freak out again… He's such an asshole!! You think that's too harsh - then listen to what he said next.<br/>
"My fiancée!"<br/>
"Oh Sidney!" exclaimed Arthur and hugged me, Mary kissed me and exclaimed how happy it made her and Tom, yes Tom said:<br/>
"That's great! You will be rich, Sanditon is saved in any way!"<br/>
"My wedding has nothing to do with Sanditon!" I grunted.<br/>
"But what, they seem quite moneyed, they have four-in-hand carriage and he seemed a bit worn out, is he ill?"<br/>
I didn't answer.<br/>
"Or is she? Oh, that's a pity, she is so young, but when she dies, you'll inherit..."<br/>
He didn't get any more out than that. Yes, I'm not proud of it (ok, yes I am) I just punched him in his stupid face. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.<br/>
Arthur held me and Mary ran to Tom to see how badly I had hit him, but no one complained to me that I had done anything wrong. I only heard a rush in my head, so I didn't hear what Mary had said, but when I breathed a little easier an apology came from Tom. Not loud enough and probably not serious, but I didn't care. I wanted to tell him that I would make sure he didn't get a cent from us in the future, but for one thing I couldn't and didn't want to decide anything over Charlotte's head, and I also didn't want to disappoint Mary. Not because of the fact with no money for Tom, but because of the finality that would come with it.<br/>
I had to go; I couldn't stand being under the same roof as that money-hungry bastard. I said to Arthur in a calm tone that he should let me know when Howard was coming. I still had the need to punch Tom further, but of course I would have to protect him from Howard. Not necessarily for his sake, but for Mary and the children.</p>
<p>I had to go to Charlotte, the need to see her and talk to her… and to sink - if not in her arms, then into her eyes was overpowering! I HAD to go to her. But as I said this day was one of those days you can hardly stand. Something always gets in the way or rather someone…</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. not enough hours</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The day has not enough hours...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Forgive me for the delay of posting but I really had a bad headache and couldn't finish the chapter earlier. But therefor it's a longer one... and soon we finally start to get closer to where we want them to go...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I stepped out into the fresh air and took a deep breath. I shouldn't have hit him, but honestly, just the idea that he THOUGHT it was okay to talk about my future like that made me so angry that only the thought that she wouldn't approve stopped me…. future? Future wife I meant, but yes she was my future, still is… But uuuh yes, if I had known at that point what other fucking shit Tom was going to say in the future, I would have gone straight back in and hit him again, just once, but really hard!<br/>
Guys really, I don't know what was wrong with Tom... maybe it was the pressure he mainly put on himself, because he just wanted too much at once and then got bogged down with the thousand ideas. Nevertheless, he had to redirect his focus to the essentials again; with him it was all about his damn town, the profit he would make or thought he would make and money to develop the seaside resort even further. But I pushed that away; I wanted to see Charlotte, no! I needed to see her; I needed to hear her soft voice. Her opinions and thoughts about everything and her tender lips on mine. She was like the piece of land you finally feel again under your feet after weeks of agony on a ship.<br/>
I walked with quick steps over the sandy ground, past the hotel. I turned the corner and could already see their house.<br/>
"Parker!" a familiar voice called out, and although I was happy to meet them, I had absolutely no desire to do so.<br/>
"Well, hello, what are you doing here already?" I asked and let my two best friends hug me.<br/>
"Well, that sounds like fun!" exclaimed Algernon with a question mark all over his face and Francis knew how to read my mood.<br/>
"Is there trouble with Tom?"<br/>
I laughed briefly. "Yes, there was."<br/>
"And where were you going now?"<br/>
"For a swim, right?"<br/>
"Well, I..." I just wanted to go to Charlotte's, damn it! I wanted to see her!! NOW!! What are they doing here? They had said they would come to the ball not two days earlier!<br/>
"If you wait a little longer we'll come with you for your swim, we've only just arrived, but..." Babington explained, but Francis whined that he needed something wet for his throat first.<br/>
"It's so dusty here!".<br/>
"Later, I have to..." I tried again.<br/>
"What do you have better to do than have a drink with your two best friends?" Crowe asked curiously. You could say what you wanted about him, but he checked out the restlessness of others faster than anyone else.<br/>
"I've got to go," I clarified curtly, and he asked with this grin on his face.<br/>
"Oh, meeting a girl?"<br/>
"What makes you think that?" I asked surprised.<br/>
"At this time of the day Sidney? You used to only go out at night..." unfortunately with Algernon it was always mainly about one thing and I had to talk him out of that thought straight away.<br/>
"It’s not like that!"<br/>
"Ohhoo it’s the one you've been talking about all this time?" Crowe asked.<br/>
I wondered when had I ever told them about Charlotte? Now I stared at them with a big question mark on my face.<br/>
"When did I tell you about her?"<br/>
"Actually since you first saw her in her father's house!" laughed Crowe and this time Babington surprised me "No, it was in his garden!"<br/>
"I can't remember..." I thought about when I was supposed to have done that and couldn't remember saying anything about her, but I had never been too drunk to forget what I’ve told them either.<br/>
"Well, you might not have noticed it at the time," Crowe shrugged, "but we noticed it right away." he nudged Babs and they both grinned stupidly.<br/>
"Noticed what?"<br/>
"That you’re hot for her," Algernon said, but I shook my head.<br/>
"It's not…."<br/>
"Oh shit, just tell me it's serious?" he asked then.<br/>
I nodded.<br/>
"How serious?"<br/>
I just grinned and then they reacted in a way I never imagined, they were happy for me and kept asking me questions about Charlotte and us.<br/>
"God, she must be amazing if she won over the lonely bachelor."<br/>
"Conquered, more like" Crowe grinned.<br/>
"Guys honestly, I’ll tell you anything, but I really need to get to her now." I absolutely didn't care that I sounded desperate. "I know where to find you!" then I turned to go, but then I remembered what I wanted to ask them and briefly explained the circumstances.<br/>
"Denham? No, the name doesn't sound familiar," said Algernon, and he really did know everyone, at least by name.<br/>
"He was recently adopted by Mrs or Lady Denham."<br/>
They both just looked at me blankly.<br/>
"He’s tall, blond, with a ridiculously big hat and claims to have won several duels already."<br/>
"Who brags about that these days?" Crowe looked at Babington, who would know about such things.<br/>
"Braggarts, of course." he explained "in our circles it's more like... I don't know a way to show the other off." he looked at Crowe who raised his eyebrows to his hairline "I've witnessed a few so far but there have been no deaths or major injuries."<br/>
"But I thought that was the point of it." I remarked, wondering about this strange statement.<br/>
"I don't know how others do it, but with noblemen it's something like measuring forces without getting your hands dirty, you know?"<br/>
No, not really.<br/>
"Well, pointing a loaded gun at each other from several feet away and waiting to see who shits in first and gives up... you know, the other guy who keeps his nerve is the biggest."<br/>
"So duels aren't actually practised any more?" I asked, more questions forming in my head.<br/>
"Not in our circles." I thought it was nice that he always counted me in his circle, or at least that's how I took it, with the inclusive gesture he made.<br/>
"But honestly, I don't know if others don't practice it like they used to." he shrugged, "did he brag about it?"<br/>
I just nodded, but didn't explain further. I just wanted to see Charlotte! And also I wanted to tell them I didn't want to tell them here in the middle of the street.<br/>
"I'd rather tell you everything about that some other time, too."<br/>
They understood.<br/>
</p>
<p>After a few more minutes, I finally got away from them and almost ran to the Heywood's house and knocked on their door almost impetuously. The maid opened the door but told me that the Heywood's were on the beach and she didn't know when they would be back. She pointed me in the direction they had gone - the way Charlotte had gone when she had run away in despair and I set off to catch up with them. But honestly this day didn't seem to want me to meet her, because no sooner had I taken three steps than Dr Fuchs came up to me. At first I was frightened, why wasn't he with Mr Heywood? Agitated, I asked him, and he calmed my worries, and me explaining only that he was fine and was smart enough not to walk to far.<br/>
"But I have also other patients." he explained and of course I knew that, asked how Mr Stringer was and said again that my brother would cover all the costs, not that Tom hadn't done that either… he hadn't, of course, but as I said, luckily he was married to a smart woman who had taken care of that. I wanted to move on quickly, but Dr Fuchs held me back.<br/>
"Mr Parker, are you all right?" he eyed me over his glasses.<br/>
"But of course."<br/>
"You seem very stressed."<br/>
I laughed, nodded and turned in the direction I wanted to go and finally meet Charlotte.<br/>
"Give yourself a few days rest." he said sternly "maybe go for a trip or take a dip in the sea."<br/>
"Yes, thank you, I will," I assured him and then said goodbye.</p>
<p>I really did walk with longer strides along the path and down to the beach. The bathing machines were almost all in the water and I could see that there were a few ladies swimming or tried to. I was sure that Charlotte would try it out as well. I scanned the horizon but couldn't tell if she was one of the figures. I had to get closer and so I walked down the sandy hill and across the wide beach closer to the waterfront, but from a distance all the red-hatted women looked the same and none looked in my direction, so I couldn’t see if charlotte was one of them. I looked down the beach to the last bathing machine and marched along the beach towards it, I don't know why exactly, but I had the feeling that if they did, they would pick the one at the back. First of all, there would be the certainty that the wagon could not drive so deep into the sea because of the beginnings of the cliffs, which Charlotte would certainly prefer, and then she could be back on the shore faster if anything happened to her father. He could rest in the shade of the bathing machine, which I was sure he'd prefer, and she'd be protected from the prying eyes of others, especially that nasty aunt who wouldn't let up until she was really married. To me. Ha! And I was grinning like a complete idiot. This thought filled me to the brim with joy. Just like that, so easy! As I strolled past the second to last one, I was no longer so sure whether I wasn't wasting my time and would rather have gone the other way. I stopped and looked out at the sea. And I was so pleased when I saw her! She didn't see me, but that didn't matter. I was glad I had found her and walked around the bathing machine. Three steps I was away from the shore.<br/>
"Sidney my son!" again I was stopped from enjoying the view, but this time I didn't mind. It was my father-in-law-to-be and I hurried to him. We greeted friendly, but I quickly realised he was exhausted.<br/>
"Standing for a long time is a bit tiring," he explained cheerfully, as if there was nothing wrong with him. He looked at the water with such a lovely smile that I finally knew which parent Charlotte had it from.<br/>
"She’s a little water rat, she won't get out of there!"<br/>
I found it quite charming that he spoke to me so unaffectedly about Charlotte.<br/>
"You need to sit down."<br/>
I looked around and saw a rock a little way from us, pointed to it and then he grabbed my arm and leaned heavily against me. He looked tired, but I was not alarmed. I hoped my assessment was right and asked him more than once if he really was doing well.<br/>
"I would tell you.,” he said seriously. "Really, believe me. I would keep trying to hide it from her, but I would tell you."<br/>
I didn't know exactly how to react to that comment and just looked at him with a somewhat forced smile.<br/>
"I would want you to know so you could be there for her."<br/>
I nodded, not wanting to think about it, it would be the worst thing for her.<br/>
"I know, and mark my words Sidney, you can't hide anything from her anyway. She senses that, but well..." he chuckled impish "you can still try."<br/>
I sat down next to him and was silent for a few moments. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down, it had been an exhausting morning so far.<br/>
"You seem restless."<br/>
I chuckled, it seemed I couldn’t hide anything from him either.<br/>
"We had a talk with Mr Stringer and well my brother..." I stroked my face; a small stabbing pain was behind my forehead and gnawing at my nerves.<br/>
"Do you want to tell me?"<br/>
"Yes."<br/>
I was glad he'd asked and I told him everything we'd discussed. Well, not everything… I didn't want things to get weird between him and Tom when it was the first meeting after our engagement and covered my slightly scraped knuckles with my other hand. We speculated about Howard’s plans and it filled me with something like pride when he assured me my actions and decisions had been wise.<br/>
Mr Heywood was a great man. He reminded me of my own father. Wise, quietly laughing with sharp or sometimes sarcastic remarks, he made you feel equal to them even though you were of the younger generation. My father had been older than Mr Heywood is now, yet I was convinced that the two of them would have got on well if only they had met. We talked about the timing of the wedding and he remarked that three weeks would be fine for him, with the little note, "You can get to know each other better after that day."<br/>
And he emphasised the word in that fatherly serious tone that wasn't strict but still asked for obedience and I thought I understood what he meant. Honestly, people, talking to Charlotte's father about THAT was incredibly embarrassing for me and I’m sure it would be for you too, I just nodded with a glance towards the water. I hoped he wouldn't want to go into it or give me any tips. That would be … ohh no pleasing no! And I didn't want to steer my thoughts in that direction. I was glad that he didn't discuss the subject any further, but left it at an ambiguous comment.<br/>
"I’m sure you know about the things that come with marriage and the responsibilities you have." responsibility was a good word to describe THAT.<br/>
"You are responsible for making sure she is well and everything happens to her happiness." He said it as if he was talking about something neutral, but I knew what he meant or thought I knew it, because happiness was all I wanted for her… but maybe he was really talking about something neutral and I was the one thinking about THAT, but anyway I answered.<br/>
"Of course." and added "I would do ANYTHING to make her happy."<br/>
The sincerity with which I FELT this words didn't scare me, it was like a law of nature, that was my duty - without the coercion, you understand? Nothing else mattered than her. Mr Heywood watched me with this sparkle in his eyes, sparkle of… maybe pride?<br/>
"You're a good man, just like..."<br/>
</p>
<p>"Papa!" cried Charlotte at that very moment and although I still wanted to ask what he meant by the statement, I could do nothing but stand up and walk towards her, or rather towards the bathing machine - like a helpless man bewitched by magic. She waved and her whole face seemed to glow. It was because of the icy water, of course, but I was so conceited that I imagined it was because of me. Her smile was just…. HEAVENS! You know? That anybody but especially this gorgeous woman would look like THAT to see me coming towards her, this was just… my heart was like one of the gulls, flying far above the sea next to the clouds. Just thinking that she was equally happy to have me near her was just… ggggrrr, I wanted to run to her and pull her into my arms and swirl her around before I would like to kiss her. REALLY kiss her, like with ALL my senses and you know with ALL this feelings inside me. But yes of course, this wasn’t so easy to do in the open with her father watching us all the time. Our eyes stayed locked for another moment until my logic won out and I pointed to the machine, she had to change or she would get sick. She nodded and disappeared inside and as the wagon moved to its position I walked with quicker steps towards it and my heart was beating wildly, but I wasn't nervous or anything, just excited to finally see her from close up.  I felt myself calming down somehow even though I was walking faster - I just managed to stop myself from running. I was standing at the bottom of the small staircase, just like two days before, only this time there was no storming rain the worry about her father and herself, but only joy. She pulled the door open and came rushing down the stairs and we grabbed each other’s hands and smiled at each other. You can't imagine how MUCH I wanted her... I mean wanted to kiss her, of course. Her cheeks were red from the cold water, so were her eyes, which had sucked mine in and as we were almost eye-to-eye I could see exactly how a drop rolled down her face. I saw that she had only put on one sleeve of her coat, so she had hurried to see me and I feared that maybe she hadn't dried herself properly.<br/>
"You'd better get dressed," I said, letting go of her cold hands.<br/>
She moved slowly, as if she was also under some kind of slowing spell and I don't know exactly why but maybe it was because she was still on the lowest step but my gaze slid down for a moment and HOLY SHIT!!!! She was cold... you could see that very well, if you know what I mean... not? You want me to say it? Yeah all right. S I G H. I looked at her... the edge of... well not the edge, more like under the edge of her cleavage and… well her nipples were pressing hard through the light damp fabric of her dress. So there you have it!! Yeah, damn it and I was, well how should I say... so distracted or maybe it was self-protection; anyway I grabbed the collar of her coat at the next moment and pulled it close. No! No, I didn't touch her! What do you think of me?? - Well, I would have liked to, of course, but no. I had grabbed the coat at the high of her waist. Still, it was something you didn't do, of course. She seemed to have held her breath, her eyes widened a little, and then she lowered her face down as if to see if I had really dared.<br/>
"Forgive me, please." I was shocked at what I had done and pulled my hands away, but she held my right hand and stepped down the last step.<br/>
"What happened there?"<br/>
No one had ever touched me so tenderly as she ran her thumb over my scraped knuckles, and I didn't know you could be SO sensitive between the knuckles... so honestly, what was that? I breathed in quite freely, but it sounded like my breath was shaking - it must have been the wind or something… anyway. My hand then felt kind of numb... well not numb but so hypersensitive. Shit honestly… I mean... I was convinced that she, she was... yes there was no other explanation she had bewitched me... what the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t sure if I was able to think.. but well, it was even worse a moment later, when I thought I had regained control.<br/>
"Will you tell me?" it was the same tone as her father's, firm, almost stern, but somehow not.<br/>
Then she looked at me, she lifted my hand a little higher and then she pressed her lips to the sore knuckles. My heart stopped, I think... and the next moment I grabbed her face. My fingers were on her pulse and it quivered violently, my thumb stroked the corner of her mouth and I heard her gasp, her fingers were around my wrist, but she didn't pull or push it away. She dug her fingernails into my skin and if the little pain hadn't made me remember that this wasn't one of my dreams, I would have dragged her into the bathing machine and… well, you know.<br/>
"Forgive me Charlotte I didn't mean to..."<br/>
"No, please..." she smiled and it was so sweet.<br/>
Slowly I pulled my hand away and my fingers stroked her cheek and the best part was they were glowing. They were so hot, yet I lowered my hand, scolding myself in my mind and squeezed my eyes shut for a moment so I could break free and manage to take a step back.<br/>
"Really I’m sorry, what if someone saw this." I turned around but no one seemed to have seen us.<br/>
"But we're engaged." she said as if it was that simple. "It was just a touch."<br/>
"Yes but... we shouldn't let this happen unless… we are alone." now I used my firm voice that didn't allow any doubt. "And even after that... I don’t know what I was thinking… what I almost did!"<br/>
I was really ashamed.<br/>
"What would you have done?" she asked and I couldn’t… I looked at her and I just realised that she was so innocent; she didn’t even know what I had almost done.<br/>
"Charlotte, I would have… I would have liked to kiss you."<br/>
I smiled and she smiled back and I really believe she nodded before she ran off to her father.<br/>
I took this opportunity to collect myself for a moment, and then slowly walked towards the two of them. Charlotte looked at me the whole time but lowered her eyes as if she didn't want me to see it. She was quite excited, she told me how cold the water was and how it had tingled her skin and how the heavy fabric had pulled her down. And I was glad to be able to think about something else. </p>
<p>Then she and her father stopped for a moment and I followed their gaze. It was Mrs Denham, without her son and with a grim face coming our way.<br/>"I've been looking for you all morning!" she called from a distance and I saw that Mr Heywood could hardly keep from grinning.<br/>"Your maid said she didn't know where you were, but I see HE" she gave me a nasty look "has found you."<br/>"That's just because he knows his way around." Mr Heywood replied, and then asked his aunt what she wanted, as Charlotte had to get home, not that she would get sick.<br/>"Pah! Has she been swimming?" Mrs Denham gave Charlotte a look as if she had done something really wrong.<br/>"Yes and it was very refreshing." Charlotte smiled and as if she was blinded the aunt lowered her gaze and pointed the way home.<br/>"I wanted to tell you that we are leaving." the breath of relief was hovering above us, but we all seemed to know that there was a BUT coming.<br/>"But I need some details about the..." she eyed us again with that disgusted look, "wedding to set things in motion."<br/>"You don't need that," said Mr Heywood, "we'll take care of that ourselves."<br/>"Oh yeah?" she asked with her eyebrows raised, she looked at me then at Charlotte "so you're going to let your father and your future husband choose and commission your outfits?"<br/>"I don't know what..." started Charlotte but was rudely interrupted,<br/>"All the odds and ends, clothes and stuff that a woman should bring into marriage."<br/>She was a wicked woman. It was obviously not clear to Charlotte what the old woman meant, but I knew, after all, I have often delivered fabrics to the tailor or to well-heeled families, seen patterns and models. It was also meant as a nasty reminder that Charlotte didn't have a mother to help her with it and I had to intervene, but I didn't want to embarrass Charlotte either, you just don't discuss things like that in front of men!<br/>"You don't have to worry about that. Charlotte already knows her tailor," said Mr Heywood, thankfully, but his aunt didn't let him win.<br/>"Well, I think it would be easier if Charlotte came to London with me and we did this together," and with a put on grin leaning towards Charlotte she said "there are things a man cannot know."<br/>Charlotte looked as if horrible scenarios were running through her mind, but before she could answer her father called out,<br/>"No way!" the firmness in his voice made us take notice.<br/>"It’s all settled, you stay out of it."<br/>"But she's my only female relative, are you going to take that joy away from me?" he grabbed her arm and took a few more steps talking to his aunt, I didn't care what he said and moved closer to Charlotte.<br/>"Is everything all right?"<br/>"Yes... I didn't think about it, but somehow she is right..."<br/>"I assure you, if you make an appointment with the tailor and tell him we are getting married, he will know what to do."<br/>She looked at me, and her cheeks get a bit more red.<br/>We walked up the hill in silence and I sensed that she was thinking about it and I just wanted to make her feel good.<br/>"I think if you have questions you can always talk to Mary."<br/>"You really think so?"<br/>I nodded.<br/></p>
<p>We were then standing at the door of her house, I wanted to be invited in, but I felt the aunt wanted me to and I offered to accompany her to her accommodation, but she just gave me a look as if she wanted to drown me in the sea if she could.<br/>
"I can do that myself." then she looked at Mr Heywood and Charlotte "let me know when it's time, I want to be involved in some way at least when my dearest friend's daughter is getting married!”<br/>
She pretended to wipe away tears, but I didn't believe her. Neither did Mr Heywood, I looked at Charlotte and she looked like she felt sorry for the old woman, but her father send her into the house.<br/>
"We'll let you know," he said to Mrs Denham, and as she turned and stomped away, he ushered me into the house. I saw Charlotte walk up the stairs and turn to look and smile at me before he invited me into the living room.<br/>
"You must be wondering why I refused so vehemently, although of course Charlotte would need a female advisor."<br/>
I had to admit that under normal circumstances I would have, but I was sure he didn't want to give her the opportunity to influence Charlotte in any way after everything that had happened between them.<br/>
"I don't trust her. I would never leave Charlotte alone with her." he shook his head "I know it's an exaggeration, but in my fantasy, they kidnap her to Scotland and marry her off to Edward."<br/>
Just the thought made me sick.<br/>
"I wish my wife was still alive or that I hadn't taken her on all those trips, then she would have someone to talk with..."<br/>
"We’ll find a solution."<br/>
"I mean maybe we should all go to London, you and I need to go over the marriage contracts and have Charlotte do those things women do before the wedding. I have no idea." he groaned and looked at the door as Charlotte came in.<br/>
"But not until after the ball, Papa," she smiled happily, "I want to dance with Sidney," and her look told me that it wasn’t about dancing, she just wanted to be close to me and it made me very happy.</p>
<p>We had a light lunch together and although I would have preferred to stay with them, I had to go home, extend the invitation to dinner at the Heywood’s' and make sure Howard hadn't been too rough on Tom, if they had their talk already. I also had some business letters and planning to do for the time I would be staying at Charlotte's estate and of course I had to see Babington and Crowe. There were not enough hours in that damn day! But the worst thing was that unfortunately Charlotte and I didn't manage to steal a little moment for each other and just looked at each other longingly as I said goodbye. She reminded me to tell her where I got the sore knuckles from and that I had promised her playing a game of chess. I really didn't intend to think about my dream, but of course I did anyway and the images in my head made me close my eyes.<br/>
"Do you think you can beat me or are you afraid I'll finish you off?" she asked with an innocent smile and I answered embarrassed but truthfully.<br/>
"You already did."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. more and more and more</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>More informations, more questions, more desire for his love...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know I know I said at the weekend and I WROTE and wrote and wrote at the weekend, so much that I had to split it into two... here is number one and the second is about to drop later or tomorrow... hope you like.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I had barely stepped into Trafalgar House when Arthur poked his head out of the dining room and beckoned me to join him.<br/>Shit, was Howard already there? I ran past Tom's room with silent steps and peered in, but he was alone in there, bent over his desk as if he were sitting over a complicated calculation.<br/>"He'll be here any minute." Arthur whispered, telling me that Tom had received a reply to his message, and it was true. No sooner had I poured myself a cup of tea than we heard the door open and Tom's effusive greeting. I hoped he would leave the door open as arranged and was relieved that he did so that we could at least hear a bit of the conversation. Tom wanted to try his typical trick and tried to talk so much till his conversation partner was so tired so that he could avoid the real topic, but Howard wouldn't let him and told him harshly:</p>
<p>"You didn't call me here to talk about Stringer," then a pause in which Tom mumbled something we couldn't understand.<br/>"Was that he?" Howard called out and I was sure he was pointing to Tom’s face and was a bit afraid that Tom would now turn the conversation to me and especially to Charlotte and I didn't want that to happen.<br/>"A little accident... with my son." Tom laughed and I looked at Arthur who was grinning broadly; it had probably been his idea.<br/>We both stood in the open doorway to the dining room and listened to every word. Tom fussed, as he had done as a child when he had to confess one of his stupidities. <br/>"Now, out with it, my friend, I don't have all day!" Howard shouted, and even though it sounded friendly and almost funny on one side, I knew he was already pretty annoyed. Another low murmur from Tom, we could hardly hear what he was saying until Howard ordered him to speak louder.<br/>"What?"<br/>"I neglected to take out the insurance."<br/>It was quiet and I tensed to rush to my brother's aid, as soon as Howard would lay a hand on him.<br/>"You’re just too daft!" he cried instead.<br/>"I’m sorry" whined Tm "I know you've told me so many times... but I thought."<br/>"You thought?" then a heavy laugh "hardly!" Howard laughed again, "you have to be that stupid." there was a pause then he continued "but what do I CARE? It's your money, your house, your town."<br/>"Yes but I thought after you told me so many times..."<br/>You could hear a light slapping, as if you were slapping someone on the back or on your own thigh. I waited for an outcry, but it didn't come.<br/>"Honestly Parker, I don't care. I can only give you tips, if YOU don't take them, it's not my problem."<br/>Strange. I had imagined he would go berserk because his plan with the insurance scam hadn't worked out, which I was convinced he had planned. It was quiet again. Nothing. Not a peep, then he suddenly asked in a rage:<br/>"Or is it my problem?"<br/>"No, no, of course not." Tom sounded like he was standing there with his head down, at least that's how I imagined it.<br/>"Then why are you telling me? Will there be problems?"<br/>"No, what.. No why problems?" Tom sounded like he didn't know what it was all about, as if it was all a joke.<br/>"Well the timing. I have guests booked in, can YOU keep the date or not?"<br/>I wondered why he said you and not we.<br/>"Me?" Tom asked shrilly "I... well we've done the maths, we need more men and we'll be fine."<br/>"Where are you going to get them?" Howard seemed amused about something and I wished I could see them both.<br/>"I thought you could..." Tom began but was interrupted.<br/>"Tom, Tom, Tom." Howard laughed out "you screwed up and I'm supposed to take the fall for it?" He said out loud what we others always thought, but still I couldn’t feel equal to him.<br/>"No, that's not what I meant I thought you knew so many people and you said we were partners, after all you have..." Tom was interrupted again. Shit. I would have wanted to hear what he was about to say.<br/>"Partners?" laugh, loud gleeful laugh "I can't be a partner or work with someone like YOU! Who doesn't stick to agreements, squanders my money and wants to exploit my workers."<br/>"I would never..."<br/>"Oh no?" Howard asked in a mocking tone.<br/>"No, everyone gets paid." Tom sounded desperate.<br/>"I don't think you have any money?" </p>
<p>Silence. I looked at Arthur and he shrugged. We heard Tom mumble something, then Howard’s voice again, a little quieter than before.<br/>"Ahh I see, your family will give you the money and I will get the workers." now in a played friendly tone "but of course my friend." <br/>Silence again and then the words that caused a cold in my stomach because he spoke so… so cold.<br/>"I pay MY workers who work for ME, even if they actually work for YOU."<br/>"Well, it's not like that..."<br/>"Yes it is!" Howard now shouted really loudly "if you got insurance money I wouldn't have to invest money again and I’d have to bring in new workers now too!!" <br/>Howard sounded like he was really angry.<br/>"I’ll pay for everything." Tom sounded as if he was crying. "I promise!"<br/>"Those are nice words, but what do I get out of it?"<br/>Then we hear paper rustling, but no words were spoken until suddenly Howard said <br/>"Aahh, now we're getting closer. Why didn't you give me that right away?"<br/>Chatter we couldn’t understand and then Howard’s voice sounding pleased "we should toast to that. Tom Parker keeps a promise Hahaha! Hope you have anything decent to drink?"<br/>There was the sound of glass banging against glass and Tom's dawning laughter, embarrassed and knowing he'd really fucked up. Again I looked at Arthur who just shook his head, not knowing what that meant either. <br/>"Ah that's a good rum!" Howard groaned, "You can get me a box of that."<br/>"I'll tell Sidney." another short silence "so he can get you the box."<br/>"Tom!" then Howard shouted, "Get out of the habit of telling me what you're going to do, just do it!! I want that box in my apartment the day my guest arrives, I don't give a shit who gets it here, it has to be there! At that time and not a moment later!"<br/>"Yes of course, of course."<br/>"Yes of course, of course" Howard mimicked Tom and for that alone I could ram my fist into his face, he had absolutely no respect for anything or anyone. I hoped Tom would finally realise that. Howard laughed out loud. <br/>"Now don't look like that, it's all right!" he then shouted, again a sound like hitting, but as Tom made no sound I figured Howard was hitting his thigh or the sofa. Then we heard the voice clearer, they were about to go to the door.<br/>"And one more thing, Tom, if I give you some advice... stick to it."<br/>"Yes of course, yes...." Tom fell silent.<br/>"Oh just one?" Howard laughed again. "It’ll be alright and when I get back we'll talk about the rest."<br/>"Yes." Tom sounded like an intimidated boy.<br/>Clap clap, a little moan, now Howard had patted Tom's face after all, I was sure and clenched my fists but Arthur held me by the arm and shook his head. I shouldn’t get involved.<br/>"And tell your wife I want to dine here finally," Howard said with a chuckle "wants to see what it's like."<br/>Tom didn’t answer, but it sounded like a threat and not a reminder of an invitation. Shortly afterwards we heard the door slam and Arthur and I ran to Tom, who threw himself theatrically onto the sofa at that very moment.<br/>"What did you promise him?" we asked and as I looked him in the face I knew his answer before he said a word.</p>
<p>I ran out of the house. I just didn't know where to go. The best thing would probably be to run after Howard and knock his fucking laughter out of his face, but it was all right, Tom had really fucked up, but we couldn’t do anything about it. Damn that bloody idiot!!! Besides, I wasn't an immature boy anymore, so I had to take my anger somewhere else, and no, I couldn't go to Charlotte in this state! Looking into her face wouldn’t calm me down! The way I was, the fire of anger I felt, I'd probably just grab her and kiss her so hard… of course that would calm my anger but not the passion and desire I felt for HER. No, of course I wouldn't do that! I knew exactly I wouldn’t be able to stop when I would start THIS kind of kiss and I had promised myself to behave properly and, as I said, I was no longer an immature little boy! <br/>So I tried to not to run and walked slowly to the hotel and as I had thought Algernon and Francis were sitting there and had some fun with the maids from the bar. They immediately saw that something was wrong and the women dispersed like a swarm of flies. I sank heavily into a chair and before they had even finished their questions I rattled off and told them what had happened. They tried to calm me down or at least to make me speak more quietly and I tried, I really tried but SHIT, I just couldn't calm down and luckily my mates knew what to do! Not five minutes later we were back on the road and they were dragging me down to the beach to the tents where we could undress and go for a swim, but GUYS!! I didn't feel like swimming where everyone could see me so I persuaded them to come with me to the place I always went to but then I remembered that the last time I went to that place I had my head full of pictures of Charlotte also naughty ones from my dreams and suddenly it seemed like I was dishonouring the place somehow. I know I KNOW it was stupid, but that's how I felt, so we turned back. They didn't know what was going on in my head and of course thought I was just confused about Tom, so I told them everything and I mean EVERYTHING with Howard, also everything about the Denham’s and Charlotte’s father. I only keep it to myself what we said and did, as we were alone. It was to precious to share with anyone… ahhh yes except you. Ha!<br/>My friends were surprised and shocked but talked mostly about Tom’s stupidity and as often Babington saw the heart of the matter.</p>
<p>"You can't always save Tom." Yes I know that!<br/>"Be glad you're getting married soon and will have enough problems of your own." Francis laughed and though I knew it was meant as a joke I asked worriedly, <br/>"What problems?" why problems, what problems, WHAT? WHY?  <br/>Babington laughed even before Francis continued but he put images in my head with his words that I couldn't need right now but still couldn't escape them.<br/>"The problems that a wife and marriage bring," Crowe said in an innocent tone and Babington, the naughty guy, added, "the problem you can take her anywhere." <br/>And YES people I knew exactly what he meant with THAT choice of words!<br/>"Stop it!" I shouted him in the face but he just grinned. <br/>I didn't want him to say such things about Charlotte, even though my head was about to burst from all the images I already had, though I just desired to kiss her. Just that simple one little kiss. Nothing more… I swear!!<br/>"And how." Both giggled like two little schoolboys.<br/>"Stop it, DAMN!" <br/>I thought I was going to have to slap him.<br/>"Sidney, really. Think of the woman you love, who you've been pining for weeks!" cried Francis.<br/>"I’m not pining." I snapped, and of course failed miserably in this attempt to pass myself off as the good man I wasn't. Yes yes yes I WASN’T. They were right! You were right! I pined for her… and desired her and dreamed about her and us and all what would happen between us in the future and… God YES! <br/>"No, of course not." laughed Babington and pulled me out of my head "if she is half as wonderful as you wanted us to believe, I'd be crazy about her," laughing loud as I walked faster. </p>
<p>They teased me further and laughed till I gave them one nasty look and they stopped. Then they talked me to take a bath in the cold sea and I let them persuade me. It was probably better if I cooled down anyway. Not only because of Tom STUPIDEST Parker Also for later when I would visit her. And YES I’m definitely going alone!!! I won't sit down at a table with Tom after that bullshit he had done and Arthur said the same!!! Never again! Well… maybe we I would after all he was our brother and it was none of our business... not my business, but still. That JERK!<br/>I was able to calm down in the cool water and the two of them stopped planting images in my head with their words and after a quarter of an hour in the water we ran out and got dressed. They had convinced me so far - as if I didn't already know that there was nothing more important than leaving Tom behind and starting MY new life with MY wife (sorry but I had to say it again - in case you forgot!) I KNEW I had to leave my childish protective instinct towards Tom behind me and finally become the MAN (and husband) I would like to become. Charlotte’s man who would be there for her and her father and oh god again images flooded my head, but not naughty ones – just of children… our children. Children! Wow I was about to start MY own family!!! I didn’t freak out, No NO!! Believe me I was absolute calm and cool, yes…ha no not really but anyway. I was sure I would do everything to keep them safe. Just like their homes and fortunes. <br/>Well anyway, after the swim and a bit of chatting with my friends, we went back to town and we saw the black carriage of Mrs Denham and I told Babington to look into the window, maybe he could remember the face of Edward. Before he could tell me Edward lifted his eyes and looked at me, he made a kind of greeting but it wasn’t one. He tapped his forehead with his index and middle finger of his right hand and pointed them at me. Harmless... if it hadn't been for the movement of his thumb, which imitated the movement of pulling the trigger. I had to swallow and looked at Babington, if he remembered this man and I saw it on his face that he did. Algernon couldn’t remember the name but the face and unfortunately knew that the guy, even not in this group of men Babington was in, a gentleman who was exactly what he bragged about. One who hurt his opponents, but he didn’t know if also fatally.</p>
<p>I went back home. I ignored Tom, talked to Mary and of course she understood that I couldn't bear a family dinner tonight, she couldn’t either. She promised to sort it out with the Heywood’s and went to see Charlotte and her father. Kindly she took a little letter for Charlotte from me and I wished it had the effect I hoped for. Just imagining her blushing cheeks when she would read my little message lifted my heart and my spirits. <br/>But at first I thought my little joke, which was nothing more than a harmless suggestion, had missed its mark and I was ashamed to have been so pushy. Not really pushy but I had written to her that I couldn't forget what I would have liked to do on the beach and I hoped I would have the chance… later. I know it was cheeky but it was the truth. As soon as I thought of her and the way she looked on the beach and the way I had held her, I was overcome by this strong urge to kiss her again and it was also a possibility not to think of her sweet little nipples pressing hard through the damp fabric of her dress. Oooo now I had them in my mind more prominent as ever… shit! Kiss kiss yes I thought of her mouth and… and I almost couldn't stand it any more. I had my urges under control, but the thought of that one little kiss, as wonderful as it had been, couldn't calm me down any more. The thought of it was just too much, you know? It had been so small and innocent and beautiful that just the slightest memory of it made me... I don't know... I didn't want to kiss her innocently. I wanted more, MORE, just more to satisfy my need. I was sure I would feel better afterwards, free and light, like after quenching an urgent thirst I was absolutely sure of it…. but I was SO wrong.</p>
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<a name="section0028"><h2>28. step by step</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>well... Sidney get what he had desired...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As I promised...</p>
<p>I really hope you like it, please ENJOY!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Sidney!" greeted me Mr Heywood as I arrived but I could barely look at him, as I only had eyes for Charlotte. She was wearing the white dress she wore the first time I had seen her in her home and all the meetings with her lingered in my mind. Her hair looked so soft and I would have liked to touch it. I sought her gaze when we greeted and tried to wink at her so she would understand that we were sharing an inside joke or something like that with this letter I had written, the words I had used, the promise I made with it, but she avoided looking at me completely. Ooo that was not good!<br/>
"Good evening." she breathed and after a tiny glance in my face she stared at her feet and then at her hands or at the table or at her father. Not one time she looked at me - all evening! It pained me to my core. I didn't know if she had told her father what I did or just asked him to take my mind off HER but Mr Heywood talked as much and as animatedly as he had at the beginning of our acquaintance. I was happy for he has to feel better, really better and at one point he confirmed to me that it was because his aunt had left.<br/>
"Now we've got rid of her for now until we go back to London".  He exclaimed delighted.<br/>
When I told him that I had seen her carriage drive away when I came back from the beach with my friends, he laughed so heartily that even Charlotte forgot she was trying to ignore me and gave me a quick look and a beautiful smile. I held her gaze and silently tried to apologise to her for my behaviour, but what I saw was no anger. No she wasn't angry with me. She was just... nervous? Ooooh yes, of course she was!! What a fool I was!! Damn! That was the reason and my heart hammered a little faster, because the idea or knowledge or the thought that she was nervous, told me that she had THOUGHT about what I had written! Oh damn, probably all evening and before… ever since she got it! That must have been very thrilling for her, if I couldn't think of anything else since then and had accidentally started the business letters I wrote earlier with dear Charlotte, several times. YES YES! You can laugh!!! But for her it must be so… much more because she had no idea what I was talking about. I mean she knew what I meant, of course she knew, but she didn’t KNEW you know. I smiled at her, my softest smile so she would not be scared about what I wanted to do. An assurance that I would be gentle and of course patient and that I wanted her to want it too and that I only wanted to do it IF she wanted to do it.</p>
<p>Her father pulled my attention back and he looked at us with an amused smile before he continued to talk. He was really lively and I was convinced by his manner that he was feeling so much better than in the morning as he was so tired watching Charlotte swim. It was worrying that that awful aunt and everything around her could do that and the doctor's words echoed in my brain - no stress! I should work out a plan with the two of them to avoid that awful person continuing to annoy him and told him that. Mr Heywood answered with words that really moved me.<br/>
"Now I have you as a couple to protect me from her." he laughed and pretended it was meant as a joke, but the truth was in it.<br/>
He reached across the table and squeezed Charlotte's hand and I wished I could do that as well.<br/>
"We’ll just have to give her a task or two and she'll want to be at your appointment with the tailor, but if you have Mrs Parker by your side..."<br/>
"I'll manage it, Papa,” said Charlotte lightly.<br/>
I found it so admirable how she always took her father's worries away so he could relax. I knew I should take away all of HER worries and should make sure she could relax. A plan was forming in my head –and NOOO no naughty thoughts.<br/>
"She'll want to make herself important at the wedding, but we'll find something she can do."<br/>
"Papa, don't worry."<br/>
Charlotte looked over at me and smiled and then it faded and suddenly had a special meaning. No wonder, of course she had noticed how foolishly I had stared at her. Under my gaze she blushed and lowered her eyes.<br/>
We were talking about a few more pleasant things and I relaxed. It was like a cosy evening at the fireplace it was all warm and just fine. I wasn’t so on edge, I didn’t felt the urge to kiss her so desperate anymore. Just to be near her in the same room was enough. Not enough, like I didn’t want to touch or kiss her but enough in the moment, it would have been great when I would have the permission to just hold her hand, to sit next to her or even to look her deeply in the eyes a few moments longer. My sweet Charlotte still avoided looking into my eyes while we ate the dessert but the longer the evening the more relaxed she became as well. Her laugh was more real and her gaze fell more often on me and though her cheeks were still red it was more because of the warmth instead of me. After a while she didn’t avert her gaze anymore and I could tell by her look on her face that she wasn’t so nervous anymore even when we talked about the most important things, like the wedding, the wedding date, the things she wanted to show me and what she wanted me to see and to try out.<br/>
"You’ll have time to explore everything Charlotte, you don’t need to do everything in the moment you wed." Her father chuckled but let his eyes wander to me and I understood perfectly well what he meant with this hints. Take it slow! And of course I will, I loved her too much than to rush something, after all I had promised her after I gave her my heart: all in her time.</p>
<p>After dinner we sat down in the living room and Charlotte told me with a gaze to sit next to her and again we tried not to touch, though I knew her father wouldn’t complain, he knew what we felt and that I was a gentleman (though my thoughts weren’t always, but only you knew that). Mr Heywood asked me about Tom and I told him what we had recently found out and he said similar words as my friends.<br/>
"I know Sidney, family is the most important thing but... well... don't forget that Tom is an adult and responsible for himself and his family."<br/>
"I know and also that there are more important things for me now."<br/>
I couldn't help looking to Charlotte at my right and she smiled at me and you know what? It didn't kill me… I mean it was sweet and she was just... gorgeous but I wasn't as tense as I had been in the morning. I didn’t know why it was so but I liked to be my normal self around her, after all, I didn't want to scare my girl.<br/>
"We’d be happy to help if you think it would be good..." Mr Heywood began but I shook my head and looked back at him.<br/>
"No... Please. I don't want you to invest anything in his business. It’s like a bottomless pit. He always wants more."<br/>
I was ashamed to talk about my brother this way but it was the truth and I don’t know the Heywood’s had this special thing in their eyes, which demanded nothing more than the truth.<br/>
"I hope this can be avoided that he looses the house but…"<br/>
Charlotte touched my fingers light and I stopped thinking of anything else and fell back into this cosy relaxed mood. It was just perfect and I was thinking I would love to live the rest of my life like this. In this state of calmness.<br/>
"Maybe we can help in other ways. With ideas or if we invite Mary every now and then." she said in a soft voice and I relaxed even more.<br/>
The Heywood’s did really understand what it meant to be a family, to be there for each other to help with words and gestures.<br/>
"That would be nice." Said Mr Heywood and I was pleased that they had both already taken Mary into their hearts.<br/>
We talked a bit more about my friends and the papers and I looked at her and back to him and than we chuckled about something what her father said about the upcoming ball or dancing or about or last dance – I can’t remember what exactly because I looked at her and everything went suddenly blank. First everything was normal as in the next moment Charlotte lost her smile and lowered her eyes, took a sip of her wine and seemed nervous as if she had remembered what I had promised her. Then I noticed that her father stood up in exactly that moment and I was absolutely lost in my thoughts as he mumbled something about<br/>
"Time to take my medicine. Will you excuse me?"<br/>
He didn't even wait for an answer and walked out of the room and I was convinced he would let it open… </p>
<p>Oooh shit he closed the door!!! Now I knew she was nervous cause she had seen her father got up while I had been watching her and she had known that he would close the door or no... or? Was she nervous for she liked my promise? Or did she feel cornered? Or threatened? Oooo... she wouldn't consider it a threat, would she? Not that I had scared her off... and what should I do if...? I had to take the opportunity, didn't I? Or rather not? Should I apologise for my letter or not even bring up the subject or... or just wait and see what happened? What if nothing happened? If she didn't want something to happen? OOOhh!!! Charlotte brushed my hand very light with one finger and I looked at her. She was so… so wow… you know.. glowing… she was so lovely and shy. I turned more to her with my whole body and my right leg pressed against her knees and I turned my hand she was touching and our palms stroked over each other. I heard her breathing went a little bit faster and I smiled and searched for words, took a deep breath and said:<br/>
"I shouldn't have written this letter."<br/>
Her eyes fluttered like a flag in the wind, she seemed nervous but she shook her head and I was confused, did that mean yes I shouldn't have written it or...?<br/>
"Why not?"<br/>
Her voice was so low I couldn’t really trust my ears if I had heard right. Our gazes locked and her beautiful mouth curled up in a shy but lovely smile. I was relieved and leaned a little bit closer and Charlotte held my gaze, she was not afraid just nervous and I was it as well. I glanced at her lips and she opened them a little, if she knew what she was doing? Did she know how hard it was for me? Not to rush it. SLOWLY!! Take your time to get to know each other, slowly step by step, be patient, don’t scare her! This all was hammering in my head like a mantra. I lowered my head and leaned once again a little bit closer. I heard her swallow and I leaned closer and her breath tickled the skin of my cheek, and I leaned closer and then I kissed her cheek and she led out her breath as I let my lips slide up to her ear. I closed my eyes because this feeling captured me completely. Her soft, smooth skin under my lips was the best thing ever. Her breath went faster as I opened my mouth and brushed her ear as I whispered:<br/>
"You are so beautiful, Charlotte."<br/>
Very slowly, so as not to frighten her I let my hand, which was not connected to hers, slide around her but pressed it against the back of the sofa instead of touching her. Only when I noticed that she had relaxed a little, did I dare to touch her waist with very light fingers. It was warm so warm in this room, I wanted to take off my clothes… not all of them of course but… anyway. I kissed her temple and her eyelashes tickled my lips as she closed her eyes as I moved back to her cheek. My hand slid to her back and again I waited until her breathing had adjusted. Slow, slow, slow!!!<br/>
"I love you." I confessed and if I heard correctly she took a shaky breath I really hoped she would like it. My hand gently stroked up her back until I felt her hair under my fingers, it was so soft and I stroked it only with my fingertips. Charlotte liked it, her quiet sigh made me feel warm and she was so close and she wasn't trying to lean away, no… it was more like she was moving closer without moving, like a very gentle little wave at a windless day at the sea. Fucking hell I’d been waiting ages to do this and now I was incredibly nervous about screwing up!! My heart raced and hot blood coursed through my veins, I wanted to taste her lips, so much! She tensed a little as my lips moved closer to her mouth, but the thought flashed through my mind that she wanted it too, otherwise she would have turned away. I waited once more and her lips... oh I could already taste them, taste the sweet wine on her pink lips. My pulse was pounding and not only on my neck but also in other places. It was real... it was like a torture… never was an almost kiss arousing like this. Really I was… hot… but on the other hand I had no idea that I could be so patient. Her fingers stroked my hand almost imperceptibly and wrapped around my wrist. This delicate touch, somehow pressed my body together, I had no idea... it was somehow so heavy on me, but it was a good thing.... she trembled as my lips slid over hers. I waited…. a pulse beat and another. </p>
<p>Then… then I kissed her. Properly…. pressed my lips on hers. Waited. She let me do it and warmth was all over me, above me. In my heart. In my brain.. My mouth followed the contour of her lips as if to really get to know them, taste every bit of them. They were so soft, the lower lip a bit more plump then her upper lip... but so smooth and Charlotte was kind of soft. Our mouths were perfectly for each other.. Then I paused again and it wasn’t for her it was for me… I found it hard to breath… to control myself. I got a little... harder... aaah no I mean IT was getting harder… so yeah, but I meant my lips! I pressed my lips a little bit harder to her upper lip. Several times. Then I paused and released very slightly… and Charlotte? It was just.. oh good god!! She leaned closer! Closer!! She wanted more or didn't want me to stop! This was overwhelming!! I took her lips again. Harder... and damn it, she moaned. Yes she MOANED!!! And lust ran through me. Pure lust…. the feeling of being the greatest. I had made her moan with my lips! Not my hands or anything, just my lips on hers… oh I NEED to be patient! She was moaning with desire... she had no idea, sure, but there was also this urge in her, this eagerness to kiss me back, cause her other hand was on my upper arm and held on there, but not to hold me, but to PULL me. Her mouth followed mine, imitating every movement, sweet and clumsy and I would like to kneel down and it was innocent and so damn arousing. She wanted to be closer to me just like I wanted to be closer to her! That was so honest and I was full of... GGGGGRRRR ahhh I wanted to get closer closer closer. I wanted to feel her body under mine. Her hand in my hair and her sweet little nipples against my chest... I know.... it's intense, it wasn't supposed to be, and I screamed in my head NO NO!!! Control yourself!!! CONTROL YOURSELF!! You promised it!! I detached and she snatched at my lip! And a hard noise rose up inside me, I don't know where it came from, it vibrated in my chest. I longed for her closeness. For more of her. Just more. I wanted to be one with her, and it was somehow right and wrong to want it, but I couldn't help it. My hand grabbed her silky hair tighter and I pressed her lower back while I sucked her upper lip gently into my mouth and then I didn't do it quite so gentle and careful anymore. I became greedier with every little tremor of hers. I shuddered as she obeyed my lips and opened her mouth. I had never felt such a desire. The desire to dive into her... well, I mean into her mouth... my tongue slipped between her lips, very briefly and she panted. Panted hard as my tongue touched the tip of hers and…. I stopped and withdrew, but our lips were still touching. I felt her digging her fingernails into my skin on my neck – when did she put her hand there? Charlotte didn't lean away and I was wondering if I should dare again... yes??? Very carefully I stroked her lower lip with the tip of my tongue and she gasped, but not in disgust or scared... I felt I was asking for it… and she was about to let it happen. I knew I had to stop! I closed my lips around hers and paused. Did it again and paused again. Then I pulled my head back. It was heavy, like the wet sand under my feet when the tide came in and held you to the ground. Charlotte was kind of… sucking me back, but I had to stop. Stop! </p>
<p>Her father would come back and Charlotte... what was I doing to her? I forced myself to open my eyes and looked at her. It was a divine sight. Her eyes were closed, her cheeks so beautifully flushed and her lips moist from my - NO our kisses. My hand, which was on the back of her neck, carefully stroked her face and when I stroked her lips with my thumb, she opened her eyes. It was as if she was a little enraptured, her gaze seemed to have to focus first, she was breathing fast and it was just breath-taking beautiful.<br/>I wanted to asked her how she felt and if she liked it and if she would forgive me what I did and if she would also like to do it again, now and always and forever and I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, how much I longed for this kiss and how much I wanted her and that I would like to continue. I opened my mouth and out came only.<br/>"Charlotte."<br/>I leaned closer I tried to keep calm and tried to get all my questions out, I put my forehead on hers to not sink down and struggled with my emotions as she answered me with:<br/>"I love you, too."</p>
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<a name="section0029"><h2>29. calm and relaxed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sidney really believes he is calm and relaxed....</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys,</p>
<p>I'm SO SORRY to let you wait so long but RL was very busy and I wasn't able to post earlier.<br/>Therefore I made a longer chapter and I really hope you will forgive me. ;-)</p>
<p>Have a nice read!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As if I wasn't already unable to think just from our kiss and the fact that she had wanted it too and had pulled me close to her, her declaration did the rest. I mean, yes, of course... I was already quite sure that she liked me a little bit… ha! A bit more and didn't want to become my wife for nothing, but... that she was already ready to admit what she felt…. that was just absolute madness! A good madness and I was bubbling over with happiness. <br/>Under my stare, she seemed to become a little uncertain, for her gaze wavered between my eyes and the wall next to the window. But I had to know. <br/>"Are you all right?" it was a silly but also a neutral question that she could answer in many different ways, but she just nodded.<br/>"If I'm being too brisk, tell me or push me away, will you?" I searched her eyes to tell her that I meant what I said, what I had promised her. She nodded, still smiling.<br/>I tried to explain it better "I don't want you to feel pressured or..."<br/>In this moment Charlotte put her hand on my face and I don't know exactly why, but it made me fall silent. Well I know why, because for one thing it was the scarred side, which didn't seem to bother her and she looked at me... with that look... you know THAT look you get when you're really hard in love and the emotions were glittering in her eyes like stars in the sky. I was silly poetic but it was exactly what it was like, but I couldn't say anything else as she leaned closer. Yes, she leaned closer, yes yes exactly to kiss me! And she did, so damn gently that I completely stiffened. No, not what you're thinking! I meant I didn't move, for it was so... I don't know, so tender and sweet. Oh, yes wow...  so just… wonderful, it was like our first touch of lips, a small sea breeze. God I loved her so much - as if you didn’t know by now, ha ha - but I needed to tell you cause I couldn’t say it over and over again to HER. My heart was just so full it pounded heavy in my chest.<br/>"I will." she breathed and I didn't know what she was talking about and looked at her. My brain had to caught its breath because that soft kiss was somehow the cherry on top of the cake. The proof of her words and I couldn't help but smile and since she was smiling too I knew everything would be all right.</p>
<p>I was so glad that this feeling still lasted as I lay in my bed later and thought about the last few weeks. All would be fine, I was so sure that I laughed for a short moment as I realised that I was much more relaxed. My thoughts and feelings were not chasing one thought after another, but were calm and clear. It was as if my ship was floating in still waters after a whipping storm and metre-high waves, the never-ending force of its onslaught now finally overcome. I was again able to see the land on the horizon to which I was travelling and where my new life was waiting. And yes! It was exciting and it scared the hell out of me, but the certainty that I would not set foot on this island alone gave me the peace I had thrown overboard as I was confronted with Tom’s mess… The order in my head was restored. The lists written and the things checked off that I had to do. New plans made, new tasks ready to be completed and other things filed away. You can imagine how relieved I was… at least as far as everything else was concerned. I should have guessed that my unrestrained desire to kiss and feel Charlotte would have been exacerbated. Yes yes, and you all have thought it anyway, I know! How I could be so stupid as to seriously believe I would feel better then!! Ha ha, but I did, but the desire to... let's say it like it is - to devour her was all the greater and yet I was calmer and my promise was settled in my brain, I knew how to behave. I wouldn’t break any promise I had given her or would give her in the future, never!<br/>Anyway, the next two days really went by faster than I would have thought, or in my memory they went by, because I can't really remember anything except how Charlotte tasted the next day and the day after - the day of the ball and how she looked like!! Really guys I think my fiancée was unable to know what she did to me, she wasn’t aware of the lust she triggered in me, but honestly I think she was about to kill me when she did what she did, but... I know you think THIS totally dull and would rather hear about Tom and his mess of papers, his strange dependence on Howard and whether the things discovered at the construction site would prove Howard to be the perpetrator of some crooked deal.... I know, but I don't care!! I want to tell you about Charlotte!! How we got to know each other better, and really not just the kissing and snuggling.... All right, SIGH... if you really must know (you can’t see it, but please imagine my famous eye roll)... GROAN…okay…</p>
<p>What had happened and what Tom had done was bad but I couldn't help him, after all Trafalgar house belonged to him alone - not yet anymore but... he was just too stupid! The thing with Howard was clear, as clear as I had seen it from the beginning, but we could neither prove anything nor stop my brother from getting more involved with him. I couldn't support him in his project with good advice, money or another investment, because it was too connected to Howard and I had sworn that I would never, and I mean NEVER, do business with him. And I ALWAYS kept my promises. Fortunately, Arthur had also gone so far as to stay out of business. He would pass on the knowledge he had gained in Bath to Tom, but what Tom did with it was more or less not his business. He had also stated seriously and credibly that he would not do any business with Howard. His job would only be to do what we had already discussed and beyond that he would stay out of everything. <br/>Mary, of course, was the one who would suffer the most, because her life would change enormously. I was so sorry for her, as she always spent the summer in Sanditon but was now planning the journey back to London and not only the short visit to help Charlotte to find a wedding dress. She was so angry with Tom; I have never seen her like this ever before. Arthur was sure we would find a solution for her. He and Diana offered they would take the children when we would be in London. Charlotte and her father had said more then once, that Mary could stay on their country estate after the wedding of course also with the children.  The way Mary had scolded and argued with Tom before I went to bed! Wow this was another level. She wasn't going to stand quietly by and support his nonsense this time, though she would keep an eye on him, but of course, she had no real chance of punishing him other than by being absent, what else could she do? So she was more than willing to extend the visit to London but in view of Mr Heywood’s health, we couldn't stay in the city for too long. <br/>I was only going to show him my company. Charlotte had already announced that she would like to visit it too and it made me happy that she showed so much interest in it and even shyly let me know that she would like to help me. Though I thought she had the necessary intelligence and integrity, there was one tiny or rather not so tiny problem with her working with me... she would distract me too much from getting my things done, but I couldn't tell her that and by no means could tell her the reason why I thought this way before we were married. And of course not in front of her father... well I thought I would have plenty of opportunities in the future to prove it... I mean to tell her my worries.</p>
<p>Well, I was looking forward to London immensely, because somehow everything would become more real. By signing the marriage settlement, the whole thing would become so serious in the eyes of the law, you know? Also the banns and the final date would finally become a REAL date, but that wasn't what was most exciting. I was aware that especially the plans for my move into their house would be drastic. Maybe not so much for me, because I felt comfortable in that house or what I knew of it from the beginning and had already lived in so many places. For me it was nothing new to move into an existing household and look for my place in it. For the Heywood’s it would be an adjustment and let's face it, the moment Charlotte really becomes aware that I and she will share a room in the future and especially a bed, she will panic one way or another - no matter what her feelings for me were. I was aware of that and I was determined to relieve her of any worries. I was completely relaxed about it, I would even move into a guest room for her sake if it would make her feel better, if she needed time to get used to me. For even though we had these strong feelings for each other, we didn't really know each other that well yet and even though we were getting to know each other better every day, it was still something completely different to suddenly live together… and share a bed with a man as an innocent girl! As far as I understood so far, because we couldn't go into detail (yet), she had absolutely no idea. Not only about the physical feelings she aroused in me, but also about everything else that was to come. Of course I believed that she basically knew what was happening in the marital bed. She had read too many books that I couldn't believe she didn't know one or two things. I assumed that she mainly knew about feelings and was of course primarily preoccupied with her own. <br/>Her father's presence in the house would help her in some way, though it could also be rather disturbing in other ways - if you know what I mean. </p>
<p>So, have I told you enough about everything? Can we finally get down to the really important things? Good, finally! </p>
<p>We really couldn't postpone the family dinner any longer, because Tom would definitely announce our engagement at the ball the next day. Not to celebrate us, or in this case not even him, but simply to distract from the disaster that he had simply run away as the balcony came down. Even if most of the people present at the ball had not been there, they would have heard one or the other rumour about how the self-proclaimed patron of the city had stolen away while others needed help. The good thing was that the Heywood’s were just incredibly good with people and could make up for bad moods with their charming manners. While Charlotte entertained Mary, Diana and Arthur, Mr Heywood and I talked mostly about politics. He also explained a few things that one should know as a lord of the manor and it was probably the first time that Tom realised that the Heywood’s really came from the old landed gentry and that I was marrying into a family that was responsible for several small villages and their inhabitants. He tried to join in the conversation, but as he had even less knowledge than I did and politically had neither knowledge nor an opinion, he quickly fell silent. <br/>I had never been so aware as I was at that moment that Tom seemed to be living on an island. A lonely island where everything was about architecture and the development of his town and, above all, money. I have to admit, it also made me sad. After all, he had always been someone I had looked up to, someone I had admired. For his creativity, his artistic talent, his always positive corporate spirit. Over this meal I realised that Tom had always had it too easy. As our father's first son and heir, he had had a foundation of money and property, his wife, good-natured and blinded by his enthusiasm, had stood idly by for years. His brothers, without asking further questions, had stupidly and trusting taken every opportunity to help him. We had seen helping the great Tom as a privilege, as a distinction when he had asked us for. I was grateful to help him, after all he had saved me by paying off my gambling debts and putting me on this ship, which had given me the opportunity to make my own fortune and was the beginning of a new life, but unlike me, Tom had never once learned from mistakes - his own or those of others. He was mentally inflexible, I didn't want to say dumb but simply too uninterested in everything else then his beloved Sanditon and everything that had to do with it. Though it saddened me, as I said, it wasn't that important any more. I mean it still WAS important, but it was a fact that I couldn't change. All the years I had spent talking to him were in vain, he hadn't understood anything and didn't seem to care. I was… - how should I put it without sounding like a complete ass? It was what it was and I had resigned myself to not being able to help him.</p>
<p>There you see I was totally relaxed. At peace with everything and myself. Tidied up like the things on my to-do list. Calm. Until the moment we were served the tea and Charlotte handed me my cup. It was the first time since our greeting that we were standing so close to each other and as mentioned briefly before, she was not aware of what she was doing. Our fingers touching as she handed me the tea was beautiful. Her fingers smooth and cool, her gaze into my eyes as if she had the same desire to be alone and her cheeks flushed as I smiled at her told me I was right with my assumptions. We looked at each other and she leaned towards me. Her breath tickled the little bit of skin on the side of my neck that wasn't covered with clothes and I closed my eyes to enjoy the feeling. Only then did I really take in her words. <br/>"I want you to go down."<br/>"Hmm?" my brain wasn't ready to put those words into context and I probably looked at her confused.<br/>"You have no chance!" she grinned cheekily and added "on me." <br/>My brain swivelled in all sorts of directions – all right just ONE direction as only a few words of all she had said reached me - good heavens!!! No, I will not repeat what my horny self had heard, I had not planned to hear or even think such a thing! - I want you to go down on me – yes… What can I do about it? It wasn't me!! Not all of me… Anyway I must have looked at her with such uncomprehending look that she shook her head and gave a short groan.<br/>"You didn't give me one look for the whole time of dinner! That's why I'll finish you off later, count on it!" <br/>I still had very clear images in my head, although of course I knew she didn't mean THAT, but somehow I couldn't quite follow her… my very calm heart and much more calm brain weren’t so calm anymore and I tried to think of other things than this what I saw in my head.<br/>"Have you forgotten?" She asked in such a lovely way that I was so ashamed of my thoughts and tried to gather myself but then she tilted her head and YOU know what that did to me! <br/>I stared swallowing at her pretty neck and I swear I was about to lean in and lick it. Oh those images in my head again....<br/>"Whatever is going on in your head, forget all that. We’ll play chess like you promised and you'll pay for not looking at me once." She said and gave me an evil look. <br/>It was just an act and so incredibly charming that I just had to kiss her, and since we weren't alone, I could only take her hand and press my lips on it. Her skin tasted of roses, or maybe the scent was so strong that I could taste it, but it was definitely roses. Judging by the smoothness of her skin, it was probably rose oil she had put on and my brain unfortunately wandered back to the images I tried to supress and I imagined where else she might have put it and abruptly let go of her hand. Charlotte was so.. Cute, the way she smiled at me, she really had no idea what was going on and went back to the others. <br/>I wished them nothing more than to disappear immediately!! Of course they didn't and so I had to play chess against Charlotte in front of them after we had finished our tea. My head full of images of her words, which were quite different from what I had made of them, coupled with the images from my dream - you know the one where I ripped off her clothes and pushed her on the chessboard and did what she had accidentally let me understand earlier.</p>
<p>Honestly I was glad when the evening was over, although I hated not having been alone with her for one single moment, I was still glad. I wasn't quite sure - despite my vows and good intentions - if I could really keep my promise to take it slow, to do everything at her pace. I really hoped it would get better with every day, that I would calm down and try to get ready for everything, not to take every word she said as a sexual innuendo. I didn't want to jump on her and consume her as soon as I got the chance. I had to find a way to deal with the sexual power she already had over me, even if I embarrassingly couldn't think of anything better to do at the time than... you know, to lay hands on me. Not that I woke up every morning with full hands and a full head anyway. Nevertheless, it was also a good... relaxation opportunity and well, that's all I'll say about that.</p>
<p>I don't want you to think that's all I had in mind or that's what it was all about. I was of course attracted to her, her amazing body or what I got to see of it, but I was also completely enraptured by her head. Not just her gorgeous angelic face, but also her beautiful mind. Charlotte knew so much, had so many and serious opinions about so many things! I was really convinced that she had read all the books that were in her father's library and all the ones that I had put in their house as well. For she had acquired knowledge from the books about Antigua and it filled me with pride that she was so smart? Charlotte was some of this people who didn't think she had the wisdom and knowledge just because she had read a few books, she still had more thirst for more, wanted to know how it really was. She was aware that the truth was usually not as colourful and paradisiacal as the books and the pictures in it described it.</p>
<p>As we sat on the edge of a dune after a walk on the beach the next morning, waiting for her father who was walking a few steps behind us with Mary, she took my left hand in both of hers and tenderly stroked my scar there. She touched it so gently that I had to look to really make sure, that I wasn’t just imagining it. I knew she wanted to know more, that she wanted to hear the whole story, but she was so sweet and so patient with me, she didn't ask but just stroked it and then looked at me with so much love in her eyes that I would have loved to tell her there on the beach in the morning sun. There wouldn't be enough time and we both postponed this conversation with a nod and a smile, without saying a single word about it. It was also something I never thought could be true. This communication between two people who spoke only with their hearts. It was beautiful and I thanked god and Mr Heywood that I had this privilege to experience it with her.<br/>I also prayed for mercy and above all strength that I would get through the evening at the ball. Not this stupid talks from Tom or the handshakes with any of the investors. I wasn't really afraid of the stupid talk of my two friends, who wouldn't miss the opportunity to make one or two ambiguous remarks. No, I asked for strength to get through the evening at her side, because quite honestly, she just blew me away.<br/>I wanted to go with the Heywood to the assembly rooms and picked them up. I had a little brandy with her father in the living room and hurried to the stairs as soon as I heard the door to her room open. I stood there tense and excited and I had expected her to be beautiful, she always was, but the colour she wore emphasised her preciousness even more. It was a silky dream of a pale colour, something between a light blue and a soft lilac. Her hair was up in a simple but pretty way, her neck and her neckline were just inviting and I didn't mean that in any way sexually, more poetically. She seemed so vulnerable and enchanting and I stood there, my heart hammering in my chest and my feelings so confused that I couldn't get a word out at first. I wondered how it was possible that this wondrous creature wanted me? This pure significant being with a man like me? In the next moment, pride and so much warmth filled my body that I knew it was absolutely fine. It was all right that she would soon belong to me completely. That we would become one sometime in the future, because I was absolutely clear at that moment that we were two parts of a whole. And I’m not talking about hearts or puzzles. In my mind I compared it to a seashell. She the delicate pearly smooth inner side that held the treasure and I the rough outside that would do anything to protect the inside.<br/>We looked at each other and her father was kind enough to give us another moment alone, even though I wouldn't dare kiss anything but her hand, because after all, the door to the living room was open. As I helped her into her coat, I just couldn't suppress it. I reached out a finger and touched the spot under her ear. Charlotte gasped and breathed shakily as I slid the finger as slowly as I could down her neck, over the exposed skin of her shoulder to the fabric of her sleeve. I had such a longing to press my lips to the soft warm skin, but of course I reserved that for later… much later.</p>
<p>The evening just went on and on. First the talk from Tom, until he finally said he had good news. I must say I wasn't really listening, because I was just there, just anticipating the moment when I could finally hold her in my arms for the dance. PEOPLE!!! It was almost unbearable. It was a waltz and fuck me I have never had a dance that stretched her out and yet in what seemed like an instant it was over. I felt everything double and triple intensive and still felt it afterwards. Her hand in mine, her hand on my shoulder, sinking into her gaze. The desire to pull her even closer to me, to lean down and devour her, but in the slowest and most tender way.<br/>The comments of my friends who also danced with her in turn didn't bother me although they ranged from a teasing - oh you're so cute together, to a - I think I just watched you make love. It didn't bother me. The only thing that bothered me was that I only had the chance to dance with her once the whole evening, and it was such a boring dance where we were four feet apart and only once close enough for me to breathe in her rose scent, but all that faded away when I took her and her father home. </p>
<p>Not only was I able to offer her my arm and walk and talk with her by my side, no, I didn't miss the chance to help her out of her coat after her father had briefly excused himself to take his medicine again. Just like before, I put my finger on her warm skin. This time I didn't move the finger, I let it rest on her pulse. It beat hard and strong and we stayed like that for I don't know how long. Then as the coat slowly slipped off her body, we still stayed, exactly in the same position. No one said anything; there was no sound except her breathing. I tell you, she knew what was coming. Not WHAT was coming of course, but that something was coming, I could see it in the tension of her shoulders. It was a good tension, she was not frightened and she didn’t moved away from me. I saw her eyes fall shut as I leaned closer and my face hovered very close next to hers. Maybe she was expecting a kiss on the cheek or my face pressing against hers… but I…. I just gave in to my desire, bent lower and pressed my lips to her neck. Her inhale was like a moan and I wrapped my arms around her waist to hold her. Not tightly, just to give her support as she swayed a bit as I let my mouth move up over that fragrant rosy skin. I pressed my mouth there where my finger had been and her pulse, good heavens! It vibrated violently under my lips, but I did it again... and again. Charlotte's breath came in bursts, but she tilted her head and gave me better access and what should I do to take advantage of this opportunity?<br/>I wanted to kiss her properly and turned her in my arms while I took a step around her. We kissed and it was hot, she tasted salty and sweet and even though I was holding back it was SO damn HOT!! With one ear I concentrated on the noises from the upper floor. We kissed only very light. Charlotte held on to me, not pulling, just clinging to my collar. I slowed down and had the feeling she was too passive. Panic gripped me that maybe I had taken it too far and I slowly detached and looked at her.</p>
<p>I had already told you, of course Charlotte also had feelings of lust in her. Two days before she had pulled me close and wanted more, that was a fact. Her heated face had proved it then and did it in this moment too. The look in her eyes was feverish, but I had to try to understand what it meant for her, how it felt in other parts of her body. It must have been so strange for her, so foreign. You must know she had no one who would explain it to her and I assumed that it was my task and well, on this evening.. the evening of the ball I knew I had to start her… education.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. preperations</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Well, Sidney would like to start with the first lesson of the education but it doesn't work out...like he imagined.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oh guys I'm really sorry but somehow I didn't manage to post earlier. I'm really a bit busy at the moment... so I'm not making any promises of more than one update this week, but maybe it will be more but I can't promise anything unfortunately.</p><p>SORRY</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Of course, the first thing I wanted to know was if she had enjoyed it, but it couldn't have been that direct. I could tell by the way she looked at me and the way she was breathing that it was quite arousing. Well, I hoped so, of course, because I was quite... HA! never mind, it's not about me.<br/>
"Too much?" I asked her and Charlotte just looked at me with her big shiny eyes. "Do you want me to stop?"<br/>
By this words I let a finger run up her arm and I felt her goose bumps, slowly I stroked the sleeve of her dress and put my finger back on her heated skin on her shoulder. Her breath went faster and I loved the way she looked at me, as if she was in wonder. She still didn't say anything but just lowered her gaze for a moment before her eyes met mine again, apparently not sure what to say.<br/>
"Maybe you need some help deciding?"<br/>
Her eyes fluttered.<br/>
"May I do it again?" I asked my with my voice very low and I heard her make a breathless noise as she closed her eyes, moving her head ever so slightly to the right as if to show me that this side was it now. I was honestly relieved! She didn't want me to stop. I kissed her again as slowly as I could, only our lips touched and one hand slowly stroked her neck, the other one staying right where it was, a safe distance from any dangerous parts of her body at her waist. I felt her breath quicken as I slowly moved my mouth down her cheek to her neck. Her pulse hammered so violently under my lips... I knew I had to be careful. CAREFUL!!! I pressed another gentle kiss to the soft warm skin, only then I nibbled at the spot and I heard her shakily draw in her breath as if she was in pain. I left it at that for now and let my lips slide slowly to her ear.<br/>
"Do you like it?"<br/>
God, please make her like it! PLEASE!!! Charlotte didn't answer and still had her eyes closed when I looked at her, that little crease was there between her eyebrows.<br/>
"I hope you like it." Shit, it didn't sound too desperate, did I? She should know it was about her, only her. Finally she looked at me but was still unable to answer, she was struggling to compose herself, I was sure of it. Damn, she was such an angel!<br/>
"If not, tell me." I held her gaze and then became quite serious "alright?"<br/>
Finally she nodded and I smiled. Never again should she think that anything would happen without her consent.<br/>
"I know it's all so new... so different." approach the subject carefully! I told me.<br/>
Her mouth twitched slightly, as if she wanted to smile but somehow it didn't work properly.<br/>
"Are you warm too?" after all, we were the same, sitting in the same boat.<br/>
Finally she nodded, looking relieved.<br/>
"And is there a warm lump in your belly?"<br/>
Her mouth twisted into a small shy smile and she nodded again, tears glistening in her eyes.<br/>
"I know how you feel," I spoke quietly and then I leaned closer and simply took her in my arms, even though I had perhaps planned it differently at first, this was the first step in the right direction and she was an innocent girl, I should be slow and careful.<br/>
"Maybe you also notice a certain... tension."<br/>
</p><p>She detached to be able to look at me, her gaze was so... GGRR deep you know? She didn't answer.<br/>
"In certain places of your body." It sounded more like a question and I saw from her look that she knew I was right.<br/>
The thumb of my hand, which was still on her waist, moved very slightly - really only very slightly, upwards and even if I didn't touch her there, the thought alone made her pant. Our eyes locked and her lips were slightly open. I leaned forward maybe a millimetre and I saw, yes folks I saw her gaze fall on my mouth and then find its way back to my eyes and I SWEAR to you her lips opened a little more. Maybe I only imagined it, but I really thought that she moved towards me. You would understand that I wasn’t supposed to ask some questions anymore, I needed to kiss her first of course! Though as she was leaning closer my stupid mouth did the work and I didn’t understand why it had a life of it’s own like other parts of my body too, as you understand… but I asked:<br/>
"Is it more of a tug or a tingle?"<br/>
"Huh?"<br/>
I had to stop myself from grinning, for what could be better than looking into the angelic face of my wife... almost wife - who was completely, how should I put it? Enraptured by me, or was it the fact of how and especially where I had kissed her?<br/>
"A tingle in your... belly?"<br/>
I leaned even closer until I could feel her breath on my lips, but I didn't give in.<br/>
"Too." she breathed and it sounded tortured and guys! What that whisper did to me... I really can't tell you. Damn this woman!<br/>
"Where else?" I opened my mouth and my lower lip touched hers. Charlotte didn't answer, but breathed louder.<br/>
"Did you like it?" I asked and her breath came in bursts, PEOPLE!! It was so heady.<br/>
"It’s fine to like it." I touched her lips, mine tingled and then I heard my breath quicken too as her soft words reached my ears.<br/>
"Yes."<br/>
</p><p>OOOH did I hear right?<br/>
"Yes I do."<br/>
Fuck, she pressed her mouth to my lower lip!<br/>
"And not."<br/>
WHAT?? Why, why the hell?? Whaat? She pressed her lips on mine again but she said not, right? Fuck why???<br/>
"Why?"<br/>
Our lips touched, I pressed mine to hers very light.<br/>
"It…" again we gently pressed our lips together and she stuttered "it hurts..." oh fuck, should I stop?? Though she kissed me, yes at that moment she kissed me!!! If you could call this tender lips rubbing kiss but god yes it was a kiss! SHE kissed me and it was the best thing EVER!<br/>
"Sort… of."<br/>
Ohhhkay!?! Her voice really sounded like she was hurt.<br/>
"I know." I said even I didn’t really knew what she was talking about, I could only FEEL her lips and sorry guys but I just couldn't help myself and kissed her for real, slowly so fucking DAMN slow but as my tongue touched hers, I felt her sink into my arms and god yes I wanted to feel her! I know I’m a bastard but it just felt so awesome. I licked her bottom lip very gently as I tried to stop and she inhaled heavily, held onto my collar.<br/>
"It will get better." I promised and breathed just as hard, but I heard noises from upstairs and knew we had to stop.<br/>
Her face looked like she was really hurting from the loss of my lips.<br/>
"How?" she asked.<br/>
I leaned to her and whispered into her ear.<br/>
"Patience Miss Heywood, I will tell you but not now."<br/>
I saw the questions on her face, but in this moment her father opened the door and walked to the stairs. I took her hand and pulled her quickly into the living room, placed her in one chair and went to the small bar to make some drinks. Suddenly I was very nervous and hoped her father didn’t understand our flushed faces, as I can tell by the heat in my cheeks that I really felt the same in the moment as my Charlotte. The good thing for me was I knew how to get rid of the tension…</p><p>But that tension was immediately dispelled when her father entered the room. For a moment, I expected to be told off for behaving dishonourably towards his daughter, but I recognised the look on his face. Everything disappeared and Charlotte and I ran to him at the same moment and led him to a chair. Then I ran to the little bar, made him his brandy with water and brought it right back. Meanwhile, Charlotte asked how he felt, if he had taken his medicine and his voice was stronger than his slumped figure had led us to believe.<br/>
"Just extremely tired, sweetie."<br/>
As he tried to be brave for Charlotte and the worry on her face showed me that it had probably been a very tiring day for him and although I knew I should go and let him rest, I certainly didn't want to leave them both alone.<br/>
"I'm sorry," Mr Heywood said to me.<br/>
"Why?" I asked, surprised, "it's been a busy day."<br/>
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I know you wanted to continue your game..." he began wearily "but I think you'll have to postpone."<br/>
"Of course." I looked briefly at Charlotte and although I could read a slight regret on her face too, I guess the joy of not being engaged to a selfish ass outweighed it.<br/>
"Should we leave for London later then?"<br/>
I heard Charlotte draw in her breath in protest but after we looked at each other again she smiled. She knew that nothing was more important to me than my new family, everything else could wait.<br/>
"No I think I’ll rest now and then I’ll be fine tomorrow."<br/>
As I said, his voice was strong, but I still suggested running to Dr Fuchs.<br/>
"Oh my boy," he said with a smile that gave me hope, "it's not that bad." he looked at me as if we were exchanging a secret.<br/>
"I told you I'd be honest about that." Then he looked at Charlotte, who didn't seem to be listening to us, but asked if she should make him the mustard bandage.<br/>
"No dear, I just need to sleep." he tried to get up and I helped him.<br/>
"I just wanted to say goodnight to Sidney and that I'm afraid I have to send him home."<br/>
He knew exactly how we felt, I was sure of it and I thought it was extremely nice of him to say goodnight and would look after his daughter. He could have just sent his servant. I was very sorry to leave the two of them alone.<br/>
"I wish we were already married."<br/>
They both looked at me.<br/>
"Then I could help." Yes, guys, I meant exactly what I said! Not what you think! The idea of seducing her before our marriage would never occur to me!!<br/>
"Soon you will." Mr Heywood smiled and wished me a good night. "Come tomorrow after lunch, I think we should be done then."<br/>
Although I was pleased that he wanted to stick to our original plans, it bugged me for a tiny moment that I wouldn't be able to see Charlotte for so long and then wouldn't have the chance to be alone with her. As she had invited Mary to travel in their carriage too, there would be four eyes watching us and I doubted that they would miss a thing.</p><p>But of course I resigned to my fate. I said goodbye properly, went home to my bed, slept alone and dreamt one of my stormy dreams. They were generally not as violent as before, neither the storm and the fear, nor the things I experienced with Charlotte in them. Well, they were… interesting and I woke up with a huge boner, but it wasn't the lust that was predominant. It was more a kind of anticipation, certain cosiness I felt.<br/>
Well, not till I was... you know, relieving me from this tension, but still. Maybe it was because we were on the finishing line. The final arrangements would be made. We would settle everything in London, then Mr Heywood and Charlotte would spend a few more days in Sanditon for his health and then we would meet in London, take whatever was necessary and leave for their country estate. I was very curious about it. After all, I only knew the country estate of Babington, which didn't really match Charlotte's description of her home. From her point of view, it was neither a palatial estate that stood out like a foreign body in the landscape, but rather a cottage-like manor house adapted to its surroundings, but I just couldn't imagine it.</p><p>I won't bore you with the unsatisfying trip to London. I mean unsatisfying in the sense of utterly BORING! Mary and Charlotte sat opposite each other, talking quietly about food we could serve at the wedding. Her father, who was sitting next to her, was fortunately feeling much better but we could hardly talk as I felt slightly nauseous driving backwards and I didn't want to vomit on my father-in-law's lap. Until we had left the rough roads of the coast behind us, I was mainly busy keeping my breakfast down and was so preoccupied with myself that I couldn't even think about Charlotte's education. I blamed myself for not going back with Babington and Crowe, they knew about my sensitive stomach and would have made room for me. Anyway, we arrived in London so late that we were only saying goodbye in the hall of the Heywood’s and I could only kiss Charlotte's hand. The only thing that kept my spirits up was the she gave me.<br/>
Because of the strain of the journey, the morning was meant for Mr Heywood to rest, while Mary and Charlotte were out looking for something for her outfits and I could talk to my workers. I was surprised how happy they were for me about my upcoming wedding. I knew I was more popular with my workers than my brother was with his, but that was a really nice feeling. They were so happy that they tried to persuade me to open a bottle so we could have a toast, but I put it off until later, because I didn't want my soon-to-be father-in-law to think I was always drinking while work.<br/>
They finally arrived in the early afternoon and I saw the admiring glances of my men on my Charlotte and I have to say, even though I knew she was gorgeous, the confirmation made me quite proud. Well, you could say I was thinking I’m gorgeous too for a moment. After all, it wasn't too long ago that I thought I was the most ugly man in the world, which at least didn't seem to be true in Charlotte's eyes. I don't know how or when that happened that I could believe she really thought that. That was something I definitely wanted to know. Just the thought of her shyly confessing to me with red cheeks made me jittery to finally be alone with her again and explain some things to her. How she looked at me…<br/>
Ok, well she and her father looked around the whole warehouse, talked to a few workers and one or two were quite eager to explain to Charlotte how the different drinks were made and once again my chest swelled with pride as her interest showed that she had already studied the subject in advance. Mr Heywood, of course, was pleased with the books and soon we were off to the Heywood’s for tea, but I had to get back to work to just go over the last details and hand out tasks so that everything would go well while I was on my honeymoon. GOD my HONEYMOON!! with my WIFE!</p><p>Fortunately, Mr Heywood had accepted my suggestion and had our lawyers come to see us at his house the next morning so that he would be less stressed. It had been a not entirely altruistic suggestion because it would give Charlotte the opportunity to show me the rooms I would be sharing with her in the future. It was very thrilling and I could tell by Charlotte's restlessness that she was even more nervous. I was sure she hadn't even noticed the conversation with the lawyers. She jumped up immediately when the tailor and Mary were announced and left the room before we were finished.<br/>
After about two hours we had finally we had all sorted out and Mr Heywood and I talked for a little while outside in the garden. I noticed that he looked rather worn out and after a while he confirmed my suspicions and asked me to accompany him upstairs. I thought it was a bit strange, as his servant normally did this, but he had something to show me on the way to his rooms. It was a small hallway that led to the back of the house, opposite the stairs, and visually divided the upper floor in half. I hoped it meant Charlotte and me would have a bit more privacy, but avoided asking. Her father showed me an empty room with a small window overlooking the garden and suggested that I could make it into a small office if I wanted to, before showing me his rooms and as there was nothing else in that part of the upper floor, I felt confirmed that Charlotte and I would have some privacy in our rooms on the other side of the stairs.<br/>
"As far as I can tell, these fittings are taking so long that we probably won't see her until we leave for Sanditon." he chuckled and then explained to me that her or more OUR rooms mirrored his. He then said goodbye and asked me to make myself comfortable downstairs in the library, as he would only be resting for about half an hour. I slowly strolled back down the corridor and took another look at the small room and the guest room next to it, which was big enough for me to live in if Charlotte had to get used to me living here. When I stepped back into the corridor, my face froze for a moment.</p><p>"Mrs Denham."<br/>
I hadn't realised she had come too, but remembered that the Heywood’s had said something like that to appease her. No one wanted her to keep trying to boycott us, so I decided to be friendly, bowed and smiled.<br/>
"Mr Parker," she didn't look pleased, "you accompanied William upstairs?"<br/>
"Yes...he wanted to retire for a bit."<br/>
"I see." she seemed to think a little.<br/>
"I was on my way down." I said bowing slightly and heading for the stairs.<br/>
"No. I..." she began and grabbed my arm. "I was on my way to find you."<br/>
"But why I..."<br/>
She then interrupted me. "I was asked to find you so Charlotte could show you the rooms."<br/>
"That can wait." I thought it was a bit strange that she wanted to do that when this aunt was around, but she led me in direction of my future... my future wife and my future rooms.. you KNOW what I mean… so.<br/>
There were two doors on either side and I suspected Charlotte's bedroom was behind the second door and my heart beat faster. I was about to enter her private sphere and I found it a little uncomfortable that that awful aunt was with us, I would have preferred to be alone with Charlotte, although I was well aware that a chaperone would have to accompany us, I wondered were Mary was. I was heading for the back door when Mrs Denham held me back and pointed to the first door. I did notice that she impudently didn't knock, but I didn't think any further. I was too curious to see what Charlotte's room would look like after I had seen her father’s and what her face would be like when she would show me. Though the only thing I noticed was, that Charlotte's eyes widening in shock, her surprised yelp and her quick turn away. I turned just as quickly, but of course the sight of her was burned into my brain. Not just her shocked face, but also her INCREDIBLY beautiful body covered only by a chemise and a petticoat!!! Fucking shit she was breath taking!!  Her pallor and four or three pretty little moles on her back between her shoulders. Only then did I understand the incredible situation!<br/>
That bloody witch had done it on purpose! Bloody SHIT!!! Poor Charlotte, my little darling must have been deeply shocked that I had seen her like that! Oh SHIT!! I wanted to push that bitchy aunt and throw words at her that even the worst and dirtiest dockworkers had never heard. Though for Charlotte I stayed calm and was also glad that the door I had turned my back on was still open so that Charlotte would realise that it wasn't my fault.</p><p>"You did that on purpose," I growled.<br/>
"It was you..." she began, but I went on.<br/>
"You brought me here to do just that!! You are a very bad person!"<br/>
Shocked, the old woman looked at me, but I held her hand firmly on my arm.<br/>
"How dare you do this to Charlotte? Humiliate and expose her?"<br/>
She didn't answer, but tried to pull her hand out from under mine.<br/>
"She’s your supposed best friend's daughter!" I have to admit I got a little angry and only a little bit louder, but I didn't scream (yet)!<br/>
"We really thought you would treat Lorraine’s daughter with respect in the future. For her sake!"<br/>
"I was... I knew..."<br/>
"You don't know anything!" I grumbled and leaned down to her. I knew my gaze was penetrating, I knew from the perspective she would be able to see my scar more clearly and I hoped that at that very moment I looked as mean as a pirate, something I had always hoped to avoid in the past.<br/>
"Charlotte and her father are far too kind, but I swear to you, if you do anything like that again or try to hurt her in any other way, you will regret it."<br/>
The old witch was panting like an old cow, but before she could say anything I continued:<br/>
"You will go to her now and apologise for everything you have done to her or I will personally kick you out of this house!" Still I wasn't screaming, but I sounded really intimidating.<br/>
"You have no right..."<br/>
"I have every right to defend my family and I will use every right I have to keep you away from them forever if necessary!"<br/>
My voice was fiercely low. Oh so low and threatening that I wondered how this had happened all of a sudden, but I would not back down. If this nasty little person had even a shred of the feeling she supposedly had for her dead friend, she would give in, and if she didn't, it wouldn't be a loss. She lowered her eyes and I let go of her hand on my arm, expecting her to run away, but instead she pushed past me and went into the room behind me.<br/>
I was sure Charlotte had a dressing gown on by now but I didn't turn around, I didn't want to embarrass her more. I waited a moment to make sure the bitch of an aunt apologised and only when I heard the words did I went to the stairs.<br/>
There stood Mary staring at me.<br/>
"I had forgotten my bag." she explained and held up her bag, which of course didn't interest me at all and I pushed past her.<br/>
"I think what you did was great." she stroked my arm and I nodded, I needed something strong to drink because I only cared what Charlotte thought.<br/>
"Don't worry I'll take care of Charlotte."<br/>
I nodded and then ran down the stairs.</p><p>Of course the stupid aunt left soon afterwards, Mary came down the stairs and excused Charlotte. I knew she had to process that I’ve seen her almost naked but hoped she would be better the next day.<br/>
I came in the afternoon and whatever her father knew, he at least knew that we MUST be alone and stayed on the terrace while we walked around their park. Charlotte was silent and seemed nervous. When we were out of earshot, behind the trees, I turned to her and waited for her to look at me, but she continued to stare at the ground.</p><p>"Charlotte, please believe that I didn't know, I would never..."<br/>
"I know."<br/>
She looked at me.<br/>
"Please tell me how you feel."<br/>
"I... feel ashamed."<br/>
WHAT? Her? Why?<br/>
"My love there is nothing to be ashamed of."<br/>
Her gaze shot up to me and her eyes were huge. That gaze did things to me... that was not normal! I swear she could bring me to my knees with this gaze, but I tried to compose myself and tried it with this:<br/>
"I mean not that I saw anything but what I saw… well I just a saw a little bit, so and of course nothing relevant… I mean… what I want to say is that there is nothing..." I was lost again and couldn't form a clear sentence. I took her hand and tried again.<br/>
"I didn't see anything, don't worry."<br/>
"Oh."<br/>
Why did that sound disappointed? What was going on? What did I miss?<br/>
"What is it?" I asked, sliding a finger under her chin and lifting it.<br/>
At first she couldn't look me in the eye, but I tried to catch her gaze.<br/>
"Charlotte, tell me."<br/>
"I’m ashamed." she shrugged.<br/>
"You don't need to! I’m telling you I didn’t see anything."<br/>
"It’s not that."<br/>
"What then?"<br/>
I didn't understand anything anymore and panicked when she took her hand away from me, what was going on what did she mean?<br/>
"Please tell me." Oh I definitely sounded desperate in this moment, YES! I wanted to know, what was in her HEAD??!!<br/>
"I'm ashamed because I... because I…" she looked down again and confirmed very quietly "I wish you had looked at me."<br/>
</p><p>Then she turned and ran a few steps away.<br/>
"Wait wait wait!"<br/>
I caught her of course. We were standing in the little alley of trees, where I had accidentally overheard the conversation with her father back then. She stopped, but with her back to me.<br/>
"Charlotte, you don't have to be ashamed of this thought."<br/>
I took a step closer, grabbed her shoulders, I heard her take a deep breath before I turned her to face me.<br/>
"It’s normal, you know?"<br/>
Slowly she raised her eyes, her face was bright red and I knew now was a good time to educate her... a little bit.<br/>
"I wish you would look at me too."<br/>
"Really?"<br/>
She was so sweet. GOD!!! How much I LOVED her!<br/>
"Yes I wish other things too."<br/>
"What?"<br/>
I grinned, she was just too curios and I hoped she would overcome her shame about her thoughts.<br/>
"That we kiss."<br/>
She smiled.<br/>
"That you tell me how you feel when I touch you." I stroked her neck again and she nestled her head in my hand.<br/>
"That you tell me where you want to be touched by me."<br/>
She made a startled noise and her look told me she was ashamed again. That little crease between her brows deepened and her face twitched; maybe it was the hint of a headshake. She really didn't seem to know what I meant, maybe she didn't know yet that she wanted to be touched by me?<br/>
"If you don't know, try to find out." Damn did I really say that?<br/>
"How?" Charlotte was a curious innocent angel.<br/>
"Start with the parts that tingle." I whispered.<br/>
Her eyes were huge.<br/>
"And think of me."<br/>
I was DEFINITELY a bastard!! I smiled, trying to put as much emotion into my gaze as I could. "and of what I’ve done."<br/>
I stroked once more over her neck and she did REALLY understood what I meant, she bit her lip and became a little redder. My heart was hammering, I was afraid for a moment that she would turn away and say what an ass I was, but instead, she lowered her gaze as if thinking about my words, lightly she nodded in agreement and then said.<br/>
"What we did."<br/>
Heaven, I really believed that sooner or later she would be responsible for my death, because my heart made a strange swinging movement.<br/>
"Yes, yes you're right."<br/>
I felt incredibly light, although that physical weight, you know that pleasant weight of arousal was pressing down on my body.</p><p>"And now pay close attention."<br/>
Then I pulled her a little closer, bent down and licked up her neck. She gasped and grabbed my arm. Then I sucked on her pulse, very lightly of course, so she wouldn't get any evidence of it, yet it must have been pretty intense, because she trembled. I held her head and let my lips slowly move down her neck to her shoulder, kissing her there before very light before I looked at her. She was breathing with her mouth open and her slight gasp alone tempted me to do more. What can I say - it was such a violent urge that I couldn't hold back and took her mouth. She opened her lips and my tongue slipped inside. Just a little. I touched hers and te suddenly intensified the kiss. Charlotte made a strange sound but leaned harder against me and my hand pressed into her back. She arched it and when I felt her bosoms pressing against my chest, I knew I had to stop…but couldn’t but then I took a step back so that she almost toppled forward. Charlotte WHINED softly (YES SHE DID!!) and damn it... for a moment I thought about seducing her here in the grass, which I would never do of course, but heavens! She was breathing heavily and pressed her lips together. She seemed a bit enraptured and I really hoped she was feeling like me. We looked at each other and panted heavily. I desired her so intensely that I definitely had a problem; I prayed she wouldn't take that moment to look at me properly. Luckily my jacket was long enough! Charlotte grinned at me as if she had heard my thoughts and I did the most divine thing as she walked a shaky step towards me. She pressed her face against my chest and giggled into the fabric of my jacket as I slide my arms around her.<br/>
"I wish you would never stop kissing me."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. last days</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The last days before the wedding...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Dear friends,</p>
<p>I think we are all totally DESTROYED as we get the news that Theo won't come back. He was consistent with his statements though - unfortunately they weren't FINAL enough... but oh well.</p>
<p>I hope they replace him, because I think Sidney Parker MUST get his HEA with Charlotte. That's the way it was planned, that's the way it has to end, even though it will be hard with another actor... but yeah I mean it's about the character not him as Theo... we will see.</p>
<p>I admit yesterday I was TOTALLY DONE and so DOWN. I was about to post this chapter, as I went on twitter and read it, I cried, I felt betrayed, in my tears I had written to you a goodbye, that I can't go on etc. but NO!! NO NO NO!!</p>
<p>WE ALL DESERVE BETTER!!!! </p>
<p>You who have followed this story so far and like (or love) it must know that I write for YOU and for ME and this two beautiful characters, not for Theo or whoever. I LOVE my Sidney (and my Charlotte), I researched too much and have written already so much (including what you don't know yet) to give up now! I'm NOT Theo.  I LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS!!!!! </p>
<p>I will give you one if you stay with me. I really hope you like what I have planned. I'm very excited to give it to you and TRUST me they will end happy - and maybe a bit exhausted, but happy.</p>
<p>XX love y'all,<br/>Finn</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Her words flowed into me. I felt so warm it was just beautiful. Of course it was wonderful that she didn't want me to stop kissing her - I mean yes of course I LOVED kissing her. But hello?! It wasn't just the satisfaction of her liking it, it meant so much more. The fact that she ADMITTED it was what made me so happy. The confession alone was amazing, but the fact that she DARED to tell me was just unbelievably beautiful!! I took this feeling in, for she had told me, this exciting confession showed me something much more important: she trusted me with her feelings, she trusted me with this knowledge about her. She trusted me so much that she made this intimate confession. I was touched and happy and somehow became even more settled in my feelings. <br/>It was like... being on the ship for the first time, you know? Even with the lightest waves, it's like you have to re-find your rhythm. It took a little while, even though you love being on the ship and already sensing the distant future and everything. Your rhythm when walking becomes completely different, because you first had to get used to it and then BOOM all of a sudden it has gone into your bones... into your blood. <br/>I pressed a kiss to her hair. <br/>"I love it too," I said calmly. Very calmly and this pleasant feeling carried me through the rest of the day and evening. Which was great, because we didn't have another single moment alone.</p>
<p>The next few days we were really busy, more than we had thought before. I delivered the orders with my representative to introduce him. Most of the customers were friendly and congratulated me on my upcoming marriage, but immediately ordered the same amount of everything again, as if they were afraid I would take the warehouse with me to my honeymoon. I think people weren't so much afraid of not getting their order in on time as they were just loathing change, that's all. John, who was supposed to run the place in my absence, was a good man. Very precise and conscientious and I paid him a good amount of money to stay with me. He could easily do something on his own instead of filling in for me, what didn't happen often anyway - or hadn't happened so far - but he was a safety freak, a worrier and preferred to be safe.<br/>I toyed with the idea of making him my partner. I would ask my soon-to-be father-in-law what he thought. I thought a lot of him and his opinion (and his daughter - in case I haven't mentioned that enough today). Ha! I could of course make this decision on my own, and I have done so up till now, but it was just nice to talk about my things and worries and plans with someone, or with two people ( I always liked to listen to Charlotte's opinion on everything). It’s just a good feeling… I just say it - to be important enough to someone that they were interested in what was going on inside ME. It was a wonderful feeling and the thought made me relaxed, I wasn’t so on edge anymore. I hoped it would be the same in the future.</p>
<p>In my dreams, it was already so. In those work-filled days, I slept well and calmly. Even though I had erotic dreams about my love from time to time, as I had all along - I ask WHO can blame me?? She was beautiful and I wanted to make her happy, in that way too... and I digress.... OK here.. My dreams continued to be mostly on the ship but this days they were paired with pieces of memories I had almost forgotten about. <br/>I had held on to the railing and looked down into the harbour. There stood Tom, one hand raised in farewell. He stood there for a long time, getting smaller and smaller, just like the shores and the houses. I remember the feeling I had then, it was so... final. After all, we didn't know, if I would ever return, if we would see each other again, if we would still be the same or if we would be too changed. I had seen him wipe his face just like I had done; only I had the excuse that it was the water splashing up…but YEAH I cried. I mean he was my brother, my family I would do everything for him, but of course this whole mess had happened for my heartbreak and maybe it would have been better to comfort me, to help me here but…<br/>Tom had been such an idol to me. In my eyes, he was the greatest person and the pain of him putting me on this ship, of him somehow giving me up - had affected me just as much as the first storm after we left the port of Lisbon. I threw up a lot... but anyway.<br/>You know my dreams, the repetitive dream of the night, the storm and you know of the endless pain of my burning wounds. The sounds of the bursting wood, the screams of the sailors and the howling wind and the cruel coldness. This cold of death as the waves had swallowed me. You know that all and the light which was calling me. </p>
<p>Now the dreams were somehow calmer, despite the mast falling on me forever. Why? You know why. Because SHE was with me, my little angel. As you know, in the beginning she was just a shadow or a hunch. Now I always knew she was there, like you know that the sun will rise and the sky will be there tomorrow, if you would see it or not, you just KNEW it. <br/>Charlotte didn't fall off the ship any more, her hand never slipped away from me and when she was with me I could see, even though the night was dark and still terrible. I could still hear the mast breaking like my bones, the sailor’s screaming, the wind whistling and the waves screaming for their victims, though I was calm, for her breath sounded quietly against my ear. Her soft “Sidney”, was nervous but not racked with mortal fear. Charlotte was not afraid anymore. Her hands only clawed at my skin when we were in each other's arms, you know with love… while lovemaking, not with pain and fear. The feeling of security she gave me was so indescribably joyful, so hopeful, and often I woke up with the knowledge that I desperately needed to tell her about it. What she did to me for me! My horrible dreams I had for all this years!! They were still there but so different. I didn't mind going to sleep at night cause I knew she was there with me. Before her, it was the same dream every night over and over and over again. Do you know how tiring it is when something seemed to repeat itself endlessly and yet you knew what was happening again and again and again, but you couldn't do anything about it, you couldn't react in any other way? It was such a relief to have her with me and the memory of Tom sending me away so that I wouldn't continue to cast a shadow on HIS light and HIS town was no longer so bad. My Charlotte was there with her very own glow.</p>
<p>I started the day accordingly excited, yes you heard it right or read it right, however... excitedd! I worked my way through the day again routinely, fetched money from the bank so that John had enough and put it in the save. I must admit I had been itching to enquire about Tom's account, after all I had been acting as a guarantor for a while but I wanted and was supposed to stay out of it. I didn't want to be involved anymore and the thought that Arthur would get in touch if there were any real problems reassured me - yes it wasn't easy to let go of old habits, but I tried and it got better every day.</p>
<p>I wanted to spend as much time as possible with Charlotte before she went back to Sanditon with her father (so that he could continue the cure that Dr Fuchs had prescribed for him), so I put off anything that didn't need to be done urgently until the days after she left. This included a meeting with Algernon and Francis, they wanted to see me again and I presumed they wanted to bottle me up before the wedding, so they could tease me afterwards about what I had done or said that particular evening. However, I went to see them in the late afternoon as arranged and was glad to see Mr Heywood well. Although he doubted he would ever feel well again in London, he made a good impression. I was going to tell him about my plans with John but Charlotte was so excited to finally show me our room. Well, I assumed so cause she couldn't sit still until she could finally run up the stairs with me.<br/>The memory of the last time I was up here stole briefly into our minds, I knew Charlotte was thinking the same thing as she nervously chewed her lip and GOD she shouldn’t do that! Her cheeks took on that lovely colour and we went into the dressing room first. It was big enough to function as a room of its own.<br/>"It was always too big for me alone, so I’m glad that the empty room is being used now, I mean all your stuff can fit in here." <br/>She told me in a rush and I wanted to take her hand, even though her father was standing in the room with us. He was looking out of the window fluently. I wondered how she knew that I didn't have many things, but before I could ask her, she hurriedly continued.<br/>"All these dressers are for you."<br/>Again, an opportunity to grab her hand passed, for she whirled around and opened the door to her room. Her bedroom, that was her room… the next time we would enter this room, we would be married! OUR bedroom and I of course I noticed how nervous she was. I would definitely tell her that everything was fine. No matter what it looked like, I didn't want her to worry about my well being like that, well, yes, but not like that - it was about us being together, not about what the room was like. I noticed in passing that her father remained in the dressing room. He was fully aware of the immense intimacy that was about to ensue and didn't want to interrupt. It was so pleasant that they both had so much decency. In my family, no one but Mary would have cared. Everyone would have invaded the room like a battleship, stomping on each other's feet to get in first and then exercising no restraint in eyeing, commenting and especially touching everything.</p>
<p>"Come." Charlotte said, her voice a little breathless.<br/>I would have liked to take her in my arms, but I wanted to give her the space she needed. She always walked three to five steps away from me and I thought I knew she needed that distance to keep from completely freaking out. I followed her and after a brief wander around the room, my gaze fell on her. She was just too enchanting, stood opposite the bed, almost against the wall, her hands folded modestly in front of her, her gaze uncertain and her smile shy.<br/>"It’s wonderful, Charlotte!" and I meant it.<br/>The room was huge, painted a sandy colour, with its little table under the window and a chest of drawers next to the rooms door that led out into the hallway. In front of the fireplace were two cosy-looking armchairs, and I could already see us both sitting there. I tried to avoid looking at a particular piece of furniture but it seemed important to her, for she was still facing it and then took a few small steps towards it. I saw in the corner of my eye how she looked at me and then made a small noise. Her cheeks lit up and then I followed her gaze to the inevitable. The bed was large and covered with a dark blue silk bedspread. I could remember the fabric, it had been in the delivery when Mr Heywood had renovated the house. So it had been a gift for her.<br/>I was so glad. I really didn't want her to change everything just because of me. She pointed to the canopy and I saw that it was the same colour, albeit a different fabric. It looked quite cosy, I must say, and I do NOT mean that in a disreputable way. There were six cushions on it and I felt a sudden urge to throw myself into it. Crazy, ha? Sometimes I wondered why I had such childish thoughts from time to time... one of the side effects of being in love and happy I suppose.</p>
<p>"Really Charlotte, it's very cosy." <br/>Her timid smile made me take a step towards her but sensed that she was still too nervous. The thought that she would share her room with someone else after she lived there on her own all her life and of course the fact that we would share a bed freaked me out too. Only that I knew what it really meant. I walked towards the fireplace, tapped the mantelpiece and pointed at the two chairs, which were only slightly different in colour. One of them seemed newer, anyway.<br/>"This one is for you." her voice was timid, though it no longer had that uncertain tone that reassured me.<br/>"Very comfortable!" I exclaimed as I plopped down in it.<br/>"We can always read here at night..." I said casually, looking around, "O I thought Mary had already had my books brought here." I had given her the suitcase with the books from my room.<br/>"She did."</p>
<p>Charlotte smiled contentedly and told me to come along; she had a surprise for me. She told her father and we left the rooms and ran back downstairs. In the library she seemed much more relaxed and ran to the back niche at the right end of the room.<br/>“Here!" she shouted and pulled my arm, apparently I was too slow and she was extremely impatient to show me what she had done.<br/>"But you didn't have to do that!"<br/>She had emptied a whole shelf and sorted my books alphabetically and by subject. I could have kissed her, but of course I held back. Her father had followed us here and even though he had sat down on one of the front sofas, I knew he was keeping an eye on us.<br/>"Oh the old stuff that was in there I moved up there!" she said and I didn't know why but she blushed a bit more.<br/>"And I wanted to show you these."<br/>She walked around the little sofa what was in this alcove and sat down. I followed her and looked at her father who was looking at me and smiled so it was fine. I sat down next to her and on the little table in front of us was a small pile of yellowish cards. They were invitations to our wedding. Now I understood and smiled at them, they looked good and I picked out the two for my friends and told her I would meet them in the next few days. My gaze lingered on the one at the aunt, who had insisted on getting an official one and I noticed that Edward was not mentioned.<br/>"I hope she comes without him." I grumbled.<br/>"She promised us."<br/>Charlotte wasn't naive, she knew that her aunt could still do things differently than she had promised, but she just believed in the good in people.<br/>"I wish I didn't have to invite him too," I moaned when I read Tom's name, as I almost always do, just thinking about him upset me, what a mess he would make again. Moaning, groaning and finally persuading someone to help him financially. Of course I would invite him, but somehow I wanted and hoped he would really keep his word and stay in Sanditon.<br/>Charlotte said my name and put her hand on mine. Her touch was like a balm and I was immediately focused again, on her and this. Now was a good moment to tell her that she relaxed me.</p>
<p>"You always do." <br/>"What?"<br/>"You calm me down. As soon as you" I first looked over my shoulder to see if her father heard what we were saying, though seemed absorbed in his book, "touch me."<br/>That was true even though it made me feel excited too, of course. Charlotte smiled.<br/>"Even in my dreams." I admitted and stroked her knuckles, lost in thought.<br/>"Dreams?" that breathless tone again and I looked at her, Ooo she had THAT special look, yes exactly and I needed a little moment.<br/>"Yes."<br/>"What kind of dreams?"<br/>Now I clearly heard excitement.<br/>"I’ve been dreaming about you for a while now." I shrugged "you’re on the ship with me."<br/>Our eyes locked for a moment and I knew she was sorry for what had happened to me.<br/>"What's happening?" <br/>Now she was curious.<br/>"You're standing there... calm and you saved me from the mast."<br/>"Will you tell me about it?"<br/>I knew she meant everything, not just the dream, she wanted to know everything what had REALLY happened back then, I was still trying not to give her so much detail, it had been quite… bloody and if I would I would like to show her the scars, too.<br/>"Yes." <br/>I told her the details of the goodbye to Tom, the horror I only touched then that she was always near, that I could feel her. While doing so, I stroked her hand, which I held with both hands, in between I brought it to my mouth, kissing it. I noticed how she looked over her shoulder to her father and I assumed it was all right, she didn't take her hand away and I continued to hold it in mine. I told my story and stroked her hand all the time. Her small fingers, very light over the delicate skin between them. I knew it was sensitive there. Maybe I shouldn't do it, but I just couldn't help it.<br/>"That’s what I imagined." she whispered.<br/>"What exactly?"<br/>The storm I had just told her about, yes she knew too many details not to imagine it. I hoped she wasn't too worried. She took a deep breath and answered just as quietly:<br/>"That you hold my hand."<br/>Again she told me something intimate. I wanted to kiss her so BADLY, but I had to concentrate on swallowing when she continued.<br/>"Caress me."</p>
<p>Good HEAVENS!!! Did she just say that while grabbing her neck with her right hand? Charlotte kept her eyes closed, whether out of embarrassment, shame or to describe the exact feeling, I didn't know, but watching her was fascinating.<br/>"Here" she slid her hand behind her ear "and here."<br/>She just ran her fingertips over her cheek and down her forehead. I saw goose bumps on her arm.<br/>"And there, of course." <br/>She ran her hand down the other side of her face and also there over her neck, her shoulder and briefly over the arm that led to me. Then she lowered her hand into her lap, keeping her eyes closed as if we were sitting in the sun. I relaxed. Somehow I was glad she hadn't said more.<br/>"Sometimes there's a pull here."<br/>Charlotte pressed her hand against her belly and I admitted that it was the same for me. I also closed my eyes for a moment but looked at her again when I heard the rustling of fabric. She ran her hand quickly over the curve of her bosom. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Her fingertips rested on the skin of her cleavage. Without saying anything, she let her fingers slowly run along the edge of the fabric to her shoulder. My mouth twitched, I imagined that she was seeing pictures in her head. Then she stroked her collarbone just as slowly, almost carefully, until she stopped at her throat. We both swallowed at the same moment and my need to kiss her increased immeasurably. SHIT! We weren't alone and I cleared my throat. Suddenly she seemed to realise that SHE wasn't alone. Charlotte went completely white and her cheeks glowed. I held her gaze. Even as I brought her hand back to my mouth, pressing a kiss on it. I caressed her palm with one hand, pressed my lips softly to her fingers and pressed with one finger between two fingers of hers. She inhaled audibly and I couldn't help it just wasn't in my power! I saw her gaze darken as I held her hand, caressing and spreading soft kisses on it. Her mouth was slightly open, as I did what I did (sorry but I said I‘m a bastard) her breathing sounded more like an ahhhh and I LOVED this sound and I did it again… YOU want to know what? I tell you: I dug my tongue between her fingers stroked her there. <br/>It was only when she let out her breath, trembling, that I really realised what I was doing and jumped up. I looked at her father, who fortunately hadn't seen it; otherwise he would hardly continue to read his book so relaxed. I took a few steps away from her and looked at the row of my books as if I was seeing them for the first time. I really should be careful! I would have the pleasure of burying myself into her for ever and I don't just mean that in the way it sounded, but in general. Going deep, you know? CONNECTING with her. Yes, yes, I think you understand. <br/>Suddenly I had the feeling that the room was charged with tension and I had the urgent need to go into the garden. I looked at her and wanted her to feel that it was all good, that she hadn't done anything wrong and I gave her a sly look. She bit her lip... I would say almost cheeky and nodded. She did understand. I told you before and I would continue to tell you: my innocent angel would kill me with her sensual side, really. DAMN!</p>
<p>That was the last time we had such a little private time. Two days later she departed and though it was only for a few days that we would be separated, the parting hurt me as much as it hurt her. She cried and I wanted to comfort her so much more than just with words, but Mary stood there the whole time and watched us as if she knew what we would like to do most. The only thing with I could bring a little smile out of Charlotte was a little present. She opened the little box and her smile was like the sun coming up. It got me every time. SHIT really! I was even MORE in love and didn't know where I got so much love from… but SHE was the sun for me. I hoped my small gift would help her to think of me, and as I put the small bracelet on her, with the tiny white and grey shells. I stroked her wrist with my finger. Slowly, and I swear to you she knew exactly what I was doing, the look she gave me told me EVERYTHING. <br/>You can imagine how I was looking forward to finally being alone with her and being allowed to do whatever we wanted. Yes, guys, I’m sorry if this sounds blunt, but I just wanted to caress her EVERYWHERE and with EVERYTHING I have. I didn’t mean everything everything, just everything what SHE wanted. Just kiss and caress her without being caught.<br/>Charlotte looked at me, happy not crying anymore leaned closer and whispered. <br/>“I love it… and the bracelet.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. It's happening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yes, it's happening!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yes, it's happening!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>What she said brought a smile to my face every time I thought about it. She liked it when I touched her. God, it made me so happy that she told me! It made me hope that if she didn't like something, she would tell me, too. I'd strongly recommend it to her too, because honestly... if it went on like that, that she was so READY to... well, learn and explore, I don't know if I could really pay attention once I was completely absorbed in her. I mean... in her hair and the smell of her skin. You know, so absorbed in her that I wouldn't sense it when she didn’t like something... that worried me a little. Well not a little... I was really afraid I’d mess up… ok fine: I FREAKED OUT only by the thought of it! I wanted to keep my promise; all at her pace and that I was tactful and sensitive with her.<br/>I stupidly told my worries to my two idiot friends at the night they tried to get me drunk in Babington’s home. I was, but more from the feeling that I was about to make it, you know, soon I would be HER man, her husband, we would live together FOREVER. No one could take that away from us! I hardly felt the alcohol... of course I got what they were up to. They had ordered and paid prostitutes to seduce me - to be naughty one last time. Of course they didn't appeal to me, none of them and even the thought that I had ever done it disgusted me. Since I refused and the boys teased me, I got several unasked tips from the ladies on what I should do with my future wife in the wedding night and further nights. <br/>A few things surprised even me, and I thought I had already seen everything and done... I mean... anyway. I imagined the things they said with Charlotte and I really hoped that it was like the… ladies told me. Anyway... <br/>My friends teased me, tried to persuade me to tell what I had planned for the wedding night, but I wouldn't tell them, no way! A gentleman enjoys in silence. To be clear they didn’t know anything about my dreams or the things Charlotte and I experienced until now. <br/>However, I had a few things planned, but apart from that, I also had a few gifts for her. Nothing big and anything outstanding, but well, a few little things I hoped would bring her joy.</p>
<p>The rest of the days without her passed neither faster nor slower. Time sometimes just trickled by and then after blinking once three hours had already passed. I was working at home when I received a letter from her. I was quite excited and was curious whether she would say anything that expressed her feelings, but wanted to save it until I was sitting in front of the fireplace after dinner to enjoy it even more.<br/>Mary was invited to a friend's house and when I was alone here in Bedford, I found it nicer downstairs in the kitchen. I have never eaten so quickly. Old Fanny looked at me anxiously but said nothing, which made me blur it out all the more.<br/>"I got a letter from her!"<br/>"I’m glad, young lord, when may I meet her?"<br/>"I think perhaps before we leave, but at the latest when she is Mr Sidney Parker." I am NOT ashamed of the pride in my voice. <br/>"She must be very special."<br/>"She IS!" <br/>We were silent for a moment and then old Fanny had to wipe away a few tears with the top of her apron. I was touched that she was so happy for me, but it was just as if she didn't already known. She was the first to understand that a girl had crept into my dreams; she was the first to look at me with THAT knowing look. She was one of the first I had admitted to, by grinning or nodding briefly after one of her hints. <br/>As I told you before, she was more of a family than what I sometimes - or often - felt for Tom. I stroked her arm, but that only made it worse. She turned away, but I stood up and took her in my arms. We hadn't done that for ages, but it was fine.<br/>"Don't cry! I'll come and visit as often as I can."<br/>"Come on," she said, trying to regain her composure.<br/>"Maybe I can convince you to come with me?" with that I at least managed to make her smile for a short moment.<br/>"You don't transplant an old tree."<br/>"Come on," I used her words and looked at her piercingly, she had something on her mind but wouldn't spit it out.<br/>"Well tell me."<br/>"I’m very happy for you. I always knew someone WORTHY of you would come along someday."<br/>She gave me that one look with a raised eyebrow I got every time I talked about a certain person in the past. The look alone made me not even dare to think her name, after all this years of overcoming it.<br/>Fanny hated her, sometimes I thought even more than I ever did. And I had to grin, because I knew Fanny would love Charlotte. I told her that and she nodded in agreement.<br/>"Just ‘cause she is making you happy."</p>
<p>I was in a frenzy of happiness when I rushed upstairs to read her letter. However, since something negative often happens when you are totally happy, I suddenly thought that maybe there was something wrong with her father. I tore it open and started to read and within the first sentence I was immediately calmed down. I could hear her voice as I read the lines and I relaxed. She talked in detail about what she had been doing all day and it was nice somehow to be with her. Her last sentence made my heart fly around again. - I wish you were with me. - Oh man, that was wonderful! I heard the longing in her voice and smiled, imagining her blushing, and I went up to my room to write her back immediately. I started with a reply to her last sentence - soon we will be together - and then I told her about Fanny and the last few tiring days, of course I left out the visit to of the prostitutes, she shouldn't worry, even though I was faithful. I ended my letter with a longing - I’m waiting for you - and wished I could see her smile when she read it. </p>
<p>There’s not much else to tell, really, the days went on. I packed the things I wasn't taking with me on the honeymoon and took them to the Heywood’s personally. The house servants escorted me to my future room and although they would put things away for me, they didn't mind me being in the room with them. I didn't know if I was allowed to go into Charlotte's - our future room alone, now that we weren't married yet, so I asked one of them if they could take the small package into her room for her. But I was just let into the bedroom. Of course I wasn't one to rummage through her things, but I liked being here alone and taking it all in again for myself. I put the package on the worn chair, as she had said that the other one was for me. No, I won't tell you what was inside; you have to wait until she would find it!<br/>I counted the days. Four more days, then she would be back, five more days, then we would set off, seven more days and I would be her husband. You can imagine what it was like. Five more breakfasts, three more sleeps. My dreams were similar to those of the last few weeks. She was with me on the ship, everything was happening somehow as always, but it wasn't bad any more. So just one more dream, then she would be back, two more days and we would set off, four more days and she would be my wife.</p>
<p>And then it was finally time. As soon as I got the news that they were back home, I rode over. You must understand, there was an almost pleasant nervous restlessness before, but as soon as I knew she was only a few miles away from me, an incredible heavy longing overcame me. It was almost as if it was vital to see her right now. And it was so wonderful that she felt the same way. She literally flew into my arms when I walked through the hall and she ran out of the library to meet me. We were immediately a little uncomfortable, as we were not alone. The servant, however, pretended not to notice anything and Charlotte grabbed my hand to pull me behind her. As soon as we were in the room and she had closed the door, she pulled me further into one of the reading corners. As soon as we were in the alcove, she turned to me and looked at me with her big eyes. Her cheeks were so beautifully flushed and I felt an urgent need to kiss her, and apparently she did too, although she didn't dare, but her fingers dug into my hand as if she were extremely tense. I leaned towards her, but the door opened and we pushed apart.<br/>At some point it dawned on me that I might not get to kiss her at all, since we weren't alone the whole time! </p>
<p>On the day of our departure I asked her to meet Fanny, I had told her about her and Charlotte was also eager to meet her. As soon as she entered the kitchen, I saw a candle light up inside Fanny. She beamed at Charlotte and I was happy that they liked each other. I almost wondered why they didn't hug each other, it was like witnessing a reunion of old friends. <br/>Otherwise there was nothing exciting to tell at first. We drove off in the Heywood’s' carriage. Charlotte, my little angel, sat opposite me so that I didn't have to drive backwards again and I was grateful to her for that, but of course I would have preferred to have her next to me. The best thing was that Mr Heywood seemed to be doing really well; he had certain liveliness about him. He was quick-witted with his answers and almost cheeky when he talked about Sanditon. Don't get me wrong, he loved the sea but not all the fuss about this little town, which had lost so much of its former charm. He had been ordered by Dr Fuchs to go into the water to exercise his heart, which he had endured for about two minutes, but he found my brother's exaggerated ambitions, well, how shall I put it, rather ambitious.<br/>We continued to talk about what had happened at Sanditon and I was glad to hear that the workers on the site were making good progress. They hadn't seen Mr Howard again, although he had brought new workers as promised. Apparently he was in and out of Trafalgar House, but we would have to wait for Mary or one of the others to find out more.<br/>The hour-long drive went by quicker than we thought, and as we drove through a forest, Charlotte was getting excited. She couldn't even control herself to reach for a hand and squeeze it for a moment before letting it go. I thought it was a pity because, let's face it, in two days we would be husband and wife and her father would be with us, we should be allowed to hold hands. But instead she pointed out the window and told me to watch out.</p>
<p>"You know first impressions are the most important."<br/>"That’s right." <br/>But I looked at her and thought of the first impression I had of her then. I thought she was carefree because she was running through the garden as if the sun itself had made her tired. How wrong I was. She had so much grief on her shoulders and she hadn't even complained.<br/>"What's wrong?" she asked me, tilting her head, you know what I think of her neck, grinning and looking out the window.<br/>"Tell me!" she demanded, but I shook my head. She didn't mind, I think I mentioned that the Heywood’s could be very persistent when they want something and I had no choice but to tell her I thought she was the wife.<br/>Charlotte laughed and it was so good to hear her father laugh too. I wanted to know what her first impression of me was, but I had to put the question off until later because we were driving over a narrow bridge that separated the estate from the surrounding countryside. I had the best view of the property. People. PEOPLE! It was... huge! The park and all that went with it. A pristine pond, no fountains or frills. A few hills to the left and right, a sweeping meadow behind the house. Some trees and as we turned onto the driveway you could see my new home. Unbelievable.</p>
<p>The house was really like Charlotte had said, cottage-like in style, squat almost, so that you got the impression that it could almost disappear into the landscape if you planted a few more trees. But it was anything but a cottage. As we got out I looked at nacho ben and somehow couldn't believe that I was supposed to live here. It was like a castle to me. The servants greeted us. They seemed content with their lives, as did all the people who worked for the Heywood’s, and they seemed to get on well with me as the chosen husband for their princess. As we climbed the wide staircase and I briefly looked around to take in the place again, I saw two maids put their heads together and look at me. They stopped immediately and for a moment I felt transported back to the ballrooms where I was stared at because of the scar on my face. I knew it had faded and couldn't explain why they were staring, but dismissed it as them just being curious.<br/>We stood in the hall for a moment and a servant asked me to follow him and put me up in my guest room for the two nights. I looked at charlotte, which just smiled sweetly and then hurried up the stairs. We couldn't take our eyes off each other until she almost tripped and I hurried to my room. It took me maybe a quarter of an hour to freshen up and change before I was picked up to have some refreshments in one of the dining rooms (yes, there were two!). <br/>"Do you like your new home?" Mr Heywood seemed genuinely serious that there would be anything wrong with it, as he seemed a little excited.</p>
<p>"It's a lot bigger than I would have thought." I admitted and stared at the ceiling. It was painted with some kind of angels and made you feel like you were standing under the open sky. <br/>"Isn't it beautiful?" Charlotte called as she came into the room, she had opened her hair that now fell over her shoulders, it looked soft and thick and I had such an incredible desire to dig my hands into it.<br/>"It’s beautiful and gives you a feeling of space." I said and was amazed when charlotte said, "wait till you see the big room."<br/>"Let's eat first, then you can explore the house." <br/>Charlotte kissed her father on the cheek and I could see us roaming around the house like two children and she would show me all the secret corners. So it was, after we had eaten and her father had retired to rest. I was amazed at the large dining room. It wasn't a ballroom but it was about twice as big and since you could open the doors between the rooms completely, there would be enough room for our few guests. <br/>There was a library that was a little bigger than the one in town, but similar in layout. Charlotte told me that it housed many of the same books, mostly novels and travel stories, but that there were a few single copies just like the one in town. She blushed again and I was sure she was thinking about what we had almost done the last time we were alone in a library.</p>
<p>Friends! What can I say? I just had such an incredible longing for her. Since I knew she too, I really didn't think anything at first, only… later, but well, it had already happened! You don't understand? Alright. The library was more open but nevertheless it also had two or three small reading corners and I must say, I didn't care at that moment. <br/>"Look, here you could also put your..." Charlotte raised her arm to point to an empty shelf. I grabbed her arm, spun her around to face me, grabbed her face with the other hand and pressed my lips on to hers. Ooh so good! She grabbed my back and I pushed my hand into her soft thick hair. I let go of her arm, grabbed her waist to pull her closer. My hand wanted to be on her back. Really I swear!<br/>But my thumb, yeah… it just stretched and stroked the side of her breast. She inhaled and I pushed my tongue into her mouth. Stroked once more the spot again with my thumb before I could bring myself to move on to her back. My tongue instead could not behave so well. I explored her mouth with some force and I felt Charlotte soften in my arm and stumble back. I held her but felt the bookcase behind her back. A small part of me knew she was too surprised to join in… then I was caught cold. DAMN! She didn't want this and I stepped back, an apology on my lips. Though she seemed to have enjoyed it because Her face lingered in front of mine and her mouth seemed to want to catch mine.<br/>"I'm sorry." <br/>She looked at me as if she too had suddenly realised what we had done and dropped both hands next to her body.<br/>"Are you angry?" I thought not, but I wanted absolution.<br/>"No, do it again." <br/>I laughed, that was an answer I didn't expect and also not what followed. She walked up to me, grabbed my neck and kissed me quite briskly. She was brave and bold and I LOVED it!<br/>What can I say, I mean who in god's name would say no to that? I mean two days, what were two days! Yes, but I was a decent guy, even if you say I was more of an idiot, but I slowed down the kiss before it could get out of hand and pressed my forehead to hers.<br/>"Charlotte." I smoothed her hair "I missed you."<br/>She pressed against me and I didn't need any more answers.<br/>After a while, we were back under control enough to continue with the tour and we behaved. Apart from holding hands, we did nothing we were very well behaved, well… and never alone again.</p>
<p>The next day you can actually kick out of the calendar. I only saw her at the meals! Or in the hall. The whole day we were either busy greeting the arriving guests (which weren't many but still) or walking around the estate with the guests in various groups, unless Charlotte was dragged away by someone, for whatever reason. My family had arrived without Tom and I was glad of that, although Diana and Mary assured me they were still expecting him, Arthur agreed with me and said it was probably better he wouldn’t. Francis and Algernon made their usual perfect impression on everyone, only to tease me at every opportunity about the prostitutes and the tips they had given me. <br/>It was actually quite a nice affair; it was an almost boisterous atmosphere, if you disregarded Charlotte and my restlessness - until the aunt arrived. Immediately it seemed a few degrees colder. Although she didn't say or do anything nasty, her look alone made everyone uncomfortable. She always wanted to talk to Charlotte alone and I told everyone to not let that happen! I didn't think she could convince Charlotte to leave me at the altar, of course, but I just had the feeling that she would ruin her day, whatever she wanted to do, and I wouldn't let that happen under any circumstances! I watched the old witch and always had her in my sights. Diana was so nice not to leave her side, so that Mary could take care of Charlotte, because the later the day came to an end, the more nervous Charlotte was. I could understand that, because I was also a total nervous wreck. Actually, I don't know why, because we were going to get married and everything that would come after that would be fine. Everything was settled. No one could break us up.<br/>However. We only had a moment of apparent peace when I wished her goodnight and held her hand for a moment. We just looked at each other and I know we both wanted that ONE little kiss, but with six eyes boring into my back, we couldn't do it.<br/>"See you tomorrow." I whispered and tried to tell her with one look that I loved her. She nodded and then the ladies who had been looking at me before, went upstairs with her. Whatever they were going to do with her or tell her. Somehow I had a bad feeling, but hoped that Mary of all people would sensibly dispel any doubts.<br/>Well, you know what came next, and I'll just give you the facts. The night was short and I slept like shit. The storm in my dreams was almost as bad as before I met Charlotte and I searched for her in vain. I had a small headache and breakfast was just a cup of tea with a piece of toast and I didn't get to hear anything people said to me or who they were. I went into a carriage with whomever, my stomach thought for whatever reason that I was going backwards again and I didn't remember any of the names of the people standing in front of the church nodding at me. My almost father-in-law greeted and talked to them, introduced me, but I didn't know what I was saying or even if I was saying anything at all. Everything was like being under water. The voices were blurry without meaning and the colours somehow were kind of grey. <br/>"Get a grip!" one of my friends grumbled at me, but I really can't tell you who or why. <br/>"Sidney, my boy." that was my VERY soon to be father-in-law, "please..."<br/>"Yes?" OH GOD it wasn't Charlotte was it? I panicked.<br/>"Don't worry it's fine, she's already outside."<br/>I could breathe again. Oooh we were already IN the church!<br/>"I just... I want..." he came a little closer, cleared his throat and whispered in my ear "You protect her, won't you?"<br/>"Of course." I was suddenly all there. That was WHY I was here. <br/>"Especially from her and her observing eyes." he looked at his aunt who watched me with this nasty look, you know as if I was an ugly insect.<br/>"You know I'll do anything for her."<br/>"Good. I'll get her now."</p>
<p>NOW? That was so not true! <br/>I stood there for what felt like HOURS! My toes were already freezing. At least that's what I thought and I stepped from one feet to the other to warm them up. I’m sure that's where the saying about cold feet came from. Babington said I was nervous. That left me cold, but when he said, "maybe you're not the right one after all, hmm?"<br/>I stopped immediately and turned my back to him. Maybe they were waiting for me to turn around before, but as soon as I stood there and nodded to the priest, the door opened and some music started playing. A few heartbeats later I felt her next to me before I dared to look and to avoid falling over we reached for each other. As soon as I saw her smile, I smiled too and didn't care about anything else! I heard the priest talking and praying something and only really listened again when he said our names.<br/>"Miss Charlotte Lorraine Anne Heywood..." it struck me that I didn't knew she had so many names, but that's the way it was with the gentry. PEOPLE! I was listening to him, repeated my vows and pushed the ring on her finger – I couldn’t even remember Algernon had given it to me at some point. <br/>"With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship," OOOH YES I WOULD! "with all my worldly goods I thee endow." And my soul. Take it! Take it! I thought and admonished me that she already owned it. GOD I was BURSTING with happiness when he finally said.<br/>"Husband and wife."<br/>I grabbed her hands and brought them to my mouth. I had understood what her father had said before, of course I did! I planted a kiss on the back of each hand and even though I felt Charlotte stare at my lips and leaned a little closer, I didn't do what we both wanted. No way this aunt would say something nasty because we would kiss here.<br/>We signed the papers and Charlotte had to write all her names, but it looked so DAMN good with mine behind it.<br/>"I only have one name." I joked and her response was again so... oh just so Charlotte, <br/>"But the right one."</p>
<p>The rest of the morning was again completely unspectacular, I mean eating, drinking, a little speech from her father in which he just thanked the guests and said how happy he was that we had found each other. After that we went for a walk. Some refreshments, a cake and at some point something else to eat. Then it was suddenly afternoon and the people who had been at church earlier said goodbye, they still had work to do. Afterwards there were a few games for the children, something to eat again. I had Charlotte on my arm the whole time, clutching her hand but we just had not one moment to ourselves. Her father looked exhausted and I hoped for him that we would soon be able to take a proper break.<br/>By now it was afternoon and Mary was talking about dinner and I couldn't believe that I had been married for six hours without having my wife all to myself for ONE second, I hadn't even looked at her properly, let alone kissed her as her husband! Every time the aunt came along I had a little bit of possessive tendencies, because I didn't want to let her go, but had to as the ladies took her away from me.  <br/>"You’ll see her again soon." Mary said<br/>"I'd finally like to have her alone for just a minute!" yes I admit I was defiant!<br/>Though it wasn't until Mary said, "after dinner." that I realised what was about to happen and a heat flooded through me. Not from desire and lust but from excitement to be allowed to hold and kiss her as long as she wanted me to do so.</p>
<p>And how we got through the rest of the day and evening is SO boring because I had the feeling it would never end. At some point Mr Heywood looked so bad that anyone who didn't suspect anything would now KNOW he wasn't well. I was glad that Charlotte immediately drew attention to her and yawned. Of course she held her hand in front of her mouth but it had the desired effect. Everyone began to moan about how late it was, how tired he or she was and that it was finally time to go to sleep. The ladies grabbed MY wife again and left us. Mr Heywood said good night, but before he left he said.<br/>"So my boy, Sidney - I am Arthur, please call me that from today on!" <br/>I was happy and wanted to toast with him, but he wanted to postpone it until the next day, which I understood. I hoped he would feel better soon.<br/>My friends and me drank the glass of wine until they finally agreed to leave me alone as well. They had made one or two remarks, but I didn't listen to them. I just wanted to be alone with my wife and if we were to lie next to each other all night, I wouldn't care; I just wanted to have her all to myself. </p>
<p>A servant led me up the stairs, a long corridor followed and I felt like I was finally shaking off the tiredness that had come over me from all the food. The anticipation of seeing her was so great that I almost ran and when we finally arrived at the room, the servant knocked, opened the door and I was let in. Charlotte stood at the window and turned to me as I entered. She took my breath away. She was so damn beautiful! I could hardly believe my eyes. She was standing there in her wedding dress. The same colour as the one I had first seen her in snow-white, but made of the finest silk. The lace was the same like from her ball gown as we had danced for the first time; I thought it had a special meaning for her and my heart JUMPED. The ribbon was a bright yellow and her fingers played with it nervously. Her eyes big and shining and her cheeks glowing in the most perfect pink. Her perfects lips in the same colour lightly open, more breathless than smiling.<br/>I recognised that the servant left and closed the door behind him and I went to her.<br/>"Mrs Parker, I thought I never get you alone." I teased and hoped she wouldn’t be too nervous.<br/>As I stood in front of her I took her hand and kissed it. She took a small step closer and I heard her swallow. Our eyes met and I put her hand on my chest. She should feel that I was as thrilled as she was. Her eyes blinked and I stroked her face lovingly.<br/>"I've been waiting for this all day."<br/>She smiled, but I could tell she was incredibly tense.<br/>"Charlotte?"<br/>"Yes?"<br/>"Don't be afraid."<br/>"I’m not." Her voice was shaking. Oh shit she was SCARED!<br/>"No matter what she said," I knew it was the nasty aunt who had said something horrible to her! Oh this… I gave Charlotte a small kiss on her dry lips "trust me." I whispered.<br/>Another small kiss. <br/>"I trust you." and even that I believed that she trusted me, she was still fucking scared as hell!<br/>"I keep my promises, no matter what." I assured her, because I KNEW I would and she KNEW it too and smiled a little more relaxed.<br/>"What happens now?" <br/>I loved that her curiosity always got the better of her no matter how thrilling and scary everything was.<br/>"I'll take care of you."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Lousy cliffhanger I know - but I have my reasons</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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